Dear women who rejected feminity from an early age, what is your story?

37 comments

  2. I was influenced by my mother I didn’t really like skirts or dresses that much and would rather run around outside than to play house most of my clothes were boys clothes

  4. I always just hated all things girly. I wouldn’t wear dresses, I played with ‘masculine’ toys over the ones marketed to girls. My mom hated it and always pushed girl stuff onto me, which just made my aversion even stronger.

    I wore my combat boots under my prom dress, but I did the girly stuff for my wedding (to a man). I was never bothered by big breasts, so I never wore a bra. I do now because I’m old and gravity isn’t my friend anymore… sad

    I shave by body hair when it bothers me, use clippers to shave my own head down to a 7 at the longest, and don’t have to separate any of my laundry before washing it.

    I get mis-gendered all the time but it doesn’t bother me.

  5. It’s rather simple – I saw even very young how girls and girly things were spoken of with contempt and derision and I did not want to be one of those things. Now I have the knowledge and experience to have contempt and derision instead for those assholes who look down on women as lesser.

  6. i didn’t hate feminine things, but i felt like i didn’t belong to the “girl” category. this was because my dad would scold me for wearing normal shirts for little girls since i developed early. i would have to wear ugly, baggy shirts and pants. i was also bullied for hirsutism and having very hairy legs at school. i guess my way to cope was to mentally reject that i’m a true girl, but secretly i still enjoyed feminine things. i just wanted to be normal.

  7. Well, my face and body kinda did that for me.

    I don’t even know how I would define femininity, to be honest. I don’t feel particularly feminine or masculine. I had mixed hobbies growing up. Horse riding, video games, sports, lots of boys and girls toys. Lots of boys and girls clothes. Now I feel pretty much in the middle.

    Maybe I didn’t outright reject it, but I just kinda go with the flow. As I get older I notice that I care less and less about things anyway.

  8. I was pretty much raised by my older brothers my parents were always working and focused on the bare necessities

  9. Basically- my mom and I were opposites and she always tried to push hairstyles, flowery things, and was very critical. Part of the way I dressed and my darker and quirky style was because I genuinely liked it… but I also loved that she didn’t 😉 I thought I was real cool

  10. I didn’t necessarily reject femininity. I rejected social and peer pressures. Do your hair a certain way, wear makeup, wear trendy clothes, etc. My mom couldn’t afford it and I really didn’t care. I’m a middle age woman now and still follow my own drum. No makeup, wash and go hair, jeans/shorts and a tshirt. It’s served me well 🙂

  11. My mom rejected a lot of gender stereotypes herself, and both of my parents raised me to take a mostly gender neutral view on things and just pick and choose my own preferences.

    I think performative femininity is like a cartoon version of a harmful stereotype.

  12. I just didn’t really understand it. To me, the concept of “you were born a woman, so you have to behave a certain way” sounded about as logical as people claiming that being blond means you’re stupid.

  13. My dad raised me so I learned to work, make money, pay the bills and save. I would be a terrible housewife.

  14. I’m sure there was some stuff I hated because it was uncomfortable (fancy shoes/clothes) or unpractical (skirts).

    I only had brothers, and most family friends only had boys, so I had mostly male playmates from a young age. In their eyes, anything “girly” was embarrassing.

    I’m sure there’s a lot of other stuff (dolls) I avoided at a young age to be a “cool enough” girl to play with, not one of those weird “girly girls.”

    Then as I went to school and got older, I wanted to be seen as intelligent and studious, and avoided everything related to the “dumb girl who only cares about makeup and fashion” cliché.

    At some point there was also the additional pressure of not wanting to appear “too sexual” and get unwanted attention.

  15. I wouldn’t say reject, but moreso didn’t engage. I was pretty 50/50 growing up. Did ballet and played baseball being the only girl on the team. I would wear rain boots—I refused to wear flats, a skirt, and a brown leather bomber jacket.

