As a guy in my mid 30s, I’m kinda baffled by how people my age “meet” anyone, at this point in life.
Like, for me, I spend all week working and then being too exhausted in the evenings to go anywhere or do anything. On the weekends, I run errands (like grocery shopping, etc.) and spend the remaining free time just indulging in my own little personal hobbies and stuff.
Granted, I’m generally very introverted and reserved, and I’ve never been a super socially outgoing person. I’m not much of a “night owl”, I don’t like loud crowded places like bars and clubs, and even when I am around people, I’m not very good at inserting myself into their lives and forcing them to interact with me.
Dating apps/ online dating feels pointless unless you’re a very attractive guy, and as someone who is entirely “average”, I’ve personally never had any sort of success that way.
Even forming friendships feels nigh impossible. I’ve tried in the past to force myself to go do a thing where people are, but I find that everyone usually seems to already have their social circles, and I can’t ever seem to force my way into those. I’ve only briefly had small casual friend groups, usually with coworkers from old jobs, but once we stopped working together, those seemed to fizzle out and disappear. Back in my 20s, I was working jobs that had a lot of turnover, so I’d constantly be meeting new coworkers every few months; but now, I have a job where I only ever interact with, like, three people, none of which are people I connect with enough to have any kind of relationship outside of work with.
And don’t get me wrong, none of this is coming from a place of anger, frustration, or bitterness, or anything like that. It is what it is, I’m not, like, hung up or obsessed with having people in my life or anything, but it’s hard to not feel lonely or hungry for affection sometimes, yanno? I’m fairly certain it’s a lost cause for me, and I’ve basically made peace with that to a degree, but man, I’m just fascinated with and boggled at how other people manage to do these things, and where it all went so wrong for me to get me to where I am.
8 comments
I’m a conventional 3 my dude. 43, Overweight, introverted, cranky, bald, short. I didn’t have a problem getting matches on dating apps. If you believe these attributes should work against you, they will. You have defeated yourself before even trying. Your biggest enemy is in the mirror.
If a woman had wanted to use my height (5’4) to reject me, that would have been her loss. Being introverted doesn’t mean you can’t have a loud personality—it just means you need alone time to recharge from social activity. You have to like you. No one else has to, but you do, to the point that you can look in the mirror or think about yourself and think “I’d fuck the shit out of me”. When you can project that, women will come, my bro.
Yeah I’m kind of in a similar place. I think what I’m realizing is that you can do everything right but still not make progress for a very long time at this age. When we were younger, we were surrounded by like minded people in similar positions going through more or less homogenous experiences. Now it’s super fragmented
I’m 32 as well I feel ya man I travel through time and time travels with me yet I can’t seem to find what I’m going I just wonder why life is so cold and lonely it sucks having no one that even cares to have a real talk or chat with I got 3 dogs to fill the gap and some dare hobbies I enjoy alot since everyone makes me out to be the last person on the list unless they want or need sumtging from me I just keep it 💯 always on my part for others if asked for anything makes me feel like a real human rather than just a fake friend or person to interact with I’m what a true friend is and should be as the other come and go I always remind them I’ll always be the realist person anyone has meet in there life cause that’s what I’m looking for in my life I think
I met my bf 26 yrs ago. Hes introverted. Im extroverted. Im the one that usually reaches out.
I just… kept living my life. I went out to events not to meet people but had fun, and sometimes, I enjoyed those events alone. Other times, I was having fun and caught someone’s eye. Was invited to be part of someone’s group for trivia or play or was asked to join as a fourth on a board game at a game bar.
I just kept myself open to experiences. Even when I was feeling tired. I kept the apps active but checked them less frequently and responded if I got bites. I left myself open to it and occasionally tried to be active about it when the mood struck. I had to weed out a lot of mismatches, but I saw them all as opportunities to learn more about what I wanted and didn’t want.
I wound up finding a long-distance friend through a game. I’d never considered long distance viable, but I left myself open to the connection because why not. Currently, he is making mac n cheese at midnight with me in our apartment. Sometimes, it’s crazy how the world can wind up working out if you’re open to it. I made a lot of friends along the way to.
