We’re in our late 20’s, have been together for over a decade, and married for 4 years. Things used to be great, but I feel like we’ve grown apart and I’m not sure if we’re compatible for life together. The resentment I’m [M28] feeling comes from how we treat our finances. We both have good jobs, we own a house, and make an above average income. We have a joint bank account that I’m starting to hate and wonder if I’m being financially abused.
My wife [F28] checks our credit card statements daily, and will ask about any charge she doesn’t recognize, even if it’s a few dollars. She gets upset at me for pretty much any purchase she thinks is unnecessary, even coffee or a cheap lunch. I’ve told her on several occasions that I feel restricted, which is really stressful for me because I grew up in a low income family, and a big part of why I work so hard is to give myself and my family a better life. At one point we tried to resolve things by allocating a small allowance to do whatever I wanted with.
It was only $50/month and I learned pretty quickly that it didn’t go very far. After a few months, I told her that $50 isn’t really enough to invest in my hobbies (outdoor activities, video games, and reading), and asked for $100-150/month. Her response was that spending money won’t make me happy, and since I wasn’t happy with $50, we ended my minimal allowance a few months later.
The more that time goes on, the less I feel like I have any control of my life. There is a growing list of games I want to play, books I want to read, and hikes I want to take, and the thought of spending even $10 makes me anxious. Financial anxiety has bled into other aspects of my life, and I find myself anxious almost all the time. I’ve never been an anxious person, and I struggle to manage it. It’s starting to impact my ability to work. Stripped of my hobbies I have a growing feeling that nothing matters. Its led to growing feelings of resentment towards my wife, and it’s getting harder to come home every night.
My wife and I used to be great communicators, but now our talks usually devolve into disagreements, and we subsequently don’t voice our feelings very well. I know we need therapy, but I have zero faith in it happening. I started going to therapy two years ago (I’ve got 12 free sessions a year from my employer), and it’s helped me immensely. She has unresolved trauma and I’ve recommended it to her several times, but she stigmatizes therapy for herself (she’s supportive of it for other people), and I’m sure the cost would also be a dealbreaker.
I’m at a loss of what to do since our communication has broken down, and therapy isn’t on the table. I haven’t been single in my adult life, but I’m starting to romanticize the idea of it. But I’ve got so much history with my wife, and we’ve been together through so many highs and lows, and I still love her. I want to salvage things, I want to be content with our finances (and gain back the fulfillment and life experience I’m missing now), but I don’t even know where to start…..
30 comments
The only real advice I can give you is that in my experience, relationship follow a bell curve. They go up but sometimes they also go down. It’s normal, it’s totally salvageable *unless* it stays down too long. The longer that the quality of the relationship dips between a certain level, the harder it gets to get back to the positive zone. Do you feel like you guys have been under a certain imaginary limit for a while?
I don’t think it’s healthy to have complete control over someone else’s finances like that. Surely you should have your own debit/credit card and you transfer the amount necessary for bills etc. onto the join account? I’ve never had to share finances but this feels a little extreme when it’s your own income and you can’t even spend more than $50 a month because you aren’t ‘allowed’.
You don’t need her permission for shit. Spend money as you see fit and refuse to engage in any discussions regarding your spending. She is being extremely controlling and I would guess that dictates a bunch of other aspects of your life as well. You need autonomy and space to make decisions big and small. You’ve spent your entire life with her so that you can’t even see that she’s being abusive.
So don’t have a joint bank account… why is this so hard?
Sounds like you should break up. Why dies she care about YOUR money anyway so much?
You should decide whatever happens with it, imo that’s not ok what she does.
Be careful. Idk her or you but if she starts controlling you in other parts too you should go away quick before it can get very bad
Break up. Relationships are easily replaceable. Time isn’t. You are losing out on prime years of your life because you’re partnered with someone who you don’t like
Do you want to salvage it or do you want to be single?
I feel like I could give you advice from many aspects, but the basis of it all hangs on this question. Not what do you feel like you need to do or are obligated to do, but what do you want? Do you want to figure it out and stay together with less financial abuse or do you want to separate? No one will blame someone who is being abused for leaving their partner, but I understand the desire to make it work.
The only other thing I will say is that you deserve to live your life, and that you feel like you are unable to right now is pretty unacceptable. I hope you can start living your life soon, you deserve too.
Is your wife aware that the level of control she’s exerting over your finances is making you consider leaving the marriage? Because if you haven’t told her that, you definitely should.
