Hello r/relationships,
I have already posted this in the parenting subreddit, but I think it also fits here, as our problem has the potential to significantly impact the relationship between my child (14NB) and me (35F).
In order to comply better with the rules of this subreddit, I will start by phrasing my question more precisely:
Should I completely affirm my child in their gender expression (including pronouns) and rejection of their biological reality? Or should I risk disappointing them and seeming like a transphobe by gently confronting them with the problematic elements of their approach to gender?
The time frame of this conflict/problem is approximately the last two years.
So, here goes, thank you to all who are willing to read all this (reading the tldr just isn’t enough I’m afraid).
I am hoping for some advice/feedback on how to handle my child’s struggle with their gender identity.
(Please only answer if you are generally open and accepting of LGBTQ people and willing to discuss the subject with respect and nuance. This is about a child’s wellbeing, not conspiracies or ideology etc. Sorry but this topic seems to be very controversial, so I felt I had to make this request).
My child is 14 years old and identifies as non-binary. They were born female but given a gender neutral name (which is perceived as more masculine in out country than in English speaking countries). Here I will use the name “Alex” instead of real names.
Alex has two siblings, Henry (M, 4 yo) and Maxine (F, 11 yo).
I am their mother, and I’m 35 years old.
Henry and Maxine are healthy and happy kids, but Alex has always struggled.
The last seven years, Alex has seen four different therapist, two different psychiatrists and we have been to different specialised parenting classes. Alex has been diagnosed with depression, an anxious hypersensitive personality, ADHD and some minor autistic traits (not enough to be classified as autism). They take medication for their ADHD and antidepressants.
Alex currently goes to a school for children with mental health problems after being bullied and dropping out of their old school.
Now, most problems are now taken care of/ under control. But there is still the issue with their gender identity, which has received very different feedback from various professionals around Alex. We had one psychiatrist push really aggressively for Alex to be put on puberty blockers, which we declined because Alex doesn’t want to and also the most significant changes have already taken place years ago (breast development, menstruation). Then we have Alex’ therapist who keeps using female pronouns for Alex against their wish and is utterly confused by the whole concept of gender dysphoria etc. She says Alex just needs positive reinforcement of “her” femininity and thinks I set my child up for this situation by giving them a masculine name and a gender neutral upbringing (all my children can wear what they want, play with dinosaurs AND dolls etc,…). My therapist thinks I need to be a better role model by positively emphasizing my identity as a woman.
Alex’ teachers however don’t see their non binary identity as problematic, and use their chosen pronouns.
Personally, I am very unsure what is the best approach here. So far, I have respected Alex’ wish, regardless of whether they’re around to hear me or not. But I can’t say it has been easy or feels right.
In our language there is no gender neutral pronoun like “they” (which Alex would prefer), so Alex’ pronouns are the masculine ones. Whenever I speak of Alex, I have to say he/him/his in our language, which makes people think I have a teenage son. But Alex doesn’t see themself as a trans boy and doesn’t dress like one either. They wear skirts, use make-up, want to cosplay as female manga characters etc.
For all of us, how we speak and what we see with our eyes does not fit together. I wish I could say it is getting easier after using these pronouns for nearly two years now, but it’s not. It’s exhausting. I never slip up, but I also don’t feel comfortable.
Which of course wouldn’t be important at all, as long as Alex is happy, but they are not. They say whenever people call them “miss” or “she” (and obviously everyone who doesn’t know them assumes they are a girl, like shopkeepers etc) it feels like an insult, and it hurts. Alex says they hate everything that is feminine about their body (but also doesn’t want facial hair or a penis etc), and is repulsed by the idea of being perceived as “girly” or “womanly”.
To me that sounds a lot like internalised misogyny, which I find problematic. I have talked to Alex about how I wish they/we could work on accepting themself without rejecting the female parts of their body, or the perception that comes with it. Alex thinks that approach is transphobic. They say people who see them as a girl are ignorant bigots. This leads to Alex rejecting most of their peers at school, including those who are well meaning but unaccustomed to the kind of language used in the LGBTQ community.