    During school years I wore what others wore because I didn’t want to be picked on (being the shy girl who would cry a lot in class if I had to speak, I was an easy target).

    When my brain grew up a bit more, I realized *it literally doesn’t matter.* Literally just do what you want, and don’t mind what others think. The ones who want to be your friends will like you for you, and if they only like you for your clothing/femininity, then that’s their problem and someone you don’t wanna be friends with.

    Now I have dreadlocks, dress like I’m a construction worker, and don’t own one pink piece of clothing. Don’t paint my nails, don’t wear makeup, don’t ‘do my hair’, don’t go to the mall, don’t shop at retail stores (only secondhand), not a spender, don’t watch romcoms or bachelor or any of that stuff.

    I’m me and I’m going to do what I want and do what I like. If someone has a problem or concern about it, that’s their issue and can talk to me if they feel so inclined. But honey I ain’t changin for nobody.

  16. I used to think feminine things were bad because that’s how the world talked about them. Masculine preferences are considered superior. I wanted to be liked, and I was bullied a lot, I was the type of kid who was always picked last for teams, so I tried to lean more into mascule interests in hopes it would be beneficial for me socially.

    I grew out of it once I grew more into myself. Plus tbh being more masculine didn’t really work out anyways, turns out men will find a reason to hate women regardless of what they do. Now I love feminine things, I’m a girls girl, and I reject misogyny and toxic masculinity.

  17. It honestly never even occurred to me to embrace “femininity”, whatever that is.

  18. There wasn’t as strong a pink-ification of girls things back in the 70’s and 80’s. So it wasn’t something big that I pushed back against. Being a tomboy was just normal. Ramona Quimbly books were fantastic tomboy representation.

    And the 90’s I leaned heavily into the Riot Grrl aesthetic which was very anti-girly at times. I hung with a punk / goth crowd and that reinforced natural self expression and self acceptance. Conformity was deeply frowned upon.

  19. It was made abundantly clear to me by the time I was in kindergarten that being a girl meant I wasn’t allowed to do so many things that my friends did, and it sucked. Eventually, I started blaming society rather than femininity for those limitations and got over the internalized misogyny.

  20. I feel like I was brought up to explore different hobbies, regardless of what gender they were typically for. I wasn’t completely disgusted by dress up and makeup, but it wasn’t top of my mind. I think I got the best of both worlds since I was raised as a girl (with the ability to like girly things) but also spent a lot of my days doing “boy” things (playing outside all day, playing with worms, getting dirty, doing dangerous stunts, etc). I played with blocks and hot wheels as much as I played with typically “girly” toys like dolls and makeup. I did LOVE babies, but I also LOVED riding a motorcycle.

    I was friends with other tomboy-y girls until middle school hit, which ended up being really hard for me. Many of my good friends went through puberty and their womanly side kicked in whereas I was just as frumpy and tomboyish as always.

    In high school I started embracing “fluidity” (I am not gender-fluid but my style expression can be at times). Some times I’d come to school in a dress and get tons of comments on how good I looked, others I’d come to school in a skater-girl outfit. I wouldn’t get any comments but I didn’t really care since I was happy.

    Now in my late 20s I pick and choose when I want to be more vs less feminine. I really enjoy dressing up on both sides of the spectrum, and could never force myself to stick to one bucket. Some days I’m wearing a beanie, ripped jeans, a nose ring, and a guy’s tshirt — other days I take my time on makeup, put on jewelry, wear a sexy shirt and skirt (or a sundress), and embrace that side of me.

    My friends, family, etc all just accept this and tbh I wouldn’t have it any other way. And I am allowing my daughter to have that same freedom.

  21. A very, ***very*** long and ongoing journey of being told that I should be a certain way and want certain things on account of being female, criticism and shame when I do am not those ways and do not want those things, and open indoctrination for the few so-called “feminine” things I did do.

