I opened myself up emotionally and now I feel like I committed social suicide.

40 comments

1. [removed]

2. No, you didn’t commit social suicide. Seems like you were just not emotionally ready for this hangout. They asked you about it and seem you expected/needed something else than what they actually delivered. Thing is you cannot control what others do. So you should be ready for anything. And with ready I mean that it shouldn’t affect you this much. So yeah, time for you to work on that.

3. It sounds like you were dealing with a lot of stress and emotions, which would of course make it more difficult to enjoy an evening like this. It’s natural.

   Remember tho that your guests are also just human… they’ll understand that you can’t always be at your best. But I also think a lot of this might just be in your head and they didn’t see it the same way.

   Either way in your mind situations like these will always be biased if you’re already coming from a negative state of mind.

   If you really trust these people, you could try straight up telling them exactly how you felt that evening. I found that being honest helps a lot, which ofc means being vulnerable. If they react toxic to it, you know they’re not worth your time however.

4. Nobody knows what X, Y and Z are really thinking.
   But to me, it sounds that they were expecting a “no-thinking” games night and it turned out more serious than they thought, shocking/paralyzing them. Kind of what happened to you too!

   And you still want to hang out with them, right?
   Well, depending on their personality they might want to hang out again too. If they don’t for any reason, don’t flagellate yourself please, things will get easier to deal with overtime, and so far you’ve even been able to plan the game night and try to get to know them, that’s awesome, I’m telling ya!

   So don’t think of the worst case scenario, pick yourself up and as hard as it sounds call them and schedule a specific day to hang out again!
   Don’t let the days pass on by or it will get harder to pick up the phone! (Personal experience haha)

   Sending your way hugs and strength, you’ve got this pal!

   P.D: Would it be easier if you don’t invite Z next time? Sounds like she’s making you be on edge around her, making it impossible to relax.

5. Are you a guy or a girl?

6. I honestly was expecting a bigger incident based on the title. You definitely didn’t make any huge mistake!

   The first person you opened up to wasn’t that receptive, so that conversation ended quickly. I wouldn’t consider any of these people ‘close friends’ that you can trust to be vulnerable with.

   I think you need to expand your horizons and get a real friend, not rely on these people. They don’t sound all that welcoming, honesty.

   Going forward be polite, be cheerful, be *somewhat* friendly, but don’t overshare.

   These people’s opinions are NOT that important in the grand scheme!

7. I’ve done almost the same thing as you, and no you haven’t committed social suicide. It’ll be fine.

8. if your friends cant handle a little weirdness, theyre not your friends. ALL of the people i consider myself close friends with, like 7 people, have seen me(34M) cry and have several really terrible days/nights over the course of our lifetimes. in a few cases its actually brought us closer together. yeah, it IS awkward, but sometimes life is awkward.

9. It seems that you are overthinking it. They may have found it weird but so far I havent seen anything that indicates they may want to cut contact.

   And just because its a friends group.doesnt mean you have the same level of intimacy with all of them. You may decided to share some things with just one or two of them.

10. People asking for honest emotional expression are often not prepared to handle the honest emotional expression. The worst of us will save another’s vulnerability as ammunition for later.

    I wonder if teaching about how to handle emotional expression in school would help alleviate some of this…

11. Sounds like you were “killing the vibe”.

    While we all need emotional outlets, there’s a time and a place for it and it sounds like your “friends” felt that wasn’t it.

12. You were stressed, but I promise it’s no big deal for them.

13. The one practical advice for you that I feel confident shelling out is this:

    Do not let yourself be overbearing towards them in way of explaining and apologizing about this incident, of your own volition.

    If any of them ask about it though, saying you had a bad few days prior to the hangout and you might have underestimated it and thought socializing would be just great.
    I guess, if you are certain, you could say you’d love to have another gaming hangout again some time, when you know you’re feeling good, to kind of make light of it.
    On the contrary, if it seems like they’re trying to avoid you, that’d seem rather immature of them.

    All you can do is your best self. If these people are the kind that would act badly towards you for your humanity, then they’re not your kind of people and it’s better to find that out sooner than later.

    Shame is one of the worst things humans ever came up with to torture themselves and others with. Don’t let it get the best of you on account of a gaming night that didn’t go as you had thought simply because you (very understandably) misjudged your mental capacity for it. It happens to a lot of people all the time. You’re not alone with this.

