Housework is ruining my relationship, HELP.

16 comments

1. You discuss a chore division, and if you can’t come up with one you can both be happy with then you are incompatible to live together. So, you sit down and you both really think about which chores you are willing to do how often and if there is a way you can make things work. If your partner isn’t willing to put work in to make the relationship work and get chores done, then he’s the wrong partner for you.

2. You can look online and find simple chore charts/resources to help you manage household tasks. Yep life is planning meals, cooking, cleaning up, maintaining where you live and work most of the time.

   You guys are almost 30, how have you survived this long without getting that? Did you just leave home recently?

3. I’ve posted about this several times before, but my husband and I do not rotate chores or take turns in any way. We only do our assigned chores and that’s it.

   It takes the pressure off. You never have to wonder who will do what today because it’s already been accounted for. The mental load just disappears.

   These are the examples I always give. I haven’t taken out the trash in years and my husband hasn’t cleaned a toilet in years. One time my husband didn’t wash the dishes on time, so I didn’t make dinner until he washed the pot I needed because washing dishes is not my job.

   One time I started a load of laundry late at night because I failed to do it earlier and hubby didn’t have clean clothes to wear to work in the morning. When you feel the inconvenience of your poor choices, it’s so heavy it makes you never want to forget again.

   Sit down and write out every chore and every mental load task (buying gifts, paying bills, arranging sitters…) And start dividing it up however you see fit. The rules are simple: Do your assigned chores however you see fit, but if it’s starting to negatively impact the other person, you need to find a better way. Never do the chores of the other person unless they are sick or specifically ask for help.

4. My wife and I do a thing where we set a timer, usually for 30 minutes to an hour and for the duration of the timer one of us is in charge. Whoever is in charge can tell the other to do whatever they want besides certain ground rules that we set such as nothing sexual. After the time is up we reset the timer and the other person gets to be in charge.

   We both find it’s a lot easier to tell someone else to do a chore than to just start on it yourself as long as the boundary is set ahead of time that it’s OK to be bossy during the timer. Usually whoever is in charge will also take part in the chore so it really just turns into designated cleaning time but something about taking turns directing the work really helps us.

   We don’t only use the time for chores either, sometimes my wife uses her time to have me just sit with her while she works on a hobby as she finds it easier to get started if someone is nearby. Or I’ll use my time to have her watch me play a video game for a bit. Often the times get used to just cuddle for a while or make each other snacks or go on a walk together.

   We’ve found it to really improve our relationship as it gives us both time to openly communicate our needs to each other and have them be immediately met without feeling as if you are imposing on your partner.

5. Switch off Dishes and kitchen/cooking and meal planning. Those get done daily, one each.

   Agree to spend x mins a day and x hours on the weekend doing chores. Write a list of what you want to hit. Set a timer and get done what you can and then relax together.

6. There’s a method where you sit together and list out all of the things that need to be done regularly to keep a clean home.

   Then you divide that list and each take responsibility for half of them. For each chore you take on you are responsible for the mental load (remembering it, planning it) and the execution.

   Hold up your end. If he doesn’t then the problem escalates.

7. Maybe controversial, but I would look at the budget and see if you can swing a housekeeper once or twice a month. If you can, it may alleviate the frustration and resentment. Then you can focus on dividing and managing the other chores and household responsibilities like daily clean up/upkeep. Figure out things like laundry, dishes, taking out trash, and cooking before you later in the deep cleaning, dusting, mopping and bathrooms.

8. Put fun music on loud, set a timer. See what 20 minutes of 2 people full out can do. Changing the dynamic can often help.

9. My relationship has a similar dynamic in that my husband isn’t concerned with mess/lack of tidiness but he does all the cooking, leaving everything else to me. I found myself feeling like I couldn’t keep up with the house and similarly resenting that it wasn’t a team effort to respect our space. We recently hired a biweekly cleaner and it has done wonders for my mental load! It’s makes us both very happy and we get to spend that time hanging out instead of me resentfully cleaning. Would highly recommend if you can swing it in any capacity!

10. Consider getting a cleaner. They are not THAT expensive and ull have not only a clean house, but also a clean mind and a better relationship. Might be very well worth the investment

11. I’ve found that my relatives will help for fairly cheap. For example my sister. Hey could you come over on Saturday, I need some help with the kitchen and then we can hangout afterwards… Two of you together have 4 hands and you would be amazed at what can happen in 45 minutes. Give 35 bucks in exchange for time and gas money.

12. I 99% of the cooking, house repairs, and kid transportation. My wife and the kids do 99% of the house chores.
    22 years in, and we do not fight about chores. Divide and conquer. Only pick up during sickness or if one asks for help.
    Sure, you can get bored doing the same thing over and over, but there is no doubt who owns what. No fights over why it isn’t done.
    (Except one of my teenagers who “forgets” every day, but that is for another post! Lol)

13. Disregard if I’m off here, if you’re feeling resentful you probably aren’t/haven’t communicated enough on the housework, and you feel you can’t or shouldn’t say something because you don’t want to be a nagging parent to your partner? If so read on!

    Talk aout the housework in a relaxed setting (regularly throughout your relationship) and share each other’s expectations on frequency, throughnees, deadlines and preferences on the tasks. Also if there’s any barriers stopping them being done.

    You sound like you’re getting burnt out doing majority of the housework so she needs to take on an amount of those tasks necessary to lighten your load enough you can maintain a consistent routine. Discuss which tasks she wants to take on and what both of your expectations are and then your set.

14. I do all the household cleaning and cooking except laundry, my partner will do that and maintain the outside. Our children do their own chores which are dishes, rubbish and recycling. This works for us.

15. Have you asked your partner about a routine, like a chore list that you guys follow? Would he be willing to help?
    I have tried this with my partner, and it hasn’t worked. I find him to be lazy, as I am constantly cleaning. That is what’s ruined my relationship. For me it’s not that he’s not naturally clean, it’s that he doesn’t help and we have 3 kids. I’m someone who needs to have a clean home.

16. My wife and I just do the same chores indefinitely.
    I get to
    Take trash, do dishes and the yard and the kids room.

    While she takes care of kitchen. Floors. Laundry. And living room.

    Other than picking up after yourself its much easier just having the set list you are responsible for and being onto of it.