I’ve lived with these carers for 12 years, and for a long time, I genuinely saw them as my parents. A few months ago, a combination of disagreements and me feeling disrespected led to me leaving home to stay with my grandma for a few days, and when I came back, it took me a while to build up to our normal level again.
A few days ago, I was sat down and told that the rent and overall expenses is getting hard for my foster parents to manage. They already have 1 biological daughter in university, and I alongside their youngest biological daughter will be leaving for university in the summer, leaving them with just one foster daughter. This means that they will be moving to their second home, where there is not enough room for me, and so I am being given a month after my A Level exams end in June to move out.
Logically, this makes sense. Their house has 2 bedrooms, I can probably stay with my grandma in that time, and only my foster father works due to medical complications for my foster mother. But I feel so hurt. My bedroom, my safe space, is basically being ripped away, and even if I do stay with my grandma’s, she’s quite strict and I have a lot less privacy and freedom.
My brain has automatically taken a shift to just referring to them as my carers, whereas in the past I considered them my parents. They’re trying their best to keep things normal, to, idk, show they still care for me, but I just feel so betrayed and abandoned. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know how to navigate these feelings or even begin to communicate them.
Am I overreacting? I can’t help but feel I have a right to be angry, but then how do I express that? How do I tell them how much this hurt me?
19 comments
Your feelings are valid. Being abandoned hurts and it may even hurt more when it’s adoptive parents. It hurts but don’t dwell. You are now officially into sink or swim time.
I don’t think you’re overreacting, but it’s good that you recognize that anger is a reaction and you can identify what you’re really feeling underneath that.
It sounds like what you need from them is reassurance that they still care about YOU, and that they aren’t kicking you out because you had a fight, and have been deprioritized and devalued. Idk how it is for you, but having come from instability and foster care on and off, and abandonment issues, I was terrified to ever say anything that might make people leave or make me leave, to express any kind of “negative” emotion. So things would build up and I would eventually explode.
They may think that this is obvious because they provided a logical explanation, but it sounds like what you need is emotional reassurance. Big transitions like this always feel destabilizing but they can be pretty triggering w/trauma in your background. This kind of uneasiness about the future always made me much more reactive and foster care was one of the few places I ever felt safe/secure, it was torture when I had to leave and I was never anywhere long enough to have this significant relationship so I imagine it’s exponentially harder for you. You need to know that this relationship and this connection will still be there, to feel like you have a “home”, “family”, and normalcy, even if you never live with them again. And a hug.
You are well within your rights to feel a full array of feelings, especially feeling abandoned– particularly after 12 years. You are not wrong to distance yourself from these people; after all, who just… walks away from a child that they raised? (Not trying to twist the knife– I just want you to understand that your feelings are very much valid)
At this point, as scary as it is, you should probably start making plans for how you’re going to take care of yourself. I know you said you may be able to stay with your grandmother, but with such a huge disruption to your life, you may find that it’s better for your mental health over all to take care of your own needs, even if it’s harder in the short term. Start considering options you may have such as employment vs. continued education (and student loans), staying with grandma vs. getting roommates, what types of government assistance might be available to you (particularly as a former foster youth).
One important thing I would love for you to understand is that family has a very flexible definition. Your carers were your family for the last twelve years, but that is changing due to no fault of your own. That does not mean you are, or are doomed to be, alone. Family is just the people you love, and the people who love you. I consider my family to consist of my husband, my niece (that we have custody of), and my best friend. The four of us are a family unit. It’s unconventional, yes, but we love each other and look out for each other. You can build your own tribe as you go. The first few years may be rough if you don’t feel like you have that foundation right now, but please understand that this is not the end of the road for you.
The internet is a wonderful resource, and in a way it is good that your carers gave you enough of a heads up so you *do* have enough time to make a plan for yourself. I’m so sorry that things are so hard. I do wish you the very best.
What’s happening with the 3 daughters? Are the 2 who are in/heading to university also losing bedrooms, or do they already all just live in one bedroom together?
