Need advice to heal a situation with my GF
The last few days have been a train wreck for me. I’ve been dating a girl for 2 months and things were going amazing. We had great chemistry and were super close. A few days ago I randomly get a text saying she loves me as a person but isn’t IN love with me and it was essentially a break up text. She walks this back though with newer texts saying she doesn’t know what’s going on in her head and she hopes things can work out and hopes this is just a bump in the road, and tried reassuring me that she needs to think and isn’t going out to bars and doing stuff. She also said she knows dating is how you know if someone is the one, but she wants to be sure before we start building because she doesn’t want to hurt me. She said she needs about a week of space to think and wants me to know she’ll be in touch soon. I’ve recently found out that she’s fearful avoidant, and this explains so much. She had a traumatic childhood and hasn’t dated the best of characters in the past. The total 180 is understandable now. How do I move forward with this? I want to stay with her, and want to be supportive, and I can tell what she felt was real, but might be trying to/rationalizing pushing me away. How do I approach this situation and maximize the chances of us staying together ?
TLDR: my girlfriend is Fearful avoidant and trying to push me away potentially, how do I navigate this and try to stay with her?
3 comments
she’s almost 30 and still not ready for relationship she isn’t gf material. move on and don’t date older women they come with a lot of baggage
It sounds to me like she has made plans to sleep with another guy (or has already slept with him), and since he’s most likely not going to stick around, she’s leaving her options open with you.
It also sounds like she never considered you her boyfriend. You were just a guy she was seeing and never planned on getting serious with you. Many people feel that relationship + time = increased seriousness, but this is not the case for all people.
i think you both /want/ this to work and I think that’s enough reason to TRY, which is what you’re doing. its really good that you now know that she has a fearful avoidant attachment type which is difficult to deal with, both for you and her so it’s nice that you’re Trying, for her. i think you should make this clear to her. like just put it out in the open “i know you’re the fearful avoidant type (if she didn’t explicitly say this to you then allude to it i guess) and that fear and past bad experiences are preventing this relationship from growing further but now that we’re aware of this and we know this, i think we should definitely use it to our advantage and tackle that problem straight on because i DO want to fight for this relationship and be closer to you and you closer to me” (notice how i wrote that in a way where i didn’t point TOO many fingers at her)
so yeah. like you Know what the mainnn problem is now. idk if there are any other issues. but anyway, now that’s its clear, now that it has a literal name and label and address, this is when researching becomes much easier. so yay 👍 google 👍
im not sure if this comment will be of much help. im sorry if its not. you were most probably looking for people who have like….direct, real experience with dating someone who has a fearful avoidant attachment. so im sorry if this comment doesn’t help much. all i can say is to research more about “how to not scare away fearful avoidant types” etc etc.
i think a lot of reassurance is needed. clear communication. be very clear about everything (expectations, feelings etc). lay everything out on the table, be honest. Gentlyyyy push for her to also open up. but gently, with a lot of reassurance. if after all that, she decides she wants to end it, then at least you can say to yourself “i did everything i could” and it just simply wasn’t your fault. she just wasn’t ready still.
although there is onE more thing you can consider, and this is like the best option really especially for fearful avoidant types who have experienced past trauma, and its to see a relationship therapist. because this isn’t easy. these types of relationship problems aren’t your regular degular type of problems so don’t beat yourself up for not knowing exactly how to deal with it. a lot of psychoeducation goes into it. i mean the fact you even know what fearful avoidant attachment means is surprising and a great first step (assuming you’re not a psych major lol). not a lot of men are aware of any of these terms. so yeah more psychoeducation is needed and a therapist is Ideally the best option for this. but not everyone is ready for that so…google is your friend for now.
Anyway, I’m sorry again if this wasn’t that helpful. Good luck. hopefully she gets back to you with good news.