I want Alex to be more open and relaxed about gender, and to understand that female pronouns do not mean that they are required to conform to feminine stereotypes.
We are a very queer family, my husband and I are both bi (as is Alex), we both defy gender norms in many ways. Personally I have described myself as genderqueer at times in the past (as an adjective), because I don’t feel especially “womanly” whatever that means, there is a significant difference between myself and many women I have met who are very feminine and who like to invoke a feeling of sisterhood with other women. I will never be one to have a “girls only” night or something like that. Still I don’t reject femininity at all, I am comfortable being called a woman, a wife, a mother. It’s just what I am, it doesn’t mean I have to behave a certain way, or dress a certain way, it’s just how I was born. “Woman” to me is just a neutral term to me. Why is it such a burden, a slur, to my child?
I feel really conflicted, because I believe it is very important for Alex to learn to love (or at least accept) their body (as it is, or by transitioning if they should change their mind). I also want Alex to feel like they belong in this world and society as it is, not like they are a victim of misgendering and microagressions every day. I think insisting on male pronouns while presenting mostly feminine is reinforcing this sense of being broken or not belonging that Alex has. And of course increases the bullying, which Alex doesn’t handle well.
On the other hand, I do have a lot of respect for Alex’ courage to rebel against a flawed system (why is so much unnecessarily gendered in our society?) and embracing being different. I want to honor that and their individuality. I want to make Alex feel loved and fully accepted, including how they express their gender.
How do I help them find the right path for themself? How do we discuss gender and get to the root of this disgust for all things female without Alex thinking I am second guessing their whole identity?
All the “experts” say completely different things, and I am the only one in this family who has a nuanced perspective. Maxine sees Alex as her brother, Henry sees Alex as his sister. My husband accepts Alex’ pronouns choices but slips up every day, all other relatives say “he” when Alex is around but “she” behind their back.
I am hoping that some of you can relate or have experienced something similar. I am thankful for all kinds of (kind, thoughtful) replies and advice! Thank you
(If you think this belongs in a different subreddit, please let me know).
tl;dr: My 14 yo non-binary teen struggles with their sex/assigned gender and how they are perceived by others. Conflicting advice from different professionals leaves me confused about how to help them. I would appreciate advice!
30 comments
First things first, get them away from the therapist that is using pronouns that aren’t their preferred pronouns. That should happen immediately.
Secondly, disregard that therapists advice as well as anything the other therapists that suggested medication your child wasn’t interested in taking.
Thirdly, let them decided who they are for themselves and accept them for whoever they are. Make sure they know this, because from reading your post it feels like they might not understand that and it might be because you kinda don’t accept them. If you want to support them, they’ve given you a road map to do it. Follow it, let them lead.
Fourth, find a LGBTQ+ specific therapist and interview them. You should be able to figure out in a 20 minute consultation if this is someone that will force medication on your child without their consent or if they might be the type of person to not accept the gender identity your child has chosen.
Is there an LGBTQ+ organization in your country? They might perhaps have a solution for the language. It might also help then to connect Alex to other NB people and see how they do things in life.
You and Alex should discuss what you exactly want from that therapist who keeps calling your child her/she. How effective is she, if most of the time is spent on saying you and your child are wrong? Can Alex trust this person and convey their feelings accurately or is it someone Alex would feel like they’d have to censor themselves from… which is not what therapy is for?
The best thing you can do is to drop the current therapist and have them start seeing one who is knowledgeable about gender therapy.
> My therapist thinks I need to be a better role model
The people closed to you know the local guidance and your child best.