14. I can imagine how you feel because I feel like I’ve done this before myself but the truth is people forget these things in pretty short order, and if you just act like it never happened and go be friendly like always they’ll likely respond normally and it will feel like a distant memory. Some other thing will get their attention. If you act weird about it though because you’re uncomfortable or you feel bad, it’s just going to keep reminding them and make you look weird so just totally act like it never happened is really your best bet. If you go in and don’t mention it, it will make it look like you feel like it’s perfectly fine now. If you have an attitude of it being so far behind you it’s not crossed your mind since by acting like it’s nothing and convince yourself that they would be kind of weird to even still be thinking about it they will probably feel weird if they were still thinking about it or if they brought it up because we tend to start to think what the other people are putting out there as if we don’t know any better and everybody else knows more than we do. They will probably think oh what is the big deal? I guess it isn’t one.

15. Your thought descriptions sound a lot like what we see from people with social anxiety. If you have the means, please seek out a psychologist who can teach you how to process socially anxious thoughts.

16. Very interesting words you have chosen to use… I’ve opened up myself emotionally. I assume that you are usually closed off to people for a fear of hurt or rejection. In this case, try to focus on the positive that people bring to your life and vice versa. If there are constant uncomfortable feelings or are they just anxiety on your part as a fear of messing up or the fears of rejection from them? Or perhaps your actually an empathic person literally taking or absorbing others energy, which maybe negative vibes your feeling. Use your intuitive abilities to decide.

17. Why are you punishing yourself so much? Why do these few people have so much importance? I say this lovingly, but you may consider talking with a counselor because this level of worry is not helpful at all. To feel this devastated is not a reasonable response. I 100% relate to how you feel because I’ve treated myself this way too. It’s painful to pick oneself apart so intensely.

    Z may have asked if you wanted them to leave because they could tell how uncomfortable you were feeling, not because you did anything wrong. And if Z has been rude in the past, why were you able to forgive them but you hold yourself to a different standard? Z can “mess up” but you can’t? (Not that I think you messed up)

    Keep in mind, they don’t think about this situation probably at all, but you are *agonizing* over it. The sad truth is most people worry about their own stressors and likely don’t think about you or your stressors so much. Not to say they don’t care, they’re your friends and I’m sure they care about your wellbeing.

    You don’t deserve to live trapped in a mindset where you’re the bad guy for being emotional or vulnerable in front of friends. Please, please practice self forgiveness and self love.

    If someone acted this way in your presence, you’d forgive them, right? You’d think they were having a rough night and you’d move on? Give yourself the same. Remember you’re just a person trying to make it through the day. You’re the only person living in your head so you may want to practice making that a loving, comfortable place to live. 💛

18. There are a few things to point out that you may need to think a bit about if you want to have these people in your life. I am getting the feeling these people may be hanging out with you for the wrong reasons, they may be passively malicious towards you.

    >Z (30F) has been indirectly vicious to me the first time I met her, I caught her making fun of me almost openly behind my back.

    >This made me feel ostracized and othered, this feeling has stuck around and in a way resurfaces when I see her.

    Directly or indirectly, this kind of behavior from Z would be a red flag to me personally. You had just met this person, and this behavior was a result of their first impression of you. That says more about them then it does you, especially if it still does not sit right with you.

    >They are all creative cool types, confident and interesting.

    Do not take this for face value, these people could be putting on a front to cover their own insecurities. It takes a long time to really know someone.

    >They are all “woke” talk about the importance of embracing vulnerability, lack of love and kinship in our society etc.

    Those things are not “woke”, it’s just being a good person. And sometimes people talk the talk, but do not walk the walk, know what I mean?

    >She changed the subject really quick, this made me feel quite weird already. The other two came over, we started playing and soon the chatter became strenuous for me, I got nervous and anxious, overthinking my words. It turned into a quiet panic attack, I dissociated, my sentences stopped making sense and I turned real quiet.

    This is not a bad reaction per se. Sometimes, when we overshare, people do not know how to respond. But you seem to behave, in response to this, like you did something wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong here. It was just something this person couldn’t reciprocate.

    >Then I apologized for being this way (cringing so hard at myself) and explained my emotional state of the previous days still lingering (true and heartfelt) and Z just asked “should we leave”? I said no, they continued on for a while.

    You probably know this, but you don’t need to apologize for yourself. You seem to be self aware of your feelings, which is a good thing. I would advise that you do not open up as much to these people, start really small first.

19. Your friends are shit

    You havent found the “wise council” person in your life yet.

    It takes vetting to find that person.

20. What exactly did you tell them?

21. So… you invited some coworkers over and then became socially awkward and anxious? And now you want to move or change your identity?

    It seems like your hyperneurotic fixation on minor awkward moments is a much bigger problem than whatever social ineptitude you actually have.

    Most people experience the same kinds of minor flub you describe in this post on a weekly if not daily basis. You maybe think for a second about what you should’ve done instead, then move on with your life and hope to do better next time. It’s just not a big deal.

