my mom has cancer and at most has only a few years to live. I want to move from a 3rd world country to a 1st world. I’m 33 right now and my window to move while i’m still young is closing soon. I’m torn since my mom has cancer and is dying. i don’t want to leave her here but i’m afraid that if i do stay knowing my mother will die either way, i’ll just be depressed that i didn’t move. i deeply hate my home country and i know i only have 1 life and i want to make the most of it by doing what i think would make me happy. the situation is overall just making me more depressed, because 1. my mother is dying 2. i’m potentially going to have to give up my dream and live the rest of my life full of regrets. i need advice to to make sense or to make light of my situation. is there a silver lining to this? am i being selfish for having these thoughts? to be clear, i don’t want to leave my mother, i can’t because i love her. I’m just torn and don’t know what to do or if i’m going to be alright. any advice will be appreciated.
edit: i have siblings.
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Hey OP – I just heard Scott Galloway address a question from one of his listeners. It sounds similar to your situation. The relevant part starts around minute 15:00 of this episode of the Prof G Pod.
“Office Hours: Why Al Is Not Taking Your Job, How to Create Opportunities for Others, And Advice on Taking Care of a Sick Parent”
https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vV1dPNjY1NTg2OTIzNg/episode/NWYwOWQzMWUtMzUxMy0xMWVkLTgwZTQtYmJkYjdiYjUzNmJl?ep=14
Everybody’s mom is dying. This is a compromise we all make, whether we know it or not. I moved and feel guilty about it sometimes, but it’s better for my life to be out of town. It’s really up to you, would you regret missing time with your mom or not moving more?
Sorry to hear about your situation.
Got a sister with severe illness, a loser father who spent all our family money, and a mother who busted her ass supporting us.
Grew up in a 3rd world country myself, migrated to a 1st world country because I wanted to bring my sister and my mom here. Had I stayed, I’d be just a burden while being successful in a 1st world country I could make more money and provide better living standards.
Well years later my sister died. My mom eventually came here to live with me, and my dad eventually passed in my country of origin.
Some days I’m thankful for my mom. Some days I’m irritated because I’m stuck holding the bag and having to take care of her in her retirement years because she let my dad spent all of our money instead of pushing back and / or divorcing him.
Based on that, if I were you I’d still go to the 1st world country, bust my ass, and divide my money into 3 categories: 1) Living Cost. Keep this barebones, and be very frugal. 2) Save for a house / car / retirement / others. This is the reason why you move – to build a better life. 3) Send home.
CAVEAT: Based on situation in the US as the 1st world country of reference: If you come and only end up working blue collar jobs, you’d have a tough time. Gone are the days where hustle work is enough to make ends meet. Inflation rate including food, housing, and energy have been double digits in the last 2 years. Come only if you can make it as a Doctor, Engineer, Scientist, Lawyer, highly paid specialist / occupation, or other high paying fields. Else you’d have a very tough time paying the bills here as well.
Sounds selfish, but if you don’t pursue your dream, unless you start a business and becomes very successful in your country, odds are you’re going to be angry in the long term. In 3rd world countries you can’t get rich or even get a good upper middle income living if you’re an employee – almost always you’d have to start a business. Staying means you’re giving up your long term happiness just for your Mom. That may sound cold – but you have to think long term.
You only have one mom… And I may be wrong about this but… You’ll find a way to move to a first world country…make great memories with your mom… And when she passes… Go live your life.
Tough call. Don’t feel too bad about being selfish, it’s normal to want what’s best for ourselves.
Would you actually have to give up your dream entirely or would it just get pushed a few years? You might be surprised how young you still feel in your late 30s.
Think about the probability. If you move, there is an approaching-100% chance you will feel bad for leaving your mother. But there is **not** 100% chance you will enjoy your new life so much. There’s a possibility, however small, it won’t live up to what you imagined. It might still be really great, but not worth leaving early for. I think the guilt of leaving her will be stronger than the regret you feel for missing out. What if dies she sooner than expected?
A reddit discussion on Kirkegaard made an impact on me years ago. He said that no matter what choice we make we often wonder what could’ve been. As I understand it, he says when confronted with two personal choices, it is better to do that which you think is moral. Maybe you will regret your choice, but there is some comfort in knowing you did the right thing.
I hope you and your mother find peace.
As someone in a first world country who is in his 30s, my life is just beginning. I think you’re underestimating how much different life is. You have time to be with your mom. Take care of her and be there for her.
Stay with your mom for now!
Ask her for her input.
She might prefer to die knowing you have a better life.
She might want you to stay so that she is not alone.
You only have one life, but so does she. You are asking strangers on the internet whether you should sacrifice part of yours for her, but what does she want?
Not gonna say what you should do. But keep this in mind.
You can move away and start your new life, keep in contact with your mom through phone and video chat etc. Also from abroad you can contribute to your mom’s treatment bill more (probably). You could hire some good nurses, healthcare providers which you wouldn’t be able to afford if you stayed.
Simple your young. She has a few years. Spend it with her and then move when she’s gone.