Why does level-headedness make angry people angrier?

47 comments

1. Just to clarify, I know the first paragraph isn’t enough to comment on my particular situation, but just in general yknow?

2. Because they’re angry that you’re not responding how they want and making them feel guilty or like they’re over reacting.

   It’s not you, it’s them. You’re always better off by controlling your anger

3. It’s how they learned to deal with situations growing up, if they didn’t listen, that’s how they were treated and it perpetuates through generations. You dealt with the situation appropriately and unfortunately the other person has never learned that

4. Because they lack self restraint.

5. Some people want a fight. They want to be able to let out their feelings by exploding and screaming at you. They can’t do that without looking ludicrous and feeling embarrassed if you argue in a mature, healthy manner.

6. Bc then it looks like you’re winning.

7. Ah – that’s someone who has serious anger issues.

   I can understand getting frustrated if they ask you to do something and you don’t do it. They have a right to be angry at that. But unless the thing you didn’t do resulted in someone getting injured / killed / or causing massive damage – yelling and screaming is usually an overreaction.

8. You set a boundary and it makes them angry.

9. Unfortunately my mom does this. She wants me to instantly do things her way or she freaks out. I’m way older and just out of surgery at home so she’s been staying here but going bonkers. Lol.

10. Because people want to get a reaction out of you. When they see that you are not fazed by their anger, you indirectly communicate to them that they’re anger and problem has no value to you. Not being emotional to a people’s ultimatum is an extremely effective way of showing them that they are not important enough.

11. Hi. I’m an angry person. For me it’s a couple things folded on top of each other.

    First and foremost, if I were angry with a family member and they responded as you did, I’d be offended. I’m not a child, but now I’m being treated like one for being upset. Whether or not I deserve that treatment (worth saying that sometimes that’s a yes, but sometimes it’s a no. Sometimes anger is a valid response depending on others’ behavior) doesn’t matter. The response is the same. I feel like I’m being treated like a child. And furthermore, I feel like you’re not acknowledging that I’m upset. I feel you’re trying to flatten my emotions instead of acknowledging them. For me, I need a person to understand and acknowledge my upset to move forward. Being shut down makes it feel worse. It also makes me defensive, because I feel unheard and mocked. I learned to be angry in order to protect myself, so feeling defensive makes the anger even worse. Those feelings then exponentially compound one another, escalating until a breaking point.

    A few things of note:

    1) I’m not saying their behavior is ok or reasonable. In this case, I don’t think it is. But I do think I understand it. Not the initial escalation, but the ramp up after being essentially told to calm down. Most folks hate that, and it’s worse if you’re instinctually defensively angry.

    2) This is just my experience. Plenty of folks experience and express anger for different reasons, in different ways.

    3) Sometimes anger is a justified reaction to how folks are treated, and sometimes it’s not. It’s situational. If someone’s acting like a douchecanoe and I respond with anger, being told to then calm down is shitty. Not having those feelings acknowledged is shitty. I don’t want to justify irrational or violent anger, I just want to remind that anger isn’t a universal evil.

    4) You didn’t do anything wrong. Your goal was to de-escalate. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t. My only goal here is to offer what insight I can.

    EDIT: For peace of mind, just want to say this is something I’m working on because I know it’s a problem. I’m really not trying to say any of it is the right way to respond, I’m just trying to be honest about what it feels like. I only took chances to emphasize anger isn’t always wrong because some folks struggle to defend themselves or acknowledge their own anger. That makes it hard to know what to do with it or be honest about it. To me it’s important to see anger as a tool that, like any tool, can be helpful or harmful depending on use.

    EDIT 2: I’ve gotten a couple questions about how to respond to an angry person, asking about acknowledgements and all that. That stuff is nice and can help *sometimes,* but it’s important to know that de-escalating an angry person is not your responsibility. It’s on the angry person to do work on themselves, recognize their triggers, and sort themselves out. It’s not on you.