Yeah idk, I totally feel this honestly lol.
I use all my energy to work, stay fit, take care of my apartment and other adult activities, and relax in the spare time. Hate being at bars and loud/crowded places. And it’s not for lack of trying, I’ve gone to so many of thsoe types of places in my life but I’ve seriously never really made any relationships by going, and I also don’t enjoy myself while I’m there, so it seems like a waste of time and I’d rather just drink at home.
Especially with remote work now, I just don’t really have any reason to do anything that would put me around other people to talk to them. Feels hella awkward to try to enter random conversation with strangers, regardless of what the context is, if we weren’t there for a reason (like working together)
And yeah fuck online apps, totally useless, usually I get very little attention, or the only girls I do pull from them end up being completely insane.
So I have no idea man but I am the same way. I guess my plan is just live my life by myself, enjoy the things I like to do, and for social interaction just spend time with the friends I do still stay in contact with, mostly who I met in my 20’s, which is really only like 10 people. And then I have started seeing escorts occasionally to get some sexual release that isn’t just masturbating.
I don’t know, not the ideal situation but can’t really figure out a better alternative lol.
I have all the big dating apps: tinder, bumble, hinge, facebook, ok cupid, coffee meets bagel. Cumulatively, you should get a decent number of matches. It doesn’t hurt to pay a little to get better features. I’ve found it to be worth it.
Get halfway decent pictures: a good clear face shot of you smiling (natural smile, not tense, tired, etc…), maybe another selfie, a few showing you doing things you’re interested in, and maybe one or two with your friends. Have a decent bio about yourself and your interests. Perhaps include [your personality type](https://www.16personalities.com/) and what you’re looking for in a relationship. Never write anything that even hints at being frustrated or jaded, that never goes well. But you can be honest, for example: looking for someone for a friend to decompress with after work, and if it feels right, perhaps something more. (although you may want to reword that because it also implies you’re mostly looking for something sexual)
Edit: also swipe a little bit on every app every day. This shows you’re active and it shows your profile more. Don’t go crazy overboard because you’ll saturate the algorithm and wont be shown all that much. At least that’s just been my experience.
Edit 2: feel free to banter a bit with women in person throughout life. If it feels good, ask them out to coffee or something.
OMG. Almost everything you wrote is a reflection of my husband when he was your age (just a few years ago) – and incidentally, that’s also around the time we met and hit it off. It’s never too late.
I can’t speak for everyone but here’s what my husband did differently:
He’s really introverted so being around even friends is exhausting, let alone strangers! But he came to realize that given his small (and almost 100% married) circle, if he never met anyone new, chances of him ever finding a partner would be almost zero. Thankfully, he had a really close friend who forced him to get on to a dating app – which is where we met.
This close friend was also the one who took his 3 profile photos and quality checked them: good lighting & angle, showed his whole face, showed his playful personality when among close friends. (The photo showing him monkeying around with his friends is still my favorite photo of him.)
Prior to getting on the dating app, he got super clear about what kind of guy he is, and what kind of woman he was looking for and tactfully stated both upfront on his bio. I had done the same thing on my bio – and funnily enough, it was exactly our statements about our standards that sparked our initial interest in each other. We both had gone through a lot of criticism, rejection and even ridicule for putting those standards up online so it was an incredible feeling to find someone who actually “got” it.
TLDR:
1) Meet new people in whatever way works best for you;
2) If using OLD, make sure your photos show your face and your attractive personality (e.g. playfulness? Adventurous? Artsy? Etc);
3) Get super clear about what kind of person you are and what kind of person you’re looking for, and tactfully state both on your bio;
4) Be patient with the process and yourself. Accept that rejection is part of the process. Give the process and yourself enough time to meet the person who meets your standards (and whose standards you also meet).
I hope you find at least some of this helpful, u/MoreSalamander6. As they say in Japan, gambate! You can do it! This Onee-Chan is cheering for you! 🙋♀️