As a 34 y.o. who’d never been married, I was sort of feeling like I was in a race against time, especially when it feels like 1 year goes by a lot faster when you’re feeling you’re getting up in your years.
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I know 34 sounds young in relative terms, but for someone who’s never had a family, you could say you’re already behind schedule. So I thought I had it all figured out: great girl I’d known for 3 years, steady job to support both of us and at least 1 potential addition to the family, and a sense of starting a new chapter in my book. Wedding preparations have also been going smoothly. Despite our relatively modest budget, we got a great band playing for us, the menu’s diverse enough, and my cuz got me a sweet deal on [luxury wedding suits from Gentleman’s Guru](https://www.gentlemansguru.com/product-category/wedding-tuxedos/). Sounds like I have it going, right?
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Well, a lot of that took a downturn about two months ago. It was like a lightbulb going off in my brain. Here I was, thinking about turning a new page in my life, when there are so many left unwritten as is. I wanted to play the guitar – I ditched that to work harder and advance in the company. I wanted to see the country – I skipped out to help my brother with his mortgage, who was looking at some serious legal trouble. Heck, I didn’t even get to date that many women before meeting my fiancée. I always felt like I had more urgent matters and time would take a break for me. Now I’m turning 35 and only have a steady job to show for it.
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Don’t think that I’m ungrateful. Having a steady job in our times is worth all the guitar classes in the world, and it’s not like life ends after marriage. But any married fellow will tell you that the free time you do get is not for yourself – it’s for anything/anyone but you, especially if having kids is on the table. I’m afraid of living an unfulfilling life in exchange for checking all the standard boxes: husband, father, exemplary worker. At the same time, I’m feeling apprehensive about carrying on with the bachelor’s way for too long. It’s cool when you’re 27, but when you’re 34? How long will it last until you start feeling like life isn’t going anywhere? Damned if you do…
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Is there any way to marry (no pun intended) the two sides, or is it just too late for compromises when you’re 30+, and you have to choose one or the other?
16 comments
Nothing you’ve mentioned as unfinished/unlived joys are non-compatible with being married. They’re not mutually exclusive…
Getting married just means you get to do them with your best friend now. Want to travel teh country? You have someone to share the memories with. Want to learn to play the guitar? Now you have an audience to play for. You want some solo time to just be alone? Guess what… Just ask for it. In fact, I suggest both of you planning individual time away from each other whether it be an hour a day, one day per week, or a weekend every few months. Whatever works for you.
Getting married does not mean choosing one way of life or another. It means ADDING to one way of life or another.
It kinda sounds like you just don’t want to have kids. Have you told this to your partner?
I don’t want kids and have been upfront about that with everyone I’ve dated. I too, value my free time
It certainly isn’t an either/or. I mean, yes, you’ll give up the bachelor lifestyle, but the other stuff you’re afraid of missing isn’t related to marriage. Any decent partner – and if you love her enough to propose I’m sure she is that – will understand that marriage doesn’t mean you morph into an amorphous relationship blob.
My wife and I have known each other for 14 years, dated for four and got married last year. We’re very clear on the importance of self-care: She has time for her hobbies and I do for mine. We haven’t had kids yet but there I take a lesson from my own parents: They were lucky enough to earn well and promised each other that they would take a holiday every year, even if it was just a staycation. As a family we went to something like six or seven countries by the time we turned five.
Life doesn’t end at marriage, it gets richer.
Buddy, talk about this with your fiancée. Your partner should help/encourage you to achieve your goals and be the best possible version of yourself (and you should do the same for her). Sure, there’s compromise involved, but that doesn’t mean “give up everything you wanted to do.”
As you approach any major milestone I think it’s probably pretty normal to look back at your life and wonder “what if?”. But doing that can be dangerous, because you can’t change the past, and the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
I’m 39, have only been married a couple of years, and have a young son. I still have time for a guitar lesson and a martial arts class every week, a successful career, date nights with my wife a couple of times a month, going to see a gig once a month, and a few of weekends away with my friends in the year. Things aren’t as ‘wild’ as before I got married, and have got even quieter since having a kid, but I’m way more content. Life is really good.
