I don’t want to lose my life partner. 39m, 34f.
My girlfriend of over 12 years wants to break up because we’ve recently been arguing a lot more than usual.
My work life has been stressful the past 2 years. It’s definitely taken a toll on me. While hers has thrived. I’m her biggest fan.
Since December we had some big talks after some arguments and decided we’d work on them and I’d begin therapy.
We lost my dad in January and while I should have begun therapy I decided to pause on it and grieve by myself. I didn’t want my focus in therapy to be about healing from the loss of my father.
My work has picked up again and we’ve taken a couple trips recently which have been fun. This week we get back from a trip and have a few arguments that could have been avoided. But weren’t.
She thinks we are growing apart. I don’t feel that way at all, I just think it’s a rough patch. Obviously I’m going to begin my personal therapy this week. Should I suggest couples counseling as well? We have been talking about marriage and kids. I want to save this.
TL;DR: Partner of 12 years wants to break up since we haven’t worked past issues. We have a mostly great relationship. We’re best friends and very close. I begin personal therapy next week.
21 comments
Yes to couples therapy. Keep going to personal therapy. Maybe you can save this and maybe you can’t. It takes two people really trying to keep a relationship going. If she’s already decided to leave, you can’t stop her.
If you’re planning marriage and kids, why have you not proposed to her already sometime in the last 12 years? Dating that long without a proposal would be a dealbreaker for most women and create a ton of resentment that may be spilling over into new arguments.
My take is that you’ve chosen to not do a thing about a lot of shit that is driving you and your partner apart, so it shouldn’t be much of a surprise that she’s finally throwing in the towel.
When life gets more difficult, the natural response is just what you’ve done: take a break from what feels hard – you can deal with everything else later. But doing that means that those close to you have to deal with the fact that you’re no longer dealing with issues that make it hard to be around you.
I’m sorry your dad died and that your work life has been stressful.
But that doesn’t give you a pass to ignore issues that are quite obviously affecting your relationship. If anything, it means putting **more** effort into addressing those issues. Perhaps working with your therapist on additional work outside of sessions, or taking part in a grief group.
The salient point is that those Big Talks in December that led to a deal where you’d work on issues together than that you’re going to go to therapy don’t just vanish because of some bad happenings in your life. Everything that led to the Big Talks is still hurting your relationship, and the reasonable reaction on your partner’s side to “I’m not going to therapy” is to see you as not interested in doing what needs to happen to repair your relationship.
If you are a analogy person … it’s like you’ve had terrible BO for years and you agreed with your partner that you’d shower twice a day to deal with that, but now you’ve broken an arm, so you’ve decided to shower every other day so you can deal with your arm. Fine, but in the meantime, your partner is still stuck smelling your terrible BO.
What do each of you do for a living? Who makes more money, and by how much? Two of the most significant predictors of divorce are the man being unemployed, and the woman gradually out earning the man. If she just started making a lot more money than you, she may perceive you as beneath her and see herself as someone who can do better.
Has she articulated to you a desire to get married soon? Women seek security and reassurance in their relationships, and the fact that you could break up with her right now with her getting little to no return on her “investment” could be causing her to resent you.
Schedule a couple’s therapy session as soon as you read this comment.
Two years isn’t a rough patch, it’s a downward trend.
I’m sorry about your father, that’s terribly hard to deal with, but you made some commitments to your spouse that you then broke. Further to that, why wouldn’t your therapy be able to cover both? There’s nothing wrong with getting the support you need for the loss of your father AND your relationship. Therapists aren’t a one-trick pony, if you go in and tell them that you’re having deficiencies in your relationship, that’s what they’ll work on. They won’t narrow in on the loss of your father unless you ask them to.
You’ve also left out information here, what are you arguing about? Is there a trend to the arguments? For example, are you committing to doing things around the house and then not doing them? Chronically late? Do you snore like a chainsaw and she’s sleep deprived? A lot of what’s going wrong in a relationship can be defined by what you’re arguing about.
Yaaa no….. all these people saying sorry about your dad then contradicting their statements…. I couldn’t imagine losing my dad. And then having my partner not there for me either or understanding the grief process…. that’s messed up in my opinion.
