I am a mother of three adult children, and I am seeking advice on a family issue that has been causing me a lot of stress lately. My youngest daughter, who is 32 years old, still lives with me, and I do not ask her for any contribution. She battles on and off with depression, which has made it challenging for her to find her feet in life.
My other two children, who are independent and have their own families and homes, are doing well. My eldest daughter has a stable job and lives alone, while my son, the middle child, is a multiple homeowner with a family of his own.
The problem is that my youngest daughter constantly complains that she is unsupported by myself and her siblings and feels like the black sheep. She has cut ties with her siblings and refuses to attend anything they do ever since my husband died 10 years ago. She cuts ties because she felt that they didn’t support her through their fathers death (and she apparently required the most as the youngest child). She just could not recognise that both her siblings were also dealing with the grief and had other responsibilities like kids and bills.
Whenever I ask my elder children to come over, my youngest makes them feel uncomfortable by either staying in her room or leaving as soon as they arrive. I can’t make individual plans with my elder kids also, because my youngest will sulk, stop talking to me for a while or just make me feel uncomfortable overall. This has caused a wedge between my own relationship with my elder children.
I feel like I have done everything I can for my youngest daughter. I pay for everything, barely see my other kids, and have let her live with me into her thirties. Yet, she seems oblivious to how difficult she is making it for me and my other kids. And still feels so unsupported by me. She just cannot see that I am bending over backwards for her and she has received far more support than her siblings combined.
Now with the wedge she has contributed in creating between me and my other children, she is all I have. But it is so hard.
I am at my wits end and would appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation. Thank you in advance for your help.
UPDATE
***I wanted to take a moment to express my sincere thanks to all of you who responded to my recent post about my family issue. Your advice and perspectives have been incredibly helpful in providing me with a fresh outlook on the situation.***
***One of the biggest takeaways from your responses was the importance of setting boundaries and being firm in enforcing them. It’s something I struggle with, especially when it comes to my youngest daughter’s behavior around my other children and grandchildren.***
***I feel uncomfortable inviting my other kids and grandkids around to the house, as my youngest has actively ignored them in the past, even ignoring my grandkids (who are toddlers/children) when they said hello. This has made it difficult to have family gatherings or even have a simple conversation with my other children without her causing tension.***
***Another piece of information that I didn’t mention in my original post is that my youngest daughter is pretty rigid in her perspective, which is linked to the fact that she believes she is a psychic and knows and sees things most people don’t see.***
***Nevertheless, I am grateful for the support and guidance provided by the Reddit community. It has given me some much-needed perspective on how to handle this situation and move forward.***
***Once again, thank you for your valuable advice.***
38 comments
is she seeking medical help? That sounds like a lot more than depression.
if she’s not actively seeking help, she may be beyond it. she needs a therapist and a psychiatrist.
Tell her to get her ass in therapy to fix her shit or she can move out. She’s 32. She needs to learn how to be an adult and it’s not on you to fix that. If you pass what is she gonna do?
She needs a bit of harsh reality and realize not everything can revolve around her and whatever her trauma is, SHE NEEDS TO PROCESS IT. Nobody can help her with that besides herself and a therapist. You’re enabling her which is why she’s like that. If she feels she’s “unsupported” then let her feel that way. Even though she’s 32 with no job and no rent because she’s literally getting supported by you in more ways than one.
She needs to see a professional. ASAP
She is not your only child, and you should start mending fences with your other children. You have enabled her behaviour and never taken her to task.
32 really and you haven’t “supported her” she has no job, and has a roof over her head, she is fed and looked after.
Tell her to get her head out of her arse and look around. Once you are gone she will have to “Adult” then who will support her. Certainly not her siblings and she obviously can’t help herself. Set your boundaries now you have other children.
I agree with people saying she needs help. This sounds like more than depression. She might have a pretty severe mental illness and needs proper treatment. This behavior and entitlement isn’t healthy.
Grief also doesn’t have a timeline, BUT you can’t treat people that way and expect everyone to tip toe around you. Using trauma and grief as an excuse to treat people poorly is manipulative and can lead to abusive behavior.
It is time to try pushing her in a direction to get help, get her shit together, and stop being a leach. She can’t keep doing this her whole life. BOUNDARIES. You have no boundaries with her and it’s ruining your relationship. Boundaries keep relationships healthy.