I’m not sure what you’re asking in your post, though? It seems like you’ve already checked out and decided you don’t want to get married. If that’s not that case, then it’s really noticeable that you don’t really mention how you feel about your future wife, like as a person. Do you want to build an exciting new future together with her? Is the ‘bachelor life’ more fulfilling to you than the possibilities offered in a marriage? There’s absolutely a way to enjoy life in the way you want to AND be a supportive husband/father (happy dad, happy kid!), but you do have to communicate your needs and desires with your family and recognize that they have to come first sometimes. You’re right it’s about balance and compromise, but through being open and clear with your partner it doesn’t have to be difficult, I don’t think.
I can tell you that being a father can be very fulfilling, more so than anything else I’ve done. And a good partnership means someone who supports your hobbies when practical. Do you think there are no fathers who play guitar? Because there certainly are. Most rock stars are fathers! Now maybe they have to run to get groceries after the gig instead of getting wasted with the boys, and maybe not, but you can make it work if you communicate honestly.
So the real question is what’s at risk? And how much personal freedom to you need to be fulfilled, and can you find fulfillment in service to others? Life is better with others in my experience. But there are ways to leave as well, so it’s not permanent, and kids grow up and stop relying on you as well.
Sure, don’t have kids lol
I got married and am doing all the things I wanted to do as we chose to not have kids.
A lot of your checkboxes don’t matter to me (father, exemplary worker), I have a good job that pays well that I work 40 hours a week and leave it at the door and live my life.
It seems like you have a lot of uncertainty about what you even want right now, this is perfect reason to go to therapy to find out what you really want right now and what you want in the future. We can’t make you feel more certain when you’re feeling so uncertain about what you even want.
Why is there a link advertising a product in this advice post? Where you got your wedding suits is an extraneous detail and makes this feel like some ad exec got the bright idea to do guerilla marketing through viral reddit advice posts.
Bro you need some serious premaritial counseling.
When I got married I in no uncertain terms told my wife I am going to be playing a lot of videogames. If she has a problem with that don’t get married to me. She doesn’t control my free time and I don’t control hers. I hear my buddies wish for free time because their wives have them scheduled for shit they dont want to do but they feel they can’t speak out.
Having kids is not necessary for a good marriage. You want to work one problem at a time and when you get married you want to make sure that you have a solid foundation before you throw kids into the mix.
My life is amazing and I feel it keeps getting better by the day. You just have to be honest about the type of life you want and avoid women who want to make you their only hobby.
Your wife should encourage you and make your life better, not limit it. So if you think you have to choose between a fulfilling life and your wife, maybe she is not meant to be your wife. And trust me, you’d rather be a 39 years old bachelor than a 39 years old divorced father of 2
“Any married fellow will tell you that the free time you do get is not for yourself.”
I have literally never heard this from my married friends nor have I heard it from my buddies in serious relationships.
It sounds like you have a warped view of what a healthy relationship can and should be. Not necessarily your fault; maybe you’ve been surrounded by people in relationships that don’t allow the two people in them to still be individuals, but no matter what the point is that you’re listing a bunch of stuff you can still do while being committed, married, etc.
I don’t know exactly why you think this stuff is mutually exclusive but I’d work on addressing that with you and your partner instead of continuing to see a relationship in this way.
I got married at 23 and it is still going strong. Even with two kids I am still meeting my personal and professional goals. Nothing you said can’t be done. Heck, if she is interested in the same things you can experience it together. My daughter is six and she is now doing pc gaming with me. My son is 8 and we are working on our soccer skills together. He is also getting better at gaming and we have a blast.
Lol.
This is an elaborate marketing gimmick.
Have you considered consulting [your husband and twins] (https://old.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/10drr5y/i_cant_get_in_a_car_after_an_accident/) about the situation? They might have some advice they can give.
This is a fake post, they’re marketing the suits… Its happening on a lot of other subreddits I’m on as well
For someone whom has been married 4 times before 50 believes….. my first 3 I went down the isle with unresolved reservations, fears, and doubt. I knew I should of walked away and two of the engagements were attempts to save the relationships. If something doesn’t feel right, it is not right and marriage DOES NOT fix any prexisting conditions.