22. You did not commit social suicide. You were having a rough time and still tried to reach out and have fun with potential friends – if they are good people, they will understand that! Reach out and say you want to try to hang out again. “Hey everyone, I know things were a little weird last time we all met up because I was going through some stuff. I have not been feeling great about how everything ended, and would really like to try again.”

23. You’re overthinking this broski, I hope you’re seeing a therapist because for you to think you’ve committed social suicide just because you felt bad during a hangout is crazy. If any of these people are actually your friends they understand having a bad day. Based on the title I thought you like publicly urinated or something bro

24. > She changed the subject really quick, this made me feel quite weird already.

    Well you were there to play games and have fun. You gotta get in a fun mood, not talk about depressing stuff. Maybe a “Had a rough week, but at least we can have some fun now” would’ve been better from your side.

    Anyway, that sounds far from a social suicide, just a bad day

25. Go take care of yourself and when you feel better, tell them. Do it in one sentence. “Sorry I was in crisis mode last time. I feel so much better now. “. The end. The best way to get this behind you is to have confidence when you interact with them. Fake it until you make it. Don’t over share. If they invite you to an intimate conversation about your troubles don’t fall into one. Just be vague and say you don’t want to go into it right now. “Uggh. I don’t want to talk about it now because I feel so good. “. If you’re right to be suspicious of these people, it’s a good move. If you’re wrong, still not a bad move. If they are all weird and viscous, screw them.

26. Ahhhh I’m not new here, but welcome to the maze of female social behavior 🙂

27. You don’t know Y and the first moment she talked to you, you started to unload your stresses and pressures onto her. Maybe next time just say “it’s been a tough week, but I’m just glad we’re going to chill out and have a fun night!” Acquaintances don’t really care to hear the depressing stuff, since they haven’t developed enough of an emotional bond with you to support you. Since you admit being socially awkward, do you think you would have been able to be the empathetic listener if SHE started that conversation? It’s just uncomfortable for everyone.

    That being said, it’s only a very tiny blunder. I think that moment made you start overthinking every interaction and reading negatively into everything they said and did. Most people in group settings just speak loudly and over one another, so it feels like you’re being excluded if you don’t pipe up and cut into the convo the way they do. This was the steepest learning curve for me, because I felt like I was being impolite. But people will NOT make space for you in a conversation unless you force yourself into it.

28. Omggggggg I gotta say I am of no help, but it’s so hilarious cause sometimes I feel this way socially, but it’s been so so long that I am so familiarized with it and now I don’t give a shit if it happens and the person doesn’t like me no more 😂😂😂 and it’s the first time I see someone else going through this and ITS CRAZY! It will be fine though, just don’t give a shit, at the end everyone leaves and forgets

29. People don’t really want to know about your problems. Sure, your best friend and mom do, but new friends need to be on much more superficial terms until they achieve close friend status. You overshared, and then everyone became uncomfortable including you. When someone asks, your great, or busy or whatever, but don’t “open up emotionally”. Be less forthcoming about your problems and everyone at the hangout will feel more comfortable, including you.

30. Are you male? That might have been the issue. That sounds sexist but that is how it really works. Opening up for males is hard, and you essentially show, in society’s eyes, weakness. Weakness is generally not appreciated by the average woman.

31. I tent to feel the same way. My therapist told me not to overthink every interaction because “what’s the worst that can happen?”
    We feel that way because we’re putting ourselves in a vulnerable situation and end up thinking we said to much, we gave too much information…
    I’m working on that for awhile now… obviously it comes from other issues so it’s a long run.
    Sorry if my comment doesn’t make sense, I speak French

32. Tone indicator because it’s meant to be helpful, but direct and maybe I assume too many things. I think answers will disrupt your shame spiral though so here is my attempt at answers. Shame is toxic, you didn’t do anything to go down that slide first off.

    From the way you worded this in a “them” and you, and other word choices that you see them as a clique or group of friends you want to be apart of, but feel on the outskirts and don’t know how to be accepted into it. It seems like your method of entry has been to build a connection, but the fast way, but trying to enter through the intimacy door. I don’t think it was right for Y to make fun of you, and also, intimacy with people is earned and they’ve not given you reason to feel like you should extend yourself that much or share that with them. It’s kind of jumping to conclusions of relationships.