Your children are incredibly lucky to have such a caring and supportive mother. You are approaching this subject with a very open-mind and considering various perspectives, which your child is likely not able to do at their age and current brain development. I am 26, and relate to Alex in many ways; I have always struggled with my mental health and in my teenage years I had a very negative view of the world and how others perceived me. I can clearly recall having very strong opinions of society and it’s failure to accept queer identities and I took this extremely personally which disrupted my ability to understand other perspectives. This attitude continued until my early twenties, which makes sense in relation to brain develop particularly in the prefrontal cortex which is the region of the brain that has the massive job of organizing and processing information and responding with reason (along with many other functions).
Unfortunately there is no perfect way to be a parent, and this is not something that you can solve for Alex. They are going through the difficult task of discovering themselves in a very complicated world. I am not a parent, but I can give you my advice from the child’s perspective, and that would be to support Alex and express your unconditional love as a parent to them, no matter who they are or how they identify. Regarding pronouns, I would use whichever pronouns they prefer on the basis of respecting their wishes and showing them that just because other people may not understand, and even if you don’t really understand, that how they feel is not wrong and still deserves to be honored. I would always be there to listen, and provide reassurance, and try not get hung up on little things you may disagree with, because those are things that could put a wedge between you now, and they will most likely figure it out with time and maturation. For your own well-being, I would try to step away from the “fix-it” mentality that I can very much relate to, and can somewhat recognize in your post; I know it comes from a place of deep caring for your child and wanting to protect them, but that simply isn’t possible, and that doesn’t make you any less of an amazing parent. Try to encourage them a lot when they are able to look on the positive side or express empathy and understanding for others, but know that it will take time for them to see things from a comprehensive point of view as you do. To promote their acceptance with their body, show them by loving yourself and verbalizing that around them, rather than focusing on their body and why they should love it. Attention on their body could make them uncomfortable, and I recall as a teenager questioning people’s motives with those comments and feeling that my parents “had to say that” when they would make positive comments.
I hope this helps. You are doing an incredible job. I can’t imagine how helpful it would have been for me to have a parent who was so thoughtful. Your children are truly lucky and I have confidence they will succeed in life with such a loving and supportive upbringing.
I mean first things first is to drop the missgendering therapist
No offence but why would you think they’d give good advice if they don’t believe in it
First, I want to say that I think you’re doing better than like a solid 99% of parents out there. Everything you’ve said reflects true and genuine concern for Alex’s well-being and, at the end of the day, that is all you can realistically strive for as a parent.
My child’s therapist reaffirms with me that the hardest part of parenting is the tough conversations with your child. However, at twelve-going-on-thirteen, my kid and I do have a pretty open dialogue on most matters. There are some things she prefers to speak to my husband about, and some things she needs to talk to her grandparents about before she’s comfortable discussing with us, but either way, she has that social safety net. So with that being said, I think that might be step one, if you’re not there already– just start establishing a regular dialogue with Alex. Maybe start small– how is school? Slowly work your way up to, where are you at emotionally? – or something like that. And then make your way to asking if they feel comfortable discussing their identity further. Or if they are open to the idea of a new therapist–
–which is my second piece of advice. You definitely should find a therapist who is more knowledgeable about LGBTQ+ issues. I know mental health availability and accessibility is limited in many parts of the world, and I know from personal experience that therapist shopping is extremely frustrating. But getting your child care from someone with the capacity to understand what they’re going through– who then can help your child understand and navigate their own situation better– is definitely one of the key elements to watching your child flourish. I personally have watched the difference in my own kid with a good therapist and a ‘meh’ therapist and the difference is night and day. I can expand on this if needed.
Otherwise, I do think you’re on the right track. I would let Alex lead you. I would, perhaps, try to touch base on the pronouns, given what you said about your language not having specifically neutral pronouns and Alex missing being referred to as a young lady, but again, just phrase it as a check in– *Hey, Alex, I just wanted to make sure I’m doing this right, are you still okay with the [specific pronouns] I’ve been using?*.