    I want to answer honestly to those questions, but also it’s making me a little itchy. It makes me worried. If you’ve got a partner or friend who’s got totally unmanaged anger, they’re the ones who need to get their shit together. (When I answered this question originally, it was just to answer OP’s question about “why do they do that” plainly and honestly by explaining what it feels like to the angry person. I’m not trying to tell a bunch of folks in abusive relationships how to better not be abused, here.)

12. It’s called a mirror neuron gap

    The bigger the difference in body language between two people, the less understood the angry person feels

    Read just listen by mark Goulstein psychiatrist

13. Because it could come across as passive aggressive or condescending to some. Also, no one likes being told to calm down when they are angry.

    It is probably still better to keep your cool than to escalate.

14. Lack of control over their own emotions and wanting the other person to feel as they do

15. I would assume people that yell are the parent type that have used it on their spouse/kids with great success. They want you afraid of them. That’s really the whole point of someone shouting at someone else. You not being afraid of them makes them feel neutered.

16. Because the agenda of their anger may be to invoke anger from someone else

17. It doesn’t, as a general statement. There’s a reason the first rule of dealing with angry or escalated people is to stay calm yourself.

18. *“Why do some people get angrier when you’re keeping your voice at a low, remaining calm and asking them to do the same?”*

    I don’t know, but it sure is fun.

19. Cooler heads prevail. It means that while things are tense and people are upset balance responses are the best.

20. They got mad that you didn’t take the bait and also get mad. They want a screaming match and you didn’t give it to them

21. Because you’re making them look bad.

22. You failed on a commitment. Of course they are going to be angry. It sucks to try and count on someone and they fuck that up. You should apologize and not escalate the situation you caused?

23. “People who get angry when you set boundaries were benefiting from you not having any.”

    Something I heard once.

24. TLDR; You don’t tell an angry person to “calm down”, OP not in the wrong, but not in the right either.

    ​

    I’m seeing a lot of bullshit responses to this and you’re all giving OP the impression they’re totally in the right, OP is ‘less wrong’ but they’re still wrong. What OP is stating is ‘Why does pissing someone off when they’re angry make them angrier’.

    ​

    A twelve year old could tell you one of the best ways to piss someone off when they’re pissed off is to tell them to ‘calm down’, OP just did a long winded version of that. Let’s give an example, let’s say someone is on their period, and you say to them ‘It must be that time of month again eh’ it doesn’t matter if you’re right all you’re doing is exaccerbating the situation.

    OP you’re not wrong, but you’re not in the right either, if you’d have told them that statement after the angry outburst when they had calmed down then you’d have avoided the increased anger, expecting someone to match your energy right away can only be expected from the totally self controlled or mentally unstable. You’re asking too much.

25. There’s a lot to go through here with what you’ve said.

    > In no less than 20 seconds, it escalated to them clenching their fits, shouting, swearing, etc. The reason for this being that I asked them to stop raising their voice at me and that I wasn’t going to participate in the conversation anymore if it continued, thus making them clench their fists, shout, etc.

    In general, humans may feel anger when something happens that is not in their control. So, a lot of people (especially – but not limited to – those who do not have proper emotional regulation skills) can react angrily to behaviour from others that they feel they cannot control.

    However, I noticed this in your post:

    > where one of my family members were angry at me for not doing something at the time they wanted me to do it.

    This may change things, depending on what the context was. If it is something that they told you about prior, and you did not follow through, they might be (justifiably) mad at this, especially if it’s a behaviour you often do.

    Regardless of the above being true or not, and since you asked about why this happens generally, it is possible that the other party is feeling angry that you focus more on their tone rather than what they asked of you, because it can feel like you are dismissing their concerns.

    Think about this in the reverse – let’s say you had a group project (school or work, whatever stage of life you’re at), and you asked someone in that group to get something done by a certain date to make a deadline. Then, you come back later to check on them. Imagine then, that the person tells you that they don’t appreciate your confrontation of them. Regardless of whatever your tone was when you raised the concern, or whether they got it done or not, you may start to feel some level of frustration that the other party’s priority concern appears to be your communication tone/method, but not the raised issue itself. One of the possible reasons for that frustration could be that it may make you feel like they care more about being interrupted than your justified concern about the thing that needed to get done, or that they may be ignoring you. It probably doesn’t feel good, right?

