My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We are long distance. To be frank, I feel I have an unhealthy obsession with my boyfiend. I believe it stems from the fact that I have a lot of childhood trauma and abandonment issues. I also have no one else in my life that I can go to with my life’s problems (that actually listen and don’t just say “oh, that sucks. Well, anyways…”) aside from a therapist. This probably adds to my problem.
The situation is intense. I want his attention constantly. He’s the first thing I think about when I wake up, he’s the last thing on my mind when I go to bed. I’m constantly checking my messages to see if he texted me back. I get mad if he’s gone for a day unless he warns me ahead of time. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore outside of “(my boyfriend)’s girlfriend”, if that makes sense. Every time we have a disagreement, I beg, obssess, and cling in desperation and fear that he’ll hate me. I even cry whenever we have disagreements or argue, even if it’s minor. That would be one thing if it was a big dispute, but over small stuff? I feel like a lovestruck child.
I don’t fully understand what happened. For a year, I was okay, and then this suddenly started. I have had past relationships, but in none of them was I like…this. I wasn’t even like this with him for the first year. I am in therapy, but it’s only once every few weeks. So, on to the conflict.
On Saturday, I became upset with my boyfriend again because he was not responding to me. I went to bed angry after leaving a curt “goodnight.” We talked it over in the morning and I apologized. However, things remained very awkward and it was clear that he was still upset despite saying it was okay. So, I talked to him again later. He admitted that while he loves me, I’ve been far too much lately and he feels like he has to walk on eggshells and be there at every moment or risk upsetting me. He said he needs space, that I am free to still message him, but that he may not talk much or reply immediately, for a week or two. He is busy with midterms and can’t take the added stress. I understand I messed up deeply, so I said I understand and will let him have some time.
Still, I need advice. I don’t know what to do. It’s only been 1 1/2-2 days and I already feel like I’m losing my mind. I decided to only check the platform we use to message and call (Discord) two or three times a day because otherwise, I’m constantly checking and obsessing. What can I do to get my mind off of him? How can I better myself so that when this week or two is up, I won’t smother him again?
TLDR: I have an unhealthy obsession with and am smothering my boyfriend. This led to a dispute. He wants space. I need help keeping my mind off of him and bettering myself so that I don’t do this again.
UPDATE & 2nd TLDR:
This is a fast update, but this issue – while not “resolved” – is on its way to a recovery. Late last night, my boyfriend called me and we talked. I explained to him more about how I have been feeling and he explained to me his thoughts as well. He said he was worried about me as well as overwhelmed. He said he had missed me the last 2 days and no longer wants to go through with taking space for a week.
We came up with something of an idea to handle the situation until I can make real improvemen. After messaging him, I’ve said if we don’t start a conversation withimg 15-30 minutes, then I will put down my phone and go find something else to do and check back in 3-5 hours. If he’s still busy, I’ll return to doing other things for another couple hours. We are also returning to having one date per week (we do things through call like watch movies, play video games, etc.) Finally, he helped me brainstorm some ideas for hobbies snd activities I could pick up to keep me busy like I talked about with many of you.
My boyfriend is aware of my issues and is supportive. Right now, things became overwhelming for both of us and he felt he did not know how to help. It seems the issue was partially in frustration because he wants to help and doesn’t know how, which I explained to him that while I do need his comfort and reassurance when I’m working through this., it’s not his responsibility to “fix” this entirely.
Finally, I’ll also be talking to my therapist about meeting more frequently and checking into many of the subs you all suggested.
TLDR 2:
We have made up
We made a “plan” to hopefully work on this
We talked about our feelings about the situation
23 comments
You need hobbies and activities where you can keep busy and work on making friends. Sign yourself up for as much as your schedule will allow.
intense abandonment issues stemming from childhood trauma can’t be fixed in a week or so sadly, you should discuss these issues ur having with ur therapist so u can get help from them to overcome it. otherwise you’ve identified its unhealthy and you can’t continue so you need to be able to talk yourself out of it when you notice yourself going down that road (easier said than done). does he know these issues are deep rooted and what causes u to feel like that etc? its definitely worth talking about
I think you may need to increase the rate of therapy.
Have you recently had trust issues in the relationship?
Have you heard of the term “limerence?” It might be worthwhile bopping over to r/limerence and seeing what folks over there have to say.
In addition to limerance, check out r/anxiousattachment and see if any of that resonates
Hey OP you might have something called Borderline Personality Disorder, I have it too and our symptoms align. I also have childhood trauma and abandonment issues. Especially since you said that your boyfriend has to “walk on egg shells” around you, my ex said the same exact thing to me.
In terms of therapeutic approaches, you might wish to check out Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. It’s been shown to have really good success for people who have childhood attachment trauma and issues like the ones you describe (obsessiveness and feelings of identity being wrapped up in relationships).
