My husband(32m) and I(25f)have been married for almost a year, but together for 3. We also have a 4 month old daughter. He has 2 other children (12f,13m) from a previous relationship. I have always gotten along with them for the most part. When they first met me there was some confusion about who I was, what was going on, and I think some slight jealousy but that seems pretty normal to me under the circumstances. They are really good kids and have never given us much trouble. We get them every other weekend and we take them on a couple of vacations a year with us. His daughter and I are especially close and she absolutely loves her new sister and was really interested in the pregnancy and we go out alone together a lot.
I have always just tried to be their friend and not take on a super motherly role because I didn’t feel that they needed that from me admittedly. We didn’t know we were going to end up married and with a kid of our own at first either. I do all that I feel I can while seeing them only 4 days a month.
He has talked to me about taking on a more motherly role. I am so confused and unclear what he means by this. I do pickup and drop off, food, hang out with them, take them places. They very rarely get in trouble so I don’t think it is a discipline thing. I have asked him and he said it feels like I am more of a friend than a mother while he is the parent. I told him that I don’t know what else I should do and if he has any suggestions I am listening. He can’t give me any answers it is just a ‘feeling’
So, we were all in the living room doing our own thing and his daughter was asking questions about the baby. My husband starts saying to them now that we are married I am just as much of a mother as their actual mother and it is important to him they see me that way. He came up with this example that if we are out in public and someone asks if I am their mom, they can say yes. It was really awkward for everyone and they basically said it would be weird to call me mom. I said that was fine with me and they do not have to say that. I could tell that husband was really annoyed with me. btw, I can’t wait to hear how their mother feels about this, she already does not like me.
So later I tried to talk to him about it. I tried again to get clarification on what he expects from us and again, he could not give me a solid answer. I asked him if he thinks I am doing something wrong towards them, he said no. I told him that he shouldn’t try to push this on them and they were clearly uncomfortable. I told him he was going to make them resent me if he tries to push this relationship and that our relationship was fine. This turned into a huge argument that has lasted for 2 days that has turned into fighting about everything else.we have ever fought about. Does anyone have any idea of what this could be about? I am doing something wrong by just trying to be their friend?
Any suggestions??
TL;DR husband wants his children to see me more as a mother. I think he is wrong and we shouldn’t try to mess with a good thing. This has caused us to have several arguments
33 comments
You’re in the right here. Your relationship with the kids works, you and the kids are happy with the status quo. Your husband is pushing something on you that is neither needed nor wanted by anyone but him.
He is their parent. Their biological mother is their parent. You are their step-parent and it sounds to me like you’re performing the role very well. His interference isn’t going to make anything any better and could make it worse.
Couple’s counseling, immediately. It’s not just his unreasonable expectations that are hurting his kids, but you had a fight that turned into previous fights. That indicates you two don’t actually resolve and solve problems. Past issues shouldn’t be coming back up, because they should already have been resolved. If you have a bunch of lingering issues on both of your sides, that’s very, very bad. Work on all of this with a couple’s counselor while you two still have some good will between each other and before the relationship goes really bad. Especially since you do have a child together.
That’s super weird for him to say that you’re just as much their mother as their actual mother is. You’re not! You have a different family relationship with them, and that’s okay! Sounds like you’re doing a great job with step parenting.
If he can’t give you a straight answer on what he’s looking for here, chances are it’s because his expectations are not reasonable.
My bet is on him wanting to unload more work on you, and once he’s carefree and relaxed enough due to outsourcing enough of his household, parenting, and emotional labor, his “feeling” that your relationship with his kids isn’t quite right for no articulable reason will disappear. (Jk lmao nothing you do, including everything, will ever be enough for him).
Agree with another poster on marriage counseling. He’s making an impossible, undefined demand of you AND his kids that neither you nor the kids want or need.
He needs to articulate what it is he feels is lacking, and I’ll eat my hat if (1) he is able to actually articulate the reasons behind what he wants and the concrete specific actions he wants both you and the kids to take to satisfy him and (2) those reasons he feels something is missing and the actions he wants you all to take to fill the gap aren’t 110% selfish and self serving.