Also you can have more than one bank account. By all means have a shared one that’s used for joint expenses – mortgage, car payments, bills, groceries, a savings nest egg – and make sure you’re both depositing enough in there each month to cover those costs. Then have another bank account that’s for day to day expenses or just stuff you want, that you each have exclusive control over. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to share every single thing – you both earn your own money, you should not have to be running every little purchase past your spouse for approval.
His/Hers/Ours accounts.
Tally up the shared expenses and each of you put in to the “ours” to cover those bills based on your % of total income. The balance goes to your personal accounts. You spend what you want to spend of your money.
Yes this is financial abuse. If she sees nothing wrong with what’s happening and you’ve done everything you can to talk to her about how it makes you feel and she dismisses the whole thing… then you don’t really have anywhere else to go but out. You’ve done the best you can but she is controlling you through finances. She is invalidating your feelings. She essentially doesn’t respect you.
You have done what you can, there is nothing else you can do to salvage this, so it would be best to get out.
So untangle your finances.
I don’t understand why you have only one account. Most joint accounts are for putting the required amount from each party into it for the purpose of covering all household bills. The 2 parties maintain a sole account for wages to go into, from which the joint payments originate, and anything left in the sole account once the money for bills is paid into the joint account is yours to do with what you want.
Why tf would you want to be treated like a kid asking for pocket money when you’ve done your chores? You sound completely emasculated.
This one is above Reddit. Spend the money on counseling.
Is there a reason why she thinks that money shouldn’t be spent? Like, are you guys saving up to buy a new house or something? Or is it that she just wants complete control?
Obviously it’s not right to tell you how to spend your money, especially on the small luxuries of life. I love a good coffee, video game and book sometimes. It’s important to enjoy the little things in life. Isn’t that what life’s about?
I guess regarding my first question, has she stopped spending money on the little things she likes? Either way, again. You work too and there’s no reason for her to be like this.
I would like info if you’re willing to.
The one missing detail here is how much cash is left over
I did a decade of having about 50 a month (each) as that was literally all that could go towards luxury money, then it went to 200 each as my income shot up and costs went down.
She could be super controlling with the finances but she could also be making very sensible choices, without the spare cash being detailed here it really could be either.
Try communicating the LEVEL of how upsetting this is. She knows you don’t like it, but if she understood that’s it’s making you re-think the whole marriage then her response would likely be different.
Be frank. Tell her that the way finances are being done right now has made you consider breaking up. Insist on split finances. Even get a post-nuptial agreement done to split your currently shared assets.
Time for seperate accounts this sounds very unreasonable
The silver lining here (if there is one) is you both have been making good money so hopefully in the divorce you will still walk away with a lot of your money. Also, you’re still young dude and can find a new wife who’s not tripping balls. The overreach and boundaries here are not healthy man.
Being direct here, you can be direct and say that it is either divorce or counselling, that you would prefer counselling as the finacial restrictions are taking away your autonomy and the things you love to do.
So one way to divide this is to do the savings like 401k and bills and the rest goes into two savings/spending accounts each, so about 6 accounts in total. She decides what to do with hers and you with yours. You earned it, you get to spend it as you wish. This is financial autonomy.
However she appears to be anxious about the future, that is the problem here. She is feeding into that anxiety by saving every penny. Life isn’t about saving every penny it is about enjoying today and life now, as that is all you really have. Trouble is some people cannot handle that idea and try to protect themselves but in doing so she has invalidated your needs and wants entirely and removed your autonomy from making decisions as a partner, instead she is being overly controlling and all that happens is resentment which is where you are at.
Honestly the two card issue feels like where you are at, therapy or divorce, therapy within 4 weeks or you start proceedings, appointments must be at least 12, plus couples counselling as well. Divorce is much more expensive than therapy so that could be a reasonable suggestion.
If you cannot do this then you might as well put up with looking for free things to do and your children will hate you never doing anything fun with them because it costs too much. Sorry a bit harsh but think about where you want to be in 5 years, still complaining or having bit the bullet and done something to change the situation?
Why don’t you just get separate bank accounts? Say you don’t want to do joint anymore and if she disagrees then who cares. As long as you guys are splitting the same as you were previously it shouldn’t be a big deal.
Get a separate bank account and stand up for yourself
Hey OP. Anything like this that leads to resentment needs to be tackled together. Financial compatibility is just as important as anything else in the relationship.