    Now, your family members may be expressing that frustration at unreasonable levels and with unreasonable behaviours/tones, but it doesn’t necessarily invalidate their core concerns, which leads me to the response for what you said here:

    > As this isn’t the first time I’ve had this with people, I thought “Why do some people get angrier when you’re keeping your voice at a low, remaining calm and asking them to do the same?”

    It might be because you only address their tone rather than follow up with their concern, which can be perceived as rude, and trigger an even more intense response from the other party.

    One way you can set your boundaries while still validating their concerns is not to immediately ask them to stay calm, but rather, just speak more slowly and calmly in response to what they’re concerned about. Telling someone directly to “calm down” or just addressing their tone directly almost never works, but humans in general can start to regulate their own emotions by mirroring what other people are expressing, so they may calm down more if you just approach it gently. (This is why arguments can also *intensify* if you were to hypothetically yell back instead.) Asking someone to calm down can also come off as accusatory, which someone who is not emotionally regulated can misinterpret very easily. Even people with good tempers will not act rationally when angry, and it isn’t productive to throw fuel onto the fire when it’s not in a controlled state.

    If they are not calming down after your attempts to address the situation gently, my suggestion is to then state something along the lines of, “It seems like the emotions from this discussion are very intense right now. Can we come back to this discussion in 15 minutes?” Do not say anything that directly highlights the other party’s tone (like your example in which you tell them to not raise their voice) because of the reasons stated above. This acts as an invitation, but it is *then* that you can assert your boundaries and walk away regardless. But you do have to follow up and return to the discussion with them afterwards. (Some people will continue their fit because their emotions are still not regulated yet when you do, so you either have to leave and come back later when they’re calmed down, or just give your calm response then and there. Even if they do not politely entertain your response, a lot of the time, they’ll be processing your response slowly in the background.)

    These approaches not only help de-escalate the situation, but also shows that you are still listening and considering their concerns. Yes, this puts some of the emotional regulation burden on you, so you have to make the decision on if the people you’re talking to are worth being patient with. With communication and cooperation, it’s not always about who’s fault it is, who started it, and/or who is being aggressive, but rather, just trying to get things done while trying to maintain connections and reputations that matter.

    —

    EDIT: If you need further reasoning for why you should be trying to cooperate and be prosocial even if they’re not nice to you first, think of it like this: You are human, and thus, you will interact with other humans in your life. Human interactions involve an exchange in resources (whether that resource be physical, mental, emotional, or time). In your life, you will likely either ask people for help at some point. When you do this, you want the other person whom you are asking this resource from to be dependable (i.e. attentive, helpful, responsive, prompt, predictable). You also don’t want someone to make you feel bad when you do this. This applies to most people. Thus, it is beneficial to an individual to demonstrate that they are a dependable person, and also assess whether others are dependable. (This is also why people dislike having attention brought to any anti-social or non-dependable behaviours. You are not immune from this either, as evidenced in some of your comments in this thread.) Taking from this, you as an individual should try your best to communicate that you are dependable, especially to people who have potentially valuable relationships with you. This often means that what is factually correct or “in the right” won’t matter.

    In your specific example, while your relative is annoying, it seems that they still contribute to your family in that they are helping you all with your move. In the future, you may also need someone to help you move. Relatives are some of the best relationship resources you can maintain, even if it’s not pleasant. Even though people like to say that friends are better than family because you choose them, the older you get, the more you realize that it is extremely difficult to find and maintain friendships. Relatives are much easier to maintain, as according to societal structures, relatives have a certain level of social obligation to each other. Whether this is stupid and arbitrary or not is irrelevant; the fact is that these structures exist. Moreover, your relative has demonstrated through their actions that they are physically dependable, and therefore, it would likely be beneficial for you to maintain positive relations with this relative in the bigger picture, even if it’s not pleasant in the moment.

