What do you wish that you hadn’t found out?

28 comments

  1. At least one person believes all women should be forced to have and raise children starting from 15, until those children are adults.

  2. that most men are quite garbage. when i was kid, i had so many male friends. they were all so sweet and i loved them so much. i had always championed men to be better than people make them out to be.

    unfortunately my experience as an adult wasnt the same. i dont know what happens to men in their formative years to make so many of them so horrible. there’s of course still many good ones, but most arent. its so sad and it makes me not want to make male friends anymore

  3. (TW) I am a 40+F. I wish I never knew that my parents were aware of me being sexually abused as a child much earlier than when I told them. Thinking that they weren’t aware, I disclosed to them when I was 22 years old, with the help of a psychiatrist.

    It was not until about four years ago that it was revealed that my parents were made aware when I was 15. I had confided in my sister, who wasn’t an adult either, and she told my mom.

    By the time I was 15, all of the trauma of the sexual abuse had set in: anxiety, isolation, OCD, PTSD, fear of having caught an STD, etc. So the fact that my parents didn’t do more to get me help much sooner was hurtful and shocking.

    The perpetrator was a relative and what was said to me four years ago was that after seeking out some initial professional feedback, my mother was told to consider the impact on the family.

    My mom also said to me: “It would have killed Aunt *****”. I never said this to her, but I thought to myself: “So you killed me instead?”.

    I had a doctor’s appointment a few days after this shocking reveal for a separate issue. I told my doctor that I needed to switch gears, because I wasn’t doing well mentally.

    My doctor was so concerned and asked me if I was suicidal and I never responded to her. She ended up looping my psychiatrist in and they put me on some anxiety meds for the short term, because I was in such a state.

    All that to say, the impact of what happened in my childhood continued to have a significant impact on me, even prior to the shocking reveal four years ago. I’ve never been on a date, no sex, don’t have friends where I live. I’m pretty much a shy introvert.

    So to have the added burden now of forever knowing that my parents were aware much earlier and did not press further to get me help feels like it has ruined my life. All that I ever really knew was flipped on its head.

    My mother tells me that she tried to reach out to me twice when she initially found out, but I ran away from her. So she thought that if she couldn’t get through to me, what chance would others have if she reported it/sought professional help. I did counter that psychologists, etc., were skilled professionals, so they would have more of a clue of dealing with it.

    I don’t remember my mom ever coming to me, maybe she did. But until the day that I die, I don’t believe that she was explicit in her wording if she did approach me. I was so petrified that I had caught an STD, that I would have welcomed someone helping me. I had already expressed the STD concern when I told my sister when I was 15.

    It wasn’t until I was away in university and a counsellor urged me to go to health services and get tested that I finally got some relief with a negative STD test. Fear of STDs is definitely a key in why I have avoided dating completely.

    What makes this so complex is that other than this one huge blunder, my parents have been the most loving, supportive and caring parents. They paid for my boarding school and university education, etc., when I know many students go into huge debt for decades trying to pay for college. My parents still often go over and beyond for me too, so I’m grateful for that.

    Had they been completely horrible parents in every single way, I probably would have just cut ties completely.

    But what is another key factor, is that I live with my parents. It’s the nature of my country that one lives with family until they are doing very well financially or they get married. The cost of living here is one of the highest in the world. Even the rents are so expensive here, because most landlords don’t want the hassle of longterm tenants. So the more recent trend is using properties as vacation rentals and there is even more of a shortage of affordable places to rent.

    Another complicating factor is my Dad’s behaviour. My mom and I both agree that the combo of: retirement, alcoholism, domineering personality, possible early dementia, recent grief over his sibling’s death, etc. makes him difficult to be around. My mom is resigned to it after decades of marriage. But for me it’s becoming untenable. It’s also a less than great example if I’m trying to give dating a chance for the first time.

    But I feel like I have no other options and I am stuck living with that, while still trying to pick up the pieces of the childhood trauma and make something of my life.

    Motherhood isn’t for me, so I’m at peace with not doing that. I’ve never had the desire. Nothing is guaranteed about life, but more than likely I will outlive my parents. So it would be nice to meet a decent man to share life with. But I’m not sure that’s even possible at this point, having still never gone on a date.

    Even with regular therapy and medication, I’m not sure if I will ever get over things. Prior to four years ago, I was making progress, but things seem rather bleak at this point.