Need to both figure out how you both see the future. What does it look like to you financially?
**OP, I am in a very similar position to you as far as background. Partner and I together 9 years, since 18/19, both competitive jobs, both doing well financially (overall). This is our system, and not to say it would work for you. But personally I’d advocate for it if anything to reduce the amount of resentment/anxiety that is building for you. We take our individual mandatory expenses car payment/insurance/student loans anything that is just mandatory (within reason, no luxury vehicles). We deduct this from our income, we give each other $200 for our “allowance” but anything in your savings go for it too (within reason, no buying ridiculous things that cost thousands without a conversation). We pay all the bills and then we split the savings between each other. If there are specific renovations/projects going on we may either allocate savings directly towards that then split, or, we will agree to put in proportional amounts from our savings towards it. For example we’re getting a new fence, the neighbor is paying less than we hoped, so we’re each taking X amount from our savings to apply towards it. We do NOT have a joint account. The only joint thing we have is one credit card for any expenses that’re both of us. Dinner, groceries, pet bills, anything mutual. For savings we split directly 50/50, there are times if one of our incomes is substantially higher than the other that person may take a higher savings percentage overall we’ve mostly stuck it 50/50 even during those times.**
**Couples therapy is definitely expensive, but, so is divorce. If you cannot have healthy communication then it’s absolutely worth the absurd cost. What is a minor financial set back in your income situation compared to an ugly divorce? We’ve done couples therapy and definitely spent a lot. Ultimately, while it’s no miracle fix, I do think it helped us gain some better insight on how to approach communication/conflict resolution and during the times of higher contention the biggest value I received from it was a third party to help mediate communication. It was helpful to me to have someone to help facilitate us venting some frustrations out and then steer in a healthier way than an argument. To me, couples therapy is good for learning some tools on “how to deal with things” but what is actually relationship saving is changing what is harming the relationship rather than learning to just deal with those things. I do think therapy would certainly help you both, but, it won’t solve the financial issue until you guys are a team unit on it. I do think while you will 100% benefit from boundaries in being more firm about getting the freedom you should absolutely have, I think approaching that delicately may be beneficial if you’re trying to repair the relationship.**
Have you guys sat down and actually talked about financial goals? Or did you guys just go with the flow?
Did you guys actual create a budget? Do you participate in paying bills and budgeting or do you let her take the lead, so you don’t have to worry about it?
I’m not asking the above questions to say it is your fault or her’s, but as you said you don’t seem to have good communication skills right now. Take a day and go through all that you have financial responsibilities for and create a budget. Listen to each other on what you want to save for retirement, future children and such. You said you guys were broke 4 years ago, she is worried about retirement and saving for future children; now that you appear to be financially secured, she may still feel broke and worried how an unexpected bill will get paid. You won’t know until you guys actually sit down and go through it together.
My most frustrating thing with an ex, was I would do all the spreadsheets for a budget each year and say this is what we have, the estimated outcome for potential savings, if we want to do this home improvement or vacation here is what we need to do. I would try to get his input on if he was good with what I came up with or if we really should spend that money on something or save. He had none of it, never wanted to look at the numbers and just hoped I figured it out for him because he couldn’t be bothered. But then would turn around and want to spend some stupid 2k on spraying our lawn because the neighbors are doing it and complain because I said no, it’s not in the budget.
I am all for the His/Her/Joint accounts; you put in a percentage in the joint for bills, entertainment, savings, etc. and the rest goes into your own. This reduces the micromanagement of what each of you spend your money on.
She’s being very controlling, no doubt in response to her own anxiety, but that doesn’t make it any easier on you.
I’m afraid you have to start wearing the pants in the family. Take out a credit card in your own name, and do not provide any of the account information to her. Open a separate checking account and direct your employer to do direct-deposit into that. Once a month, give your joint checking account an “allowance” by funds transfer to cover the bills you would normally cover.
You know what’s going to happen? She will have a conniption fit, of course, but if you can wait it out, just calmly telling her you will not allow her to dictate financial terms to you, in a month or two she will give up and stop trying to fight it.
I believe she has a mild mental illness. (Who checks their credit card account DAILY? That sounds very OCD to me.) If she won’t go to therapy for it, which you have kindly recommended, then you do what you must to protect yourself. If it gets extremely bad, you can always leave the marriage. Good luck.
