I was dating this girl for three months before we got to the point to define things… during our conversation she explained to me that she had just got out from a long term relationship just months before ( from my understand there relationship was more than 5 years long and probably her only love) and she couldn’t jump into a serious relationship at the moment but we could be friends. I refused the friendship and told her that l contact me if she changed mind about dating in general or when she was ready to be date again.. still after 3 months from that moment never got a text from her.. I am here contemplating if first of all I should have accepted her proposal to be friends for the time being until she was ready or if I should just reach out and see how she reacts.
Reason why I am conflicted is I was surprised to find out only after 3 months that she had just got out from a serious relationship, if I had known before I probably would have acted differently instead of being more emotionally vulnerable. I wasn’t necessarily looking for something serious but after 3 months i was ready to progress things but I didn’t wanna force on her. Lastly during our encounters I knew something was up, she was playing hard to get ( like replying late to my texts or being cold to my physical approach), but she kept wanting to go out with me so I thought she liked me but maybe she was on her guard or scared to fall in love. I started to go out and talk with other girls after her but none of them made me feel that special feeling when you like someone.. and I just don’t know if I should have done something different or if it is better like this and time will heel everything. Lastly the one thing that r really threw me off is that I found out that her long term ex is still around because they have a bunch of mutual friends so they hang out all in groups together sometime.. so that made me think that maybe eventually they could try to get back together and I was just a rebound
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Firstly, I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. In time, you’ll eventually figure out what the best course of action to take is for you.
Maybe my experience can help shed some light on your situation?
I recently went through a similar situation. My ex and I were only with each other for about 3 months. During that time, she wanted to go on dates with me, introduced me to her family and friends, etc. But towards the end of the relationship I noticed that she pulled away to any and all forms of intimacy, no physical contact, no kissing, holding hands, no emotional talks, texts became drier, compliments were non-existent, etc. Due to her horrible past experiences with men, I thought that that is why she was behaving that way (having her guard up) and decided to be patient with her and take things slow. Out of nowhere, she breaks up with me because there was a lack of intimacy, yet she was the one who pulled away, and she said that she has commitment issues. I gave her the breakup, yet she wanted to remain friends so we can touch base once in a while. Shamefully, I agreed thinking it would help rekindle our relationship. After our breakup talk, she tells me her long time ex recently messaged her a few weeks prior (while we were still together), to which I was like, “WTF, that’s a boundary for me in any sort of romantic connection (unless they have kids together, which it’s not in my case)”.
First week post-breakup, we spoke every now and then. One incident occurred where I went out for lunch and told her I’d chat later, and she freaked out and spammed my phone with messages and missed calls thinking I was going on another date with a woman. I was not, I told her I went out for lunch with a mate who recently moved into town. She seemed to understand yet was still upset that I didn’t tell her who and where I was going. This made me think that she was maybe wanting to work things out with me (not sure why I thought this).
During this time I had some run-ins with toxic family members and it didn’t help my emotional state at all, so it resulted in me posting statuses and whatnot leaning more towards the sadder side of things.
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Two weeks post-breakup, she is now in a new relationship (probably a rebound) and flaunting it all over social media. When I saw that, my immediate thought was “Oh that’s probably the ex that messaged her.” I decided to block her on WhatsApp and remove her off all social media platforms. She reached out to me via SMS, flippen SMS, to call me childish for blocking her, and for posting those statuses, and I cannot face the fact that she has found someone new and has a “connection” with him. I unblocked her, sent her a message along the lines of “I have made peace with the fact we didn’t work out, I hope you two make each other happy. You don’t know whats going on in my life, so no, those statuses weren’t for you. And I’m blocking you so I can move on, as I had the intention of being romantic with you when we met, and being friends is not on the cards for me. And out of respect for your new partner, as we have history, and I’m not about to meddle in someone’s relationship.” And then I proceeded to block her again.
Ever since I told her off, I have experienced an energetic and mental shift where I feel much better. Yes I do still have feelings for her, and miss her from time to time, and wonder what we could’ve been, but those thoughts are becoming far and few in-between. I’m taking this time to invest in myself. I’ve started sleeping and eating better, going to the gym, spending time with friends and family, and networking and meeting new people (not dating though). And it is working wonders for me. My overall emotional and mental state has drastically improved.
Now, for your situation, you have stated that it’s been three months and you haven’t received a text from her. You did tell her that if she has a change of heart about dating, then she can reach out. I would stick with what you said here. If you reach out to her to see if she is okay, she might interpret that as you being needy or wanting to try force something that she might not be ready for. Accepting being friends after being romantic with someone will only hurt you in the long run. Like it did in my case, I saw my ex with someone new, and it hurt like a kick in the gonads.
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Yes you’re missing her, yes you most likely still have feelings for her, but she has told you that she doesn’t mind losing you as a potential romantic partner. You need to accept and respect that and move on. Don’t go and try fill the void of you missing her by talking to other women, you’ll only hurt yourself, and those other women in the long run, potentially starting a rebound relationship with one of them.
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It’s always a sketchy grey area when exes are still hanging around (other than them having kids or share property, such as a lease, together) because why are they still there in the background? They’re an ex for a reason, and if they’re still around when you’re in a new relationship, things can get messy.
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How many months prior to you two meeting did her relationship end with her ex? If it’s under 3 months give or take, then usually that is a rebound relationship. If that is the case, I’m sorry to say, but you might’ve been the rebound.
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During this time of “No Contact” focus on yourself. Focus on work/school, go out with friends, pick up new hobbies, go experience things that you’ve never tried before. Basically go out and live life and surround yourself with people who love and care for you, and go meet new people, even if it’s just on a platonic level. AND INVEST IN YOURSELF, do things that make YOU truly happy. If it’s meant to be for you and her, then she will make her way back to you. If it’s not meant to be, you would’ve done the self work and become a better version of yourself for your future partner, and most importantly, for yourself.