I mean, it’s already 100% selfish of him to demand that 2-3 other people change the perfectly happy relationship they have with one another just because he, watching from the outside of that relationship, doesn’t love what he sees. I’d like to see him prove that this isn’t some selfish game he’s playing with all of you.
p.s. just read that you only see them 4 days a month. So he wants you to take on a stronger mother role while he’s a bare minimum, every other weekend dad? I hope your expectations for his role in parenting your new baby are low.
I’m assuming that since you don’t have full custody that they are primarily with their mother? If so, it’s really weird that he wants you to say you’re their mother. That’s not true. Ask him if you two split up and you met someone else if he would be cool with that person referring to himself as your baby’s father. Do his kids have a stepfather? Does he call himself their dad and your husband likes it?
And not to be a jerk but you’re not that much older than your step kids. I have young parents but not “pregnant in middle school” young 😂 What’s he trying to accomplish here?
It sounds like you and the kids are being the most mature and reasonable about this. I’d be careful that this isn’t his way to keep sliding parenting responsibilities at you while he kicks back.
I think you are doing just great, truly! You are not their mother, and you shouldn’t try to impose that on them, that could have worked if their own mother wasn’t alive AND they were very young but since their mother is well and they live with her the majority of the time on top of being basically teenagers, there is no reason for you to do that at all! On the contrary, if you did that, you could completely ruin permanently your (great) relationship with them.
As someone already mentionned, you should for sure consider couple’s therapy, because there seems like there is more to it, especially since this happened all of a sudden.
It sounds like he wants to unload more childcare on you during his parenting time under the guise of being more motherly. He’s making the kids uncomfortable and I’m sure their mom will hit the roof when she finds out they’re being coerced into calling you mom. This will turn out very badly.
Imagining that all of you look your ages, ask your husband what he’s thinking?
He wants his kids to lie to people, & you to go along with pretending that he, at 19, got you pregnant when you were 11-12 yrs old?
He can’t even verbalize his expectations, this is odd. You both spend so little time with the kids, it doesn’t make sense. They have a mother, their father getting married doesn’t change that. This is incredibly disrespectful towards her, especially with her doing most of the work raising their kids. Maybe he should acknowledge that their Mom is at the least partially responsible for how well the kids are handling you & their new sibling. As well as how well behaved they are.
You‘ve done a good job developing relationships with them. Non threatening, welcoming, friendly. He’s creating problems where there are none. The question is why.
The fact that he could only come up with the example that when in public the kids should or could say you’re their mom, or call you mom, makes me feel like he has some insecurity in being divorced or with the fact that his kids have different mothers. At the very least it seems like he’s wanting to present as mom, dad and kids- instead of you as both mom and stepmom, him as dad, the ex and whoever else (stepdad, or any new siblings on their moms side). I assume the kids call you by your first name or a nickname, I’m betting that feels off to him (disrespectful maybe?) but clearly he’s not expressing himself well as the way you describe your relationship with the older kids sounds great. Does he want you to go back in time and change their diapers?
Just want to say GOOD FOR YOU, OP for not forcing the relationship with your stepkids. You are much more likely to continue to have a good relationship with them as they grow up than someone who insists on playing “mom” when they already have one.
I wholeheartedly disagree with your husband’s tactic on trying to force the mom role onto you and especially his kids. They have a mom. It sounds like you’re doing a great job as a stepmom. He also couldn’t point out what he thought you should do to “be” their mom. I am in a blended family as a stepmom and I notice this a lot with men; trying to force the perception of the “happy, intact family” by forcing the stepmom to take on the motherly role to his kids. It’s so frustrating! I honestly think that it’s guilt ridden and very illogical.