You’ve done everything you could, and by doing those things you denied her the opportunity to mature. She’s entitled, self absorbed, and desperately needs a reality check.
Kick her out. Let her live and make her own way entirely on her own. *That’s* what she needs: to no longer have any excuses, safety nets, or people to blame other than herself.
It may end badly, but that would be her choice. This day will come when she has to learn this harsh lesson. It’s unavoidable. You want that day to be while you’re still alive and fixing her sibling relationships might still be possible.
Think about the alternative and what future awaits her at the end of *that* road.
People change for only one reason: because they had to.
She needs therapy but, honestly, so do you. You’ve enabled her to the point of isolating yourself. What you are doing isn’t helping her, and it is hurting you.
Tell her she needs therapy and possibly medication. Also, go talk to a therapist (different one) yourself about co-dependency, setting healthy boundaries, and how to mend the divide with your other two kids.
Letting one child alienate you from two other children is not okay, and allowing it to go that far is also on you.
She sounds entitled and you are coddling her. Comfortable people will never change.
Time to start demanding she contributes or leaves.
It’s amazing how motivating homelessness is.
It sounds like she could be abusing you. Separating you from your family and taking from you financially without any contribution.
The first thing you need to do is stop letting her control who you see. Invite your other children and grandchildren over, and tell her that if she’s going to sulk about it then she can do so in her bedroom. Start living *your* life for you.
She’s a grown woman. Plenty of adults have lost a parent, and yet still need to go to work and pay their bills. ‘Depression’ is a convenient well to blame for learned incompetence.
This is a codependency issue. It ultimately results in resentment on the side of the “giver”. Seek a therapist who can help you with boundaries and being assertive.
You are going to have to push her out of the nest. This is ridiculous. She needs to go to therapy, move out, and pay her own bills. You are not helping her by allowing her to continue this behavior. I know you love her and I know it’s hard, but it’s even worse watching her squander her life and make yours miserable.
I came across this article a few years ago, and your post immediately made me think of it: [https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/aug/19/my-son-is-35-and-i-pay-all-his-bills-i-have-been-an-enabler-how-can-i-get-out-of-it](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/aug/19/my-son-is-35-and-i-pay-all-his-bills-i-have-been-an-enabler-how-can-i-get-out-of-it)
>Whenever I ask my elder children to come over, my youngest makes them feel uncomfortable by either staying in her room or leaving as soon as they arrive. I can’t make individual plans with my elder kids also, because my youngest will sulk, stop talking to me for a while or just make me feel uncomfortable overall. This has caused a wedge between my own relationship with my elder children.
In your shoes, I would go make plans anyways and accept that my youngest kid will sulk and it will be uncomfortable but no one will actually die from being uncomfortable. The long-term gain of having a relationship with your older kids is worth some short-term discomfort.
Your daughter is using controlling behavior on you. It may be largely subconscious and she may not realize it, but that can’t excuse it.
She acts like a stroppy teen because she’s been coddled and enabled to act like a stroppy teen into her 30s.
>I pay for everything, barely see my other kids, and have let her live with me into her thirties
You need to stop this. I know you think you are helping here, but you are not – you are enabling her. She has no goals, no drive, she is just rotting away, entitled and spoiled and quite possibly mentally ill, but untreated. You doing all the adulting for her is not making her feel better, is it? No, it’s not, bc if it was to work, it would have already worked. You need to stop enabling her descent into becoming a damp log instead of a human being.
She needs her own place, her own financial responsibilities and therapy – instead, you became her crutch, which is actively hurting her. And you need to stop rejecting your other family member do her – which yeah, if you are not seeing them because of her, you are choosing her over them and destroying your relationship with them. Which you seem to understand – you said yourself that your relationship with them has a wedge because of HER – but you just accept it and are not planning to change it? OP, you need to get a grip. Change it while it’s still possible to repair those relationships. Maybe it’s not too late.
in contrast to what others are saying i’m going to say you haven’t done everything you can. you took the easy way out and catered to her unhealthy mental state. the hard thing to do is to say hey i wrong support your delusions and tantrums. whatever is going on is not just depression.
Oh hi mom, I didn’t know you were on Reddit! /s
In seriousness, you sound just like my mom with my sister. My sister too struggles with mental illness, believes that her feelings are more real than anyone else’s, demands that my mother bend over backward to accommodate them, and most importantly/egregiously of all *believes that everyone that is going wrong for her is someone else’s fault.* Keep that last point in mind, we’ll come back to it.
