My childhood was very chaotic and I had to figure a lot of things out on my own. I grew up living with my grandparents, my mom, and my older brother; and I would go to my dad’s house on the weekends. I hated living with my grandparents and my mom. My mom was a junkie and was extremely emotionally & verbally abusive and my grandparents would enable her horrible behavior. I loved being at my dads though and remember having a good relationship with him. There are some situations where I would be upset with him but it was nowhere near as bad as the things my mom put me through.
I was a very angry child growing up. Since I was mostly at my grandparents house where 90% of the fighting was, that was all I knew. I was absorbing all of the screaming, breaking furniture, lashing out, and I ended up doing those things too because it was my normal. Throughout most of my childhood, I had the mindset that everyone in my life has wronged me and every bad thing that happens to me is someone else’s fault. Approaching my teens, I started to constantly get in fights with my dad. I don’t remember what many of these fights were about but I think a lot of them were minor. However, how I reacted to them made it a major fight. It’s like each fight we had was an attack against me and he was no longer on my side/didn’t want to be around me anymore. I felt the same way about my grandparents and my mom so I was very resentful against my family.
My mom died when I was 13 and my memory is very blurry after that point. This is around the same time my dad and I stopped talking. One of the last memories I have of my dad is a fight we got into the day after my mom died. When my mom was alive, she would always have something bad to say about my dad, but my dad would say bad things about my mom as well. I didn’t want to stay the night at my dads house after she died because I knew he didn’t have anything good to say about her. I stayed with a friend instead. He was upset that I didn’t stay at his house and this caused a big argument between us. This is one of the last memories I had with him and it has always made me very angry. I don’t remember any conversations we had after this. Whenever people ask me about my dad, I tell them he stopped talking to me after my mom died.
Recently I re-downloaded Facebook messenger and found that my dad’s wife has been messaging me since 2014 wishing me happy birthday, happy holidays, etc every single year. I scrolled up to see the last conversation I had with them on Facebook and to my surprise, I was messaging them up until a year after my mom died. I found a message from my dad from 2014 that said “I don’t know why you’ve been talking bad about us to your friends mom but that is unacceptable. We’ve done nothing but try to help you and don’t know why you’re turning against us. We love you and are very worried about you.”. I have NO memory of this conversation or any context behind it. Ever since I saw those messages I can’t help but think that it’s my fault I don’t have a relationship with my dad anymore. I’ve always thought he was the one that left me and thought I was better off without him. Now, I’ve been thinking of messaging him every day but I don’t even know what to say. He was a great dad and I want to have a relationship with him again. I’ve been thinking about him constantly and it has been making me depressed. I will figure out what to say eventually but I had to get this off my chest. Sorry for the long post but I appreciate it if you’ve made it this far.
TLDR: I haven’t talked to my dad in nearly 10 years. After spending most of my life thinking he was the one who abandoned me, I’ve discovered it might be the opposite. I want a relationship with him again but don’t know where to start.
27 comments
Just send him a message.
Tell him you miss him and you want to start making up for lost time.
It is 100% the responsibility of the parent to manage the relationship with the child. You’re not to blame you were a kid in a volatile situation and then your mom died which is traumatic. You’re dad may be nice but he should have stepped up and managed the relationship.
Now if you want to reach out you should. But don’t take any shit or blame for this from them, it was their job as parents to support and guide you and they dropped the ball because that’s easier.
It sounds like you should call your dad and say hello.
It is never the fault of a 12 year old child when a relationship with a parent breaks down. You can definitely try to reconnect now, but he was the adult and it was on him to cultivate a relationship. Don’t feel guilty for what you had no control over.
This breaks my heart so much. You were just a kid, you were in a horrible, volatile living situation and shockingly, it affected you a lot. It’s NOT your fault. The good news is now, as an adult, you’re allowed to make your own decisions about how you want your relationship with your dad to be. Reach out to your dad and let him know how you’re feeling. Tell him what you’ve told us, and let him know that you’re interested in rebuilding a healthier relationship with him.
A message to dad needs no context, no initiation, no previous appointments, no apologies, no making up for missed calls.
If you’re up for it, send him a “How are you?” and I’m betting that a lot will flow automatically from there.
Good luck, OP!
First please hear that this isn’t your fault. I know it doesn’t change how you feel but it isn’t. You had to deal with adult level personal relationship huge issues as a young teen and it doesn’t sound like the adults in your life (for whatever reason, maybe they were not capable) were able to help guide you through that.
I notice you seem to be saying that your dad stopped messaging you after an argument you don’t remember. But his wife has continued to reach out ever since. If she’s always been kind to you or you see her as a relatively neutral party that wasn’t involved in the bad feelings, what would you think about possibly responding back to her that you want to be in contact with your dad again but you don’t know where to start. Or maybe message them both. It sounds like she never gave up if I’m reading things right. She might have some level of empathy and understanding for what you went through than he did at the time. I think its just as good to just message him with you wanting to have contact again but you don’t know what to do/are scared.
Hopefully in the years since he’s matured more too.
But you didn’t abandon him. That wasn’t possible when you were that age. He’s the one that had the adult responsibility, you didn’t.
It doesn’t mean there aren’t many hurt feelings to deal with all the way around, that is life! But I hope you’ll reach out even if its just a sentence. You don’t have to solve anything now. You can be awkward! He might be too. It doesn’t have to be articulate and address everything. The first step can be as short as you want.
Reach out to him and see how you feel after talking to him. May be able to develop a relationship now or may not. Either way, no blame for you for the past but you do have the ability to determine your future.