Dating for 12 years and no commitment is so selfish. You didn’t think she wants marriage or kids? And she’s a woman so you’re making her get older with no commitment. Im glad she’s waking up now, I would’ve left a long time ago.
If she is not willing to stick it out she isn’t the one. I hate to say that in regards to your 12 year relationship but your father just passed among other things. Relationships aren’t peachy all the time. Especially after 12 years. She should know that and want to fight through any rough patches. Good luck brother
I’ve seen this situation play out often. She’s not married, no kids, 34 years old. There a high probability she was wants to be married and have kids before she’s 40. She loves you, but she wants what she’s programmed to want, a family. Chances are she found someone that can fulfill her goals. Think long and hard as to what you want, but also know she has goals.
Good luck Ted no matter what the outcome is stay true too your self and to the people you love , and remember everything happens for a reason just keep your head up.
I gotta say, I’ve been your girlfriend. My partner and I were in a ” rough spot” in his words, but in my words it was ” I can’t do this anymore unless XYZ happens”. Then his uncle who was like a second father to him passed away. He was crushed, grieving, and I found myself doing my best to support him ( and bearing the brunt of his anger in his grief) and growing resentful because he went from “someone I love who is acting like a jerk” to ” someone I love who is acting like a jerk and expects to get away with it even more because he’s grieving”. I hated myself for feeling this way, but it got too hard to be there for someone who had previously shown me he wasn’t interested in being there for me. We are past this point now, but I am in therapy for the resentment I still carry for him, and while we’re in a better spot now, I don’t know if I can heal from that time, ever.
I am so sorry for your loss. But your girlfriend may have already been breaking under the strain of your relationship, and this is snapping her.
If you want to save this, hold her in your grief. Be vulnerable to her. Be gentle with her. Do not lash out in your anger at her. Let your love for your dad manifest in love for her. She will need your help even now, to feel like the life she has with you is the best choice for her.
Good luck. I hope you can save this, and be at peace if you can’t.
What are these arguments about? I suspect that they are a bigger deal to her than you think.
What are the arguments about?
You won’t like my advice but, as difficult as this will be to read, this is the best solution.
Emotionally, she has one foot out the door.
LET HER GO.
Focus on your issues in therapy. Right now you’re wasting your time and you’re wasting hers (I know, you’ve 12 years invested).
Your relationship is like a house with a leaky roof, electrical issues and shaky foundation. Whenever it rains she’s thinking “why am I still here?”
You’re reactive: “I can fix the roof, just stick around”.
Whenever a light flickers she’s thinking “why am I still here?”
You’re reactive: “I can fix the wiring, just stick around”.
Whenever the house creeks from settling she’s thinking “why am I still here?”
You’re reactive: “I’m sure I can find a way to reset the foundation without upsetting our living arrangements, just stick around”.
LET HER GO!
Build a proper house.
Finally, and this is going to hurt so take a deep breath before reading it.
Really, take a deep breath.
Women, generally, operate very differently from how men generally operate. For women, security and a worthwhile future are key factors when it comes to relationship investment .
As a rule for their survival, women WILL NOT LET GO OF THE BRANCH THAT THEY ARE CLINGING TO UNLESS THEY GET HOLD OF A BRANCH THAT THEY DEEM TO BE MORE FIRM/STABLE.
If she has one foot out the door but hasn’t left then she likely has someone in mind but hasn’t developed a firm grasp yet.
If, on the other hand, she frequently hints/comments about her discontent then she is giving you fair warning before the break. It’s someone that she sees as having their s**t together (no leaky roof, no electrical issues, etc.).
If this is the case, THE LAST THING TO DO IS ACCUSE HER OR ASK HER ABOUT THIS. IF YOU ASK HER ABOUT THIS THEN YOU WILL HAVE STARTED THE COUNTDOWN.
You have to let her go and focus on being a very strong branch; maybe she’ll swing back later if she likes what she sees. Maybe. Maybe not.
BE BETTER.
Your options and results will increase as you improve.
Remember, DO NOT ACCUSE HER OR ASK HER ABOUT “SOMEONE ELSE”. Women are biologically wired to survive. You’ll only start a fire of emotion that you are not equipped to put out.
Let’s repeat that. YOU’LL ONLY START A FIRE OF EMOTION THAT YOU ARE NOT EQUIPPED TO PUT OUT. 12 years will go up in a wall of flames if you fail to hold your tongue.
