Hi all.
My father passed away last week. Long story short, his funeral “plan” isn’t worth anything and we have to arrange and pay for everything from scratch. Making things more complicated, it’s being arranged by his 4 different children (including me): myself and my sister from one relationship and my half brother and sister from my dad’s previous relationship. This is only the second or third time we’ve actually met one another.
We’re in North West London and it’s looking like the plot to bury him in is going to cost £4k alone. They (half siblings) would also want to do a wake with food etc. My dad was a popular person and this couldl number well into the hundreds.
Dad passing was no surprise, but he always told us he had his funeral sorted so to find out it wasn’t is a shock and not something any of us have financially prepared for. I’m just looking for any tips or tricks to keep the overall funeral cost to a bare minimum.
I was thinking of doing something like having the wake but various people bringing batches of food and keeping the numbers to just family only. Slight issue with that is I don’t think it’s something my half siblings would want to do. I’ve also looked into burial grants but don’t think we quality.
Edit – cremation is not really an option. Dad definitely wanted burial and it doesn’t sit well with the family to go completely against that.
36 comments
Sorry for your loss, first and foremost. Second, with things like these the easiest way to navigate it is to be open about where you’re at financially. I did a similar thing with a relative a few years ago and we ended up contributing proportionately to what we could reasonably afford. I contributed the lowest as I have a young child and not much by way of disposable income. My relatives contributed significantly more as they had it to spare and wanted to. Once we had the conversation, there was an opportunity for people to volunteer what they could or couldn’t do and it really did help. We ended up having the perfect send off which was financed across many in different ways. I would definitely suggest ripping the plaster off and letting them know where you’re at.
On the more extreme end you can refuse to pay anything and the council will sort it all. Less extreme, you may be entitled to funeral benefits.
Otherwise, consider cremation? Your idea on a wake sounds fine.
Just flat out refuse to pay for anything. Eventually he will be given a state funeral for free and probably cremated.
Don’t put yourself into debt for a funeral. As a father, I wouldn’t want my children spending a penny on me.
Burials are very expensive. There are all sorts of ongoing costs to consider too. The gravestone won’t be cheap and you’ll have to pay the council to proof read the text.
I got slapped with a bill a few years back because my mother’s grave stone wobbled more than 2 inches. She died over 10 years ago. Council money grab. None of us paid.
Just be aware of all of this.
Keep costs down by only having one vehicle. One simple wreath, minimum funeral staff, simple coffin.
I’m sorry for your loss. I agree that being open about personal circumstances with your other siblings will be a help here, it may initially be a bit embarrassing but if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it, and I know my dad would be mortified if either of his kids went into debt to pay for his funeral – the fact that your dad had set up a funeral plan indicates to me that he wouldn’t want that to happen.
Regarding the funeral plan itself, it may be possible to [make a complaint](https://www.financial-ombudsman.org.uk/consumers/complaints-can-help/complaints/pre-paid-funeral-plans).
Did he have any bank/saving accounts with cash in them? You can speak to his bank and use that money for reasonable funeral costs. You may need to go into a branch with his death certificate and a will of you are executors of his estate.
To make funerals cheaper, skip any limos/cars and book taxis most will have done it before so you can phone and bulk book and they will turn up early on the basis that you need to wait. Do the catering yourself, lots of supermarkets do platters of sandwiches and you can then do crisps, quiche, cooked chicken legs etc. Also look at which day you hold the funeral, Saturdays are more expensive.
If you’re trying to keep costs down why a burial plot. Cremation would be cheaper and perfectly acceptable.
Lots of pubs have function rooms which they charge nothing or very little for, as they get their money over the bar. Catering can be done quite cheaply if home made (which is a very nice touch I always think).
You need to be open with the funeral director about the fact there isn’t a lot of money for the funeral. They’ll be used to this and will know where you can get grants etc.
If there’s no money, then a crematorium funeral will be the cheapest. If that’s not acceptable to the rest of the family then I’d tell them the amount of money I’m willing to contribute and let them find the rest.
For the wake, I’d hire somewhere we could take our own food then arrange with the family what everyone is making/taking. We’ve always done that for occasions and it works well. You can only ever guesstimate who’s going to turn up so I’d suggest a number in your head, cater for that and once it’s gone, it’s gone.