(1) It is not all your fault. Whether your dad knew how to advocate for you or not, you were the child and he is the parent. He is the one who had the standing to file for more custody time when you were living with a drug addict, to insist you live with him after your mom passed, to enroll you in therapy to help you process etc. Being a difficult teen does not mean he owed you less of his time or parental attention. Not at all.
Maybe he did what he knew how to do, but that doesn’t mean his failure to act / his ignorance was your fault. It wasn’t. I promise. I’m a mom and divorced. It’s all on the parents to pursue custody, maintain a relationship with their kids, and ensure they’re safe.
(2) It sounds like he wants a relationship with you. If you want one as well, reach out. You’ll probably make his day.
Honey, send him a message.
Given your dad’s wife has been messaging then maybe reach out via her.
Might be worth chatting to a therapist given the memory gap issues. Disassociation and other things can cause these and it’s worth talking to a pro about it, especially given you don’t know what you were complaining to a friend about.
call him. don’t idle and try to reconcile. the first step is going to be the hardest. you are not to blame for anything.
You were 13, in grief and a difficult situation. If it’s anyone’s fault that you don’t have a relationship, it’s not yours. He’s had 10 years to figure out ways to try to get in touch, a handful of Facebook messages don’t put the blame or responsibility on you.
No time like the present – if you want to entertain possibly rekindling a relationship with him, reach out – today. Doesn’t have to be any more elaborate than saying you’ve been thinking more about him lately and wanted to catch up sometime soon, and giving your phone number if they don’t have it.
He was the adult and it was his job, not the 12 year old’s job, to maintain that relationship.
**Sending you a few facebook messages does NOT count as really trying**. If he was really doing his part as a parent, he would have tried a lot harder and not just sent a few DMs and given up. If it were me I’d be on the phone, email fax carrier pigeon whatever.
He failed you, and he’s more to blame than you are.
You were 12 and you just lost your mom. He was the adult in the situation. What happened to your relationship is not your fault. It does not matter what you said or did as a grieving 12 year old. It does not justify him not having contact with you for a decade. You are entitled to feel abandoned by him.
Send a message. Test the waters. His reaction to it will dictate if you have a relationship. He needs to make as much effort as you.
As a dad, I can only think he will be so happy if you reach out to him.
Honey your dad failed you in a number of ways. Loosing contact with a child is 10000% on him and nothing to do with you. No matter what he or anyone else tries to say. Memory gape are because of trauma. Have you been to therapy to work on your messed up childhood? If not I suggest doing that before you reach out to your dad. That being said IF you truly want a relationship with him (and are not being pushed by guilt) then go ahead and teach out to him. But keep an eye out for toxic behaviors. There’s a reason you cut him off and it may have been a good one whether you remember it or not. So keep an open mind and heart but don’t go in letting him blame you for things are cross boundaries. And just because I’m the only one I see suggesting it, therapy therapy therapy. They put you through a lot as a kid that you didn’t deserve. You need to unpack that as an adult.
Send the message. If you want to apologise, that’s fine. But it sounds like he wants you in his life, tell him you just saw the messages and you’d love to meet him and maybe start all over
You went through a lot, and children do and say awful things without having done. If you want to reach out to him, you should.
You family failed you. Mother, father and grandparents. They let you live in an abusive chaotic home. Of course you were (and should be) angry with all of them. But don’t spend the rest of your life without making peace.
You are not 13 any more and your dad’s life has changed too. Make the effort to reconnect with him and his wife. I bet they would welcome a chance. You don’t need to explain, apologize or blame. Just start fresh.
Never too late. I’m your dads age and just reconnected with my (ex?)-stepmother after 15-20 years. Dads 2nd wife. Just lost touch.
Anyways. I reached out one night via FB and reconnected. A few weeks ago I went to visit as she’s in another state.
We text and call all the time now.
The first step will be the hardest here. Just take the jump and call him.
To be fair, you were 13-14. Your dad should have been the adult and continued to reach out or even insist on seeing you. And if your dad has stayed angry for ten years at the decisions of a traumatised and grieving child, that is also his responsibility.
But it doesn’t really matter who is “at fault” for what happened a decade ago. What matters is what you want now and how you want to move forward. If you want to and feel ready to re-establish a relationship then reach out. You don’t have to overthink the first message- the words don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to say everything at once. Try something simple like “I don’t know how so much time has passed but I miss you. Can we talk sometime?”
It is not your fault. You were a literal child dealing with abandonment/grief/addiction consequences. Please please do not blame yourself, your dad should have maintained and pushed for a relationship. Reach out to him earnestly and tell him how you feel!!
>He was a great dad
Except he wasn’t, if everything you’ve described is accurate. He failed his child.
Man, just message your dad. And his wife. They want to hear from you. You can mend this.
My parents had an awful contentious divorce. I thought it was my dad’s fault and I didn’t talk to him for like 15 years and when I came back around, a husband and two kids later, he was very gracious and we are working on our relationship now.
It turned out that my mom was the real troublemaker and lied and abused us. I ended up with C-PTSD from my childhood and the memory issues/disassociation that come with it too. I miss those years I missed my dad. Don’t wait. Message him. Tell him you miss him and you’re sorry. Ask to see him.
And get therapy from a trauma informed therapist for the PTSD symptoms. That’s what that is causing the memory issues. You can improve them a great deal with treatments like EMDR.
He did abandon you. You were a child in a terrible situation, and he did nothing to get you out of it. If you aren’t in therapy already, please find a good therapist to help you work through your traumatic childhood. Please don’t beat yourself up over things you did as a child. It seems like a lot of adults in your life failed you. I am very sorry this happened to you and hope you heal and move forward and find happiness.