Bro your a grown ass man. Go open another account and put as much of your own money into as you want. Its your money not hers period. She obviously should have a say for major purchases but being this strict is abusive and ridiculous. You also need to sit her down and explain exactly what’s going to happen. Tell her you are putting money into a new account and you want to go to couples therapy to work through this, otherwise this marriage won’t work. You need to man up and talk to her. If she keeps doing what she is doing then it’s not worth it man. Honestly like if she is unwilling to even try therapy with you then what’s the point of trying to fix your problems? She needs to loosen up and stop treating you like her child who she allocated allowance to. She is treating you like a baby bro. You gotta stand up for yourself. You have to.
Huh, so let me get this straight. After your bills are done….you don’t get to spend your own money? Is she your mother? It sure sounds like it to me, especially when you have to ask her for your own money.
For example. My husband shares a joint account with me, and I work on weekends so I don’t make that much because I raise our small children during the week.
My husband asks me to spend money only because I manage the bills and he doesn’t track them. But in the end it’s the same answer. “It’s your money, do what you want.” And I ask him for things as well so it’s kind of a thing we just naturally do.
I didn’t marry my husband to turn around and deny him his hard earned money. Wtf kind of person does that though, really.
You need to stop asking her and make it clear that you work for your money and as long as bills are paid she needs to stop controlling your income. I understand you’re married and everything is combined. But there is a way to do that without making you feel resentful and honestly I think that’s why.
Imagine working only to have your wife give you an allowance of YOUR hard earned money. Imagine not having access to what you earned. This is why you’re resentful. Because at the end of a hard work day, and bills are paid, you still have to go through your wife for your money.
No. Tell her that’s not healthy and it’s not gonna happen. Seriously, see how she reacts because this NEEDS to be said.
Frankly, I would just tell her “cry about it” and move on with my day. I know that’s not helpful, but communication only works if the other person is actively listening and processing. It sounds to me like your wife is actively working against anything that didn’t come out of her own head. Ergo, don’t restrict yourself because she wants you to or nags you to. DO YOU. If she says something tell her “this is not up for discussion” and move on. When she gets tired of being rebuffed, and she will, THAT is when you sit her down and lay it all out. “I work, I put in. We are financially great, and I am not working myself into a lather to sit at home and stare at the walls. If I wanted that, I would work a minimum wage job and live in a trailer park. I want more, and I work to get it, so I am going to get it. And no amount of policing on your part is going to change that. Now, if we were missing mortgage payments or going hungry, I could see your distress, but we are not. And I refuse to be policed by my wife. I get that you have your own issues around money, but that is on YOU to resolve, not me, and I am not going to allow you to guilt me anymore. Either get therapy to help you deal with your issues or pipe down, but either way, this is happening.”
If you are both pretty much equal in what you’re bringing in, why are you on an allowance? You need to seriously untangle your finances. My husband and I don’t share finances to avoid this type of stuff. I pay for my part (I make more so I pay more) and he pays for his (the smaller bills, insurance, etc.) and the rest we make goes into our personal savings accounts that we have for emergencies, house stuff, etc. Then whatever’s left over is ours to do with as we please.
I make much more than him, but I never dictate what he spends his leftover money on because I would hate it if he did that to me.
Your life sounds like me playing a video game and finding a good one time use item. I never use them because I always wonder if I’ll need it around the corner, then finish the game with a shit ton of things that would’ve made the game easier and probably more fun. Make your life easier and if she objects too much, consider divorce. Life isn’t long enough to deny yourself simple pleasures because of a nebulous “what if”.
As long as bills aren’t being neglected she has no right to tell you what you can do with your money. It’s your money that you work hard for. Talk to her, and if she doesn’t listen put your foot down on this.
Figure out what your common expenses are – mortgage, insurance, utilities, groceries, rainy day fund, etc. Split it down the middle or income-proportional and put that money in the joint account. Everything else is yours to do with as you see fit.
My wife and I have a joint account, in which everything goes, but she does not restrict me in any way – nor do I restrict her. We are both relatively frugal, but neither of us will pause for a second spending a couple hundred bucks on things we want. We just don’t do it too often.
Works for us, I hope it can work for you too! Good luck.
Get separate bank accounts, figure out hours much each of you should be putting into a joint account for bills/expenses/savings each month. The rest of your money is yours to spend how you choose short of a financial emergency. I did this for 7 years with a partner, worked just fine.