So sorry for your loss
Edit
I just remembered, when my brother died a couple of years ago aged 65, the funeral director told us he was entitled to a certain sum for his funeral because he hadn’t started claiming his state pension
Abou £1300 for a cremation only funeral. There’s no service ,they tell you what day they’re doing the cremation( Usually a few weeks as they do them in bulk) and the ashes are couriered to you.
Source:Have lost to many people in the last few years
In the end, you have to make a decision as a family on how to proceed. It seems your Dad would have liked to be buried, but had no intention of financially burdening his family. It has turned out that the funeral plan he put in place cannot cover the costs of the ideal funeral, so you need to evaluate firstly if you think your dad would choose to have family cover these costs given their circumstances. If the answer is yes, then you have to establish what each family member is willing to contribute. This could be based on fixed amounts, or in taking on each parts of the cost, for example if someone wants an expensive coffin then allow them to pay for it. If there is one or two people who insist on a burial then allow them to pay for the plot. If someone is willing to make food rather than buy it, or provide drink then let them do this.
A horribly emotional time to deal with a complex situation.
So speak to the rest of the family explain what you can and can’t afford, the funeral arranger should know what’s available on your dad’s plan if it’s not a lot then it will be a basic coffin and car , unfortunately new grave fees are a lot , if dad was on benefits then there should be a grant available, sometimes there are finance plans available but it would have to be one specific person that applies for it , you don’t have to have flowers you can say donations only to xyz charity if there was one close to dad’s heart etc the funeral arranger should be able to help you keep costs down to a minimum just explain to them , if you do want flowers then speak to florist and ask their prices as it will be different than going through the funeral home for them
So sorry for your loss! Sounds like ‘Down to Earth’ is who you need to speak to as they will assist with practical support and guidance around funeral costs. You can call them on 020 8983 5055.
Sorry to hear this. I agree with people saying don’t get into debt for this.
But are you completely sure there’s nothing that can be done about the funeral plan he had? Regulations have changed so you can now complain to the Financial Ombudsman Service, it’s free and simple to do online.
Firstly, sorry for your loss. Secondly, and to be blunt, your late father isn’t going to know what sort of service you hold or whether he will have been buried or cremated. Therefore, if there is a shortage of funds, you do what works for you.
Also, remember that the estate can pay for the costs. You commented elsewhere that he had ~£1,500 in savings, but are there any other assets? Did he own his own home, a car etc?
First of all, I’m really sorry for your loss.
If you can do without a procession with limo(s) following the hearse, that’s an expense saved. My sister’s funeral a few months ago added about a grand to the total cost. Partly because of where the hearse was travelling from to collect us then proceed to the crematorium.
There are some funeral directors who are online only, no shop fronts which may be slightly cheaper. I can recommend the one I used if you like, think they’re just London though.
Other costs are all dependant on wants and needs. How many orders of service, pall bearers, etc.
As someone else said, you can release savings from your dad’s bank account if you provide the death certificate and the funeral invoice/quote.
Graveside service can be a good option – you take a risk with the weather but i think being in nature with birds singing is quite soothing. Im a celebrant and conducted a lovely service this week where a few family members spoke. I generally bring a couple of garden chairs for people who might need to sit down.
As for catering for people – you may want to plan a mid morning service then people may expect a few sandwiches but booze will be less of an issue.
Find the nearest forest and get digging!
You would only need to splash cash on digging tools.
Can you do an unattended burial? I know you can with cremation? If so then do the wake as a memorial in a village hall or similar so you don’t have to buy their buffet and ask people to bring food.
For the wake just go to a pub. Let them know you’ll be coming first. You don’t have to do any food or by people any drinks.
What I didn’t find out until after it was needed, is that you can charge the funeral to his estate (if he has one). I scrabbled around getting what money I could together, thinking the few grand in his bank account was stuck there until after probate.
Sorry for your loss.
Might not help immediately, but it might be worth raising a complaint with your father’s funeral plan provider.
If he was under the impression that it would be covered then he may have been mis-sold the policy.
Raise initially with the policy provider, and if not resolved within 8 weeks, or you’re not happy with the resolution then raise with the financial ombudsmen.
Even the threat of the ombudsmen may get you some compensation as it costs a firm about £600 every time a complaint is referred to FOS, regardless of whether they eventually side with the complainant or not.
Funerals are tricky, and especially if he said he was to be buried but then didn’t actually have anything sorted that makes it worse.