You’re doing a great job. At the end of the day, your kid’s happiness should always come first, and that is very much what your post speaks to.
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Please take it from someone who’s mom ignored my chosen identity for years, please accept your child for who they want to be.
My mom took the “ignore it and pretend it isn’t happening” approach. It hurt me more than you could imagine. Our relationship will never be fixed, because she didn’t accept me when I needed it the most.
Now that I’m an adult, at 21 she finally accepts who I am. But she did ignore my identity for 7 years.
There are tons of stories of kids who cut off their parents for not accepting them, and even more common with kids whose parents PUSH them to be their assigned gender.
You will actively be pushing your child away, and actively showing them that they’re identity and choices are invalid to you. You will show them that you are not going to support and accept them unconditionally.
Gender is meaningless. Pronouns are just words. Why does it matter if your child wants to use different pronouns?
Who is it hurting if you use the proper pronouns and accept your child for who they are? Absolutely no one.
Who is hurting if you actively refuse to use their preferred pronouns and chosen identity? The child that you are meant to love and support.
Whoever is encouraging you to go against your child’s choices, is encouraging you to teach your child that you don’t respect their choice.
Please understand that no one WANTS to struggle with dysphoria and be trans or non-binary. It isn’t a choice, and it is incredibly difficult. Remember that your child is already struggling with their body. Dysphoria is hard as hell. Dealing with teens who don’t understand is hard. Trying to get people to use your right pronouns is hard.
Your child is already struggling just by existing the way they are. PLEASE do not become an added struggle in your kids life.
You have a choice here, support your child and continue to build a healthy relationship or go against your child and actively choose to show your child you don’t respect them and their life choices.
Hmmm, I think we’re living through a time where medicine – both pharmacological and psychological – hasn’t quite caught up with a shift in culture on the concept of gender and sexuality.
Couple that with a silent revolution in gender dynamics – the attempted re-oppression of women by men enabled through misogyny amplified through social media algorithms + a plummeting birth rate as women refuse to continue to bear the unvalued costs of marriage/motherhood – and no wonder a young person who is a social outlier can’t fully describe themselves either.
My take on this is that throughout history there have always been social outlier children, teenagers, young adults and >25 adults. How they express that otherness has varied according to their social and technological contexts. A few decades ago, mainstream society perceived sexuality as binary like gender. Go back a few thousand years and into Sparta, and you’d be one weird woman if you didn’t shave your head on your wedding night to ease your husbands transition away from compulsory homosexuality.
My take home advice is that most young people who struggle with any facet of self-identity find it in one shape or another as they walk through life. And for the small number who don’t, that’s just life. There is no ideal answer at this point; the uncertainty kind of is the point of an identity crisis. I would say just try your best to be calm and balanced and trust that your kid will find their way through their coming of age story.
First off, you care, and that is really good – keep that up.
I’m not a parent, nor am I anything but straight/cis/male/etc. However the person I married is transition into a male, and many of my friends from college transitioned to opposite birth-genders – I am no expert by any means.
That said, I’d start by reminding yourself that your child is very much in Flux with puberty right now. They are undergoing so much change, and getting their mental perception of themselves warped/changed is inevitable LGBTQIA items irregardless – there will be conflict no matter how you slice it, so just do the best you can.
You can’t control the outside world and other people’s perceptions of your child. But you can be there for them! Remind them this: changing the world is a slow and painful process and if their existence doesn’t connect with the rest of society, there will be pain. It’s not fair. It’s not right. But there is no magic antidote for it. The best thing they can do is live as themselves and do so nobly so as to correct any misperceptions of themselves – or not – that’s up to them. Make sure your home is a safe place to the greatest extent possible so that no matter who they are or what they become, they’ll know they can be “them” (whatever “them” is) in your home.