    I did end up going through a bit of a trad-wife phase in my late teens-early 20s after I got pregnant, honestly as a way to cope with and make sense of my unfortunate situation, and as a way to “make it work”.

    My concept of feminitity now has shifted from a prescriptive, patriarchal one to a descriptive one. If you have to be indoctrinated and forced into it, it’s not femininity.

  22. I found/find feminine clothing impractical and generally reject trends. I found unequal treatment unfair – I started a petition to allow girls to leave class to help the janitor with chairs and tables in 5th grade, lol. I didn’t like how other girls acted so dramatically about bugs or science experiments, so I refused to be like them.

  23. I reject the entire concept of feminity. I’m a woman. Whatever I do is womanly. I’ve always felt this way. When I was little, catching a fish and preparing it for my mom to cook was girly because I was a girl.

  24. I’ve never really rejected nor embraced it, I just don’t acknowledge it. I was raised in a way that would now be described as gender neutral, and I chose to express myself in a way that some would deem masculine. I used to and still like to dress up a bit every once in a while, but my behaviour and demeanor in it can still be classified as “unlady-like”. As a young girl I already thought it was BS that others told me I couldn’t do certain things because I am a girl and did them anyway, and I guess that defiance just stuck.

  25. Trying desperately to get it back. When I first started with makeup in my mid twenties I used mascara as brow gel and lip liner as eye liner.

  26. I have a genetic disorder that caused me to get really fat during puberty. Kids at school started making fun of me, throwing things at me in the lunch room, asking me out as a joke. I watched as all my childhood friends went from absolute besties to running across the street to avoid being seen with me. I couldn’t fit into any of the clothes sold at the cool places to shop. And even when I tried my absolute hardest to look my best, people said it was like putting lipstick on a pig. Even people who loved me, family members, close family friends, whenever they saw my sister and I together they would gush about how beautiful she looked and then ask me how I was doing in school.

    But everybody always said I was just like my dad. And he was fat, and he was nerdy, and everyone respected him. He had a good job that paid good money where people listened to him because he was always right, and my mom loves him even though he’s fat and bald. So I just threw myself in that direction. I had next to no friends, but I had grades, hobbies, books and computers. Paying absolutely no attention to the stuff girls are supposed to like, claiming they were stupid anyway.

    Then I got to college and later the work force, and realized that no one would ever look at me and respect me because I was right. Girls are dumb and bad at stuff and are only pretending to like the stuff I like for attention from boys. I never had the option to have my dad’s life because no one values women for being right and good at stuff. But dedicating myself to the things I like and that make me happy is considerably better than the way beautiful women get treated in this world. I feel like I lucked out being an ugly kid.

  27. Didn’t really chose it so much as it was just my exposure. Have three older brothers and mom didn’t know I was a girl. I wore the boys hand me downs and hair was cut short. I hung with them everywhere. Fishing, camping, playing ball, running the streets. Didn’t own a dress until I was 7. I am 58 now and my favorite things are being in the woods, car shows, military shows,etc. My favorite clothing is Tshirts,jeans and Cowboy boots. Lite makeup and short hair. Don’t regret anything.

  28. For me it was more reactive than intentional or neutral.

    I grew up in an extremely abusive household. I was constantly tortured, beaten, and bullied my sister, and neglected and treated with extreme rage and hostility from my mother.

    It made me want to be bigger and stronger than everyone. I was naturally the tallest in my family, though the youngest. So when I grew up I really doubled-down on trying to be physically intimidating. I would intentionally overeat leading to a binge eating habit and being overweight my entire life. I dressed like a boy for most of my formative years. Super baggy, ridiculous clothing.

    I was emancipated at 15, then I ended up getting into the construction industry at 16 years old. Became a masonry restoration mechanic and moved to another country at 19. Got out of construction around 25.