You are essentially asking how to make your youngest daughter understand that you are trying your best to support her. **You cannot make her understand, and you need to stop trying to do so.** You cannot change her behavior or understanding through love or finally finding the “right” way to support her, because nothing you do will ever be enough. She will continue moving the goalposts, because she is invested in the belief that she is the “black sheep” and her lack of success is someone else’s fault — and if she believes it’s someone else’s fault, that means *it’s someone else’s problem to fix*.
If the problem is that you/her siblings haven’t supported her, that means her failure to launch is *your/their* problem to resolve, not hers. She doesn’t have to put in the work. Your eldest children understand this is a scam — how the fuck are they supposed to “support” her besides just straight up giving her everything she wants? That’s unrealistic. *You*, however, are still falling for the scam; and like every scam it means she’s getting what she wants (financial support, affirmation that it’s Not Her Fault, her mom’s undivided attention and loyalty) and you are losing out (money, emotional energy, relationships with your eldest kids).
How to fix it? Stop falling for the scam.
Her life is not your problem to fix. You can love and support her while refusing to ask “how high?” every time she asks you to jump. You don’t have to kick her out, but you *do* have to stop putting her feelings above your own. Set boundaries. She wants to sulk and pout because her siblings came over and you spent time with them? OK, that’s her choice. It’s toddler behavior so treat it as such. Make the active choice to ignore her behavior and focus on enjoying your time/company with your other children. Her feelings are impacted by her depression, but they are still *her* responsibility. Mental illness is a reason, not an excuse. And she does not get to dictate your relationships with others. Full stop.
Beyond all that, as others have said, she needs therapy and active treatment for her depression. She needs to start building a launch plan that takes accountability for her own choices and figures out how to start achieving the things she wants, without blaming others for their lack. Again, *her feelings are not your responsibility to manage.* You also need (individual) therapy to understand why you feel so responsible for her own feelings and to figure out how to set boundaries. I strongly suspect your late husband was the family disciplinarian, and when you lost him you lost the boundaries that he automatically set. It’s time to start learning how to set them on your own.
Honestly, the best thing for both of you is separation. Since she’s so incapable rent a studio for her for 6 months and let her be independent. It will hurt. She will beg. Ignore.
Go visit the kids who aren’t abisive
Gently, by bending so much to accommodate her, you are not modelling healthy living. Where is she going to learn it, if not from you? She needs to see other people just living their lives and being happy, letting her sulk if necessary. They make her uncomfortable because they know how to do things she can’t, but she needs to feel uncomfortable to ever change.
Therapy, possibly a psych ward, and giving her an ultimatum deadline to move out by. I would literally list the ways in which you’ve supported her, and tally up the finances and confront her with it all. If she still can’t see then that’s her problem. You’ve already done way more than enough. You can offer to get her the help that she needs but otherwise stop doing things for her, and tell her she has to find a job and move out. She’s 32.
For reference, I’m the middle child I lived with my family between 22-27 so 5 years and I didn’t pay rent, but I was working multiple jobs, saving for grad school, and I attended grad school while at home to save money as rent is very expensive in my area and my degree is insanely expensive, and am about to graduate with my Masters and with honors next month. I got an amazing job offer in my field halfway into my program that I accepted and have been working for a year now, and I’m a new homeowner, I own my condo and skipped the renting process. My job, car, home, degree, everything is my responsibility and I have built all of this and pay my own bills at 28. I’m paying all my student debt and mortgage myself and will pay my parents back one day in the future for everything once I can afford it. So it goes to show you can help a family member and invest in them, but only if they’re headed to success. Not if they’re being enabled and working towards nothing and mooching off of you.
My daughter was diagnosed with depression at age 12. She’s been treated since then with minimal improvement. Just recently, we found out it is likely borderline personality disorder, which requires different therapy. Her meds were also changed. Mental illness can be difficult to get treated correctly. She should be seeing professionals if she’s not already.
Honestly, she sounds like she has a psychological disorder and your being codependent with your daughter.
My daughter has psychological problems and still lives with us. I fear she will hurt herself. I got myself into individual therapy and her as well.
I hope you do the same.
Kick her out already.
She will never love herself if she continues to be a leech. Self-value isn’t given, it’s earned.