I don’t think his root motivation is about increasing the amount of childcare you take on. It seems more like he’s got a personal sense of discomfort or insecurity around his perceived family image, but he’s unable to acknowledge that insecurity exists within himself, so he’s instead projecting it onto his family as though he can mould you guys into something that better suits his ego. When he should ideally be secure enough to appreciate his loved ones (and the genuine positive relationships they already share) as they are, authentically.
I have no idea what he was trying to pull. I became a step-child around their age and it went well! My step-parent had a similar approach to yours. Definitely don’t listen to his stupid idea. A 13 year old knows who their mother is.
Was there infidelity? Is he embarrassed to be married a second time?
He really has no right to dictate the relationship you develop with his children. I would tell him firmly to back the hell off.
It pisses me off that he is volunteering you to step up to a role that doesn’t need filling. He’s causing trouble where otherwise things look fine.
What is his problem? What does he have at stake here? Do you know?
They already have a mom and you already have a great relationship with them. He has no logical reason to ask for more. It would be one thing if the kids were with you full time and they were lacking a maternal presence, but they’re not.
I would tell him he needs to put a pin in it until he can articulate what it is he feels is missing and why he thinks you need to be a mother to them as opposed to a great stepmother.
Is he trying to triangulate with you and their mom? Or is he trying to get the kids to want to live with you guys more so he can pay less child support?
It’s basically biologically impossible for you to be the mom of children of that age, and you see them 4 days a week. It’s a ludicrous ask.
Unfortunately, some men wait until they have a partner “trapped” to show their true colors.
Completely agree with you here. You are doing everything right. I have 3 step kids who are now grown. But, when they were much younger I always told them I was there for them for anything. I supported them and yes disciplined them at times. Not like spanking or anything like that. Just making sure they did their chores, weren’t disrespectful, etc. I would say more just helping them develop and grow. I lost my mom when I was 15. So for me it was very important that I in no way would ever try to replace their mom. You only get one ya know. When they were teenagers and acting like asshats to their mom, I would always push them to make sure they were always respectful to her and to always maintain that relationship. I was definitely harder on them at times than she was. Honestly there were times that her and I would argue. I would tell her to stop trying to be their friend. Be more strict. Give them responsibility. They will thank you for it in the end. All 3 are ver successful and all joined the military. Point being is keep doing you. You can be that quote on quote bonus mom and honestly I would have that conversation with the kids. I did. I never expected them to call me mom. To me that was weird. I started raising the boys when they were 6 and 4. They are now in their late 20s. I love them like they are my own but they still call me by my name…never mom.
Your husband is clueless.
You’re only 12 years older than these kids, and you’re not their mom, of course you won’t feel like a mom to them. The best case scenario for step-parents, IMO, is what you have right now—being more of a “cool aunt” or even “big sister” type of figure.
If HE is uncomfortable seeing his much younger wife be a “big sister” to his kids he should have thought of that before he married someone who was his kids’ current age when his kids were born.
If he can at some point actually identify specific things that he would like to see happening differently in your family, okay. He should bring that to you – NOT the kids, just you – and you can talk it through and see if you think it would work well for you and the kids. And then you can talk to the kids about it when you’re both on the same page.
Until then, as long as his issue is just “the vibes are wrong”, he needs to deal on his own with whatever anxiety about his family structure your new child has brought into his life.
It sounds like he is jealous that you aren’t treated as “just a parent” by them. The fact he has no real examples and it’s just a “feeling,” implies that he is the one having the feelings and he needs to figure them out before making requests. I don’t have real advice, but he’s being weird. I was close with my stepmom, but I have an amazing mom and did not need extra parenting. I was a teenager when my stepmom came into the picture, I didn’t want or need another parent. The kids are old enough that they aren’t going to be dependent on you as a full-fledged parent, I think he’s envious that you got to skip the early years and get to meet them how they are now. He should find someone to talk to.
The rage that I would feel if my ex told my child that his new wife was just as much of a mother to her as I was? I can’t even put it into words.
You’re doing a wonderful job, fostering the relationship you have with your step kids. If questioned in public, you’re their stepmom. Nothing wrong with that. Stepmom doesn’t have to be an ugly word. Let your relationship evolve. The kids have two parents. There’s nothing wrong with being a friend or an impartial person to talk to or confide in.