As for the gendered/non-gendered pronouns. This is my own personal flair and your mileage may vary depending on your sense of humor. While my partner was transitioning, I still peppered in terms of endearment of sorts but in a unique way: “creature” “person” “silly-one” were frequently used. Everyone is so hung up on getting labels right that they forget that you can name anything you want whatever you want as long as all parties are on the same page. So I encourage you to find some creative phrases to call out to your child(ren) in your own manner. If it were me, I would go full dad-cringe: “Child One – your presence is requested at the dinner table” but that’d up to you.
Good luck though. I am really glad you are making an effort and I hope it translates into a positive experience for your child!
*Alex* is the expert on how to treat them. Support Alex in the pronouns and gender identity they currently want you to use, and insist that your other children do the same. Their gender identity may continue to evolve, and they may (or may not) lose some of the strong negative feelings about feminine-coded things in the future when those things are not being pushed at them so hard. But until they tell you otherwise, treat them the way they have told you they want to be treated. You’re doing it right.
Get Alex a therapist who supports them in at least such basic things as pronouns. Beyond that, Alex is on a journey you can’t take for them or fix for them, to find a comfortable place in the world. That’s a hard thing for any teenager, Alex is playing on an extra-complicated setting, and you can’t speed it up for them.
One thing I think is fine, depending on how these conversations go, is drawing a distinction between how Alex feels about womanly things in relation to themself, vs. in general. It may be fine for them to say that they feel awful about X girly thing as applied to them, but not to just flat out say X is bad or stupid In general. It could be fine for you to point out that you agree they should never have to do X and people who expect that are being sexist, but that you or Maxine or some other women like X and that’s not stupid – the stupid part is expecting X of people who don’t want it. (Bonus points if you also have ready examples of men who like X – “X is for everyone who wants it” is an even better message than “it’s okay for some women to like X.”).
I have a friend with a transmasc child around Alex’s age who I know is really struggling with the part of this where that child’s rejection of all femininity, because it’s SO vitriolic, feels like a rejection of her and has been really hurtful. That’s mostly her thing to work on with her therapist and not make the kid’s problem, but I know she’s found some success with that sort of conversatin along the lines of ”I will always support you, I will never make you do X, but I do need you to know that it really hurts my feelings when you say everyone who likes X is an idiot, because X is really fun for me.” Teenagers, of all genders, are often deeply self centered. It’s developmentally appropriate. It also sucks. It’s okay to say out loud when they are hurting your feelings, in situations where they are truly being thoughtless in some way, versus quite reasonably insisting on respect for their identity.
“Alex says they hate everything that is feminine about their body (but also doesn’t want facial hair or a penis etc), and is repulsed by the idea of being perceived as “girly” or “womanly”. To me that sounds a lot like internalised misogyny, which I find problematic. I have talked to Alex about how I wish they/we could work on accepting themself without rejecting the female parts of their body, or the perception that comes with it. ”
Your interpretation of Alex’s feelings about their body is skewed here. They are experiencing body dysphoria because their body does not align with their gender identity. They can’t self love their way out of that, and expecting them to do so is, however unintentionally, transphobic.
Why would so many trans people want to medically transition if they could just positive affirmation their way out of dysphoria? It would save a lot of time, money and stress if they could!
I would encourage you to seek out resources from non-binary people talking about their unique experiences of gender, transition and dysphoria to help you better understand your child. YouTube is a good place to start, creators such as Ash Hardell and Milo Stewart have spoken about their experiences. Alex’s descriptions are pretty common, they don’t want characteristics that are strongly gendered male or female.
Perhaps talk with Alex if there is anything they would like to do to help lessen their dysphoria. Doesn’t have to be medical necessarily, but maybe certain haircut, prosthetics, or language would make them more comfortable.
Support groups for LGBT youth would also be good so the can be around young people that are supportive and can relate to them.
I think you need to stop taking it as an affront when your child says they hate feminity and so on, it’s just how they feel about their own self, not an insult to you, it doesn’t need to be changed.