One way to make it cheaper is to do a wake in the church hall after the ceremony, and as you’ve said either get everyone to bring stuff, or ask around and see if anyone would be willing to help with a massive baking and sandwich making lesson.
When I was 10 I helped at a funeral for a mums friends uncle, and it was us kids who did all the serving and stuff and everyone seemed to enjoy it (quite nice also as kids can make especially older generation more cheerful).
Sorry you lost your dad.
The funeral and finances can always be testy as people’s emotions are all over the place at the time.
If you think there’s going to be potential conflict with your half siblings about the funeral, you should be honest about what you can/want to pay.
*There is no shame in having the money but not wanting to pay for a large funeral*.
It’s literally putting money in the ground and if your dad didn’t make provisions for a large funeral, then it’s perfectly fine to not want to finance the difference.
I’m sure you’ve been over this – but is there definitely no funeral plan hidden about that you’ve not discovered yet? Or did your dad underestimate how much it could cost?
The burial plot won’t get much cheaper, especially in NW London, and it might be time again for the tough conversation that if your dad didn’t leave the funds for a burial, then he can’t have a burial.
You could hold a wake in someone’s house/garden and as you say – make food and get in a load of booze and soft drinks. A wake, even for a large amount of people can be done fairly cheaply if you have time to dedicate to the prep.
My uncle died recently and I have watched my cousins go through this. Its made me realise that my parents can make any request they like for their funeral; if they don’t leave the cash to cover it it won’t be happening.
I am not getting into debt, or wiping out my savings, to cover an event they won’t know anything about and didn’t prioritise their finances for.
I did my NVQ IT placement in a funeral directors, even though there were very little I was allowed to do, and also because my speech was not clear I could not deal with the clients
The prices were very high in 2002
Firstly my condolences to you and your siblings.
I’m just curious and hope I’m not overstepping here but why would your Dad assume his funeral was covered, I mean the only way to think that is if it’s a plan that you have been paying into to cover specific costs so seems strange that it would end up being that there was nothing at all.
Also considering that it has turned out that way, I’m sure your Dad wouldn’t want his children going into debt over his funeral and if he could would probably agree to a cremation.
Obviously you and your siblings know that part of the situation best and obviously your Dad.
Just throwing it out there!
Wishing you peace and strength throughout!
Go speak to a funeral director and explain that you need it as cheap as possible. They’ll help. My mum used to work at one and they had this happen a lot
I find the most important thing is to get everyone’s opinion and wants down on paper in a clear way. What are non negotiable items and thing that could be missed. In terms of food I would just recommend Costco as it’s decent and fairly priced and someone always has a Costcos card
Burials are a huge commitment outside of the financials that nobody tells you about, especially when the burial plot has more than one sibling down as the “caretaker” (I don’t know the correct term)
And the reason I mention this is because my Dad and his sister are on the paperwork for the burial plot which means if one sibling wants to change or repair the headstones, the actual grave itself (our family plot is currently sinking on one side) they need permission from the other named party, to go ahead with any work.
My father and his sister have been estranged since the funeral, it’s been 23 years. My father is desperate to repair the grave and has had solicitors try and contact his sister but she never returns communications.
For 23 years my Dad has been the only person to maintain and visit the grave. Every birthday, Mother’s Day, death anniversary etc etc, you name it, he visited. The plot is in West London and he’s lived in Kent for the last 15 years but he never misses his trips down there because he made a promise.
Now unless you’re prepared to take care of the grave and visit often, you’re essentially paying 4k for something to eventually lay there rotting and in disrepair.
It’s also worth reading up on the latest changes and suggestions to the UKs burial problem – we’re running out of space and some councils are now doubling up graves with more than one body. (not at the same time, you’re exhumed, the hole dug deeper, you’re put back in and then a random strangers coffin is plopped above you)
I only know all this as we were discussing funeral plans with my Parents this weekend to avoid the situation you’re currently in. At the end of the discussion, I asked my Dad if knowing what he knows now, would he still choose burial and he said no.
Lots to think about, I’m sorry for your loss xo
if the family very much want a burial they will have to stump up to pay for it. just be honest with your siblings and tell them how much you have to contribute, they can make up the rest if they’re determined to bury rather than cremate.
fwiw my mother’s wake was just tea & cake at her house (i made the cake, but then people brought cakes without being asked so no-one ate mine…) and my uncle’s wake was organised & paid for entirely by his work (was a hotel tho), mostly because his boss & coworkers wanted to be there i think. so there may be other options you’ve not thought of yet, could you put out feelers among his friends, etc. see if anyone has any ideas?