    Now, quickly approaching 30; I’m a fairly feminine woman. I run a retail shop at a fancy hotel. I still hold a lot of masculine tendencies but now it feels more natural to me. It made me a stronger person and more adaptive socially. I appreciate that side of me, but it’s nice to be able to embrace my feminity.

  29. My mom kept telling me how she wasn’t like other girls. She’d do a wimpy mocking voice saying, “ohhh I chipped a nail!” Then she would tell me how she’d play with the boys and could throw a baseball farther than anyone else. So I learned from an early age that being a girl was bad. So once I hit puberty, I really doubled down on the “boy” stuff for a while. It was hard to outgrow it out of fear of being mocked.

    I’m almost 30. I’m still not very feminine. But I don’t feel like I’m less of a person if I wear a dress and heels.

    And my mom still considers herself to be a feminist. She doesn’t get it.

  30. Idk! I just prefer comfort (leggings/joggers) and minimal make up. I have an inner girly but it’s just too much effort to spend time to do all this make up and choose outfits. And too much mental energy to deal with the attention that comes with trying to look cute.

  31. Rejection of patriarchal rules on us. A lot of what we define as femininity these days is hair removal, wearing skirts, wearing pink and red colour tones, painting our nails, doing our makeup, sitting with our legs crossed, cooking for the men, being motherly and nurturing. It all began with men wanting to see us a certain way. I started to reject the idea of Molding myself to the male gaze. This now means that I behave and and act according to my comfort zone which means that I sometimes wear makeup when I want to express myself artistically and sometimes I wear sweatpants and manspread and I’m equally comfortable doing both.

    I reject the idea of being born for the male gaze but I embrace true femininity which is strength, resilience, grace, empathy, kindness and wanting to look like a smoke show for my own self.

  32. I saw how it was ridiculed, seen as a bad thing and a sing of silliness. I was “I hate pink, only wear black, find girls superficial and dumb” on the internalized misogyny scale. The signals were coming from my step-brothers, boys at school, tv, etc. I wasn’t fitting anywhere and thought it was because I “was not like other girls”.

    Then I realized that it was sexist and problematic to belittle women and things socially associated with women. I realized that being like other girls means nothing, that there is a wide variety of people of any gender. I realized I was not fitting because of my environment and not gender (though it does play a role when you are not a “smiling soft-spoken nice woman”.

    I started to assume my personality and tastes, so I got back to what I like, experimented and now I’m a full blown loud intersectional feminist working in academia who wears many dresses and heels, puts on makeup and whatever I want!

  33. I dont even know why. I did it from a very young age, like 4 or 5 yrs old. I actually had only male friends from a young age. I just disliked being like the other girls. I disliked playing with barbies and everything.

    I most probably hated being treated like a “girl”, by that i mean only getting teddy bears and all. I wanted cars and robots too but i didnt get them.

    I think it was because i had an older brother and i wanted more things like he had since i always admired him. And i wanted to be more like him

  34. I didn’t fit into any of the criteria of femininity. So why try at all?

    Why play a game you can’t ever win? I’d rather just be myself and not worry about femininity at all so I can do the things I actually like regardless of whether it’s viewed as feminine or not.

    My Tactic: Give up on femininity.
    My Outcome: An awesome life.

  35. I never thought of it. I just did what I wanted to do and later was told I wasn’t girly and must be a tom boy. I just never thought of it and still really don’t. I wear what I want and do what I want.

  36. Short story. I felt sick when men touched me so I decided to be masculine, til maybe I was about 11 or 12.

  37. Oh I was def one of those “not like other girls” unfortunately. I rejected femininity, but was groomed to embrace sexuality.

    So I was alienated from the community of women who could have helped me see the predators and avoid the abusive red flags.

    Instead I was groomed to be sexual and show that I “loved my body” by making it available to men and not being “prudish like other women”.

    I was also legit a tom boy, still am. And I’ve discovered I’m actually asexual. So now I’ve embraced all the femininity, while still being strong and tough, and thankfully let go of all the enforced sexuality.

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