26. > Edit: I see a lot of people mentioning what I didn’t do on time. It was putting things in a box because we’re moving – my stuff not his (singular box btw, which turned out to have already been packed way before he started shouting at me)

    Addressing your edit:

    If you’re moving, then the bigger picture dependency is that your family needs for you to have finished packing before they can complete the move. There are a few possible reasons for the anger, in this case.

    – Your relative is worried you haven’t done it yet, potentially because you may be somewhat forgetful in general. In this case, your past behaviours may be inadvertently communicating to others that you are not always dependable in logistics. (I am saying this from past experiences of my own behaviours.)
    – Your relative is nervous and stressed out, and may be behaving more emotionally than normal. This is very common during moving, especially for those who are more involved with the planning, as moving in general can be very stressful. It’s better to make sure everything is packed early, because it is common for people to forget things. Even if you don’t often forget things, for someone who is organizing the move, the anxiety comes from thinking about the extra time that will be needed to account for packing things that were missed, which greatly adds up.
    – Your relative is generally anxious of a person. This would intensify their feelings for the above two reasons, and/or it may generally distort their perception of reality.
    – Some potential combination of all three.

    Regardless, the way you give your response can come off in a way that throws fuel to the fire, even if you are “in the right.” As you practice more social skills and have more experience with social interactions in general, you’ll see more and more that it rarely matters “who is right” if your communication isn’t prosocial.

27. Because the angry person is working on an emotional level, the level headed person is approaching at a non-emotional level. Unless there is active listening and some empathy, that’s a train wreck waiting to happen every time

    Edit: another thing to be aware of are the life events that cause people to lose their grip. These include but aren’t limited to: marriage, divorce, moving, graduation, new job, lost job, death of family member or close friend. So the whole scenario you described was further heightened by the move.

28. If you didn’t do it on time and you’re acting very level headed, this can come off as you not caring and lacking empathy and sympathy towards how they feel.

    I have this issue a lot. It makes people extremely angry when they don’t see your empathy or at least try to sympathize.

29. If it’s a single person or a few, could be they’re an asshole

    If it’s multiple without a common thread, it’s because you’re an asshole

    I can imagine the latter could be you’re ignoring people’s needs and calling it being logical or something

30. You’re trying to apply logic where they only see emotion thus tey are looking for an emotional response instead of a logical one.

31. A lawyer once told me: *“the person who gets mad first, loses.”*

    Stay calm, and let them show their ass.

    Anyway, it sounds like you’re dealing with someone with a Personality Disorder here. That, or simply immaturity, but if we’re talking about an adult, I’d go with the first option.

    You’re doing the right thing. It sounds like you learned to set sensible boundaries and communicate like a rational human being, and that’s awesome.

    If this person continues to behave in this way, your best move is to minimize contact going forward.

32. maybe you should just do it? they probably asked multiple times

33. I have a temper that I’m usually good at controlling. As an angry person I would say it’s because level headedness can come off as dismissive. And honestly, it sounds like you were being pretty dismissive.

    For your situation, level headed = yeah you’re right, I didn’t pack my stuff in time so I’ll do it right now, but please stop yelling at me.

    Dismissive= ok well you’re yelling at me and I don’t like that so I’m not going to participate in this convo anymore and I’m not going to address the problem either byeeeeee. (That’s essentially what you did)

34. Some people use this tactic of deadpan to mentally abuse or gaslight. This is especially hurtful if you did something to cause that anger, and then act like it’s not a big deal. Can feel very abusive if you were raised by a narcissist. The missing action is accountability which can help validate real feelings and not be dismissive.

35. Okay. I don’t care how everyone is sympathizing losing ones temper but one should never lose ones temper. If one party is losing their temper, it’s better than two parties losing their temper ALWAYS.