  4. I sometimes wish I hadn’t found out my ex was blossoming a new relationship with another. It caused me to break it off and try to move on. Then I find it was happening for the entire 10 Years we spent together and that really pushed me into a bad place. Now I have trust issues and question if I should even try to move on and find another.. I am glad it did find out in ways but I also wish I hadn’t because I was truly in love and now I’m a complete wreck. The things we find out that can’t be unfound often are very harmful to our souls and hard to move past….

  5. My parents went through a horrible divorce. My mom tired almost anything to prove to the courts my father wasn’t a “good” parent. My sister years later told me at the age of 13, our mom made her do a vaginal/rape examine. My mom knew our father would never do that to us and had the upmost protective love for us. But still she forced my sister to go through this just to have papers for court. When I found this out I was repulsed and disgusted our mom would go that far just off of pure revenge.

  6. That my cervix is positioned really far to one side. My doctor dropped it in really casually in the middle of an exam once (“oh wow, did you know you cervix is really far to your left?”, “Er no? Is that…bad??”, “No, no, just interesting”).

    I think it’s fairly common but knowing about it makes me feel weird. Like when I’m having sex it sometimes crosses my mind and I feel really uncomfortable knowing that it’s so asymmetrical in there. I don’t like knowing that items are having to go in and out at an angle. I could have lived quite happily without ever having that information (although it does explain why certain angles hurt, why they always struggle to find it in pelvic exams and why menstrual cups never worked for me).

  7. I wish I wouldn’t have found out about my heart health. Now I feel like an irresponsible ass when I purposefully do enjoyable things like drink cream or puff on hookah literally once.

  8. I recently learned about female genital mutilation. I just always assumed they remove the clitoris since that’s the pleasure center for women, but it’s so, so much worse. Just the thought makes me sick and disgusted.

  9. That periods are not just something women who have had children get. (Thought this until I was about 8) My mom got one, I didn’t, so I figured it was some kind of unfortunate bleeding disorder.

  13. Many things that my father revealed about his relationship with my mother. Yes I’m an adult, no I don’t need to know the issues you have with each other.

  14. I was in a pretty toxic living situation with a roommate who I just didn’t mesh with. We started as friends and originally there were four of us in the house, but two moved out and the pandemic put a lot of extra stress on an already tense situation. (I have since moved out.)

    I eventually found out that she was trashing me to anyone who would listen. I already suspected she was venting to her own friends about me, which didn’t really bother me since I didn’t know them, but what really hurt was when I found out she’d been going to all our mutual friends too. Many of them had distanced themselves from me by that point, and now I’m self conscious and ashamed around the ones that didn’t because I have no way of knowing what she told them or how much they believed. I genuinely wish I hadn’t found out so I could just blame the lost friends on the pandemic and move on.

  15. Why chainsaws were invented. Childbirth. Two male doctors invented the chainsaw to “speed up” removing women’s pelvic bones during childbirth.

  16. I was staying in my brother’s guest room and I woke up to the sound of him fucking his girlfriend. God just writing that out makes me sick to my stomach. UGHGHGHGGH it’s the only thing in my life I need the Men in Black memory wiper thing. Horrific. I almost threw up in the moment. I can’t even bring myself to write the words I heard him say.

  19. That bed bugs exist. I’ve never actually had to personally deal with them, but what in the hell allowed those to be a thing.

  20. After we broke up, I found out my ex had an account just to follow “Instagram thots” (that’s what he called them). Accounts dedicated to posting provocative pictures — basically soft porn.

    Having experienced SA and just the general objectification most women experience growing up, I still struggle with not feeling disgusted that I got involved with someone like that. He KNEW that behavior was something I wasn’t okay with. But he wasn’t the most honest person and that wasn’t the only thing he omitted so I know I can’t blame myself too much. It really sucks to be honey potted 😛

  25. That the harmful chemicals in non-stick pans are already in the blood stream/DNA of, like, 95% of us. In part because, whenever regulatory bodies ban chemical composition X because it’s harmful, the industry just comes up with composition Y to replace it.

  26. That missed miscarriages are a thing. I can’t stop worrying now.

  27. That post partum depression is affecting women. After a woman having a baby she’s going through sadness and despair and thoughts of suicide. Being a mother can be a blessing but it can be a struggle because of mental health.

  28. That a good friend had been lying through their teeth over a lot of things. And damn it hurt. I would have rather not known.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like