My (BF 18) and me (F19) I’ve been in a relationship for about a year, household is kind of hectic and we already live together. Our relationship was good for a while but we were off and on, though. But for the last couple months ,anytime we argue, it has to be someone’s fault even if I say something like or both at fault/we should calm down before talking to each other so nothing blows up or someone says something they will regret
(I grew up in a household like, so I’m trying to set boundaries and keep the relationship as calm as possible)
Every time an argument happens, he’ll get very upset with me, he’ll start getting loud and ignoring my pleads for him to calm down and talk to me when he’s feeling better and that there’s other people including a baby is in the house so please quiet down but he will say he’s not being rude or something of like and then someone will mention it later. Happens he’ll say something like: well I thought I wasn’t being loud or it’s my opinion I’m not being loud.
It’s extremely frustrating, and he’ll start saying well it’s your fault for doing this or that you’re trying to blame it on me or he’ll take something out of content and won’t let me try to explain hey I meant it this way sorry I messed up my words. He was doing this the other day and his sister heard him, in short terms she was very very upset from what she heard.
She (Sister 17) started asking why are you acting like that, your girlfriend isn’t treating you that. I can hear you through the damn wall. what Bf was saying was you won’t go with me and why are you being like this. everything was your fault and yelling at me/getting loud with me. Going to start staying with my grandma again but we were going to continue to date and talk, but should I just end it here or will things work out, it’s feels like a lost cause.
But the real reason, why I’m typing here today is that I was on the phone with my mom earlier me and him are cleaning. In the middle of cleaning she called me so I answered also I went back to our room. For 2 minutes we were talking and the middle of that time he comes in and tells me that I still need to switch the floor and why and how could I get on the phone in the middle of cleaning, well my mom never swears but she ended up saying what the f.
He couldn’t hear her and didn’t know I was talking to her but he ended up repeating, hang up, hang up, you have to hang up you need to clean. I hung up the phone went back out there.
he started getting upset out there and in front of everyone says you’re not allowed to go on the phone in the middle cleaning when I said it was my mom he acted very weird but like he was right and I was already cleaning for a while at that point so I thought I’d be okay.
(Extremely rare to see her swear, or even hear it. if I swear, she’ll usually get on my butt so I was extremely surprised)
TLDR: my boyfriend’s an early angry and maybe a bit controlling as well.
I originally already posted this but I was told to change the name because relationship talk doesn’t make sense.
4 comments
So, your boyfriend is abusive and has started to become controlling. Are you willing to leave him?
Controllers only get worse and worse. Often they become abusive. You have a huge choice to make.
Why do you think you should stay and tolerate this?
First, I hate to say it, but you’re both young and he’s just immature. Hopefully, at some point soon, he’ll start to realize that all of the problems in his life are his own, and it’s his responsibility to fix them.
Second, set some boundaries, specifically what tone he may or may not use with you. When he crosses the boundary, let him know that the convo is over until you both calm down, then walk out of the room, preferably some place where he either can’t follow you or where he won’t take that tone, because he’s likely to follow after you and get even more spun up. Once everything has calmed down and you both have had some time to reflect on the matter, ask him if he wants to continue to discuss the issue, or to let it go.
Third, point out to him that harsh tones and harsh words ruin relationships. This is what is happening to me in my marriage, but from her towards me, instead of the reverse. He might not thinks it’s anything, but to you it is. Let him know that because he might not be aware of that.
Fourth, recognize defensiveness, in yourself and others. Once somebody gets defensive, the conversation has effectively ceased. It’s now all about saving face.
Fifth, good luck with your BF. You both have a lot of growing to do, and that will come with time and experience. Enjoy the ride. But don’t let him abuse you because once he gets in that habit, it’s going to be very hard for him to change behaviors, and even tougher for you to stand up for yourself.