Hey. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. My mom was a foster child after being removed from a horribly abusive & neglectful home at the age of 5. She was in a similar situation in that her and one of her sisters were placed with a foster family and lived there through adulthood.
Are you in the U.S? Do you have a foster care manager? The government funds programs to provide help with successful transitions into adulthood, up to age 21. They help with things such as educational vouchers, healthcare and housing assistance, but it varies by state.
It’s known as the Foster Care Independence Act of 1999 and the John H. Chafee Foster Care Independence Program.
This website details resources for those aging out of foster care. I hope you find this helpful.
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[https://www.findlaw.com/family/foster-care/aging-out-of-foster-care.html](https://www.findlaw.com/family/foster-care/aging-out-of-foster-care.html)
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I am rooting for you and your future! Please keep us updated.
Please talk to your social worker about going into an independent living program. They will help you get an apartment and get on your feet as an adult.
I’m sorry you are going through all of this. Hopefully the family will still want to be a support for you even tho they are struggling financially.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I dont have much advice for the emotional side of your story but I see a lot of good advice here.
As a foster child transitioning to adulthood though, your state (assuming youre in the US) should have some resources for you. It I’d a federal law that they have to help you with a variety of things including housing when you transition to adulthood. I would look up foster services in your state and get in contact with them. I know in my state they have independent living coordinators who assist people like you in locating and paying for housing. Depending on what they set you up with it could be better than your grandmothers house, you never know.
Also at some universities, a dorm is a big cheaper than an apartment but of course that depends on the school and area you are in.
Sounds like the foster cash is coming to an end, so they are off-loading you, as you are no longer profitable.
You’re not overreacting. They made you realise they see you as secondary to their bio kids and they won’t adapt their life plans to accommodate you like parents typically should.
Maybe apply for a student loan to go to university, do something that pays a lot, not necessarily something you like due to this stupid situation. You might be able to take courses on something you enjoy later but gaining independence comes first.
Please speak your social worker.
If you’re in the UK there are arrangement that can be made for your foster carers to keep receiving funding for you staying with them.
It’s not the greatest situation but try not separate yourself emotionally more than you have to. Forgive them for this abrupt shift. They did as well for you as they could. Plan to keep in touch and be receptive to invitations to visit. Even with biological parents young people might leave home and never live with their parents again.
Express to them your gratitude for being parents to you. Say it even though it pinches. They probably feel embarrassed to have to cut you off like this. Poverty pinches too. Keep goodwill flowing and you keep what you can from the relationship.
They can’t afford rent and stuff so they’re moving to their SECOND home? What the hell.
I think there is a lot missing from the story. Sounds a lot to me like you fucked around and found out. It is a life lesson.
Going to be honest, were you planning to live with them forever?
You should have already started making plans for a career, what you want to do the rest of your life.
It ducks they seem to be so cold about it, but n the end, you do eventually need to have your own life.
INFO: since they’re moving to a 2-bdr and will have 1 foster daughter, it seems they aren’t leaving room for their bio kids going to/in university as well, right?
Maybe this was asked and addressed elsewhere in this thread, but did they bring biology into it? I wasn’t sure if it’s just your explanation of the circumstances in the post, OP, or if your carers used the language “biological” in their talks with you. Can you please clarify?
So, these people were kind enough to take you in and you have been treating them like shit. You whine about being disrespected and claim they need to earn your trust. Bullshit, they tried to deal with you for 12 years and all you do is shit on them and act like you deserve respect. You don’t. You had 12 years to earn their trust and you obviously failed.
Quit blaming these good people. Accept some responsibility for this shit life you created for yourself.
From a former foster youth who aged out in the USA: My best advice is to see if you can find a shelter or short term summer housing. Or see if your Uni has summer housing available, explain your situation and ask to set up a payment plan or agreement. Ask your social worker about what local programs and non profits may be able to help you.
Can you look for a summer job that provides housing? I don’t know about the UK but in the US there are a lot of seasonal jobs that provide housing at national parks and at summer camps for kids. I’m sorry for what happened to you and wish you the best at university.