You don’t need to get clarification, you need to give him some clarification. Those are not your children. They are his and his ex-wife’s children. You need to make it clear those are your step-children and you will not be allowing them to call your mom. He is out of his mind.
Ummm yeah that’s a no go. He hit the jack pot and doesn’t even realize it. You and the kids get along. You’re happy the kids are happy why is he rocking the boat? I really let my SS14 take the lead on what to call me what I call him, hugs, all that. Now that we have been in each other’s lives he knows I would do anything for him and he actually says I love you. But there’s no way that would have happened if my husband was it orchestrating our relationship from ten side lines.
Does your husband get along poorly with his ex? There’s no real reason for you to act like these kids’ mother; they have a mother already, and things are going well if you’re all getting along decently, which it sounds like you are.
I just get a feeling that this is some way of getting one over on his ex, though that may be off-base.
Ask him how he would feel if his ex asked this of a new partner in her life. (Or maybe she has one? Not sure what those dynamics are like.)
Lol 12 and 13? That is not your job, and you can even mar the line they already have established with lol their mom. I think u being on moms side with that sacred relationship is gonna be ur saving grace in an awk/standard situation. This all par for the course.
If you follow what he wants you to do, his kids are going to end up hating both you and him. You are not their mother. All of you know this. Trying to force you into a mother role will ruin everything and just cause resentment, confusion, and anger. He needs to stop, immediately. I hope you show his this thread.
Reddit is filled to the brim with people who are estranged from their parents over this exact issue. It sounds like you do plenty for his kids.
You could be their older sister. I suspect that he has issues regarding his former wife/partner and has some insecurities about that and wants you to help with the gaps. But he doesn’t know what he really wants. I agree that you shouldn’t mess with a good thing.
He is jealous you get to be the “cool one” and it’s manifesting in him sabotaging what you have with them. Sounds like a therapist would be very helpful to get him to see the reality.
Went through something similar. My partner is 5 years old and had 8, 7 and 4 year old when I got with him. Their mom tried to push me to baby them and it was awkward. They already had two loving parents who spoiled them…. I thought the exact thing…. what more can I give them?
I did the same things as you. Gave them my attention, picked them up and dropped them off… did all this stuff before marrying my guy too…. it was a lot and tiring.
I’d tell you husband he needs to clarify what he means and tell him everything you’ve already done for him and them…. bc that’s a lot. And you already sound under appreciated. I was…. for over 8 years and the oldest is 18 now. You don’t want that to happen for that long.
I would ask him why he he is okay with making you and the kids you care about uncomfortable over a feeling that he can’t even articulate. Would he like to push them into calling their mom’s partner Daddy and is he eager to proclaim that there shouldn’t be any distinct between himself and that person.
If this is a sudden development it seems like something happened that probably doesn’t involve either you or the kids.
Maybe he’s feeling “old” with realizing that the kids are growing up fast and that is highlighted at your more friendship level relationship. You are a lot older than your stepkids than you are younger than him but when they’re in their teens you’re going to appear to be much closer in appearance to them than him. Its a weird thing to get freaked out about but it happens. I have a slightly larger age difference with my husband (no stepkids though) and he has had moments of feeling awkward at certain milestones and stages.
I would flat out tell him to stop asking that of you and the kids. That you and the kids will decide how to navigate that and he’s making you and them uncomfortable. Surely he would feel weird if his ex was pushing the kids to call her partner daddy and telling them he’s just as much of a dad to them because he’s married to her.
You’re not doing something wrong. He is taking out some kind of thing on you inappropriately. He needs to fess up what it is, or maybe some therapy (couples counseling or just him) is in order so he can figure out what it is and in the meantime treat you more respectfully.
Hmm….this makes me think that there’s a pretty not great reason that he an his ex broke up. What happened with them? Cause this sounds like he’s starting to unveil his controlling side with you.