I asked this on r/AskEurope and got curious about the US. Don’t mind me while I bombard you with questions.
Are you expected to arrive right on time?
Do you bring a gift?
Are you expected to help with the dishes?
But mostly, is there a certain way to express you want to leave? Because it’s all a gradual process in France. 30-40 minutes can pass between the first “well, we won’t stay much longer!” and the moment we’re out the door. It’s annoying when your social battery is running low but you don’t want to be rude. Everything is made not to seem like we’re in a rush to get out.
32 comments
Depending on the person of course
– Be on time or early
– Bring a small gift like flowers or candy
– Helping with dishes may be too much
And yes, it does feel like a grueling 30 minute contest of who can keep their eyes open the longest in a staring contest.
For dinner yeah I think it’s expected to be on time. It’s usually polite to bring a bottle of wine, unless of course the people don’t drink. No expectation to help with the dishes, although guests might offer to help clean up and bring stuff into the kitchen. I guess that is helping with the dishes.
> Because it’s all a gradual process in France. 30-40 minutes can pass between the first “well, we won’t stay much longer!” and the moment we’re out the door.
Same here, it takes like an hour to say goodbye sometimes lol. One good/bad thing about having a kid now is sometimes I really do need to go immediately, to relieve the babysitter (usually my mom).
Typically if I have people over they’re close friends or relatives. I typically don’t expect them to bring anything. As the host I shoulder the kitchen chores myself like the cooking and the dishes. Help is appreciated but I don’t ask or expect it. I allow my guests to stay for as long as they’d like, and if they’d like to leave I’ll try not to keep them.
> Are you expected to arrive right on time?
Depends on the part of the country. I’m a Californian so 15 minutes ‘late’ is normal, if not expected. However, in the northeastern USA (New York, etc.) your hosts might get pissed off.
> Do you bring a gift?
That depends. But it is not automatic. If we’re talking the ‘default’, it’s more expected that you bring something to drink, like a bottle of wine or a six-back of non-shitty beer. Or maybe a dessert.
> Are you expected to help with the dishes?
Not as a rule, no. But you’re kind of expected to *offer* to help.
> is there a certain way to express you want to leave?
This is highly, *highly* regional. It is one of those things that will vary considerably depending on what part of the country you are in.
>Are you expected to arrive right on time?
Generally speaking you’re expecting to be there within 15 minutes either way (IE 15 minutes early or late) of when you told people to come.
>Do you bring a gift?
Depends on what the occasion is.
>Are you expected to help with the dishes?
Not necessarily.
>But mostly, is there a certain way to express you want to leave? Because it’s all a gradual process in France. 30-40 minutes can pass between the first “well, we won’t stay much longer!” and the moment we’re out the door. It’s annoying when your social battery is running low but you don’t want to be rude. Everything is made not to seem like we’re in a rush to get out.
Not really. In my experience most after the first person decides to leave people start to trickle out.
You are generally expected to be close to on time. Very early is rude and late is rude unless you tell the hosts ahead of time.
You should bring something. Not everyone does this but I was taught to never arrive empty handed. A bottle of wine or a small dessert to share is common.
Generally not expected to help with dishes, but it wouldn’t be SO wacky if they asked or if you volunteered.
For the most part it is not rude here to say “well we won’t stay much longer” and then extricate yourself 5 minutes later. But this is different for everyone in every situation.
>But mostly, is there a certain way to express you want to leave? Because it’s all a gradual process in France. 30-40 minutes can pass between the first “well, we won’t stay much longer!” and the moment we’re out the door. It’s annoying when your social battery is running low but you don’t want to be rude. Everything is made not to seem like we’re in a rush to get out.
This is definitely how it works in Midwest. You say your goodbyes in the living room, then more goodbyes in the doorway, then more goodbyes in the driveway.
* On time or slightly late. Being early, or particularly too early, may be a bit of a surprise
* Small gift like a bottle of wine, a side dish, or dessert is fine. Store bought/from bakery/something you didn’t make yourself is fine.
