Brief run down, my wife of 3 years but together for 10 years was recently serious hurt at work. She was rushed to the ER and I was notified. As I show up to be there for her, I asked to have her phone to call her mom, sister and other close family members. Me having full trust with her over the last 10 years I’ve never needed in her phone. But she hesitated to let me in. But she knows my passcode to my phone no problem. So i make the phone calls I needed and later that night she need to be transferred from one hospital to another. So I met her at the next hospital where they immediately took her in for some wound baths. As she was back I figured I’d look to see if I had missed anyone I need to call out of her phone. So not being nosey I came across name with a silent mode on. I opened it up to find lots of texts from as far as I could go back which was about 2 years. Some flirty text, some sexual texts, no sexual pictures. So I decided to get on social media where I find another silent notification on, so of course I look deeper into it and it about the same stuff I found over texts. As this been going by her in the hospital still I’ve been by her side the whole time but obviously confused on the way I’m acting toward her because she doesn’t know I seen this. She keeps telling me she’s glad I’m here, this is only gonna make us stronger ect. She talked to a therapist with me there and told the therapist I’m her rock and the kindest human she ever had in her life ect. As this was going on I was hoping she would just let it all out and come forward with what she been hiding for 2 years now but did not. I also told her I could step out of the room if need be if there was something she wasnt comfortable talking about and she reinsured me that she has nothing to say that i can’t hear. I love her to death and want to know the reasoning behind these conversation with this other guy. But me being me I don’t want to bring this up during her stay at the hospital because of everything she going through now. I go home at night and I feel extremely lost and empty and confused. What should I be doing? Any advice would help thank you
Ps- the other guy is not in state and as far as I know have not linked up with him since this started.
43 comments
Yikes OP, that is a tough one.
I suggest you talk to a counselor one on one so they can help you sort out your own emotions before confronting her. That way you know exactly where you stand and can go into the conversation with your head on straight.
I think you should be taking some notes and once your wife is out of the hospital, you should ask her to be honest with you, because it’s important for you both to be happy. Lies and denial will not keep this marriage together.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, OP. I wish I had better advice. I wish that people didn’t do this to each other. Good luck and do what you can to find your own peace of mind.
Give her divorce papers.
OP,
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. Kudos to you for staying strong for her in the hospital. Based on the texting, do you think it’s an emotional cheat or a full blown affair? Since he’s out of state, I’m guessing it’s emotional but I’m assuming you can dig through some records while she’s in the hospital to verify certain thinks or determine where there might need to be further questions?
Obviously, as advised, you need to have a chat with her. Don’t be surprised if she tickle truths things at first. One thing I wonder is was she missing some flirty, sexual talk with you, which is how she ended up messaging with someone else and it’s like this fantasy world of hers. It would be good for you both to get some therapy together after you confront her and learn where she met him, when, for how long, etc. individual Counseling can also help you deal with things and determine if this is something you can forgive or if you need to leave. Good luck, OP!
I would wait until close to discharge time and then just tell her straight out that when she gets home and is one the road to recovery that she can tell you all about X. But until then you won’t mention it again.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through OP. Judging from the texts and how long they’ve been exchanging these sexual texts, do you think they’ve been having more than an emotional affair?
For me an emotional affair is more than enough to end things with a woman, I would never disrespect myself by staying with a woman who’s entertaining other men.
Keep us updated on the situation
this is why it is wrong to put the girlfriend/wife on a pedestal
see a therapist to vent those emotions
Understand she has no incentive to tell you the truth – most cheaters will only tell what they have to, based on what evidence the betrayed partner has. And then, they will trickle truth you – so don’t be surprised if her first responses don’t make sense, seem to minimize, or just don’t add up.
You’ll want to regularly ask questions to see if her story changes (motivations, her feelings for him, etc.). It can be exhausting and can take weeks/months to get some truth – and you can never know for sure how much she is holding back.
Be sure and look through her messaging to her friends for clues as well. Check the phone bill to see how much she was calling this person. Be sure all credit card/bank charges are accounted for. Maybe schedule a conference call with a counselor to see what they would suggest, regarding confrontation, or regarding collecting more evidence (such as a VAR in her car or keylogger installed on her phone).
One thing you’ll want to try to determine is who was the original purseur. Was she after him, or was he after her, and she eventually gave in to the attention and validation?
These are just some general suggestions. Just be sure you are emotionally prepared for anything she might say – you don’t want to develop betrayal trauma (a form of PTSD). Hopefully she will not blameshift, gaslight, or minimize things – which can be another difficult issue to have to deal with. For example, some waywards will do this for up to 6 months or longer after Dday. Another possibility is she shame-spirals, which is more about her than remorse for you.
Finally, I might add that you need some support. A few people who you can confide in, at least. Perhaps even have support when you confront her. Be sure and record the conversation when you do decide to confront.