I don’t have any advice really, I just wanted to say you sound like an incredible parent doing their best in a complicated and probably kind of confusing sometimes situation. Alex and their siblings are very lucky to have you!
When I was Alex’s age my peers who wanted to piss off their parents listened to Marilyn Manson and claimed that they worshiped the devil. A few years later all of them had grown out of that and now everyone looks back at that stage and cringes.
Claiming to be “nonbinary” seems to the the Gen-Z equivalent of pretending to be a teenage satanist. Just don’t take it too seriously.
First of all, I wish my parents were as great as you and honestly, trying to understand and keep open conversations around it is the best thing you can do. I am in my 30’s and non binary and I still struggle to describe it, but it just fits, it makes every thing in my life line up. But going through the accepting process for myself took years and was very a very difficult part of my life. Harder than coming out as gay when I was in my early 20’s. I firmly believe that a woman or a man can be very masculin and/or féminin as possible and still be a woman or a man. I struggled with the concept of bon-binaryness a lot because of this. But I did a lot of research and dug really deep and realized that although that is true it doesn’t mean that fits all people. Then I started to realize that I had never been comfortable being a masculin woman, that I just didn’t identify with being a woman at all and I also didn’t identify with being a man. If I woke up tomorrow in a man’s body I wouldn’t be happier but I also would be absolutely fine with it. I, like your child, dislike the womanly parts of me, but also don’t want to go on testosterone. I will probably have top surgery because having boobs just doesn’t feel right. Them hating the womanly parts of their body or hating anything féminin might just be them figuring shit out and therefor pushing everything that reminds them of being different away, or it may be that they really do hate all things féminin. I understand your worry about misogyny but, for me anyways, accepting myself as non binary helped me understand women and men better, I stopped judging them based on who I was because they didn’t fit in my box anymore. Overall, I just want to be me, regardless of my body, but just because I know who I am or am figuring it out doenst mean it’s easier. I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but I was just trying to explain it a little.
Edit: them instead of then
I’ve been in a similar position to Alex at their age, and know people currently their age in a more similar position.
A friend of mine’s sibling presents themselves in a way similar to how you describe Alex, with makeup and skirts etc, and used to have horrific anxiety and dysphoria which was helped by them being affirmed by their family and loved ones. Having those conversations about what would be useful for them and make them feel affirmed etc is important.
As many have mentioned, finding a trans or at the very least lgbt friendly therapist will be very beneficial, as those who aren’t will often attribute gender identity to mental ill health which often isn’t the case (although there are unfortunately comorbidities).
It’s normal to be confused and worried (my parents still often are, lol), but it’s obvious you really care about Alex and what’s best for them. 14 is a weird age with a lot of confusion, but supporting them in figuring things out isn’t a bad thing
You should probably listen to the therapists. It does sound like you may have confused the child. Using strictly gender neutral terms when they are little is confusing to them.
Likely a phase. Many teens reach for gender reassignment as a way out of their mental health struggles but its not a solution.
It sounds like the professionals you have seen don’t understand that gender is a spectrum and Alex appears to be somewhere in the middle.
Alex doesn’t want to be on hormone blockers or T as Alex doesn’t indentify as male.
It appears the other medical professional interprets that to mean Alex is female but they are not.
Alex doesn’t fully feel like either gender.
For those of us who are cis that can be hard to wrap our heads around and that’s ok
I work with teenagers and I ask lots of questions, respectfully if they are open to it.
I’m fortunate that the youth I have relationships with are happy to help me understand their identity. I don’t ask them to explain gender identity in general, that’s not their job.
Look up the gender unicorn and try to find a therapist who specializes in this area.
Continue to do what you’re doing and follow your gut and your child
I think it would be good to affirm that gender non conformity is okay, and that women don’t have to be feminine at all. Biological sex and gender are different and it’s totally okay to not conform to gender norms.
