Im not sure what is wrong with me. Throughout my whole life, I have never made any real true friends. Every person that I had considered as a close friend ends up being toxic and manipulative. I may sound like Im exaggerating but every one of them have done me wrong by either talking shit behind my back, or straight up belittling me in every way possible.
It all started in year 8, when I peaked my academics and athletics. Not to boast but since i had no friends, I just focused on them blindly to waste time and get by. I didnt play games or toys or phones ( didnt get one till I was 16) like other kids cause we weren’t that well off. Anyways, I never expected myself to be good. Eventually, I grew my mentality and I started to try harder, set goals and would actually accomplish them. Again I never had attention or companionship from my parents or family either cause they divorced when I was very little and I live very far from my family members. And those goals were the only things that I would focus just to kill time.
I started to standout in high school through that, people took interest in me and wanted to get to know me but then later on took advantage and pick out all my insecurities and make them public. One went far to spread the rumours of me getting detention cause thats so unusual of me to a group of students in another school. Ikr? Funny thing was we were about 17 years olds. Kinda embarrassing the lengths they went to. Overall, high was toxic.
Now Im in uni. Lonely as ever. Still no good close friends. My mental state is shit. My engineering degree is difficult. I’m struggling to get by each day. The only thing motivating me is to graduate and get a good paying job and help my mothers who single-handedly raised me with so many sacrifices. But its hard when you have to battle these things alone.
Acquaintance I once thought was friends at uni talked shit behind my back because I didn’t share my job opportunity with them, when all they ever contacted me for is answers and notes. One got jealous that I didn’t tell them I had applied to a major well know company and got accepted because they believe they should have gotten it too, when they don’t even try hard enough in studies. The rumours spread so bad people gave me cold stares and ignore me when I try to start a conversation.
I always like to stay humble. I hate to brag. I never tell people anything I do, fails and successes i keep them all silent and celebrate them quietly. But when they find out, people get mad and all of a sudden we are competitors. It’s exhausting and Im tired.
How do you keep friendships ? How do you make friends? How to know that they are good? All i ever want is someone who understands and would go on unplanned adventures, watching sunset and talking about our weeks and shit. Living just feels so draining rn. Not that I would considering ending it, I do not want to leave my mother after all her hard work.
Any advices?
2 comments
It sounds like your friend pool is limited to school. I suggest picking up a hobby or joining some sort of activity where you can meet people. Local running groups, hiking groups, theatre, pottery, something unrelated to the school competition atmosphere where you can get to know people while doing the activity and pick friends from that different group. It’s tough. I’ve attracted more people that didn’t work out as friends than did. I’ve had my reputation at work trashed so I know the feeling of cold stares. I’m sorry that happened to you. You are a good person to care about your mum and being grateful for what she did for you.
I won’t give you advice on where to find them since the first comment covers it pretty well. But for knowing if they’re good ones? You gotta open up and so do they. Like actually, not just surface details. Tell them about your life, your little hidden quirks, intimate details about you. These genuine relationships are made with risks; if you see they’re reciprocating then dive deeper. For those that aren’t they might not be ready yet or just want to keep the relationship where it’s currently at.
I’m not saying just dump all of it on the next person but if you’re looking for those real bonds you’re gonna have to be vulnerable with them at some point.