Me(29F) – Him (26M)
We have been together for 7 years and married for coming up on 5 we got together under traumatic circumstances for the both of us and I am started to think that is the only reason we are together now
Ladies
Or men need some help here
Im just not happy anymore. He is the sweetest man I have ever met but we just do not connect any longer and I want to be happy more than anything and i would love for him to be happy too because he deserves that. I am very empathetic towards other people in my life and I put his feelings before my very own. And I do not want him to live the life I have lived with the major trust issues and constant anxiety filled states. That were formed from a sexually abusive uncle in my teen years
I just don’t know what to do. I want to be happy. And I want him to see that we are not a perfect match. This man is always happy and blissful and I just donot see things the same way
I see other women that are happy living their life and I want to be a part of that. And I feel like I am missing out because I am not happy. I don’t want to ruin this man mentally for the rest of his life. But how does one approach something like this?
We did do counseling a couple years back after we did fertility treatments that were unsuccessful. (we still do not have children)
He insisted so after I had mentioned something similar this feeling. But I was ready to leave then, but seeing him upset made me feel horrible so I stayed.
8 comments
There is no such thing as a perfect match. All marriages are give and take and take work and communication to be healthy.
That being said, if you want to leave him, leave him. You haven’t actually told us anything about your marriage. You just say you’re unhappy. There is no easy way to say you want a divorce without hurting him. You gotta just rip the band-aid off and do it. His feelings do not belong to you and that means you can’t control them. He will need to process his grief himself and that’s how he will heal.
I don’t want to seem dismissive, but the 7-year itch is a real thing. Relationships go in ups and downs, and it’s perfectly normal.
I’d suggest giving it a little time and then seeing if you still feel that way after a while. If so, then take action. But be patient with yourself.
Don’t expect marriage to make you happy if you’re not finding happiness in yourself. It just doesn’t work that way. Marriage can amplify happiness, but it can’t create it.
Lastly, you have no idea if those other women are happy or not. People generally don’t put their unhappiness on display.
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So, what are you unhappy about here? You don’t feel connected to a husband that loves you and is happy with you? Just want to understand.
What would make you happy?
I think youre very unhappy with yourself and making it seem like an issue in your marriage, perhaps self sabotaging, definitely comparinf yourself to others is damaging. In a previous post you compares your connection to the connection your friends have with their spouse.
Man here. Sounds like you haven’t cheated on him, so far, and that’s to be commended. If the fire has gone out for you, I would suggest some personal therapy for you to see if you can specifically identify the source(s) of your unhappiness. After that, if it’s something that can be fixed, maybe try marriage counseling again, but with a different therapist. If it’s something that can’t be fixed, I would suggest divorce, before you end up cheating on him and wasting more of your (plural) time. Just remember that, for many women, they are looking for something that’s as rare as unicorns. They are looking for a responsible, grounded, dependable man who is a good provider and makes you feel safe and secure. But, they are also looking for a “bad boy” who can make them feel like a lustful whore. It’s almost impossible to get everything you want in one man. It’s great that you genuinely seem to care about him and his feelings. Something else you can do and it’s free, is to go on to YouTube and view everything that Esther Perel has posted. I find her brilliant.
Hardwiring happiness by rick hanson (book)
The happiness trap (book)
Women who think too much (book)
Anything Sheryl Paul (try website first)
There are tons of anxiety podcasts