Hi I’m gonna try and make this quick and brief. I’m a 26F. I was in a toxic relationship years back that really traumatized me. As a result I’ve remain celibate for the last 3 years. Through lots of therapy I’ve been now interested in putting myself back out there but I also want to have fun for a while being casual and exploring myself sexually before looking for anything serious. I’m on the Feeld dating/kink app and have made it clear that I expect my partners to be tested prior to any funny business so that we can both be safe and have fun.
After MONTHS on the app I was able to finally filter out and find people I feel comfortable exploring with. I just had a date with one of them. I like him a lot, he’s been very kind and patient, respectful and he’s also handsome. There’s was chemistry when we were on the date and honestly I feel comfortable to have sex with him. I told him that I was comfortable moving forward and having more dates before eventually getting down and dirty and he immediately informed me that he is positive for type 2 herpes. And that he wanted me to have all the information before jumping into anything. He said that he unfortunately was infected when he was young. (He’s 35) I told him that I liked him but I would need to conduct some research before anything and he said he completely understood.
So I’ve done some research on the matter and am trying to be responsible. But idk what to do. Here’s what’s going through my head,
1. I like him and I really appreciate that he told me immediately. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him. 😔 but this is also something casual, how significant is the risk to me, a woman who isn’t positive for type 2 herpes (I am positive for type 1, contradicted as a child but my doctor has told me is very common and the majority of people have it so not to worry. I also rarely get flare ups but if I do obviously don’t make out with anyone)
2. Say I do tell him no, I’m still interested in casual sex and the more research I do looking into the matter the more I’m seeing how common herpes is. I’ve seen statistics stating like 1 and 5 people have it. That’s pretty common. And if that’s the case this is something I’ll need to take into consideration with everyone since people can also carry the virus and not know.
3. If he uses a condom and I use a dental dam would that help me chances of not getting it? And what if the sex is rough (we’ve been chatting and we’re both into that) would we need to not be rough to ensure the condom doesn’t break or something.
4. If you’re a woman and have experience in the matter can you please tell me when preventative measures you took or tips.
We’re going on another date this Friday and we’re gonna talk more about this but I just wanted to see him with already having some information.
Also please spare me any abstinence talk. No thank you. Did it for 3 years. I’m good.
Please and thank you everyone!
11 comments
Is he on daily medication for herpes? Is he currently having a flare up? If he’s not in an active episode and you use a condom, you’re most likely ok.
The thing about herpes, though, is that there’s never a zero percent chance of catching it from a partner who has it! You will be putting yourself at risk every time you have sex with him, unfortunately.
“he immediately informed me that he is positive for type 2 herpes. And that he wanted me to have all the information before jumping into anything.”
He’s already 5 steps ahead of the game here. As your research has told you, a LOT of people are HSV+ and many have no idea because most people don’t get tested for STIs ever.
That said, HSV is pretty easy to manage for most people and the general rule of thumb is that unless you’re having an active outbreak it’s pretty uncommon to transmit to another person. If he’s on top of it, keeping track of if he has outbreaks and when and on any kind of suppression medication then your risk of getting HSV is pretty low.
Obviously your choice and comfort level is yours to have but sex in and of itself carries a risk of many different things so look at the risks and potential rewards and do what you think is right.
Many people have it and don’t know it as standard std testing does not have it on the panel (and it’s expensive to get the full panel). With casual sex there’s a degree of risk already. Obviously you can require 10 panel testing but that’s like ~200 dollars for sex.
This isn’t to say it’s not more risky to have this partner but at least the risk is known. If they take the daily antiviral, use condoms and monitor for symptoms the risk is very manageable but not 0. I’ve read about partners who don’t use condoms but an antiviral and monitor and they’ve had sex for a long time without transfer. There’s known statistics for each case so you can think about that for yourself.
Last thing is the “what if” you caught it. People say the worst part of it is the stigma as in most cases it’s pretty asymptomatic, often without medication. The worst case tho is monthly painful outbreaks… so again, risk. Typically it gets less severe with time if that happened. If you have a “strong immune system” your experience is probably better but that’s all kinda psyuedo science as I lack info.
this seems like a question you should be asking your doctor, but condoms and dental dams do decrease risk, though herpes is transmitted through skin contact so your risk will not be that much lower unless he’s also taking antivirals, in which case your risk would be similar to that of pregnancy with a condom. I’m curious why you feel that avoiding kissing during flares of HSV1 is sufficient for your partners but you’re not willing to do the same for someone with HSV2? It seems to me that there’s very little difference there.
he’s almost 10 yrs older than you and has herpes… you probably have tons of options, i’d definitely not risk it especially he’s just offering casual
I was in the same situation 10 years ago. The woman i started seeing informed me and I went and talked to my doctor. Basically there is no guarantee to prevent transmission. Condoms and dental damns are only effective for those specific areas touching. HSV2 is present outside of the penis and vagina. He can go on daily suppressive therapy which also reduces exposure. But ultimately your relationship will get to the point where you want to stop using condoms and fully experience eachother. At that point you need to proceed as if you’re ok with contracting it. I ultimately did contract it. I was 40 then. I have no regrets at all. She is the love of my life and we’ve been together since then and married for 5 years.
Outbreaks aren’t very bad. The first one or two really sucked. NGL… But as you go on they aren’t much to think about. I take a Valtrex for a couple days and it goes away. And the sores are barely noticeable. There is a stigma to herpes that we’re all walking around with festering blisters all over our bodies. In reality I get one tiny sore every couple of months that goes away with a couple pills.
I know someone personally (Male) who has herpes and him and his girl is going 5 years strong unprotected and she has yet to catch it. The key is to never do anything while the person is having an outbreak from what I hear
This is a 100% deal breaker for me.
Informed by my experiences, I’d approach it like this:
Even with perfect condom game, you can still contract it, even if he has no signs of current outbreak. Others have described this enough already. The odds are high enough that you should just assume that you will, for the purposes of gaming out what you should do.
If he’s someone with whom who you think you have a future and that feeling is mutual, proceed. Carefully. Herpes isn’t bad enough to reject the prospect of a good future life with someone.
If he’s just fling material, or you’re in a fling mindset, skip it. Having herpes will narrow your future options greatly.
I asked my gyn a question about herpes recently-he said if the infected person is taking suppressant drugs, the non-infected person has a 2 or 3 percent chance of catching it.
My husband has it. 8 years of sex later and I have never had any sign of it 🤷♀️. It all comes down to your comfort level. As a medical professional I see it as nothing more than a skin issue, so the thought of contracting it didn’t bother me any.