I’ve (f18) been best friends with a guy (m18) since the start of high school and now in our senior year I don’t know what to do.
I have known about his feelings for me since our second year of high school and I know that they’ve never went away. He is my absolute rock. He tracks my periods, buys me snacks, makes me laugh endlessly and is so gentle with me. A few years ago, he drunkenly confessed his feelings for me which I declined because I had a boyfriend at the time, after that we didn’t talk for over a year until my 17th birthday when I was single again. We talked about what happened and how he no longer had feelings for me, how we missed our conversations and that we were so glad we were friends again. Ever since then we had started gaming again, joking and talking around at lunch and it has become increasingly clear that he still has feelings for me. During the times of our friendship, I’ve had boyfriends, flings etc and he has never even looked at another girl. I used to call him my brother, my best friend and it wasn’t until my 17th birthday that he told me that he cried a lot due to my comments. I still regret them to this day.
There is without a doubt that we’d make an incredible couple, but I don’t have feelings for him in that way. I’ve heard numerous times that you should marry the person that life never gets boring with because love grows with time. I have always wanted a romantic type of love, one that I would feel instantly attracted to. I’ve never been attracted to him in that way and am I not seeing it because I’m not giving him a chance? It’s been over 5 years how can I give him a chance now? I have only recently started feeling pressured by this dilemma due to our mutual friends concerns for him. It’s important to note that he has never tried to approach me in a flirtatious manner and made any advancements. I feel horrible knowing that if I was attracted to him physically and sexually then we wouldn’t have had this problem, hell I would probably have already started dating him in our first year. Looks are obviously not everything and he isn’t exactly an unattractive man, he just isn’t my type at all. I know I probably sound horrible, but I genuinely don’t know how to approach this. Do I slowly stop talking to him? Perhaps tell him that I’m not attracted to him or do nothing and pretend his feelings don’t exist? I don’t want to lose our friendship and I feel horribly selfish, yet but I don’t want him to be sad again. What should I do?
TLDR; My best friend of over 5 years loves me and despite his incredible personality i don’t like him in that way, is it a waste of oppurtunity if i didn’t give him a chance?
4 comments
You don’t need to give him a chance if you don’t want to. You shouldn’t feel guilty about that. Sometimes someone just isn’t the one, and that is fine.
What I would suggest though, is setting some boundaries. Tracking your period, or buying you things isn’t typical friendship behavior when it comes to male-female friendships. I’d suggest putting a stop to that. Think of boundaries you’d have with anyone you knew liked you, but that you weren’t interested in. Those should be applied to him. That doesn’t mean totally cutting off the friendship, but changing it to create a defined friendship might be important as it sounds like the lines between friendship and relationship have been blurred a little.
Beyond this, if you are in your final year of high school and aren’t planning on attending the same post secondary school this might not be something you need to confront head on. Just creating a bit of distance with some boundaries until there is some physical distance might be enough.
No, you’re not horrible for wanting to be attracted to your boyfriend. And no, it won’t magically go away if you give it a chance. You’ve been clear about just wanting to be friends, and this is ON HIM. You made it clear already that you just wanted to be friends.
You’re not obligated to fuck your friends just because they’re nice people.
You’re not into him, that’s not likely to change after 5 years. So really it’s on him to move his feelings away from you and to start finding girls who he can actually be with. I would say that as long as he’s not pushing boundaries or acting obsessive/possessive then you’re not obliged to do anything other than be his friend. If he starts to cross lines then I would definitely say that you need to let him go for his own good. What you don’t want to do is give him a chance in the hope that feelings will develop, because if they don’t then you’ll be in a huge mess and he’ll get even more hurt than he would now.
No, you’re not wrong. If you are not attracted, you are not attracted. If he wants to be your friend in spite of his feelings not being returned, that’s his choice. As long as you are being honest with him, it’s fine.
When your friends press you on it, you can simply say: ‘we have talked it out, he knows my feelings and we both want to maintain this friendship.’ This is a conversation they should be having with him, not with you.
That said… please tread with care. It’s possible you have the power to hurt him a lot more than the other way around. You are not responsible for his feelings, but as his friend, his feelings should be important to you. Be careful not to use him as a stand-in boyfriend. If all this makes you feel awkward, or anxious, a bit of distance can’t hurt, for both your sakes.