Support isn’t supposed to be a one-way street. When has she ever helped anybody, supported you or her siblings.
Break this circle of despair. You have done enough. Live your life for yourself from now on.
This screams schizotypal personality disorder, especially if you consider the delusions about being a psychic. I of course would never diagnose based on a Reddit post, but she needs help for sure.
Oh sweetness, I’m a mother of four, and one of them has always viewed herself as the victim too (no matter the situation and the fact that she’s usually the aggressor). Things will not get better if you do not start enforcing some firm boundaries on what is appropriate behavior. Your child has been allowed to get to a point where she is an emotional abuser. She is emotionally abusing you to keep you from having relationships outside of her. That isn’t healthy for either of you. Your daughter, just like mine, is the type who will just take and take and take and take, unless someone finally says no and sticks by it.
You are not doing her any favors by continuing to play into her delusions. She needs to be on a treatment plan, and working through a plan to become independent, or she needs to leave. There is a good chance that this has gone on for too long already, and that she is so stubborn that she won’t ever want to take responsibility for herself. That is not your problem. it sounds harsh to say it, but you may have to choose between letting her flounder and find her own feet, or never having a relationship with the rest of your family, while she stays stuck as a child at home. I would suggest working with a mental health professional for coming up with a game plan to get her to be independent, and then sticking with it.
I suspect her life plan is this. Stay with you under the current arrangement until you die, and in the meantime, she isolates you from the rest of your family through guilt tripping and manipulation, so you leave everything to her.
Write your will, leaving things evenly divided between all your children.
Have a family meeting with all your children present.
Explain how you are dividing things up.
Write the will so that your property is to be sold after your death, and any contest of the will leaves the contestors’ portion donated to charity.
Also, with any death of the beneficiaries, if they have no children, their portion goes to charity.
make your legal representative (eg, solicitor) your executor so that none of the kids pull a fast one.
You will know how the land lies at this point.
Your manipulative daughter will do everything possible in this meeting and after it to get you to change your will because it is ‘unfair ‘ to her.
That she ‘ deserves ‘ all or most of the inheritance, as she doesn’t have a job or will be homeless.
Don’t budge an inch.
Tell her that this is why she needs to seek medical and psychiatric help now, in order for her to be able to live a full and good life.
Besides, it would be unfair for you to deprive your other children of their inheritance.
I really needed to read this post today. I kicked my 28 year old daughter out last night. She sound *exactly* like OPs daughter.
Mine stayed here for a week, was great for a few days, then decided that the thing to do was to lock herself in the upstairs bathroom for hours, smoke cigarettes, and get high. For two days in a row.
She’s been kicked out of her grandmothers house, her ex-boyfriends house, and my house all in the past 6 weeks.
I’m sympathetic to trauma and falling on hard times, but that is just ridiculous and I’m over it.
Your youngest is sounding like NPD, schizotypal, or borderline personality disorder.
Zero empathy towards children that share 25% DNA with her, manipulating and isolating you, genuinely unable to empathize with other’s viewpoints, feverishly spending money on things she doesnt need/appearance, belief of psychic abilities, cosmetic surgeries… seriously she needs psychiatric evaluations on these 3 disorders.
I’m really sorry you have to go through this. Your other children will always be there to support you. Put your foot down on the one that’s making your life miserable, and don’t feel bad about it.
She needs to stop being allowed to control the family dynamic.
If she wants to alienate herself, that’s fine, but let her alienate HERSELF and not all of you. Do not feel guilty for continuing to have family gatherings and family time. Do not accommodate her or make HER more comfortable in her tantruming. If you guys want to have family gatherings at your house, have them.
Don’t feel bad about it. It’s your house. If she doesn’t want to see them, she can leave or, you know, be an adult and move out. Don’t let her come out and be a Debbie downer, if she comes out with a sourpuss and spoils the mood or acts like an asshole to the kids, tell her she can take her shitty attitude elsewhere as it’s not welcome at family gatherings.
Make plans with your other kids. She can be pissy about you having plans with the other kids all she wants, but remind her that it’s her decision to not include herself.
Being the older kid who CONSTANTLY came AFTER the needs of the youngest. It never goes away, and it never gets better. I love my parents, but I often wonder what life would’ve been like if my younger sibling didn’t control so many aspects of our lives simply by perpetually being the baby.