* Dish helping only if you’re staying the night, but maybe help clear the table
i’m always late, which is expected of me, so no.
gifts depend on the occasion. it’s common to bring something like wine or a dessert.
you are not expected to help with the dishes, though sometimes you offer and they say yes which you weren’t expecting and now you’re doing dishes.
i leave by sitting up and saying “alright” and then putting my hands on my thighs and thinning my lips.
I think this varies very heavily by individual/family/region/cultural background/etc. There aren’t really any unbreakable and universally known cultural expectations on this like there might be in some countries. With that in mind, here’s what I’d say:
> Are you expected to arrive right on time?
Not really, as long as it’s not excessive. Often an invite might even be phrased “come any time after xx.”
> Do you bring a gift?
A bottle of wine or something along those lines would be appreciated.
> Are you expected to help with the dishes?
If it’s friends, no. If it’s family, I don’t think it’s “expected” but would be more likely to happen.
> But mostly, is there a certain way to express you want to leave? Because it’s all a gradual process in France.
Very similar to how you described.
Depends on the situation, individuals, etc
It’s LA, so I’m not mad if someone is a little late (15 min or less is common and fine, shit happens). If it’s a lot of people maybe people will bring a small app or dessert. Bringing a bottle of wine or a (nice) beer is great, and also common. Helping with dishes is not expected but it’s polite to offer (at Thanksgiving my SO’s thing is *always* to jump in and do the dishes afterwards). Leaving will
depend on location and the relationship/individuals. Here it is easy to use traffic as a reason to leave when you’re ready (“oh i better go now, it’s gonna take an hour to get home, bye! thank you!”)
Are you expected to arrive right on time?
Depends on the people who’s dinner you’re attending, usually you arrive a little bit later than the set time “fashionably late”
Do you bring a gift?
Eh again depends on the person you’re going to. More formal dinner invites, sure I’ll bring something. Informal ones, I’ll ask my friends what they want me to pick up
Are you expected to help with the dishes?
No, never seen any host expect this.
But mostly, is there a certain way to express you want to leave?
If you’re a guest you just say its getting late and you want to leave. If you’re a host you say it’s late and are sure everyone has a long day tomorrow which encourages guests to leave. Or do whatever feels comfortable to you in either scenario. There isn’t a single set way to say “get out” though
Are you expected to arrive right on time?
Not really— you have a 15ish minute window (depending on how well you know the hostess, it can be longer or shorter)
Do you bring a gift? Usually something small/less than $20– flowers, wine, chocolate; when I have guests from out of state I love when they bring a small thing their state’s known for— seafood seasoning, napkin rings with the state animal, barbecue sauce, etc. And sometimes we have “potluck” dinners where everybody brings an appetizer/side/dessert and the host is usually responsible for the meat/main course.
Are you expected to help with the dishes? Absolutely not, but it’s polite to offer
But mostly, is there a certain way to express you want to leave?
You don’t have to do long goodbyes— it’s just a matter of waiting for the host and hostess (and guest of honor/person who is being celebrated if there is one) to wrap up their conversation, thanking and complimenting them repeatedly, and saying you’re heading on down the road…then accepting the plate(s) they will insist you take with you. So it can take a minute, but you don’t have to say goodbye to everybody multiple times.
Wisconsin:
Generally arrive on time or a little bit late. (I would call if it’s going to be more than 15 minutes though). Arriving early isn’t cool, then your host has to entertain you *and* finish making the meal, setting the table, etc.
Bringing drinks or a desert is pretty standard.
Practically everybody offers, but I’ve never allowed a guest to wash dishes in my house, and I’ve never actually washed dishes while visiting someone else.
Leaving. In the midwest, the thigh trick is pretty effective. Otherwise, if you’re the guest it’s pretty easy to say “Oh gee, look at the time, I better be going.” But if you’re hosting, be prepared to drop a *lot* of subtle hints. . . because I don’t know of any polite ways to directly tell someone “I’m tired and bored. Go home.”
