My girlfriend and myself have been together for about 5 years, we’ve been talking about marriage for about 1 year now and when we first brought it up we discussed things that may make us hesitate in committing on that level to each other: one hang up I had was that it felt like when I expressed any kind of emotion that caused her to feel shame, that my emotions were characterized as unreasonable or dismissed quickly with no changes to the behavior causing it. There was some disagreement and a bit of an escalation into an argument but we walked away from it feeling positive and feeling heard.
Now, it’s been a year and I’ve checked in on this issue multiple times and each time it’s pretty much an absolute meltdown when we talk about it. It’s a lot of “well I do what you ask and it doesn’t work” or “You just want me to agree with you and not disagree” or “I apologize and tell you that I’m not trying to hurt you.” I’ve discussed her perspective on these things, that it feels like she is quick to justify some behavior as not actually being a big deal and that it feels dismissive and I feel unheard in those moments, and there isn’t a lot of understanding from her, and it seems like she really struggles to hear what I’m saying – we end up going around and around about things, even when I try to address her concerns.
I’ve done a lot of reflecting and I’m trying to understand what I’m doing wrong in communicating here. When I ask her, she just says she feels like she can’t disagree, so I validate that and ask what she needs from me to feel that she’s heard and understood; offer some suggestions on what I think might help; acknowledge and validate that she sometimes responds to things in a very effective and helpful way; etc. She ends up jumping to another subject. It’s probably fair to mention that a few years ago, she was diagnosed with BPD and has done therapy and these seem to be little areas where she struggles to overcome the impulses and I empathize with that. I’m just not sure what to do at this point because it really feels like there is no progress, and the irony is that it’s such a precarious subject that it’s nearly impossible to bring up in a progressive way and it’s really causing me to have second thoughts about marriage.
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**tl;dr**: When I have an issue or feel hurt or don’t like something my partner is doing, any discussion or voicing of that is regularly dismissed and causes my partner to become agitated. We’ve discussed it and are working on it. When I check in on it and express that I still feel like it’s an active, serious issue for me, we fight about it and things get worse. I’m not sure what I can do to fix this issue, and things are made more difficult because of her diagnosed BPD. Should I just get a therapist for myself to find some peace about it? Are there better ways to approach it? Should I write things down? Should I accept that things won’t get better because this is just a legitimate incompatibility? We both seem to want to work this out but I am getting discouraged by the lack of progress in this area.
6 comments
I think she’s wrong on this part. If you feel dismissed you need to tell her to let you take all your feelings out first before she says anything. I’m sure you hear her out so bring that up too. Tell her your feelings are valid even if she doesn’t agree with those feelings. Don’t accept anything, never settle for less trust me. If you feel you’re speaking to a brick wall then it’s best to leave before making a huge step. I try to not give up and communicate in my relationship and it always works for me but if you feel there’s no progress you need to tell her and ask her if she’s willing to help and if not then why are you there.
Have you considered talking to a professional about this issue? If you two are both committed to this relationship, letting this continue festering is a non-starter. You should get a third party involved to help you learn to communicate effectively with one another.
The longer you leave it, the worse it’ll get.
That said, this also reads VERY classic BPD so if she is being treated, it may be worth HER mentioning to her OWN care team. Because it will take work to get to a place where you’re able to navigate this hurdle and you probably need assistance getting there.
If she is unwilling to address this as an issue that requires dedication and work from both of you, that to me would be a signal of a complete incompatibility.
In my experience in situations that are sensitive where you’re communicating something you don’t like, approve of, or would like to see improvement your tone and word choice is such an important part of not creating a defensive reaction. Don’t take me wrong, I’m not saying that you’re causing this. I’m just saying that effective communication is very hard in general, not to mention when you include emotions into the mix. Without being there and knowing the specific scenarios that you’re referencing it’s very hard to give you feedback that would be aligned to your specific needs. That said, it seems like you’re both invested and committed to having a harmonious relationship. If I were in your shoes I’d enlist the help of an unbiased third-party professional and invest more to help you both get on the same page. An experienced and professional relationship therapist should be able to listen, analyze, and provide alternative view points that will help you both understand each other better. I don’t know many people that are pros when it comes to relationships. They are hard work to do them right. Having someone to help you both might be what gets you through this patch to greener pasture. That’s my two cents. Regardless of what you decide I hope that things work out how you want and that you both are happy in the long run.
It sounds like some of the conflict is coming out of
– her not being comfortable with you having/expressing negative emotions (possibly from automatically internalizing your feelings as blame or criticism of her)
and/or
– her thinking that you two having different feelings is not ok or not comfortable and needs to be immediately resolved, resulting in her either dismissing your feelings or repressing her own
It also sounds like you are not getting the empathy you need here because she is jumping to rationalizing your feelings rather than accepting them *even though she may not agree with your reasons behind them*.
You don’t need to have the same opinions or interpretations of a situation or conflict to empathize with each other as each other’s partners.
You do not need to sacrifice your point of view or your feelings in order to say some version of, “I can see that you’re hurt and I’m here to listen to you and understand what you’re feeling.”
If you haven’t already, I would start researching how to best support and communicated with a partner who has BPD. I did this with my partner who has bipolar and it made the biggest difference in our relationship, along with practicing nonviolent communication.
I knew BPD was going to be involved before you even mentioned it. My experience with my BPD ex-wife, spot-on with what you’re experiencing. Despite therapy she never got better, just worse. By the end *any* negative emotion on my part was turned around to be my fault and me that was the problem. Zero and I mean ZERO chance I would recommend marriage here. BPD is a lifelong struggle not just something that goes away.
If your partner is unwilling to help meet your needs and work on issues in the relationship.
What is left for you to do?
If there’s breakdowns every time you try and address an issue. There’s no way for things to get better.