How do you stop comparing them? Comparing moments, kissing, intimacy? How do you stop letting the good of a past relationship over cloud the potential in a new one?

Time?

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  2. >How do you stop comparing them? Comparing moments, kissing, intimacy? How do you stop letting the good of a past relationship over cloud the potential in a new one?

    I don’t do any of those things. Exes are exes. It’s over and done. I don’t compare my current partner to exes because my exes are entirely irrelevant to my life and to my relationship with my partner.

    If I found myself thinking about my ex like that while with a new partner, I would probably take a step back from the new relationship as I wouldn’t be in the right mental/emotional space to be in a new relationship yet .

  3. I don’t really do comparisons like that. As a fleeting thought from time to time maybe, but nothing more potent than when you eat a pizza and briefly think of another time you ate pizza.

    I do think about my exes in the sense that I am still friends with most of them and “ah, we’ll hang out on thursday” might be something on my mind.

  4. There’s a lot that goes through your mind both after a breakup and when you enter a new relationship. The easiest and healthiest way I’ve found is to make sure that those times aren’t overlapping. You want to really give your heart the time it needs to heal before you are able to open your heart to a new person.

    I started dating my husband 9 months after my breakup with my ex boyfriend. I never compared them because I had truly moved on from my ex. Not only had my heart healed and I felt ready to meet someone new, but I knew I had learned the lessons I needed to learn from that relationship and the breakup. I felt truly like he was in my past and there was nothing else I could gain or learn from him.

    Give yourself time to heal. Give yourself time for your friendships and your self; read, paint, run, go out, kiss a random person at the bar, go see a live band, dance with your friends, have a movie marathon in your PJs…whatever you need to do to learn the lessons you need to from your past so that you’re able to leave them in your past.

    And don’t text them, unfollow on socials, block their number if you need to. Don’t feel guilty about moving forward without them. They’re in your past now and you’re in theirs. And when you meet the love of your life, trust me, there will be no comparison.

  6. If you’re comparing them too much then it means that you’re not over your past relationship and that you went in another one too early.

    I never once compared my now husband with my ex, except for what was much better.

  7. I focus on everything my current partner does better until my goldfish memory kicks in and I forget everything about my ex

  8. I wish there was a solid answer for this question. I can not stop comparing my dates to my ex and it makes them feel I don’t like them, which is semi correct. I have met one person that I do not compare and of course they are 2000 miles away😪😪😪😪

  9. If you are still actively thinking about someone else while in a relationship, you should just be single. Move on before you get someone emotionally invested in you

  10. I personally will not date another person if I am still thinking about my Ex. The last thing anyone wants is to not be in the moment when holding hands, kissing, having sex, cuddling. I certainly don’t want flashes of that POS when I’m trying to embrace a good man that deserves 100% of my attention.

    ​

    I am lucky enough to have lowkey fallen for a wonderful man that understands this completely and is willing to go very slowly while I heal. He agreed that he would be hurt if he kissed me and that others man’s face popped into my head. Of course it takes time and a very good person to help us forget them completely, but enough to prevent those random flashes of painful memory is important to heal first so you dont force that other person to suffer them.

  11. The first few people I went on dates with I kinda compared to my ex like kiss wise and how they were acting. But I’d just gotten out of an 8.5 year relationship so it’s like I was trying to figure out like okay did my ex and I kiss weirdly or is this guy just a bad kisser (he was just a bad kisser).

    Now the only times I think of my ex are usually when my boyfriend does something and I’m used to it being done a different way. My ex wanted all fat to be cut off from chicken. My boyfriend likes to leave the fat. First time he said that I was like huh okay that’s different then moved on. Or when my period came during the deed and I got anxious he’d not find me attractive anymore but he was totally fine and didn’t care I was like huh okay that’s amazingly different.

    Then of course there are the times were I’m talking to people and I have a story to share that includes my ex. But I’m more thinking of the story itself and not him.

  13. It’s work like fitness is work. Because you’re changing your brain map. It’s a physical change. It takes time. Here are some important pointers:

    1) If you think about your ex, don’t be ashamed of it. You shared great times, of course you’ll think about them. But do be *aware* of it, and…

    2) do something grounding to keep you in the present.

    3) Say their name when talking to them. “How was your day, Brian?”

    ​

    Give feedback on things that you think they could do physically. It’s perfectly acceptable to say things like:

    Actually, could I have some more foreplay?

    Could you kiss my neck?

    Could we do less tongue, please?

    Could you touch my hips lightly? Not that lightly, there you go.

    Could you use less weight when you’re on top? Maybe prop yourself up with your thighs and engage your core? Mhm, yep, it does take effort, that’s exactly what I do when I’m on top of you.

    Slower, and more to the right.

    ​

    If they don’t take feedback well, you can always meta-communicate. Talk about talking (do they need to hear it at a different time instead of right in the moment?). But if they can’t engage in communication about intimacy at all, that’s a tip off that it probably isn’t going to change, and you might need to keep looking.

  14. If still thinking about the ex constantly it’s too soon to move on to dating someone else. If a new person doesn’t help get ex out of your head, it’s too soon or they are not the person for you, break it off.

  15. It’s very natural compare. My ex-husband was sensational in bed, but the negatives in his other behaviors far outweighed that (sensational!) positive and I had to leave. When I dated and eventually slept with my (now ex) boyfriend, I was a little disappointed that he wasn’t quiet as sensational at sex. However, he was great at being attentive and nurturing, etc. No two people are alike. There are positives and negatives to everyone, including ourselves.

    Focus on the now, and eventually decide if the current person is worth pursuing or not.

  16. Unpopular opinion: if you can’t stop thinking about your ex, dump a new partner. You don’t like him enough anyway

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