    Never feel guilty for not escalating.

    Never feel bad for refusing to get baited into a fight (verbal or otherwise)

36. Because they like getting a reaction out of you. They’re already angry and they want to get you all worked up as well. And when you don’t give them that, they get frustrated.

37. People want to have their emotions validated

38. People rect to such situations differently. What you should know is that some people need to raise their voice and escalate things emotionaly. This is how they resolve issues. Telling them to relax does not help, it makes them even more angry as it feels like you are trying to avoid the conversation. Or, for them, it might feel like topic, they are “escalating” for you is not important enough and is not “worth escalating”. Anyone would be upset if they were told that their problem is irrelevan, especially if you told them that you will walk away from the conversation.

    Since there are plenty of people who act this way, there are few good tips on how to deal with them.

    Since I personally like to talk things through calmly or only after doing some thinking about the issues, I try to express my interest in the topic first, so other person would feel that I care. Next, I try to lower my voice and talk slower. This makes other person feel like he/she needs to talk more silently to hear what I am saying. Talking silently makes other person more relaxed, so the situation never goes out of hand.

    Now. How do you control your emotions, when someone yells at you? There is a great book on it. The Four Agreements. It tells that you should always wish best for others and never take things personaly. If other person insults you by calling you an idiot, that does not change who you are, you do not become and idiot. It is also important to understand that this person is raising his/her voice, not because of your fault, but because he was never educated on how not to raise their voice or escalate emotions, when arguing.

    And if you are not willing to adjust yourself in order to controll the situation better, I would wonder whether this other person is the only reason why this social situation escalated.

39. Maybe it’s the perception of indifference? Have you considered maybe though you have every right not to be yelled at but your attitude and lack of care towards an objective might be an issue?

    Believe meI’m on your side on this but if this happens more than once with multiple people – then you lack the social skill of empathy.

    If this happens with one individual in particular par example a parent – then they may have anger issues and you must do better at contributing towards your task such as chores.

    If this is a one time thing then you’re all good. The yelling individual probably had a bad day or like I said anger issues.

    Be honest with yourself when selecting which case you are.

40. It was not your tone of voice. It was what you said. You sounded like a judgmental prick

41. Imagine it like this, when you’re hot and take a cold shower you’re gonna feel the cold a lot more than when you’re already freezing. Meanwhile if you gradually change the temperature you’re gonna get on a comfy level without even realising it

    That’s basically people when they’re angry. When you respond reasonably they’re gonna feel you’re undermining their feelings and aren’t taking them seriously, they’re gonna feel like you feel what they’re yelling about isn’t worth yelling about.

    A way more effective method is to match their tone and slowly de escalate, but that’s neither for everyone nor for everywhere

42. When you don’t get defensive they can’t dominate you. It hurts their wittle feewings when they can’t establish control.

43. This happens often? Maybe it is you. It likely is you. Not saying that your family member is not responsible for managing their emotion.

    If you have a problem with people being upset with you for not doing something on time over and over again then you are reinforcing the TRUTH that you don’t value anyone but yourself and your own time.

    You recognize this happens over and over. You keep doing it. You expect people to adjust to you and are passive in expressing this. Tell your family upfront you don’t plan on being accountable to their timeline of expectations upfront. That way they will know where to prioritize you in their lives too.

    Good luck!

44. They see the situation as you acting smug and superior. Even tho it’s not true it makes them feel worse and also angrier at you

45. Because they want you on their level, and you’re wayyy above it.

46. I read a scientology book to see what they were about, and the only thing I remember was the book said, if a person is really angry, you match their emotion, but several steps toned down. This makes them feel like you’re empathizing with them, and listening to how they feel, while remaining in control. Same with any other intense emotion, although I don’t think that would work for severe anxiety. This could be completely wrong, the concept of matching the emotion. I’d say if the grey rocking technique doesn’t work, and you’re in a potentially volatile situation, give it a try.

47. You don’t need to be around these people. It is a cruel world, set up your own life and leave them.