I really appreciate the approach you’re taking here with Alex. I see what your mean, about worrying that at least some of Alex’s ideas about gender are born of internalized misogyny. I’m not an expert, but I am a bi (leaning lesbian) and gender non conforming woman. The majority of nonbinary people are AFAB (assigned female at birth) and I think it’s not a coincidence. I feel like there’s a giant reason that nobody wants to talk about, but what a lot of people think is gender dysphoria and rejecting being a woman is really wanting a way out of the enormous amount of bullshit that women have to deal with, just because society perceives them as women. (I do believe nonbinary trans people who genuinely experience gender dysphoria do exist too, don’t get me wrong.) I believe this can happen with some AMAB nonbinary people too, it being born of wanting a way out of gender roles and expectations.
I think it would be best to go about this in two ways. One, you can address when Alex veers into misogynistic territory. Don’t make it about their body, but you can steer the conversation with things like “do you think there’s something insulting about being a woman?” or “Hey, don’t talk shit on women, you know you’re talking to one right now right?”. Misogyny isn’t okay from anyone, of any gender. Two, you can emphasize that gender expression and gender identity are not inherently tied together. Emphasize that you can reject any and all gender roles and still be a man or a woman (or nonbinary). But don’t try to suggest that their nonbinary identity isn’t real. Another thing to remind Alex is that people can be unhappy with parts of their body, regardless of gender identity. Cis people get all sorts of body modifications to feel comfortable in their own skin, including some of the ones trans people get (breast reduction, hysterectomy, hair transplants, laser hair removal, breast augmentation, rhinoplasty, fillers, hormones, etc). Being uncomfortable with your body is not a uniquely trans trait. Especially teenagers, most teenagers feel some level of dislike and alienation from their bodies.
As for Alex’s refusal to understand that most of society is going to see them as female, especially if they’re dressing in feminine clothing? That’s just going to have to be a harsh lesson learned with time. They can’t go through life labeling anyone that doesn’t immediately read them as nonbinary as a “bigot” and expect to make friends or get anywhere really. You can tell them this until you’re blue in the face but teenagers are stubborn and it’s unlikely to stick, they’ll just have to figure it out.
When it comes to teenagers (and people in general), people will go on the defensive if you try to argue with them or tell them they’re wrong. But asking leading questions that will hopefully help Alex consider what they really want and who they really are is the key. “Why do you consider it an insult to be confused with a girl? Would you find it insulting if people assumed you were a boy? If you could pick every aspect of your body, what would you ideally look like? How would you express your gender identity if clothing wasn’t gendered? Do you dislike your breasts or do you dislike how people treat you because of them?” Asking open ended questions like that and being open to hearing their answers will go a lot further than telling them anything.
My opinion is that you should let your child navigate their gender identity and not try to guide them. It may be a phase. It may lead to a more solidified identity. It might not. Being uncomfortable, unhappy, sad… these are all parts of life and in puberty they are in overdrive. The only way out of those feelings is through. Talk to your child and help them get comfortable identifying their emotions and reflecting on why they may feel a certain way. No need to judge, just offer support like you’ve been doing.
I think you are a great parent and you see your child struggling and you want to help. Sometimes there is just nothing you can help with. Being accepting, supportive, and proud is what ever child wants from their parents.
As far as pronouns go – not sure what language you speak natively but maybe you can drop the pronoun as much as possible and just use their name/my child every time you speak to or about them. For example:
“…maybe you just use Alex’s name every time you speak to or about your child.”
This is a trick that has helped me switch pronouns for some friends who are transgender.
I will come back to this later after work, but I assure that Alex having issues with the feminine parts of their body is not misogynistic – I am NB and I feel the exact same way do in that regard. And I find that you calling their feelings misogynistic is extremely harmful.
I think if Alex is struggling with gender and their therapist is somewhere between non-affirming & openly transphobic, then they need a different therapist. Time to take them to a therapist who specializes in the area.
This is really rough, and I’m sorry they’re going through it.