Look up attachment theory, you seem to definitely struggle with anxious attachment. You can do some research and learn how to self soothe which will help. Honestly though, any therapist will tell you to simply find someone who is capable of building a secure attachment with you. Please don’t put all the blame on yourself. Part of this is your behavior, sure. It’s not healthy. But also, if a partner isn’t willing to be reassuring or supportive during these times, you’re not with the right person or situation. This long distance thing is putting far too much stress on you, I think.
As others mentioned here, a lot of these approaches will take time to be fruitful and can’t be solved in a week or two. I would suggest telling him that you’re actively trying to accommodate to his needs and improving yourself by telling him in detail about these things (if he’s the type to want to know more) so he won’t be suddenly reconsidering the whole relationship when incidents like this occur again because improvement takes time.
It would be unfair for him to expect you to be suddenly able to change all the behaviour that bothered him when you’ve struggled with this since childhood till now. It’s also likely that the long-distance was a factor in your obsession since you couldn’t meet in person whenever you want to and the feelings are growing stronger as you get more attached to your partner.
And regarding the eggshell comment, I feel that what’s unaddressed here is your expectation on how often the both of you connect online. What I can suggest is being open about your schedule, and letting him initiate more of the voice/video calls (or keep initiating them on the pretext that you don’t mind if he isn’t up for it) and if he doesn’t message you for almost a whole day, you can just text him one message, sth like “Hope your day is going well with (activity/test/project). Missing you” or sth that shows your affection, instead of getting angry/feeling upset about it – what you want is to bond more with your partner instead of pushing them away, after all.
I would also suggest joining the long-distance/ldr reddit thread to see if there are people with similar issues like yours in their ldr. Even if there weren’t, you might be able to find friends who can sympathise with the general struggles of having a ldr and make you feel less alone.
I used to be like you. Emotionally unstable, depressed, self loathing, insecure. All these stuff contributes to me being an unreasonable and emotional person.
Keep going to therapy, find a hobby, take time for yourself, give yourself attention and love yourself. Its very important you work on yourself emotionally with your therapist.
>I also have no one else in my life that I can go to with my life’s problems (that actually listen and don’t just say “oh, that sucks. Well, anyways…”) aside from a therapist.
If your problems are above their competence, or if they can’t provide a solution, then most people won’t know what else to say in response or will only be able to express sympathy. If they really don’t care about _anything_ that concerns you, then yeah, they aren’t reliable people. What has your therapist advised you to do in this case?
You need to talk to your therapist and tell them everything you said here. Preferably show them the post directly. They’ll be able to give you better and more useful guidance. You may get advice like “find hobbies”, “find friends”, “think about something else” here (which is good advice!), but that’s just alleviating a symptom rather than addressing the cause.
I used to be like you. Getting hobbies, working with the therapist, really taking time to think about when he says no.
Play videogames. Replace one obsession with another. Or you know, do the hard work of self-improvement.
I think meditation is great for developing a inner calm, so that you can feel enough with just being with yourself. Check out different breathing techniques, and try to notice the feelings/emotions/sensations/thoughts you have when you are in a obsessive state and then instead of textning and such, Breathe. Do it for a few breaths, to calm down, maybe even 5-10 min of breathing.
1. This is definitely work cut out for a therapist to help you with.
2. luckily for you, the fact that you’ve already identified the issue and seem resolved to improve it is legitimately a large chunk of the battle
Sounds like borderline.
I think long distance makes these feelings worse to some degree. Has any part of your relationship not been long distance, and do you have a plan to close the distance? It’s good that you’re wanting to work on these problems now, but it’s difficult for some people to feel like they get adequate attention from their LDR partner.
What you are talking about is why many LDRs don’t work. Some of us need more in person time. Just talking and texting is not enough for our emotional needs. It doesn’t make you bad or needy or any other negative thing, it just means you need different things to have your emotional needs met and that is ok.
I think you need to start to build a life without your boyfriend. Volunteer. Join in person activities. Join a walking group or book club. Get into some regular things that you do once or twice a week that are not boyfriend related.
Try canning! It’s a useful hobby tha5 takes on average about 2-3 hours per batch. And then at the end you have some beautiful homemade preserves or salsa or whatever you want to make
I would suggest a visit to a psychiatrist to speak about the possibility of BPD and other disorders that are similar. If you trust your therapist, run it by them and see what they think. But I’m honestly surprised they haven’t recommended it given your level of distress.
Honestly long distance is very difficult and even more so when there is no end in sight. What is your plan here? How often do you see each other in person? It doesn’t seem like you are feeling secure in your relationship and going a whole day of just no communication can be difficult.