My husband is a very dedicated man, he has always worked and studied hard. Today he is a software engineer and works as an airplane pilot, I am very proud of the man I married. He always had the dream to work and live in the USA (we are French), since he was a child he has dreamed about it, he loves the climate, the culture, everything about this country enchants him. He always made this very clear, even before we started dating I already knew that he had this goal. During our engagement he asked me if I would be willing to go with him and I said yes. This was 16 years ago, my mind was different. Today we have a son who is 10 and a daughter who is 7, we have a comfortable house, our car, our friends, our family, but he didn’t give up this crazy dream.
At the beginning of the year he came very close to getting a permanent visa (I don’t understand much about these processes, but it has to do with his professional experience, he even received job proposals). He was very happy but I ended up ruining everything. I said that I wouldn’t go with him, I wouldn’t take our children, who are children, to a totally different country, I wouldn’t abandon my family, my friends, leave everything behind to start over. He got angry, said some things, but he apologized, said that he wouldn’t talk about it anymore and asked me never to mention it again.
I really thought that everything was fine, but he has changed completely since that day. He is sad, always quiet and with his head down, he doesn’t eat well and spends hours tossing and turning in bed until he sleeps. I have caught him crying hidden three times. But whenever I ask him what’s wrong he tells me it’s nothing, that it’s just stress from work and tells me not to worry. He was never like this, he was a happy person and now he sits all day looking at the walls, I am sure that I caused all this, I want to help but he don’t want to talk, he keeps lying saying that everything is fine.
I even try to think about the idea of living in another country, but when I think about my children who love France, my family who will stay, my friends, I start to cry. I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t want to get into this madness with him but I also don’t want to see the love of my life wasting away in sadness because of me. I really need advice on what to do.
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I would like to add a few words: He always told me about these plans, it wasn’t something that happened all of a sudden. This dream comes from childhood, he traveled there with his parents at age 10 and fell in love. Our honeymoon was there, we’ve visited the US 6 times, he really loves that country.
I never doubted that he would achieve this dream, but I hoped he would forget about it, that was my mistake, staying silent waiting for him to give up. At the beginning of the year he got it, just a “yes” and a signature and he would have a visa.
The big problem is our children. If it were just me and him I would definitely go, I would suffer a lot but I would do it for him, but I don’t accept putting our children at risk. It pains me a lot to see him like this, but they are our children, I can’t risk it. He’s an airplane pilot, spends two, three to four days away from home, and I’m responsible for everything. Here I have many to support me, and there? who would i have?
25 comments
I would say marriage counseling to start.
Well you broke his heart and shattered a life long dream that you had apparently signed up for.
I hope you find a way to fix it.
Life in the US isn’t that good anymore anyway. Check out the subs on relationships, fidelity and so forth. France is much, much better.
Let’s look at this way. What would be your response to your husband giving you an ultimate on a life long dream that you were upfront from the beginning? This is very likely going to lead to a terrible marriage that ends in a divorce. This is something he is not going to get over, and he is going to start to resent you, and this is not something you are willing to move on.
Would you be willing to compromise and retire there?
Where in the US does your husband want to live? Rural Nebraska is going to be way different than LA or New York. As an American I understand why people come her from unstable countries but coming from a high quality of life country like France, the US may be a big downgrade in many aspects he hasn’t considered (our healthcare is an expensive mess, little public transportation outside of pricey urban cities, gun violence, mass shootings every week or so, not much of a social safety net, women’s rights be taken away to name a few). It sounds like he may have an idealized version of this country that is not reality.
I would try to find out what specifically he thinks the USA can offer him that France can’t. We have a lot of opportunities but also a lot of problems that don’t exist in other developed countries. I don’t blame you for not wanting to give up your nice life at home and uproot your children. Counseling could help too as others have recommended. It sounds like he may have a “grass is greener” mentality. He may just need time to process that his dream may not match reality and work out.
ETA: Some of these comments are kind of harsh. Being open to something 16 years ago doesn’t always mean we still are so much later. Kids change our perspectives and we as people grow and change as well. Maybe the kids would be traumatized being taken from friends and families and schools and moving to a foreign country. Maybe it would be a great change. We don’t know until we do it and there are a lot of variables. Maybe OP has aging parents she doesn’t want to leave and miss out on time with. Life is a lot different 16 years down the road. I hope you can find some kind of path forward that works for your family. I don’t think you “ruined” your husband’s happiness. You had one view 16 years ago and now as a mother and different person you have another.
First and foremost you keep calling it his crazy dream. Why is it so crazy? Is he mentally incompetent? Does it seem like it if he has two jobs. I’m sure he provides very well for you and your family. Would this change if you moved? So what is your priority in your life? Is it your family but you mentioned multiple times is it your country? Would you mentioned most of all times? Is it your husband? Is it your children? Is it your immediate family? Sounds like he crushed his dreams and now he’s a broken man. Congratulations.
I understand that it’s different because you agreed 16 years ago before kids. But I think you need to keep the conversation going with your husband. You obviously know why he’s upset so maybe just bring it up directly. Don’t ask him what’s wrong so he can lie. You know what’s wrong. Also, he came close to getting a visa or he got one?? That’s different. Also, may I suggest planning a family vacation there first ??? That would clarify whether it’s still a goal for him and would clarify your thoughts on it.
