I am 8 months past my 12 year relationship ending and met someone new that I enjoy spending my time with. I was excited albeit scared to have sex with him, but we ended up reaching that point. It has been extremely overwhelming for me as someone who has spent most of their sex life with one person in missionary – occasionally doggy style -and rarely on top. We also always had sex with the lights off, and I’ve had clitoral orgasms but not vaginal. The more this new guy shared his past sex life with me, the more intimidated I felt despite all of the things I wanted to finally do with my new sex life.
The following things are bothering me:
I can’t relax or enjoy it for long when he goes down on me.
He is seemingly fantastic at going down on me. I get insecure because I’m not used to someone being down there and he spends a long time down there. He fingers me a lot and one day it felt very intense. According to him, he was hitting my g spot, and he had a feeling I had the ability to squirt. I got overwhelmed and asked him to stop because I felt like I was going to pee everywhere. Since then, he’s tried many more times. I try to relax but I still end up having to stop him from being down there because I get overwhelmed. It doesn’t feel bad…it just feels like a lot…and I also feel very on display.
He can’t cum unless we have sex.
I had a feeling because of the patterns I was seeing, but he didn’t admit it until a few days ago when he said me giving him blowjobs was “just going to keep going in circles even though it feels amazing”. When we do have sex, he cums very quickly after he pulls out. This has been frustrating for me for two reasons:
– I don’t always want to have sex, but I am often interested in giving a blowjob otherwise
– I have always been turned on by having my face came on or swallowing a load
The sex is long lasting and can get painful.
He lasts for a long time and it’s tiring. He doesn’t seem interested in trying to go any faster either which makes me question if he really HAS to last that long. He will constantly pause sex for me to blow him. I’m used to things being more quick and honestly don’t mind it that way.
He has a lot of experience with sex toys. I don’t.
I don’t know if I care all that much about incorporating them. At the very least, I at least need us to have more normal sex first but he says “what turns me on is seeing a woman feel pleasure over and over”. He has a liking for buying women toys and using them on them. I’ve only ever used a vibrator on my clit so all the things he would talk about overwhelmed me. I tried to be more adventurous by doing the following for the first time: giving road head, having sex in public (building area at night near the trees with no one around), and buying a rose toy. I felt good and fun about doing those things, and then he started talking about anal play the next day, which I’m pretty sure I have zero interest in. I – again – got overwhelmed because I was still processing the new things that I did end up doing.
I don’t want to have sex as often he does.
He mentioned at one point before we started having sex that he misses having it several times a week. While I’m normally quite horny, I’ve been so overwhelmed that I have no desire to have sex that often. I don’t know that I ever would honestly because sometimes I just want to masturbate.
I’m not confident on top.
He seems to want me on top lately, but I’m terrified because I feel like my stomach gets in the way. I recently lost 70lbs and now weigh 180, but my stomach still hangs. He suggested we get a dildo with a suction for me to practice on because he would enjoy watching me on it. Again, I got overwhelmed. Both the idea of being on top of him and the idea of being watched trying to learn to ride a dildo are giving me anxiety. We have since done neither.
I need to feel clean before having sex.
I don’t like to feel unclean during sex. We were only having sex after I showered whether it was right after or 1-2 hours after. I live in a humid state with big boobs and skin folds. If I feel gross, I can’t relax. I also feel offensive. He claims I don’t smell at all every time I feel that way. I told him I would love to be more spontaneous but it’s hard for me to look past feeling sticky and knowing that I will in fact smell in certain areas. He kept saying “I don’t understand…if I don’t care, why do you care?”. You’d think this might calm me down, but instead I’m just convinced that he doesn’t realize yet how gross I can be. Either way, I can’t relax when I feel gross. He said he felt like we should try slowly getting me used to it. I’ve since complied with the idea, but I can’t get off because it’s distracting to know I’m sticky and probably not smelling my best.
I can’t stop comparing myself.
He has dated a lot of beautiful blondes and an extremely cute and sexy pole dancer. I have black hair and I’m…normal. Again, I just lost 70 lbs. My skin sags everywhere. My boobs aren’t full anymore. I’m…awkward altogether, haha.
