We dated for 9 years on and off. Just got married 5 months back.
I was playing a game on his (38m) phone and being bored I decided to scroll through his messages.
He had mentioned previously casually that he want to go overseas with friends to unwind. So on 20-22 March (I was having a 3D2N work program) he went overseas. I agreed to let him go overseas since he has left his previous job and will be going to another department soon. On 20th he sent me to work and 22nd he was supposed to fetch me off work at 3-4pm because I will be lugging loads of stuff (which he was late and asked me to cab home myself and he only reached home like 8-9pm with loads of goodies)
He went overseas with a couple and a female friend (I have no idea if she is attached or single), they seem supposedly his online friends from the IRC era.
So in the messages. There was a pitch dark photo of a room and the following message was “she needs total darkness to nap” (or something along those lines). So instinctively, or maybe a blind person could even see is that he shared a room with a female.
I used a very calm and soft tone (similar to a wounded animal) to ask him, can I have a bit of your time to clarify some stuff. Then I showed him the messages and asked him if he wanted to explain himself. He has been sick this few days and he was sleeping so he asked if we can talk when he wakes up because he was feeling sick, but I couldn’t even grab any winks because of all this feelings thoughts in my mind. I told him, i don’t want my mind running wild, can you just try to explain yourself. He told me nothing had happened between them. So I told him, go sleep we talk when you wake up.
I teared up, went out of the room to settle down my emotions. When I headed back in I asked if I can continue looking at his phone so I can just figure out some answers. The group chat with all the 3 IRC friends had shown that he had already planned this twin room since a week before his trip. He knows where she stays. The messages between him and her is deleted (not sure if freshly deleted or long ago, but there had to be messages between them if not how he fetch her for meeting up to go overseas.
My feelings: feeling stupid that I gave so much trust and freedom that he can do all this without caring about how I feel, or if he had actually considered my feelings and realize that it wasn’t a good idea but went ahead with it which would be a zero regards of my feelings. Betrayed like some idiot. He did not respect our marriage enough to think twice. We ain’t rich but definitely have enough money to get 2 separate rooms so saving money shouldn’t be the issue here. Not mentioning anything about it since the first day he started planning it until now a month later seems like he has something to hide. Those goodies he brought back seems like his way of reducing his guilt.
With all this thinking and feelings in my mind.
How can I deal with this situation?
Why would there be a reason to share a room with a friend of the opposite gender when you’re married?
How can we move on from here?
Did nothing really happen? Can I trust that?
29 comments
He’s taking time to formulate the lie to hand you. The fact that the messages are deleted is all you need to know.
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They slept together. Don’t believe a thing that comes out of his mouth.
At best he showed that he has no respect for your relationship or for you as a person because he didn’t bother talking to you about it while making plans and lied to you by omission (deliberately) by not telling you about it.
At worst, and the most likely possibility, he cheated on you.
Either way you deserve better and would be better off divorcing him. It’s highly probable he’s done things like this before that you didn’t find out about. It’s almost guaranteed he will do something like this again if you stay.
Pack either your stuff or his. He lied before, during and after to you. This was well planned out. He will absolutely do it again if you keep him.
Deleted messages….. BIGGEST red flag
I would message the AP and tell her “I know”… see what she says and if she comes clean
Can adult platonic friends share a room? Yes. Do they? Yes. Do they hide it from their spouses? No.
The fact that your husband never mentioned the sleeping arrangements is deeply concerning. It’s hard to imagine that he hid this from you, deleted the message history between them, *and* nothing happened. All of his behavior is screaming “I am not to be trusted”.
So a couple a single girl and him.. think about it…
He ate her ass
It’s very obvious he cheated on you… sit him down have a heart to heart conversation with him, who knows you might slacking somewhere that derived him cheating…
I just took a 4 day trip with a male friend. I’m married and he isn’t. Before we left, I made sure he and my husband were friendly, allowing my husband to see there’s no threat. I called my husband several times a day, just to be above board. Ya man doesn’t respect you, even if he didn’t cheat. Y’all need to get a counselor, and get her on the phone.
He definitely smashed. that’s the thing about on and off relationships doesn’t matter men or women your relationship could be on pause but the other never isn’t. I would definitely confront him about it
You need to set boundaries now. 9 years is a long time for you not to know the friends. You should know the friends if you don’t.
He knows it’s inappropriate and that’s why he didn’t tell you. He was avoiding an argument. He needs to understand how messed up that is.
You have no proof for anything happening so you do need to take his word for it. He needs to know that this kind of shit won’t happen again if he wants to stay married.
He also needs to understand that no one in a committed relationship behaves like this
Just casually went through his messages….sounds like someone who doesn’t exactly trust there partner……
Only one way to go now….before you hit him with divorce payers squirrel off some $ where he cant find…
Depending what phone he has you may be able to recover the deleted messages. It’s exactly what another redditor did after they suspected their partner was deleting messages. Someone in the comments suggested it and they were able to uncover literally thousands of messages proving their partner was cheating.
I know it can be done with iPhones but not sure about others.
It sounds sketchy as hell to me, there is no good excuse for why he would need to delete their messages between each other.
Absolutely not ok.
So he left his wife at home & yard happy couple with another woman? As a joint date???
Is the picture a momento? That seems very intimate that he has a picture of her sleeping.
I’m so sorry. Once trust is broken..it’s rare to get it back. He has layer upon layer of lies. I would not believe him at all. He’s trying to think of a way to make it look innocent. He cheated.