He married you with the understanding that you agreed to participate in his dream. It’s hard to leave people behind, but I think you should give it a shot.
What to do? You agreed to something very significant and then you just…changed your mind and he’s supposed to go along with it. What did you think was going to happen?
A dream he was holding and growing for 16 years is a lot to destroy.
Perhaps find a way to start taking trips as a family so he can show you and your children what he loves about The USA.
Or….
Let him suffer alone and consider to observe his personality changes and his trust in you diminish.
If you love him you will do something about this.
He’s been working towards that goal all his life, while you were getting comfortable with your life in France. Now he has no dream to work towards, so of course he’s depressed. You could have been preparing yourself to go as well, but it sounds like you doubted it would happen. You doubted his dream. Now he can either have his family, or his dream. It’s not a very fun choice to make.
All this time you have been growing apart as you’ve envisioned different futures. To stay together, you’ll need a shared vision for your life.
I don’t know what you should do but I can tell you the only thing that’s going to make him NOT waste away in sadness, would be following his dream with his family there with him.
You just refused to support your husband’s dream. That is why he would be depressed. Nothing to do with whether you stay in or leave France. Everything to do with his dream. You didn’t even offer to talk it out and figure something out that could work for both of you. It probably has impacted his trust in you. You didn’t support this dream, why should he share any others with you?
Marriage will never be the same now, also calling his dream crazy is very telling. Hope you did say that to him. He may stay but is black cloud will be there forever.
That would have broken me, too.
I’m wondering, has he never brought up these dreams the entire marriage? What did you think was happening as he was applying for permanent residency? When y’all talked about the future in real terms, this wasn’t a part of it? I’m so curious as to why now things have come to a head and not earlier…
I don’t mean to pile on, but for as much as men are demonized this is very sad. Husband was very upfront and honest, did everything in his power to hold up his end of the bargain now all of that is down the drain, by what he thought, wasn’t even a variable in the equation. The rug was completely pulled from under him and I just don’t know if it were me, how I’d forgive it, just feels like betrayal, not at the level of infidelity but still hurts nonetheless
Whether it happened suddenly or over the course of a couple years, you got into a relationship and marriage with a man who told you his goals and ambitions from the beginning.
He studied hard and worked hard to get where he’s at. He went through the proper channels and networked with people to get his visa and job offer. You can bet those bridges are burned 100%. The world might be big, but the working industry is small and now others in the industry will overlook him for what has happened.
He literally gave it all up because you changed your mind. That man is broken through and through. His career will suffer as well which will in turn affect his family indie time.
You acted quickly without thinking any of this through.
This is your new life.
Edit: I know I’ll be downvoted to oblivion.
It could be a very good experience for the kids to experience life in another country. Give it a try, there will be nothing to stop you from returning to your home country. When the kids are ready to go off to university they can attend in France if they choose. As it sounds you may lose your husband if not from divorce then from depression and sadness. You have known all these years he wanted to do this and you agreed to it. Maybe you and your husband can agree that you and your children can spend holidays in France if he isn’t able to due to work. You might find you enjoy the change also, at least give it a try.
OP, you never believed in your husband. It would be one thing if your husband just sprung all this on you overnight and out of the blue. You married your husband, not your family. I was a child and traveled with my parents until I was 15 when my dad bought a house and we settled in our place until we finished high school. Kids are resilient, and they’ll be fine. It’s time to have a serious talk with your husband and stop trying to avoid him. You hurt him. Somehow, you need to figure out how to make this right.
If you want good news – the market for airline pilots here in the US is really good…but better than Europe, and our airline pilot pay is top notch at present. Have a lot of friends who are airline pilots here, and in comparison to being a pilot in the EU it’s a pretty solid lifestyle over here!
You made promises to him and broke said promises.. you broke your husband knowingly… you had no intentions of moving and now using kids as an excuse.
I feel sorry for you husband.. he had our dream and you ruined it
One of my friends had a similar situation. prior to marriage he had discussed with his wife his dream of living and working abroad. She was enthusiastically on board. They have three kids together since.
Then a couple of years ago he was able to get an offer for very high paid job in Singapore. she refused to go and he had to let the job opportunity slip. this cause significant anger and resentment.
The wife felt he became emotionally unavailable and she began to seek that attention elsewhere. She had an affair and blamed the husband. She took no accountability for her actions whatsoever, or for pulling the rug out from under him, and their shared dream Now they are divorced and have each suffered the consequences and the children suffered the most thought I would share this because it seems. somewhat similar to OP story
You single handedly ruined your marriage. You knew this was his DREAM & it was attainable & you stomped all over it & acted like it’s no big deal. You let him work his ass off to give you a comfy life & then when he had the opportunity close at hand you tell him you’re not leaving France. Like you baby trapped him essentially because I guarantee he would not have stayed in a relationship much less get married & have kids with a woman that thought his life dream was silly & didn’t actually support him.
Husband sounds like an intelligent man of focus and dedication. He didn’t waver pursuing his dream and it took him a long time to get where he is in life. Did you just say nothing about it all this time only to drop the bomb at the last moment?
His spirit has been broken and he is just a shell of himself now. Can you comprehend how badly , how painfully and how completely you have emasculated him? His childhood dream broken by someone who broke her word to go with him. The psychological damage done must be horrendous for him.