He always asks how he is doing and what he could do better if anything. He also offers to back off a bit if needed because “I don’t want to put you in an uncomfortable position” (pretty sure he’s referring to making things more official in the middle of me trying to handle our sex life) but I decline. I don’t know how to politely address any of the above. I don’t feel like I want to end whatever we have going on. I just want to know how to move forward with us both being happy. I’m getting the feeling that I should feel lucky to have such an adventurous sex partner but instead I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack.
TL;DR: I’m 35 with no experience or confidence and it’s freaking me out to be with someone new and experienced who wants to do literally everything with me – anywhere and at any time
3 comments
Honestly, you seem to have a great relationship. You have to stop having “expectations” and just live in the moment. You are so concerned with everything else but enjoying the moment. I do agree with the pushing outside of the comfort zones, this is something you need to address and find a compromise.
I’ve been married and divorced and remarried. I didn’t know how important understanding my body and obtaining a climax that’s absolutely euphoric is. In order for us females to enjoy sex and be able to cum, we have to be out of our head, not stressed, not second guessing and definitely not be insecure. Men like to be dirty in bed. This is the time you get to be yourself and build on this passion and chemistry. We’re women, I’m sorry, we can’t always have perfect bodies and we gain weight, lose weight, be confident in the person you are. Because honestly, you seem very caring and genuinely put others before yourself. I don’t know if you had trauma from prior relationships in regards to sex. If the person you were with made you feel bad, you need to talk about it. Because toxic relationships can really wreck havoc on how you see yourself and your self confidence.
Regarding the feeling smelly, If you feel like you have to shower, be clean shaven, have everything perfect every time, you take the spontaneity out of it. As a women, you know when you’re not clean or feeling fresh, all it takes is a little summers eve wipes and feel fresh. Or you can always start with hey let me freshen up, or shower together, or just use the restroom and freshen up.
I love that you guys are talking about how to improve your sex and what you each like. Be honest. If he’s moving too fast or out of your comfort zone, then be honest. Regarding the sex toys, I think this is something you should try. Just my opinion. For women, it’s nearly impossible to obtain an orgasm without clitoral stimulation. This is actually more for us to be able to cum and edge ourselves. Edging is when you feel your about to cum, your toes are curled, every muscle is tense, your eyes are about to pop out and you have an explosion. It feels like you ran a marathon. Your kegel muscles should be milking your man when you cum. It’s almost like you have them in a vice grip. Yes, when you squirt, you feel like you peed yourself. Once again, enjoy it, sex is dirty, you get to be dirty, do and experience crazy orgasms. You’re going to be like, I was missing out on a lot.
I honestly think sitting down and talking about what you both want to experience has to happen. Maybe an idea is for you to read some erotic novels and see if that get a your imagination going. It took me in my 30’s to learn that I could cum and it was meeting the one person who was willing to experiment (although I was the one that wanted to push the boundaries). I still do and my husband will still tell me, hey I’m not quit there yet. I always joke about rimming him and if he calls me out, I don’t know what I would do 😂.
Regarding anal, this one you have to really be comfortable and willing and wanting to do this. There are tips and tricks to having anal. They do make a great suppository, FORIA, that helps with having anal. Having your man wear a condom, having an enema before, etc. this should not be done if you are not comfortable, because you can really hurt yourself.
Just remember you are who you are, beyond the looks, the weight, it’s what connects both of you, it’s love. Love is an action, you have to communicate and be honest, then you won’t carry that burden or feel inadequate. This should be the time where you’re excited to try and experience something you’ve never felt before. At your pace and not outside of your comfort zone. But if he doesn’t know what it is, you can’t be upset when you never told him how you feel or what you want. This is your time girl, enjoy it, you deserve it. 🥰
> He also offers to back off
Isn’t he doing everything you’d want?
> he doesn’t realize yet how gross
He sounds very caring, and maybe spending more time w him will raise your confidence? I’m a straight dude and I’m getting a crush on him. It sounds like he cares about you and is focused on your needs.
You honestly might just need time to adjust to a new partner. Your body mentally has to adapt and giving yourself grace about it is important. Maybe you could both try something new? I introduced lube into one of my relationships (we love Coconu) and it was a lot of fun and also took some of the pressure away from feeling the need for it to be wet enough