A word to the wise is sufficient.
Hope this was helpful.
I’m sorry to hear that your father passed, my condolences. I think you should schedule therapy, personal sessions. Honestly, this sounds like the actual time of your life that a therapist will be helpful bc it sounds like your extremely stressed and also grieving. You’ll need it regardless of the outcome btw you and the gf. Also don’t fear to shop around for a therapist that you like and feel comfortable with.
Its so hard to actually give advice bc everything is very contextual in relationships. If I’m gonna take your words at face value.. the fact she says she feels like yall are “growing apart” ….sounds a bit different to me than her being fed up with arguments or it being a rough patch. I think she’s seeing and experiencing the relationship a bit different from you. Regardless, I think all of this will be even hard to sort through or truly understand without some kind of professional working with you two as well.
I am sorry about your dad. I lost mine this past summer and it hurts, but I did still have responsibilities to my spouse and kids.
I have a question, what are the fights about? That does matter. Is it big stuff? Or day to day? Day to day adds up, but depending on what it is, those issues can be overcome.
You’re *just* starting therapy. It’s rough right now. Since you are fully aware of yourself, you are responsible for how you treat her. I know that grief can make moods swing and even express as anger or having a short fuse. But she is your partner of 12 years who you say you want to marry—so you will respect her. Period.
Please stay committed to your healing. You need healthy outlets. You also need to work on bonding with your partner so that you don’t feel comfortable arguing with her in that manner. While it is true that it is easier for us to act out towards loved ones because we feel safe around them, work on disciplining your mind, and consider it against your principles to harm family. If you want to have kids, you’re gonna have to nip this hard in the bud.
Therapy also doesn’t instantly work. I (33F) just had my third session, and it’s just starting to work on my trauma. That “work” can get messy. I cried in therapy, and it left me a bit raw. But I also noticed as my negative feelings were taking over, I started using one of the strategies my therapist taught me to bring it back down.
So don’t expect instant results. During this time of healing you probably shouldn’t do complicated stuff like going on vacations where there’s be a bunch of moving parts, expectations, and a lot of room for disappointment. It’s a total trope… couples loooove to fight on trips. Instead, I would focus on simple intimacy, stuff that really focuses on the two of you, and the activity is relatively fool-proof. In other words, simply spend some time with your partner.
On the other hand, you are experiencing grief. You also need time and space to yourself. Your partner needs to understand that is not you “growing apart.” You are processing loss and that means you need to be able to connect deeply with yourself for yourself, and it actually has nothing to do with her. Some women have a HARD time with this… It has NOTHING to do with her. If someone close to her died, it would be the same. She would have to grieve for herself also, and it would have nothing to do with you.
When someone is grieving, the people close to them can take their withdrawn behavior personally. It is important that she understands that everything happening between the two of you since your father’s death is NORMAL. I would encourage her to expand herself for you because I find it a but selfish that she isn’t understanding your loss. (Edit: HOWEVER, as said below, I also feel you are using this now to not address things that she has tried to resolve with you since BEFORE your father’s passing)
If you’ve been having these problems all this time, your father’s death simply amplified a larger issue. Reveal and understand those issues in their entirety before you even get engaged.
I get the feeling that her side to this would reveal other issues you have not mentioned here. I think that the situation has simply made it necessary to discuss your differences. I also sense you may even be using this to not address issues she has tried to discuss with you repeatedly. You are both wasting your time if you are playing each other to try to make this work.
Multiple people have asked what the fights are about and OP has refused to answer. I find that very telling.
Quit your job. Find a lower stress job that you can handle without taking it out on it girlfriend. The problems in your relationship are entirely your fault. Something has to drastically change if you want to make it work. I think she should cut her losses because her window to have children is gonna close soon and you are obviously not a man she sees having children with.
All you can really do is beg her to give you another chance and tell her you’ll do whatever you want.
Also stop arguing with her. When the argument starts just drop your end of the rope.
Start your therapy and hope she will give you another chance. I wouldn’t if I were her, her request of therapy was very simple but you’ve repeatedly chosen not to do it. She shouldn’t have to threaten to break it off to get you to work on the relationship.
Also if your job makes you argue with your partner you need another job. Two years isn’t a phase, it’s the new normal