I’ve met up with a woman from a dating app a few times now. We connect really well and have the best conversations. I’m feeling attracted to her and keen to get to know her more to explore the connection.
But I wasn’t sure if we met up for dates or not. As it turns out, she didn’t consider them to be dates. She considered them to be opportunities to get to know each other better as friends. Despite this, she’s also been upfront about how she thinks we have a great connection and wants to build it and get to know each other more.
She’s explained that she would like to go on a date, in time, but that she’d like to get to know each other on a friendly basis first, as she sees friendship and solid connection as the basis for great romance and more. She said she likes to go with the flow, slowly. She’s also said she’d like to build a friendship and keep in mind the potential for there to be more.
I’m a bit thrown. On the one hand, I don’t mind taking it slow. Lord knows I need to with my dating history. There’s something wonderful in really getting to know someone.
On the other hand, I can’t help but feel it may be her way of saying she’s not attracted to me, or seeing me only as a friend. Or perhaps even a sign of avoidance and a wishy-washy attitude to dating.
My fear is hanging out together, developing feelings only to find out she’s not interested in me. Or that she never was.
I like her, and would happily be her friend if that’s all she wanted. But it’s the ‘with the potential for more, in time’ which is making me confused.
TL;dr: is it genuine for her to be looking to be friends before anything more? Or is it a nice way to try and let me down or say there’s no attraction? Does anyone else use this method? What does it mean for you?
2 comments
Ehh the fact that she didn’t see them as dates says to me you’re wasting your time. Just enjoy the friendship, or if that’s too much, cut off contact saying this isn’t what you were looking for.
I’ve done what you’ve described when I genuinely liked someone initially and didn’t wanna ruin it with sex or moving too quickly. Also, bc I liked them so much I really wanted to get to know them. And partly bc of past mistakes, jumping in too quickly, getting my hopes up, being deceived, and getting used and hurt. So genuine interest, self-protection, and being sensible.
Hopefully, it’s those types of things. I think you have a couple ways to figure that out. How are your conversations? What does she talk about? Does she ask you questions about yourself, and does she seem curious about you? Where do you meet and what do you do? Who pays?
If she wasn’t interested at all, she very likely would not be continuing to see you. We know right away if we are attracted to a guy. A sign she sees you strictly as a friend is that she vents to you, or emotionally dumps, or isn’t curious about you, or considerate of your time or life or opinions and such. But this seems unlikely unless she was very emotionally, um, complicated. Because why waste her own time repeatedly meeting a random new guy friend who she isn’t sexually attracted to or into, simply to use as an emotional support?
When we don’t like a guy, and we are decent human beings, we don’t lead them on, not only to be kind and not hurt them, but (due to safety) also bc as women we know that can result in (however rare) stalker situations.
Considering those things, from a female perspective, she could actually be a really great person, one who may like you for real, who is simply acting with healthy logic and maturity. The not labeling it as a date could seem weird, and it might be. But that, too, could be a protective thing on her part. Dates often mean sexual expectations from dishonest men. Or create pressure, or we pressure ourselves. If you like her, consider that.
But maybe try to sus out her past by casually asking about her previous relationships and experiences as conversations allow, or if you can frame it in a way that’s more curious than hurt or suspicious. Also what her goals for dating are, and if she’s seeing or meeting other “friends.” Those are fair questions. Women and men both do this: keep people around while they figure out if another option is going to work. Not that you should assume that, but it’s healthy and fair to ask questions to figure out more about her motivations. Cautiousness in dating based on trauma is very different from someone keeping you at arms length bc they are playing the field. Don’t assume anything but, again, ask some questions and try to notice small remarks that may inadvertently provide more context. An off handed remark on her part, or one out of nervousness, could be really telling.