My boyfriend (24M) and myself (21F) have been dating for almost 7 months now.
He is actually my first boyfriend and i had never had any dating experience prior to this. We met in our second year in university, became close friends and it slowly grew into us developing feelings for each other.
We went out with a couple of our friends yesterday, he seemed to be really happy and having a good time. There was no indication that he was upset about anything even when we went to sleep.
This morning however, I noticed he was bothered by something, so after pressing, he admitted that he was upset because he feels like I’m hiding my phone from him. He says when I’m looking at my messages my mannerisms make it seem like I’m hiding something or maybe someone from him, and he feels hurt by this. I am most definitely not hiding anything from him. I can’t even imagine being able to cheat on him(or anyone obviously). He is one of the most kind and caring people I have in my life and I love him immensely. That’s why it kind of hurt also when he said he felt like his trust in me went down a little bit.
I feel like I may have a habit of holding my phone in a way where I want to look at my messages privately, even though its not like theres anything for me to hide? I don’t know why I may do this, maybe it’s a force of habit? I know I’ve been used to being a private person, up until I got into our relationship. Being with a person so open and expressive has brought me out to being open as well.
I have always made it open and clear for him to have access to my phone, he knows my password, and I never get defensive or anything of that sort if he ever picks up my phone or whatever. The same works for him with me as well, even though I’ve never been worried about his phone, who he talks to and all that.
The whole thing was not an argument, it just dissolved into an awkward conversation.
Tl;dr I told him I understood how my actions made him feel and I’ll work towards showing him that I’m not hiding anything. Tbh, I’m hurt and upset about how he feels like a tiny bit of trust is lost, over something that I was not even intentionally trying to do. I feel like it was also just sprung on me now all of a sudden, and I have to prove to earn security and trust from him again.
**EDIT**: **I had a discussion about the situation again this afternoon. It’s technically resolved now but I can’t help feeling upset still. I told him that I was hurt that he said that he felt like his trust in me went down a bit, and that I know I cannot change his mind immediately and just make him trust me(obviously) and that it will only come with my actions and time.
He said that he went into overthinking and thought that our friends(we have the same circle) yesterday could have also been in on my suspect behaviour. I got defensive because our friends are some of the nicest people we know and even if I was doing something wrong, they would never stand for it. I told him that not everyone is out to get him, especially the people who he has now in his life.
He mentioned that he feels like I may find a person who is better than him, and that I may be unhappy all along but not saying anything.
I think it’s a bit frustrating for me that I’m made to feel like I’m capable of doing such terrible things like cheating, especially to him, when I express my love and feeling all the time. Is it too prideful for me to think this way?
Idk if this will get to anyone, thank you though for reading this far if you have <3 advice is appreciated
4 comments
Either you ARE being secretive or HE’S being secretive and projecting
I feel like he’s being insecure for no reason. I agree, maybe projecting?
If this is the only thing in 7 months, pretty good, I guess.
A secure man wouldn’t be concerned about this, bottom line.
But you sound like you’re more secure here, maybe try to reassure him in words and actions. But I would beware of more signs of insecurity.
I was that guy, it’s not fun.
> I feel like I may have a habit of holding my phone in a way where I want to look at my messages privately, even though its not like theres anything for me to hide? I don’t know why I may do this, maybe it’s a force of habit?
Maybe you just don’t want random people around you day to day to creep on your shit, and you have perfectly good and normal habits for that reason that you haven’t made an effort to specifically unlearn when around your boyfriend, who you *also* don’t particularly want creeping on your shit anyway? Seems reasonable enough to me.
It may read to him as “secretive” but instinctively making it so you’re the only one who can see your screen when you’re reading your own messages which are for you and no one else is not a sin.
It’s a big leap for him to go from that to “I think you’re hiding something *or someone* from me” and I recommend strongly against letting that slide. He’s the one in the wrong here.
I think it’s weird that he’s upset over this when he has your phone password. He could ask for your phone at any random time and it doesn’t seem like it would bother you. So it seems a little strange to me?
Personally, I wouldn’t be sharing my phone with anyone. I value privacy and trust a lot. I wouldn’t ask a guy for his password for the same reason. Your own thoughts and conversations should be able to be kept private. And if you trust your partner, that should be fine. I don’t want someone reading everything I talk about.
And for the record, none of my conversations are in cheating or inappropriate territory ever.