This is a tough one. I would discuss as soon as she is able. No reason to let this stew, it will eat you up.
You need evidence of what she’s been doing. You need screenshots of the texts so when you confront her, and she continually tries to lie to you, as she’s been doing, you have evidence.
Now isn’t the time to be playing the “aww shucks, what’s my darling wife up to” act. Now is the time to put your thinking cap on and come to the realization that the image you have of your wife is fake. She’s been lying to you and having an affair behind your back, complete with precautionary measures taken to hide it from you. This is who she actually is.
Get evidence. Everything you can and make copies. Keep them safe. Maybe even talk to a lawyer about your financial position and what a divorce would look like for you. Then confront her.
Or you can be like the countless other guys who go in thinking their situation is different and their wife isn’t like that and then look back at this moment in 5 years wishing they had taken steps to protect themselves.
I hope you make the right choices OP. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
>obviously confused on the way I’m acting toward her because she doesn’t know I seen this. She keeps telling me she’s glad I’m here, this is only gonna make us stronger ect. She talked to a therapist with me there and told the therapist I’m her rock and the kindest human she ever had in her life etc.
I think there’s a high likelihood that she has guessed that you now know. She doesn’t know to what extent you know, but I think she has a gut feeling. It was a red flag right there when she was being hesitant in giving you her phone.
Everything what I’ve quoted here is her doing damage control in advance. She’s trying to guilt trip you and even gaslight you into thinking that what you saw is probably incorrect, because she wants to portray herself as a person who tells the therapist that you are her rock, and she can’t do such a thing like cheating.
However, she’s an adult and not a child. Kids kiss but adults fuck. It is as simple as that. If and when you confront, don’t let her know how much you know and don’t ask question that you don’t know the answer to. Because that could give her an opening to gaslight you. Please know that it in her best interests to lie to you and you know that she is capable of lying to you for years with you being none the wiser.
So she’s having emotional affair for the last 2 years.
Save the evidence
Contact the lawyer to know about your rights
Pen down your thoughts and the questions that you would like to ask and go through them
Confront her once she’s back home.
Don’t believe anything unless she can prove it otherwise
Try to find who the guy is and tell the SO of that person
> She keeps telling me she’s glad I’m here, this is only gonna make us stronger ect. She talked to a therapist with me there and told the therapist I’m her rock and the kindest human she ever had in her life ect.
Sounds like she sees you as the safety net who provides comfort and stability and for the excitement she has the other guy.
Updateme!
Honestly, Id say that u know & that ur willing to wait to talk about it once shes healed/back home
Fuck no.
Her being in hospital is not an excuse for her not to face the consequences of her actions.
Tell her you know of her affair.
Tell her that you will wait for her to leave hospital before filing for divorce, but she needs to find somewhere else to stay because she’s not welcome back home.
And then tell her that other than by lawyer, you will not be contacting or communicating with her again.
I think it’s touching you care so much about her feelings to not confront her immediately…
But don’t lose sight of the fact that she couldn’t have given two shits about your feelings while she was having an emotional affair with another man.
Does she deserve such compassion from you? I’m going to say absolutely not.
Pls don’t breakup just yet. You might be surprised how common cheating is nowa days. I think you did a terrific job up until that point. Look up on YouTube the therapist Esther Perrell. She is specialised on cheating in a relationship and even gave a TED-talk about it. She will def. give you more helpful advice then the mass on reddit can. Reddit almost always calls for a breakup but that answer is backed up by an hurt ego, who only saw the disrespected behaviour. Yes it is disrespectful to you and it hurts the most important thing in a relationship, which is trust but this can be the chance to have a much stronger marriage. It will take a lot of work but if you’re both willing to do that, I’m pretty sure it’s worth it.
She gotta has to be 100% honest though, even if it might hurt you, what she says. I think it’s better to have this conversation at your home, because you 2 are alone there. I really highly recommend to watch some videos of esther perrell,so you’re prepared for that talk.
Maybe she resents being married and still having to work and actually risk her life
Call her boyfriend on speaker from her hospital room and ask him to come take care of your cheating wife. Go see a lawyer and start the divorce process. Good thing this happened. No telling how many years your lying cheater would be doing this to you. No telling how many others there have been. Sorry man.
Unpopular opinion: I’d cheat on my husband too if I still had to work and ended up in the ER because of it…
No I wouldn’t though I would just effing leave
This whole post makes me so mad, like you’re a grown man just talk to your wife
And why is she doing anything behind your back. Both of y’all are grown acting like some kids…..
Where is she working that she can be injured like this??? Im not saying this is right but as a woman I would lose confidence in my man if I still had to work a job that threatens my physical safety in any way. I would just feel like he can’t protect me.
