[Throwaway account] I (21F) have been seeing this guy (25M) for a little over a month now, and it’s been going pretty well. We’re taking things pretty slow and casual, “homies who like to cuddle” is what we call it lol, but we are exclusive. I really like his personality, but our lifestyles are where we differ. I’m very introverted and a homebody, whereas he likes to go out and party every weekend. I don’t have a problem with this and could honestly care less about what he’s doing when I’m not around.
Today is when that changed tho… there was a house party at 8 that he was planning on going to with some of our coworker. I wasn’t invited, but still wanted to see him on my day off, so we scheduled to have dinner together around 5. When I texted him around 4:30 asking if we were still on, he said he was “too tired”, his “social battery is at 0%”, and he “didn’t even wanna go out at all tonight”. He asked for a rain check and I said sure, no big deal. But I had this nagging feeling that even tho he said he didn’t wanna hang out with me, he’d still roll up to the party. I check his location at 8:30 and guess what? He’s there.
This really upset me because I feel like I’ve been disrespected. He didn’t need to lie and pretend like he wasn’t gonna go out when he did. I honestly would’ve been fine if he just told me something like “hey I wanna take a nap before the party tonight, can we reschedule dinner?”. It might’ve hurt my feelings, but at least I wouldn’t feel like he’s being intentionally deceitful. And of course it starts me on a downward spiral of thoughts: Why did he feel the need to lie? Is he going out with another girl? Is he getting sick of me already? Or is he just immature and emotionally unavailable to the point that he’d rather be deceptive than communicative? I just don’t see the point in him lying to me.
I’m also sure that he doesn’t think I know where the party is, but I’m not stupid and I do talk to our coworkers, so I know exactly where he’s at. I work with him tomorrow and I’m curious to find out whether he’s gonna lie about what he was doing to my face or not. But in any case, I unfortunately think I’ll have to step back from talking to him if we can’t be mature and communicate like adults.
Am I overreacting? Am I getting triggered for no reason? I need some input here.
4 comments
You’re not his first priority.
If you were, he’d go to the dinner or rain check it for the next night if he couldn’t extend himself that far
Hi
It depends on wether he lied to you or not. Maybe his first intention was to avoid going to the party but fun drunk colleague called and convinced the man to go. “I’ll get you a free beer if you come” “when was last time ____ happened” etc.
If he did lie, he should learn, not for you but for himself, to communicate his needs without being afraid of hurting others or himself.
You could also make the relationship more casual or search for a better partner/dump him if he regularly lies to you
I think you’re right to be startled but I have to say; if it’s in my knowledge that my partner checked my location to be sure that I’m doing what I’m supposed to, it’s an immediate reddest flag. ‘Don’t control my movement, convince me that it’s safe enough for me to only tell you the truth’
No you are NOT getting triggered!? REALLY! What you are doing is something I would have done. ( not saying much) ANYWAYS .So first things first why would u ask him if u were still on? 2nd HELLO EXCLUSIVE??? Um if u were exclusive u would have been there with him honey. It would mean ur his girl he is ur man.
So if ur exclusive y track his location?? U don’t need to know if ur just”homies”, not exclusive.
Ok sweetie pie”” I’m not the jealous type”””
All women and men are. They say they’re not because they think in their own minds (I’m not jealous). DONT DATE COWORKERS! It’s like a marriage,u see each other often and communicate as much as needed then ;wham bam ty ma’am. So it’s OVER
I don’t think it is a problem if you have different lifestyles. I think it is good to allow each other freedom. But there should be some mindfulness around certain things.
– Always be respectful and honest towards each other. In this case, there hasn’t been correct or open communication about whether he went out to party after bailing on you. Also, I can imagine you planned your day and schedule to meet him at five, so it isn’t really respectful of him to cancel on you that late.
– There should be a balance between time spent with your bf/gf and partying. If he plans parties in his weekly schedule, he also has to plan time with you and ask you about your availabilities.
– Maybe you could join him on a party now and then if he’s open to it. It’s not a necessity if you don’t want to, but I know I personally would like that. Just to have fun and genuinely show interest in his world.
But before all this, there should be honest communication and commitment. Try to stop this thinking spiral because that stems from lacking information. You might come too hard at him for no reason. Try to gather the correct information from him through a conversation when you’ve calmed down. Everybody makes mistakes, it is up to him now to own up to them, and talk you through how he will be doing better or different next time. And then of course, he has to take action. Words alone mean nothing.
Try not to freak out, try to focus on the facts, remember why you love him and have an honest conversation. You can tell him how you feel and how this triggered you, but only when you are back on your feet and being reasonable.
Afterwards, it is your decision what you do, based on your conversation with him.
Best of luck, communication is key!