You have to focus on what you can and can’t control. You can control how you interact with your child and show respect for their preferences. You can’t control how they are perceived by others. If people think you have a son and not a non-binary child based on the pronoun you used, then it doesn’t matter. You don’t need to explain. Just speak of your child as they prefer and move on. Don’t get caught up in the weeds of other people’s interpretations.
The thing to always do is to do what Alex prefers. That may be consistent. That may change. I can tell you that gender identity for kids has always been fairly fluid at certain ages and changeable, but social censure often kept them from expressing it. I remember wanting to be a boy when I was 6 or 7 years old (and being called a “Tomboy”), but it was something I didn’t care about later on and haven’t had that feeling since that age. My husband was a children’s therapist for five years and worked with non-binary kids, trans kids, and kids who were in a state of flux. Some of them retained their identity. Some reverted to the one in alignment with their biological sex. He simply respected whatever they wanted at any given time.
I think one thing you can do is sit down with your family and see if you can stop them from framing their relationships as “brother” or “sister” or “son” or “daughter” and see if they can focus on their personhood. The word “sibling” or “child” might be helpful. Maybe see if you can find a family therapist who can focus on everyone seeing each other for their personalities and behaviors rather than as a gender. A good therapist would be able to help with this. They shouldn’t be pushing any agenda though (i.e., not pushing for HRT). It should be very much about relationships and perceptions.
You don’t have to help Alex “find the right path.” You support them as they find it themselves. That means talking to them when they need to talk, using the pronouns they want, and buying the clothes they want to wear. This isn’t a journey you are mapping out. It’s Alex’s. You’re just there behind them making sure they are as safe, loved and supported as possible. You love your child and want to shield them from the world, but there is only so much you can do.
Hi! I wanted to offer my two cents as a nonbinary person who knew they were nonbinary from probably around the same age as Alex.
I just want to say off the bat that you are doing a great job, and it’s definitely not easy, but you seem like a very supportive parent and your concerns are valid.
It is tricky because Alex still likes to wear clothes and makeup that are stereotypically feminine, and unfortunately because of the world we live in, not everyone has caught up with the idea that clothes do not equal gender. So people will assume Alex is a girl. Which can be difficult for Alex who has recently uncovered their identity, and as a result it can be hard to relax and not lash out at someone who is well meaning but does not use the correct terminology.
Have you discussed with Alex that perhaps they can try a more educational approach to teaching people about their gender? That’s what I try to do. I’m open with the people in my life to ask any and all gender questions and offer a perspective or direct them to resources. I found a lot of people mean well and in fact are not bigots, just simply ignorant to LGBTQ issues and need educating.
On your original question though, I do think it would be good for you to continue to support Alex in their identity and not try and force them to embrace their assigned gender. At their age there is plenty of time before medical transition if they want to pursue that as an adult, and if it does end up being a phase then there is no harm done, and they may even be a better and more understanding person for it. Gender exploration can come with a lot of self reflection and personal growth. 🙂
Sorry, I am typing this at 1am so I hope it makes some sense!
In my opinion, you need to let Alex lead. Alex may be still figuring out how they feel about the world and their body and it’s easier right now to discard everything and then figure it out later than be pigeonholed into a gender now and have to defy those norms later if it’s completely wrong. One day they may feel more femme, and want to dress more femme. One day they may feel more masc and want to dress masc. Or it may be that they like certain femme things, like makeup and manicured nails and nice shoes, but they prefer masc clothes and pronouns. Any and all of that is okay. Let them have the space to discover who they are, and let it be okay if six months from now it changes and a year after that it changes again. Let Alex have the fluidity of figuring themself out.
Just call her/treat her however she wants to be treated and let her figure it out. I thought I was trans growing up and wanted to be a boy. Around 18 I just realized I am a lesbian and finally appreciated being a woman. I wouldn’t push her to be anything, and let her figure things out.