Better then me I would have made it a memorable day talk to every good divorce attorney in the area so they can’t represent her and have her served in the hospital bed so she’ll remember everything then I wouldn’t ever go back to the hospital pack all my shit and leave or get an apartment. I would have called the dude on speaker acting like someone from the hospital her mrs so and so requested we call you she’s been hurt can you come down and then watch her blood pressure and heart rate sky rocket. I wouldn’t event confront him wouldn’t be worth the argument sucks you have to go through this.
I never understood why people hide cheating and flirting with other people in committed relationships. Like it’s just silly. If you feel like you want to talk to someone else why are you in a MONOGAMOUS relationship in the first place and then why hide it?
At least tell your husband you’re not sexually satisfied and need other arrangements and give him a chance to respond.
And for y’all nasties that actually have sex with these randoms, you need to tell your partner IMMEDIATELY before you give them an STD
I have never cared about a man cheating on me as long as he isn’t hiding it, as long as I know when to get tested, and as long as he’s taking care of me and nothing between us changes
But men suck at polygamy so I’d probably lose interest anyways
Although it’s definitely an emotional affair I would want to know if it was physical or not. I would go through all the texts to see if she said things like “ I want to see you AGAIN” or “I MISS you” implying they at some point met. I would try to get as much copied as I could!
Right now though get a lawyer and divorce papers and start separating financially. You can stop this at any time, but don’t want to wait to get the ball rolling!
Tell her not to delete ANYTHING and you want to see it all. In fact go through it WITH her so she can confront all her misdeeds! Then you decide what you want. If you decide reconciliation make her tell her family and her APs wife what she (they) did!
EDIT I forgot to add if she claims that she never met him physically or that she broke it off with him, send him a text from her phone saying “I miss you” and wait for his response. You no longer have to play fair because THEY aren’t!!
Divorce
I don’t know.Maybe she suspects you might found something and tries to say things to guilt trip you.
When she is out,you need to have a conversation about your future together.
You should write down what you want to tell her and dig up any new info that you can find.
Don’t let her current situation clout your judgement.
If you wanna stay with her,and make it work,it’s your choice but you need to prepared for the future.
Yeah I would tell her something seems off in the relationship for the last xx months
Is she involved with anyone I should know about?
Then see if she lies or not
Updateme!
She can’t have friends?
Honestly the hospital is the best place for her when you wreck her current world.
She’s surrounded by doctors.
I would open her phone to those messages and say I’m going home, when you get out of here you go to your parents. Maybe I’ll call you afterwards to discuss going forward, but life as you knew it is gone.
Also guy in question needs to be excommunicated as of yesterday… That’s not negotiable.
Did she ever meet this guy? Have they met? You have to get to the bottom of that. Get a hold of her phone and scroll all the way up and read everything and find out.
Is she still meeting with the therapist? Maybe professional help confronting her would not be a bad idea. Just a thought. I am so sorry this is happening. Good luck I know I would not be able to hold this in. I would confront right away. I mean she could be contacting him while you are not at the hospital.
Be prepared to be gaslit.
Honestly dude 2 years of an emotional affair where they send lovely shit to each other is a far worse betrayal than a drunken hookup or something. I’d serve her the divorce papers while she was still in a hospital bed.
She is a bad selfish person. Yes, she might love you and might want to be with you, but she has another man for the “fun” things.
I doubt any men or women can have an emotional affair for 2 years without any intimate physical contact. I’m so sorry for you, I want to the same shit, but the idealized image you have about your wife is not the reality, she is not the person you think she is.
You must realize that is not your fault. Some people don’t communicate or prefer solving their own problems in their own way instead of doing it with their partner. She might have picked a different path than you and might have other priorities in life. Sadly, people is becoming less and less honest in their relationships.
updateme!
Look – she knows you have seen them by now. That’s why she is saying that stuff to you.
Does she have her phone now? If she does, you need to confront her. It’s going to east you alive, and you don’t want her reaching out to him again.
If you have her phone – text the guy(as her) that you’ve been in a bad accident – then say “this is her husband, asshole! Don’t ever communicate with my wife again”
This has been going on for 2 years. They met somewhere, or somehow. I wouldn’t wait though. Why would you want this guy pouring his sympathies out to her right now?
Say something like
“I’m glad that you’re ok and doing better. I have been very worried. Sadly, my worry quickly turned into sadness and heartbreak once I saw what you’ve been doing being my back. I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t enough for you, and that you needed to step outside of our marriage. We don’t need to discuss it now while you’re recouping, but I’m not sure how we will be able to move forward with our marriage after discovering you’ve been having a 2 year long emotional affair.”
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Immediately secure your financial situation. Cancel everything in both your names. Put anything you don’t want to lose in storage. Understand that she suspects you know she’s in another relationship. Doesn’t actually matter if they never met up before. She was in a textual relationship. Your priority is to get out of this situation with as little emotional damage as possible. Therapist asap.
Updateme!
She’s cheating yo.
You dump cheaters.
Get screenshots and evidence of her emotional affair, and then hit up a lawyer for the divorce.