Op, check out the book “stop walking on eggshells” it really helped me understand what was going on in my relationship. Biggest take away, when you care for yourself first you care for everyone else better. Good luck on your journey to prioritizing yourself.
She doesn’t do for herself because she doesn’t have to. You support and enable her to continue to do exactly what she has been doing. She doesn’t need to grow or change for the better because she doesn’t need to. Give her notice to vacate or start charging rent. Stop allowing her to dictate who you have in your home and do not allow her to mistreat them.
As a depressed woman in my 30s living with my mother in her 60s, I can tell you this isn’t depression. Your daughter is an emotional terrorist. She isn’t looking for support; she’s looking to control. Give her 6-9 months notice but tell her you want her out of your house if she continues to isolate you from your other children for ridiculous made up reasons only she can see.
Dude, why on earth do you allow your youngest child to treat the rest of her family that way? Hell no. Cut the apron strings. She’ll succeed or fail but she’s an adult and her life is on her. You can’t protect her forever and you can’t protect her from herself.
You’re so focused on your needy kid that you’re not really being an available parent to your other kids and that’s not fair. Even if they’re independent and successful, that doesn’t mean they don’t need you, or that their needs don’t matter.
What does she do to support anyone in her family? Why does she think support should only flow to her and not from her?
Sounds like she’s in a self-pitying control drama, and it’s very effective. Not joyful, but effective.
I hope you re-embrace your other kids and grandkids. Let her have her tantrum and pity party. That’s on her.
I really hope you give her the boot. She’s a full grown adult, with some incredible skills in getting what she wants. She can use those to work and get a place to live.
I wish you luck.
The greatest help you can give to your daughter is to make her look after herself, pay for herself, take care of herself, take responsibility for herself.
She’s spoilt, manipulative, mean, selfish and entitled. And by continuing to do what you do, you’re enabling her. She will never ‘see’ all you do for her, or the errors of her ways, without you forcing her kicking and screaming (and don’t doubt it, she absolutely will) into the real world.
Best thing you can do is start charging her rent, food money, split chores around the house and cooking responsibilities. She’s an adult, she takes on her half of all the bills, rent, housework. That should force her out without you having to kick her out, and then you get your life back.
Don’t allow her to ruin all the good relationships in your life. They are so much more valuable than one with someone who treats you so badly.
I would imagine your other kids are resentful to you as well, that you accept and enable her terrible behaviour. So it’s not just her alienating your other kids, it’s also your allowing this to happen in the first place that’s alienating them. The responsibility of accepting this behaviour is yours. Time for big girl parenting pants on, and get this s**t show back in order.
It’s going to be a tough road, but just keep telling yourself you are doing the right thing. This is the ONLY way you can help her. And it’s the best way. Imagine her tantrums as that silly 2 year old that she seems to be. Don’t take her abuse to heart when she berates you. Dismiss her ridiculous words and actions. Good luck.
She was 22 when your husband died. While a parent’s death hurts at any age, I’d understand her resentment more if she was 12 when he died and no one gave a crap. But she was an adult. It was her responsibility to reach out for help or speak to a therapist if needed.
What she’s doing is incredibly unfair to you, your other children, and your grandchildren. I’m honestly not sure why you’ve let this go on for so long. This is YOUR home, she doesn’t contribute anything. As a person that has struggled with depression for a very long time, this is bullcrap from her end. She’s using it as an excuse at this point.
You need to set firm boundaries with her. If she cannot be polite to everyone else, she needs to move out and behave that way in her own home. Not here. Furthermore, they are your children too and you love them too! Stop letting her make you feel bad. How do you think your other children feel that they can’t even have a relationship with their only parent because of their immature behaving sister?
You honestly sound a lot like my mom. Her 32 yo daughter still lives with her, has never had a job, doesn’t drive, doesn’t do any chores around the house, just plays video games all day and says she’s depressed.
Now mom has cancer and she’s not doing well. (Has less than a year.) Sis is going to be so fucked because there’s no one else in the family who will take her in, she needs help and never got it. The reality is, this was all caused by a complete lack of boundaries by our mom. Please get some therapy and learn to set healthy boundaries with your daughter.
Okay- depressed kid with no motivation becomes something completely different when you add that SHE IS DELUSIONAL AND THINKS SHE IS A PSYCHIC.
Good god lady, get your daughter some help, and get yourself some help too. You aren’t helping her or yourself by doing nothing.