Try to check deleted texts sometimes you can still retrieve them
Contact the girl and talk to the friends and ask why would they condone A married man to share a room with a single female ?
That set up was totally inappropriate and I think planned cause they know he’s married right ? so why arrange the situation like that ? Not only was he wrong, his couple friends are as well.
Did they share just a room or did they share a bed too ?
Are these people your friends as well or only his ? Cause I could see HIS friends trying help their friends get together cause you know who doesn’t want close nit friendship ? There was reasons why he went alone or didn’t get the separate room.
Did he tell you about her at all ? And why would he think it’s ok to not tell you he shared a room with her ?
I think his friends set him up with this woman. 🤷🏻♀️
It’s speculation and you don’t have to go by what I think but make sure you ask your questions cause he won’t tell you the truth at least for awhile (trickle truthing).
I hope it’s not what it seems but Contact the girl and find out more and if you stay get a postnup to protect your self, cause deleted messages mean something and it’s big red flag 🚩.
Good luck
So a couple of times I’ve been on trips and occasionally shared rooms with female good friends and if it was just that I’d say be annoyed and read him the riot act but then OK. But this isn’t. It’s the lying and misleading that I can only see 2 options really. The good version is that this is some close friend or possibly an ex and he knew you would want him not to go and he decided he would rather not tell you and risk his marriage than be asked not to go. But if this I agree he could have sorted out separate rooms. It’s much more likely though that this is a full blown affair that his friends are fully aware of and right now he’s in bed concocting his explanation. As a minimum, he’s going to need to recover those messages and let you talk alone with this friend. Jope it isn’t this but…..
Even if they didn’t sleep together, it’s a massive breach of trust to share a room and not mention it to you even once. Which suggests he knew you wouldn’t like it and felt that lying to you was the best solution.
I talked with him a little. I got a couple bit of info.
So he gave me 150 to cab to and fro work but didn’t wanted to spend another 100 on another room. Mostly because he didn’t want to spend such money but I really can’t accept this answer because I rather he book another room than give me money to cab.
He didn’t tell me because he was afraid I was going to probe or scold or not let him go at all. Disclaimer: I never ever did not let him go to any function or event or any gathering or whatsoever. Yes I will probe more details if he tell me. I will react badly if I knew he was sharing a room with another female. For the info I actually did say it’s okay for him to go have a trip with friends since I was working and couldn’t make time to unwind and relax with him. I just started this new job during start of the year so I couldn’t take any time off as it’s still my trainning period until June.
I asked him if he is really okay if I slept in the same room s another guy and he said depends on who is it. At the same time I know things may not have had happened because during when we broke off during our 9 year relationship I had shared a bed with male friends/ex before but nothing happened.
I f up badly. I tried to recover messages but I accidentally deleted all backups so it’s now not possible to retrieve any delete messages anymore.
Problem now is that I don’t know what to do from here. He broke all trust and all I’m left is feeling disappointed angry sad betrayed and lots of other negative feelings. How do we even move on from here? Even having a heart to heart talk/postnup or anything else. We just got married so by our country laws divorce isn’t possible for another 2 years. I don’t know what should I do or need/want him to do to repair this.
If women keep taking bad behavior from men, they’re just gonna keep giving it to us because they’ll always be somebody out there that does it, but I would just break up with him and move on. He is not worth it part of the reason you date somebody is to see how trustworthy they are and what they’re going to be like as a husband you do not want this in a marriage that you’re stuck in the rest of your life, or even in a series committed relationship.
He went there to cheat on you and he did. He knew exactly what he was doing. Sharing a hotel room with “just a friend” without telling you was deliberate because he knew it was wrong. Also deleted texts is a huge red flag! Try calling her yourself and asking her for details about what happened but I think you should prepare yourself for a divorce.
Husband definitely cheated. Why else erase the messages between him and her? I bet this isn’t the first time something like this has happened and is the reason why you dated on and off for 9 years.
He is still in the mind set of dating on and off. This is what he’s been doing all along. You held onto a shitty relationship for years. Become single and get therapy and change your mindset and attitude from being attracted to crap men and attached to shitty relationships. He planned the trip and the room arrangements with the intention to hookup. The deleted message were too steamy to keep that were leading up to it. He made the messages come true on that trip with memories that you help finance. Pay for a lawyer instead of paying for his hookup travels and get out of this mess of a marriage that you should’ve never been in the first place.
Girl he went on a romantic trip with another couple. You know this. Anything he tells you will be a lie. He’s taking time to speak to the people he went away with to make sure they all tell you the same lie.
My advice is the same as it always is. Get STD tested, find an attorney and visit the Chump Lady website.
If it’s an iPhone, you can click the edit button at the top left of messages app and see if the messages are in “show recently deleted”. Otherwise, I’m getting a bad gut feeling on this one op. Messages being deleted and you not even knowing about them having to share a room is big red flag. Honestly, seems like he cheated to me. :/
So he went overseas with another woman shared a room with her. There is other people there where the messages are they’re showing his intent to be with that woman while overseas. But all the information and all the texts between you the two of them is gone. What does that tell you? Everybody else is absolutely correct about what this is. Also, you mention where he was supposed to pick you up and then doesn’t for another 5-6 hours is that when he was also with this woman? I think it’s pretty obvious what’s going on. It’s up to you to face the facts.