    It seems as if you’ve conflated vulnerability with depth and depth with intimacy and all of this as a means to connecting in a secure way. You’re putting a lot of pressure on having successful interactions with these people and letting it be a reflection of you which at worst (not saying you are) can come across as desperate if you do it too often. Fortunately, your relationships with them are still fresh enough for new impressions. But I think you feel a ways because you opened yourself up because you thought they valued vulnerability and were left feeling that pang of being rejected, because “why not my vulnerability then” which can feel like desperation, because you didn’t open up because you wanted to but because you thought they valued it. and no-one wants to feel like that and so I imagine it feel a little like being tricked into being in that position. which is likely why you feel like you committed social murder. don’t let it be that deep. let it roll off your back so you don’t make a self fulfilling prophecy. There’s no need to feel shame if you don’t look at yourself under a microscope which, imo, is the source of your anxiety anyway. Focus on if you even like hanging out with them- and not because they’re cool. Are they cool with you?

    Vulnerability doesn’t necessarily always mean intimacy. It means many things. Being wrong, asking questions, asking for help, shooting your shot and risk being rejected in friendship or love, taking chances, risking looking silly for something higher that you want. It doesn’t always mean rolling over on your back and expoing your soft underside. Especially to people with what appears to be no context to you as a person. You were vulnerable in taking a chance at opening up to them, and maybe you were rejected (maybe not though). Here is a chance to see if they’re the kind of people who just say things or actually walk the walk. If they ice you for being vulnerable, you can tell that they just virtue signal when they say they value vulnerability and don’t have much grace. Do those values align with yours? Pay attention to them, not just put the eye of intense inspection on yourself. this is how you miss cues and let the wrong people in or miss out on the right people, or even misread interactions.

    They say there needs to be 5 positive interactions per each “negative” interaction for a healthy and positive relationship. I think you need to organize your relationships into hierarchy and think of building relationships with everybody the way you do with being familiar with someone you just met’s house.

    The first time you meet someone, you don’t go into their bedroom. You may stop by on the sidewalk or hang in their front yard. The next time, you come in the foyer, maybe watch TV and then go home. The next time maybe dinner, and a few dinners before you spend the night. Etc. I think your anxiety comes from not knowing how much or little to give, but I think if you can pace yourself and hold boundaries and not try and be accepted, but pay attention to how much of your house you want to let a certain person access by paying attention to who they are when you hang out, you won’t overthink so much and will be able to be in the moment and read the room which will give you confidence about knowing what you’re doing when you’re hanging out.

33. you’ll get trough this OP, now just try to calm down, you’ll learn your lesson and meet new people, this is not the end, just a stepping stone, you needed this in order to improve, it will help you express your feelings in a better way in all the next ocasions from now on. you´ll get trough this.

34. Hey, we all have those moments where we feel like we messed up socially, but it’s important to remember that everyone has off days and it’s totally okay. It sounds like you were going through a tough time, and it’s natural to feel vulnerable in that situation. Instead of beating yourself up, try to practice some self-compassion and remember that you’re only human.
    As for moving on, maybe give yourself some time to recharge and focus on self-care. Once you’re feeling a bit better, consider reaching out to them individually and maybe explain that you were going through a rough patch, and thank them for their understanding. You never know, they might be more understanding than you think.
    Remember, one awkward moment doesn’t define your entire social life. We all have our ups and downs, and it’s important to learn from these experiences and keep moving forward. Hang in there, and don’t be too hard on yourself!

35. [removed]

36. It doesn’t matter how convenient it’s hanging with someone because they know your circle, never allow toxic people into your life.Especially if you are vulnerable.

    I didn’t understood people talking behind my back for me to hear in middle school. I’m not going to try to comprehend it at 22 and you shouldn’t excuse that behavior from someone who’s 30 years old and choosing to be shitty.

    The best people in life are going to allow you to express yourself because they actually preach what they say and not only try to sound “woke”. The awkward ones maybe won’t know what to say but the won’t make you feel bad for expressing yourself.

    Only people with anger and hate in their hearts will make you feel bad for it.

37. stress less

38. It sounds like everyone in the story is women so I think you might have gotten caught up in something that usually happens to men. When women ask others to open up about their feelings they usually don’t mean it. It’s just a way to hurt others. Sorry this happened to you. Take time to get yourself situated again and you’ll be fine moving on with other friends.

39. So what if you can’t hang out with them any more? Is hanging out with them a privilege? Who the fuck are they? Queens of some countries or something?

    Nope. They’re just two random people.

40. So I struggle a lot with social interactions I overthink everything I say and instantly think people don’t like me! However I have had the fortune of meeting some very lovely people and when I’m with them I can be myself, true friends will love you the way you are and tell you straight if you need to sort it out but also they won’t put any unnecessary pressure on you! Stay true to yourself and the right people will find you! You will also start to notice is that if you are confident in yourself people can tell! But remember you can’t make everyone happy! Stay strong you got this!