Y’all. I am wondering if being blunt and direct at this point is the best way.
I have tried incorporating encouragement into conversations outside of the bedroom. “I REALLY like when you do this thing” or “I am not into nipple play.”
I have tried reminding him regularly about the things I really don’t like without criticizing him.
I have tried encouraging the things I like in the moment.
I have tried being blunt about how things make me feel. I had a kid and breast fed, and now it’s just weird to have my nipples played with. And then when I got pregnant again they got *really sensitive* and even just brushing up against them makes me nauseous. I have told him this, and when I did he got offended, because he *really* like nipple play.
But he also won’t kiss me in bed either. I’ll kiss him and he just…. lays there. I’ve told him I really enjoy kissing during sex and enthusiasm. He acknowledged that he could do better. Then he changes nothing. I told him I like neck or shoulder massages in bed. He decided to massage my IT band, knowing that hurts like fuck. Wut.
Y’all, we hadn’t had sex in literal weeks, because I’m fed up with sex with him. Then we have sex for the first time and he starts out dead fishing when I kiss him, and then IMMEDIATELY plays with my nipples. At this point I just shut down, and jerk him off. Then when I mention there’s nothing nearby to clean off, he suggests I run my super pregnant self to the shower before I make a mess.
I had to ask him to just go grab me a tissue to clean up, y’all. Which he did. Then he wanted to take a shower. Didn’t offer to cuddle, didn’t offer to get me off, nothing. Just wanted to head to the shower. I asked him to stay, and he did. I have told him he likes cuddling.
PIV is even worse. I’m generally not aroused by the time we get there, so now we have to use lube. It still hurts. But he’s a damn quick shot, so it’s like one minute of him pumping and then he’s done.
I’m at the point of sitting him down and being blunt AF: “I really don’t like being intimate with you, and am usually turned off within the first thirty seconds. I don’t want to have sex with you any more.”
Is that the right way to go? I’m just so tired of being so dissatisfied.
Tl;dr: I have tried communicating gently to improve sex with my partner. It has only gotten worse over the years. I’m about to tell him I just don’t enjoy sex with him. WIBTA?
Edit: clarity
11 comments
Nta- you tried. He seems really selfish.
Honestly I’d just get up and walk away every time he chose not to do anything you wanted or specifically chose to do things you told him multiple times you didn’t like. Don’t get him off when he can’t be bothered to get you off.
Yes this is an asshole move. Because what would he do with this information? Nothing positive can come out of this statement. He will probably be destroyed, and your relationship will likely fall apart. If you want the relationship to end, that is fine, but even then I wouldn’t make this statement. It is just going to cause pain, and further divide you two.
I think you absolutely should be able to have good sex. But if you want that, then talk to him about marriage counselling. Find something that can have a positive impact on your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with pushing for better sex. There’s nothing wrong with having more conversations about it, seeking help from a third party, adding toys, etc.
You’re not an asshole for not enjoying sex with your partner. But saying you don’t enjoy sex with him won’t lead to having better sex. It will just separate you further.
My recommendation is counselling. He might have an easier time hearing it from a third party, and a third party will help you phrase it in a way that can encourage growth and change.
This sounds like weaponized incompetence. After several verbal conversations and several incidents of touching your nipples and getting “ouch!” or “agh!” noises from you, he knows exactly what he’s doing.
>At this point I just shut down, and jerk him off
I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life but I wouldn’t give a guy a HJ if he couldn’t be bothered to even make out with me. I’d put a stop to that.
I’d take an approach like “I noticed you don’t seem very into sex lately, what’s going on?” or “I noticed you’re not taking the time to give me pleasure anymore, what’s going on?” – a more open ended conversation starter. If this doesn’t get you anywhere, you gotta bring out the bug guns and get yourselves to some couples therapy.
you could try out another conversation with him, but start it with asking him how he feels about your sex life, what he likes and what not, maybe he opens up if you approach it this way and you can find a solution together.
Don’t lie about how you are feeling, but be careful with your phrasing, you don’t unnecessarily want to hurt your partner, so an open and constructive conversation is possible.
If the goal is to improve communication, then you’re taking a big risk. Some people will treat being told you don’t want sex anymore as a wake up call, while others take it as a signal that the relationship is dying and withdraw emotionally. We don’t know either of you so we can’t see what reaction you’ll get or what his perspective on the situation is.
We also can’t see how you’re communicating with each other and whether the problem is with him, you or a bit of both. Getting some form of counseling or a sex therapist can provide the third party perspective that you both need to work out how to fix things.
What does he like/want?
It’s a tricky one. I can relate and it seems no matter how many times you gently say that you don’t like something, or what turns u on and it appears like it gets ignored. Each time it knocks your confidence that they are a good sexual partner for you. It maybe they get lost in the moment, they maybe acting impulsively, it is sex after all, but if its truly is turning u off then clearly something needs to be done. Once the resentment begins to build it will be harder and harder to get past that next time you are intimate.
My suggestion would be to try and do more erotic and sensual things together to reconnect. Maybe suggest stuff which doesn’t involve penetrative sex or touching the erogenous zones. The nipple thing should be brought up at some point though as if it gives you such discomfort then he needs to retrain his brain and remember this.
Good luck 👍🏼
Sorry to say, but you two sound sexually incompatible. Some kind of sex therapy might help, I don’t know but it does sound like you are losing that part that part of intimacy. He loves nipple play, you hate nipple play. You love kissing, he’s not interested. A marriage without sex and intimacy is long and barren. You have kids, that makes it much harder. It does not bode well, in my view.
NTA. But as a man i’d be over the hills long ago.
I don’t think it would be bad for you to say it. Here’s why. He probably doesn’t like having sex with you either. What he wants you don’t like, and what you want he obviously doesn’t want to provide. But he still wants to get a nut so he begrudgingly takes what he can get. At this point its really about who is going to be brutally honest and say it first. What you do there is up to each of you and most likely will require some couples counseling.
….that man does not love or respect you, and it sounds like he doesn’t even like you.