I have been dating a really nice man. He treats me well but I’m not sexually attracted to him. I’m trying my best not be a shallow person. I can tell he’s highly attracted to me, but it’s hard for me to think the same for him. I feel very stuck because he is really a great person. We’ve held off on having sex and I don’t spend the night as his house because I genuinely wanted to get to know him. But, I just don’t find him sexually alluring? How should I handle this? I feel so stuck. I do think his face is handsome, but he eats out every night, doesn’t ever cook, and hardly works out. Which isn’t a problem but I feel like if I helped him make some changes, then I would be more attracted to him (example, helped him build some muscle and change up his style a little bit) But that feels so wrong for me to do. I don’t know what to do.
44 comments
No.
Post over.
No, I would not.
Someone I get along with but don’t find sexually attractive is a friend.
Uhhh hell no. Let that man go … especially since you don’t like who he IS (you have a list of shit he needs to change).
Would you want to be with a man you were really into but he wasn’t attracted to you at all?
Answer to title: Story of my life.
Didn’t read the post.
You’re not a bad person for not being attracted to him. You can’t force attraction.
That being said, you need to stop dating this man. You tried going out with him, and attraction has not been built. If you keep going, you’re only wasting time for him, and you
>t I feel like if I helped him make some changes,
NO! DON’T!
Look, it’s not ok to try and change others for your own benefit. If he asks for help to change, then it’s OK, but unsolicited advice is the worst kind of advice.
Just break it off now. If he asks why, then I say, be honest.
Yes I would. Yes I have, and I’ve fallen in love with people who I didn’t initially find attractive. It grows over time and physical attraction can be attained, similarly to how we can lose physical attraction to those we dislike based on behavior.
Nope. I need sexual and emotional attraction. People tend to get better or worse looking after I get to know them, but there should be at the very least a base attraction.
Nope. Those people are friends.
No. What would be the point?
No
He’s not a house you need to fix up in order to live in. If you find yourself thinking he’s a ‘project’ to work on you need to move along. It’s not right, nor fair for him. He is who he is and if you’re not compatible or attracted that’s okay, but let him find someone who is.
No.
I won’t be going down that road again, it is only a guaranteed waste of everyone’s time.
>I feel like if I helped him make some changes, then I would be more attracted to him
Did you talk to him about this? You could also try to incorporate these things into a date, like going to a cooking class.
I have once. Never again though.
You should stop wasting his time. He deserves better.
No
Yeah no, I can’t do it. I mean call me shallow or whatever, but I’m keeping it 100 lmfao. There is no way that I can date/be in a relationship with a guy that I’m not (sexually) attracted to. I need to have genuine rapport, sexual attraction/physical attraction. That’s just a given
Being sexual compatibility is one of the biggest dealbreakers when it comes to longterm relationships… you BOTH deserve to be loved and wanted by your partner. Would you be ok with a partner not being attracted to you but sticks around because you are “nice enough to them”???
Take them as the are, not as your personal “fixer up project” . Once again, turn the table around: how would that make you feel if he talked about you like that!??.
It’s probably not likely to end well if you continue dating him. I wouldn’t count on someone changing for you, and even if he did, he could grow to resent you long-term for wanting to change him (ask me how I know).
There’s always the possibility you could *develop* an attraction to him, but it depends on how much you want to bank on that happening. You also don’t want to lead the guy on if you’re not into him.
I recommend to settle while you have a chance. Because there is a great scarcity of people. Don’t believe liars saying there are billions of people, no there aren’t.
Please please please don’t try to “fix” him. Someone will be attracted to him exactly as he is and you should free him to find her.
No, I’m not demisexual.
Stop torturing the poor guy and leading him on. Imagine how awful he will feel if he finds out you’re not attracted to him and have been using him the whole time. That’s one of a mans worst nightmares.
Stop torturing the poor guy and leading him on. Imagine how awful he will feel if he finds out you’re not attracted to him and have been using him the whole time. That’s one of a mans worst nightmares.
No, not if I am not physically or sexually attracted to them at all, like if I can’t even give it a chance. I’ll give someone I normally wouldn’t be into a chance if we connect and she has a good personality, but if I’m not able to get passed her physical appearance, I won’t just because neither of us will be happy.
That being said, it never hurts to have a talk with someone you’re dating if there’s something fixable that bothers you. If you were to share with him your feelings, he may very well be willing to fix it once he realizes it’s a problem. In fact, he would probably appreciate that rather than just being given up on, but that is ultimately up to you and what you are comfortable with.
Friend zone all day this one
I did and it didn’t workout. Sooner or later this is going to be a huge problem in the relationship:/
It’s not about being shallow, sexual attraction and romantic feelings are important. It’s part of what divides friends and lovers. If the role was reversed and someone asked me “I would like this girl if she lost some weight and stopped eating takeout”- you would know the answer. Its toxic to try to change people to suit you sexually. You will find someone you are attracted to and is also a good person. My advice is to wait for that person.
Starting a relationship with someone hoping them to change is a recipe for disaster
No
Try to go on walks or go to the gym. If he doesn’t want to do that, he doesn’t want to improve. Thus, you should help him. But he should also give a little if you are giving a lot.
For practice maybe or on a blind date or something, but not long-term, no. Find someone who’s right for you. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Info: how long have you been dating?
So I kind was in the same place as I am dating this guy and at first I had a really hard time as he physically wasn’t my usual type but he is the greatest guy I have ever dated and he is a good looking guy overall so I just spent more time with him and got to know each other in every way and it helped me became extremely attracted to his personality which started to transfer over into the bedroom, my attraction to him physically has increased and we gotten a lot better and feel tons of physical attraction and chemistry with him now and it’s been growing. I think if you don’t think or see any progress in it changing then I would cut it off.
Don’t settle otherwise you’ll end up resenting him or never feel fulfilled
Imma be honest right now. If you want to change him you dont like him at all or love him. If you did youd accept the way he is and im not saying those habits that you want to instill arent good but he needs to do it himself not you. He’s a grown man just like every man has to cook and workout. The style thing is a personal preference as long as it looks clean thats what matters. This is coming from a male btw
I can’t. As a man, I did that. It makes me feel bad about myself.
youre just gonna hurt this guy. leave, sooner rather than later.
I think you’re in love with what he potentially could be, not with what he is. It’s not your place to try to change him though. Let him go!
I wouldn’t. I would want my partner to find me sexually attractive and I want the same for myself
No. That being said, OP is a shallow person
This does make you a horrible person.
You are attracted the attention and care he gives you, that the guys you are actually attracted to won’t give you.
You can either fully invest, or be like every other girl these days and take what you want, while providing nothing.
Looks like that man needs some help and focus, cut him loose, go chase Chad or Tyrone that just got out for dealing, get knocked up and do the single mother thing.
Because stringing poor dude along isn’t doing you or him any favors
I would at least do a first date. But I’m 110% assessing the chick physically, and hopefully she doesn’t come wearing like a tunic or whatever. Got to be real subtle about the checking out though, cause the ladies are skittish creatures, until they get comfortable around a guy.
When I first met my husband I did not find him attractive whatsoever not one bit my ex best friend even said I can turn around and go home but I said no that’s okay I’ll talk to him I didn’t want to be too mean because he was very nice and respectful to me, well almost 15 years this August we will be married and 3 kids later.
Don’t try and change him it won’t work in the long run, maybe help him for the better if you continue the relationship he’s probably like that right now because he’s use to being by himself.