My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. He finished his psychology degree online, but he hasn’t been able to find a job in the 2.5 years since he graduated, even though he applies for jobs all the time. COVID-19 made it even harder to find a job. He’s a great guy, but I’m worried that he’s not financially independent. He still lives with his parents and doesn’t have a lot of money and is frugal with expenses. I want him to show that he can be independent and hold down a job. He doesn’t have to be the main provider, but he needs to prove that he can be self-sufficient.
He’s not lazy, and he’s doing everything he can to find a job, but the job market is tough right now. I’m patient and don’t want to rush things. We don’t have any immediate plans to start a family, but we do want to live together and support each other financially.
I don’t want to break up with him because he’s almost perfect for me, but his unemployment is a concern. Would it be okay if he got a minimum wage job while he continues to look for other jobs? Does working a minimum wage job help him in the long run? Have you heard of other men struggling to find work well into their 40s? Is it still worth staying in this relationship?
TLDR: Should I keep dating my boyfriend even though my only concern is that he has been unemployed for 2.5 years despite continuously applying for jobs?
25 comments
Why is it so difficult to find a job? Is he too picky? Is it a niche area? Is he lazy?
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After 2.5 years I think you have to think about an alternative career. Have you sat down and spoken to him about how his lack of job is preventing your relationship from progressing?
Any job is better than no job. Even if its minimum wage.
What kind of job js he looking for eith his degree?
It pains me to tell you this, because I know it’s not what you want to hear, but sometimes the only way to spur growth and development is by ending the relationship completely. Some people just will not change their behavior until they lose everything. A job, their friends/family, a relationship.
You can’t force him to grow up. Only he can. And unfortunately that sometimes means he’ll have to go through the painful process of losing people and things that he does care about.
The only thing you can do is decide if this is something you can live with or not. You can try to tell him the relationship will end if things don’t change, but usually nothing does.
You can sit him down and tell him that you DO want a secure future, with him, but for the future you want (whether that’s house, kids, retirement fund, college fund, trips, etc or just living together within your means) that you want a partner who is an equal contributor. You don’t want to end the relationship, but he has to be able to be self-sufficient or this will not last. And you need to be firm about that.
He can bartend, wait tables, Uber/DoorDash/delivery, work at a retail store, literally anything. There are hundreds of millions of people who work jobs they are unfulfilled at because they HAVE TO. They have kids, or aging parents, or have no one else to fall back on. Life is not easy. We deal with it. But the longer you stay, the more resentment is going to build, and the relationship is going to eventually end naturally because you’ll get fed up putting your life on hold waiting for him to start his. And you’ll 100% meet other guys who have it together and start to wonder. It is going to happen.
He’s 35 and living with his parents. They enable him and provide for him. His girlfriend deals with it while very unhappy. He has no reason to change because everyone allows him to stagnate.
There is no way to push someone off the diving board. They have to jump off themselves and sink or swim. It hurts, but it’s the truth.
And sometimes people will not change until they lose it all.
There are lots of gig options between minimum and using his degree. He may have a work is demeaning and demoralizing attitude and not realize it. Did he get a degree mill psych degree? What level?
Has he ever worked or supported himself? I don’t understand why he’s not working anywhere, while he searches for a job he really wants.
Maybe he can work as a school counselor if he gets some certificates regarding the area. But İ agree with other people a job is still better than nothing and I don’t you need to break up with him. Maybe you can reccomend him some jobs or you guys may apply jobs online. Btw there is nothing wrong vocalizing your concerns what’s been eating you but talk to him in a good manner dont blame him or compare just convince him that it would be better for the two of you if he takes a few steps in his career.
Ugh, currently in almost the exact same boat, thinking of breaking up for this reason.
How about going for sales job since he got psychology degree he might use it to get clients?
When I couldn’t find a job in social work I served at a restaurant. I then got a sales job. Now I’ve been doing it for 10 years and haven’t had a single social work job
I have a degree in art history and ancient history, a masters in library science, and I’ve been working as a paralegal for the last ten years. Because last time I got laid off and couldn’t find work in my field, I branched out. Because I needed a job. I’m doing FINE not using my degrees and your boyfriend could too… but he refuses to, and he doesn’t have to because he’s still getting all the financial support he needs. Whether breaking up would push him to get a job, I don’t know, but he’s not going to get one while you’re supporting him and he’s looking for magic unicorn jobs that likely won’t happen for him.
It would definitely help, first thing potential employers are going to ask is what he’s been doing for 2.5 years. Also it may be worth getting someone with the relevant skills to run through his CV and interview prep because somethings going wrong somewhere.
Yeah no he is lazy. In 2.5 years, he most definitely can find a job
Omg don’t try to fix a man, please.
