Husband (40) and (38) I have been married for 15 years, together for over 20. I’ve had major depressive disorder since my teens. I’ve built some pretty thick walls around myself over the years — don’t like to open up whether it’s to my husband, therapists, etc. Anyway, I was having a series of really bad days with some acute suicidal ideation. It got to the point where I thought I might need to go to the hospital – so I tried to bring it up with my husband who erupted at me and went on this long tirade about how poorly I treat him. So he’s screaming at me while I’m trying to tell him I am not safe to myself. It took a lot to open up to him about this. I actually almost threw up from the anxiety. He did something similar a few weeks before that where we got into an argument, I said something about how I hated that we were fighting on vacation and he threw back at me “yeah I know you hate me because of XYZ” with XYZ being some things I’d opened up to him about how I felt like my life lacked meaning, basically. Again, it took a lot for me to talk about this with him and I was so, so careful to talk about how none of these feelings were because of him because I assumed he’d internalize what I was saying as me being angry.
Our marriage has been far from perfect. I’m far from perfect. I think he has a lot of resentment built up towards me. Some of it is legitimate, but I think some of it stems from how poorly his very angry mom treated him while he was growing up. He is so fragile – I can be super cheerful and agreeable or very, very depressed but anything in-between gets me in trouble for my “tone.” And sometimes I do have a “tone” but a lot of the time, I think I’m having a normal conversation about, say, which bank we should go to while on vacation overseas. (Actual blow up on his part.) So I just…don’t talk to him much about things because he will probably interpret whatever I’m saying as me being angry. And when I do – the above happens. Meanwhile in his head, it’s his job to make sure I’m happy and he’s always obsessing over what’s wrong with me, what I’m feeling. I’ve told him over and over again that I don’t want this co-dependent hell that he’s built for himself but he thinks making me happy as the center of his world is normal and doesn’t seem to understand that how he reacts to me changes how I react in turn to him?
We’ve done marriage therapy in the past. He took away from that experience that he should or shouldn’t do XYZ or otherwise I’ll be angry. He’s suggested it again sort of recently. I wish he’d get individual therapy but he shuts down whenever I suggest anything so idk.
I just feel so empty when I look at him these days. I’m also very depressed. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe I am this abusive monster that he makes me out to be — otherwise why would he be so co-dependent on me? On the other hand, our fights often devolve into him yelling at me to stop yelling at him when I am not yelling at him so I don’t think it’s all me. Although maybe it is. Does anyone come back from this? I feel so trapped sometimes.
1 comment
I would prioritize your health first and your marriage second. If you are having active suicidal ideation then what does it matter if you did get your marriage to work? It is the whole put on your oxygen mask before you put on someone else’s.
To answer you question, yes people can come back from this. There was a point in my life where I did not prioritize my needs and that made me really depressed and I was overwhelmed with responsibility. You are not responsible for his emotional state and vice versa. You need to set some clear boundaries with him and not let his emotional state dictate how you feel and again vice versa. It may help to do this with a therapist but honestly you need to dig yourself out of your own hole first and then work on the relationship after that.