So first off, I just want to clarify that my Prom isn’t for another week, but I recently asked my date if she was cool with me promoting us as a Prom King and Queen couple. She said she didn’t want to and I was fine with it.
I still can’t shake the feeling that I overstepped a boundary though, I have autism and sometimes don’t do well with social cues and blurting things out even when I have time to think over text. I’ve known this girl for 4 or 5 years now and I really don’t wanna ruin our relationship.
Basically what I’m saying is: Should I send her an apology message?
tl;dr I feel like I overstepped a boundary with my Prom date. Should I send an apology message?
37 comments
I think you’re fine. You did the right thing by asking and tbh man if she can’t respect u asking her about something you were interested in then she isn’t someone you’d want to keep around.
You requested something, not demanded something.
You’re likely just fine, really. But if you still feel uncomfortable you might say, “If my asking that bothered you, I apologize.” And let it go at that.
You asked her before you did anything. That’s considerate, you’re fine. Have fun at the prom.
I work in therapy and just want to say it is *totally normal* for folks on the spectrum hear someone tell them “no” and thinks it means you’ve somehow upset them by asking. It’s because refusals can feel a lot like rejection, and rejection can make you worry you did something wrong. It’s a common fallacy to think that someone would only establish boundaries because you’ve already violated them. But you have not!
Don’t fixate on it. You did a good thing by asking first and she did a good thing by being honest about her feelings. That is healthy communication! Have fun at prom.
You’re totally fine, don’t worry.
You don’t need to apologize for asking something that’s been denied! You’ve done everything correctly it seems. You’re all good
You asked, she said she wouldn’t like that, you listened and didn’t do it. You’re good dude. Kudos to you for talking to her, good communication is priceless in relationships
Naa you’re overthinking this one. Don’t worry, you asked and respected the answer/ her wishes so you’re good
Don’t worry and enjoy the prom 🙂
I think you’re fine. You asked, she declined – and you didn’t actually promote the two of you. So, what boundary was crossed? None – you handled it right.
Nope. You asked, you put the idea out there, she said no, doesn’t sound like she was upset, it’s all good.
Do you know the concept of “ask versus guess culture”? It’s the idea that some people are askers, they always figure it’s worth a shot even if the answer is no, and they’re fine hearing no and comfortable saying no. Guessers on the other hand think you should only ask if you’re sure the answer will be yes, or you think the answer should be yes, and they usually feel obligated to say yes because they think it’s expected.
Sounds like maybe you’re navigating this a bit, in that you worry that because she said no, you shouldn’t have asked in the first place, but that was a fine thing to ask, and don’t assume she’s mad just because she said no.
This seems vague are you leaving out something you said? If not and this is the full story then nah you’re good! You’re just overthinking! It’s ok!
You would have crossed a boundary if you promoted yourself and her. You didn’t, so there is no boundary that was crossed.
that’s a totally fine and healthy way of communication! you asked for her request and she honestly told you she just doesnt feel like that. it’s completely fine, and dont worry wont ruin your relationship with her!^^
Nope! You’re good. You asked, she said no, you didn’t do it, all good.
If it’s bugging you you could always just say “hey, I have been feeling like I overstepped somewhere and I wanted to check in and make sure everything is okay, and apologize if I did something wrong”
Sincerely, a fellow person on the spectrum
No need to apologize. You did the right thing, asked her, and respected her answer. It’s all good. Enjoy your prom!!
Totally fine don’t worry about it! Have an amazing time at your prom
You asked for something once, were told no, and then accepted with grace and didn’t bring it up again. Exactly as you should’ve. You handled it perfectly. If she’s still upset, the ball is in HER court to tell you about it and to communicate her feelings to you.
Messages are hard as you can never truely know someone’s tone, I think for yourself (I personally don’t think you did anything wrong here) but to calm your mind I’d go speak face to face and ask her then apologise so then that makes you feel better about the situation.
I have RSD and ADHD so I understand the overthinking and it’s draining! But 9 times out of 10 I’m worried and upset for no reason and I think this is one for you.
Nah I think you’re good dude
I was just speaking generally.
Nah, you’re fine. You made a reasonable request, she declined, and you accepted her answer. All perfectly normal and reasonable. Just because someone says “no,” it doesn’t mean that you were out of line for asking. (If anything, she probably thinks well of you for taking her “no” with grace.)
Has she done anything to indicate that she was uncomfortable in any way?
You simply asked, and there is nothing wrong with that. You’re totally fine!
She probably just doesn’t want to be center of attention and that’s cool. That stuff for the birds anyway. But you probably did give a good gesture, just don’t make them think you will put them in a situation they don’t wanna be in. So let them know you will always ask and respect their wishes.
No, overstepping a boundary would be her saying ‘no’ and you doing it anyway. You communicated clearly a desire and she communicated clearly that she wasn’t interested and you have accepted her answer.
Hearing ‘no’ doesn’t mean you’ve upset someone. In fact, the way she was quite straight forward with the answer is a good sign that she’s comfortable telling you no and not having to find an excuse or beat about the bush.
Don’t apologize, you did nothing wrong. Be confident, when it comes up again, instead of being apologetic, tell her something like “we still would have won this”, in a joking and funny way. Good luck with your prom night!! Your doing way better than me at 17, having a date and all 😉
Naw.
The fact you asked first is great overstepping would’ve been just going ahead. I’d say you’re good.
No, I think you were totally fine! You asked a perfectly normal question in this circumstance. She said no. You respected that. Healthy and normal communication, way to go!
No, I think you were totally fine! You asked a perfectly normal question in this circumstance. She said no. You respected that. Healthy and normal communication, way to go!
Also on the spectrum- I think it’s totally fine you asked. I’ve learned bringing things up later can make it a bigger deal that it initially was, and maybe could make her feel bad for her response. Instead you could try just bringing up prom “I’m excited/do you have anything you want to do that night/ do you know who you’re voting for…” etc and see if she says anything herself or acts strange, but I’d assume you’re good.
You don’t need to apologize for just asking. Now if you did it anyway after she had said “no I don’t want that” then yes you would have overstepped a boundary. But if you just asked you didn’t do anything wrong. You just made sure you knew what her boundaries were before doing anything and thats a good thing!
You don’t need to apologize for asking a question. You’re good.
You asked – not demanded – HUGE DIFFERENCE. Personally, I don’t think an apology is needed. BUT if it’s not sitting right with you, an apology won’t hurt
You might google “ask vs guess” culture and read about it. The basic concept is that some people are acculturated by their families to the idea that it’s fine to ask for almost anything as long as you’re willing to gracefully accept a no. Others are raised to believe that you should only ever ask for something if you’re already certain the answer is going to be yes- that it’s rude to put people in the position of refusing you something.
Neither of these is objectively right or wrong, they’re just two different ways of understanding the world. But if you happen to have been raised in a “guess” culture family, hearing “no” can make you feel like you made a terrible mistake and that the other person must be angry with you.
But that isn’t usually true. In my experience, most people even in guess culture aren’t offended by being asked something that they have to refuse (assuming it isn’t an inherently offensive request). And people in ask culture definitely aren’t.
No definitely not! Bottom line is that you asked for permission which was a very thoughtful and kind thing to do. Maybe she doesn’t like attention or maybe she doesn’t want to try too hard to win? Who knows, but as long as it’s fine between you too. I think you’re good 🙂 good lucK!