He’s never going to get a high paying job with a bachelors in forensic psych. Not happening. What he should do is get a job in the field. Work with developmentally challenged adults in group homes, work in an assisted living etc. These will likely be minimum wage jobs but he CAN get a job. He just can’t get the job he think he deserves. He needs a work history to get to where he wants to be and if he does nothing then he’s going no where. I wouldn’t stick around for that. He needs a masters degree to work in psych at least and even then a masters in forensics will likely not do much for him either. He should look at mental health counseling or industrial organizational psych masters. Then he’d be employable at a higher level. Still – for you? Unless you plan to also live with his parents, I’d move on. He’s 35!!! 😳
If you need him to be employed and financially self-sufficient in order to continue dating him, then it’s okay to break up because he isn’t. That’s an entirely valid dealbreaker.
It would be absurd to break up with him *in order to* “force” him into getting a job, as your title suggests. If you break up with him, what he does after that is no longer your problem or your business. Do not break up with him out of the idea that it’s for his own good, or with the intent to then try to get him back if he makes the changes you want.
> Would it be okay if he got a minimum wage job while he continues to look for other jobs? Does working a minimum wage job help him in the long run?
The issue with finding any job available while trying to find a job in your field / that uses your qualifications is that the time sunk into that job might limit your ability to look for a better one. It’s a cost/benefit question. After 2.5 years with no income, the benefits seem to outweigh the cost.
(If he finished a psychology degree at 32-33, what was he doing before he started it, i.e. for most of his twenties?)
Psychology is one of the worst degrees you can get. I would advise he apply for work at a logistics company as anything.
In general – Logistics companies are always hiring, pay well and the work is super stressful, but rewarding.
My best friend graduated with a bachelors degree in psychology. She immediately sought out and was hired by a program designed to help mentally and physically disabled adults. She absolutely loves her job, and was able to start picking up extra hours at a few group homes that the program is connected with. She also gets paid VERY well and has easy hours when she’s not volunteering for more. I highly recommend that he looks at similar programs!
A second piece of general job hunting advice is to find places he’d be excited to work for and just have him reach out. Even if they are advertising a position, they might be in need of someone soon. And with a passionate and intelligent letter having been read the week before, your man might be on the hiring committee’s mind. I wish you both the best of luck!
Sounds like he needs to suck up his pride and stop trying to find his dream job and start by finding ANY job.
He hasn’t worked for 10 years, no one but minimum wage, entry level, 0 experience necessary jobs will want him. He has to start working to get recent experience back on his resume. Stop faking experience on his resume and tell him to get on Indeed and take a retail job of literally any kind. He doesn’t have tonstay there forever. He can get a job and continue looking for another job that’s better in the meantime. He just needs to do SOMETHING.
Have him find a recruiter too, while he’s working a crap job. Put finding a better job in someone else’s hands for a while.
after 2.5 years he hasn’t changed his approach because…why? what does he do all day? the problem isn’t that he can’t find a job, the problem is that he doesn’t seem to have any drive to be independent and live like an adult.
someone who actually wants to be independent would take whatever job they could find after a few months of looking, not after almost 3 years at age 35. he’s either wildly unrealistic or lazy.
More info: what level degree is it that he got online?
If he has a bachelor’s in psychology, sadly that will be about the same as a liberal arts degree in the job world. He will most likely need a Masters or higher to get into that field. (I’m a physician who has worked in multiple FQHCs for a decade with mental health departments and out sourced mental health supportive services). I suggest finding pretty much anything right now to at least have something on his CV, plus some income, while he continues his ideal job search. I would also recommend volunteering at local clinics/hospitals to boost that CV as well and show he is doing something with his time instead of sitting on his laurels waiting for his dream job to call him.
If he is doing all the things you are saying he is, and is willing to listen to advice you get on here and try other paths, then I would not leave him. But again, that is if he really is applying and is as wonderful as you say. If when you broach the subject he becomes obstinate and begins pushing back on why he cannot do any of the things you suggest, I would delve in deeper to try to find out if he really is even trying, or if he is using “the economy” as an excuse to be lazy.
A gap in his employment will be an issue on a lot of his resumes; getting a job in the meantime may help him.
Their should be jobs in mental health; had he considered moving to an area that has more job opportunity or has he had his resume reviewed to make sure it’s not his resume that looks inadequate?
Moving was the best thing I did looking for a job in my career field
There’s always temp agencies he can contact. I feel like anxiety or comfortability has taken ahold as to why he can’t find a job. Best of luck,
Why not get into construction in the meantime? there are very clean jobs in construction for instance a hoist operator or an administrative assistant which is needed on every site. There are avenues for him he just has to open his eyes abit. There will be something out there but he has to be optimistic.
Why would he ever get a job when he can just leech off of his family? Why support himself when he doesn’t have to? And if something happens to them, he would continue to leech off you. It sounds like he is surrounded by enablers. Honestly, that’s incredibly unattractive. Why do you essentially want to parent your grown ass adult boyfriend into getting a job? I find it extremely hard to believe he is “doing everything he can” to find one.
he’s a grown man whose willingly chosen to be picky and have no job so he can continue to rely on his parents. he seems very comfortable and happy that he has three people who can baby him. it’s time to move on