Some good advice here, the only thing I’ll add is to go to a local independent funeral director if you have one near you rather than someone like coop or a similar franchise.
Independents are almost always cheaper and will be far more likely to give you an honest price rather than selling you a coffin with a huge markup etc.
My brother in law runs an independent funeral directors and while not all will be as honest and helpful, I’d say from my experience of him and the other firms he knows most do genuinely care and will do what they can to advise and help families who are on a budget. The chains however very much don’t.
Set-up a crowdfunding if he was popular. Cremation is cheaper than burying.
Realistically, the cheapest way to do the burial is pretty much grave only and no official wake/funeral reception. Saying that, if you do want to go down that route, there are options.
My grandfather passed away on 25 Dec 2022, and he was quite a well-known person and we have a very big family around the UK, so obviously many people wanted to come.
At the cemetery, it was grave only, not making use of the various facilities, etc. It terms of food, my grandfather lived in a terraced house across the road from his son, my uncle. Also, a terraced house. We had food served but arranged it so people would go in batches of 10 at a time and sort of used all the rooms in the 2 houses to hang out.
Obviously, this won’t be everyone, but similarly, he had no funds except his house and a small amount of cash, not even enough for the burial
I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad.
You said that your Dad was popular and that you, the children, are quite spread out, and because you’re not all full siblings, you don’t know each other well, so that’s complicating matters.
Are there any friends of your Dad who would be able to help with the arrangements?
Both practically, in terms of planning and contacting all the necessary people, but also maybe helping out financially?
If your Dad was liked, respected, and cared for by that many people, I think that you’d be surprised by how many would also be willing to help give him the send-off he deserves, even if it’s just showing up to make sandwiches and cups of tea, or put some money behind the bar of a pub.
Did your Dad belong to any organisations? A union, a club, the Legion, or did he even just have a regular pub he used to drink at? If so, you should let them know about the situation – they may be able to help. In some cases, there may even be some small amount of death benefits that his estate is entitled to.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Most people are kind, caring, and want to help. You just have to let them, don’t be too proud or embarrassed.
On a practical note, I’d suggest avoiding the big name florists that everyone uses and look for smaller, independent florists and just have something simple, or look online. It might even be possible to find a local college with a floristry course where you can pay for low cost arrangements?
For cars, again, ask around your Dad’s friends. Do any of them have very nice (respectable, not flashy!) cars, and would they be willing to drive the main family members?
Are you religious at all?
Is having a religious aspect to the funeral important to you and your Dad’s family?
This is something to reflect on as it will come up in the coming days as you make arrangements.
If your family leans to being kinda agnostic C of E, like many still in the UK and does want a religious service then you will have to think of hymns to sing.
Even at non-religious services, you may want to choose music to be played and readings or write something to read out.
Former undertaker here.
First off I’d like to offer my condolences.
Funeral plans, sadly, aren’t usually worth the paper they are written on.
Burials in London are extremely expensive. They aren’t a lot better outside of London but would be cheaper if cremation isn’t an option.
Next I’d suggest looking at cutting anything you don’t need. A limo, for example, is just a very expensive taxi. You could use your own cars to follow the hearse.
A standard cardboard or veneer coffin does the same job as a more expensive one. An advantage to a plain cardboard coffin is that you could have mourners write messages to your dad on it before (or as part of) the service if you wished. It’s a personal touch that can be very meaningful and take some of the stigma away from the ‘cardboard’ aspect as it gives it a purpose.
Embalming isn’t usually necessary either – in my time as an undertaker I did literally thousands of viewings where the deceased hadn’t been embalmed. It’s not legally required and is often pushed on grieving families as some kind of necessity. It isn’t.
The wake could be held at the house of a family member, with guests all bringing food and drink to contribute.
It’s an incredibly stressful time for you and financial decisions are not easy. The thing I always said to families was this; it’s easy to fall into the trap of spending more because ‘it’s what they would have wanted’. But ask yourself this; does what they would’ve wanted include putting yourself in financial hardship just to say goodbye?
If he said he had it all sorted I would look for evidence he did. Maybe a plot already paid for? I doubt he paid the funeral home in advance but who knows?