Typical American dinner:
* Guests arrive with booze and maybe a side dish
* Snack, drink, talk
* Sit at table for the main course
* More drinks
* Everybody sits around and talks until it goes silent.
* Night ends when guest slaps their legs and goes “WELP” which is American for “it is time I retire for the night”
* Guests leave
It depends on the demographics of the people involved. Generally, IME, you’re told when food will be served, and you’re expected to be there “a little while” before that. Sometimes it’ll be more like “We’re eating around 7, but feel free to show up any time after 5” kind of thing.
You generally do not bring a gift just for having dinner, but you might bring something to go with the dinner if it’s clear that it’s taht sort of thing.
Dishes just depends on the host.
People express they want to leave in different ways, there’s no one correct way to do it IME. Some people, like myself, just stand up and say “well, I’m gonna have to be heading out, but thanks for dinner!…” but others can putz around for quite awhile.
Going to my best friend’s house for dinner would be way different than going to my child’s best friend’s parents’ house for dinner.
For the former, I wear what I want and bring only the pleasure of my company.
For the latter, I stress too much and overthink the little things and probably give off the impression that we’re weirdos.
“Are you expected to arrive right on time?”
A little bit early but not too early. That way they have time to say hello to you, introduce you to anyone else there, take your coat, hand you something to drink, etc.
On time is actually a bit late, because it isn’t as if people teleport directly into their chair at the dinner table. :p
“Do you bring a gift?”
Typically a guest says “what can I bring?” If told ‘nothing,’ they are off the hook, but many will still bring a bottle of wine, or something for the host/ess. (Note: Make sure the host or household is not alcohol-free.)
A gift might be some flowers, something from a local bakery; if it’s a potluck then definitely they’d bring some premade foods.
“Are you expected to help with the dishes?”
No. A guest is a guest. I have overheard some people complain that their son brought a girl home to meet them, and she didn’t offer to wash the dishes. To me though, that’s very strange. Putting a guest to work or expecting them to dirty their hands or do chores is extremely bad manners and thoughtless in my opinion. So, no.
But you can still offer “can I help?” Or “is there anything I can help with/do?” because that’s considered good manners. But they’re supposed to say “no, you sit; you are a guest.”
“But mostly, is there a certain way to express you want to leave?”
Something like “Well, we should be heading out…” or “It’s about that time…” or “Well, we should go…” or “work early in the morning…” etc. And then, say your goodbyes and go. Don’t be a passive leaver. : p
Also don’t be last to leave. When dinner has ended, there is nothing but crumbs or the table has been cleared, when conversation has quieted, it’s time to go.
The host(s) might say “oh, so soon?” But that’s just politeness. That’s your cue to compliment and thank them for the event/evening/dinner and go.
One thing that I beg guests not to do in an American household, which might be different in some other cultures:
Please do not suddenly begin cleaning or sweeping or dusting or washing things in the household, when you arrive (or at any point later on.) Always ask vaguely such as “can I help with anything?”
Otherwise it’s a huge insult because you are saying their house is dirty or, really, not clean enough for you.
And if they say no, just smile and accept it and carry on enjoying the evening.
This also includes outdoor chores and things like that. This also includes “helping in the kitchen” without being asked or asking: i.e. implying the cooking isn’t up to par.
>30-40 minutes can pass between the first “well, we won’t stay much longer!” and the moment we’re out the door. It’s annoying when your social battery is running low but you don’t want to be rude.
This happens exactly the same here, in my experience. And I also hate it lol
We do not have formal dinner parties in my region.
Well maybe the senior citizens and government officials do 🤷
So maybe you roast a chicken which is a pretty safe bet or a little pork shoulder.
People typically bring a side if you’ve been incredibly clear that we sharing a meal.
Certainly have something refreshing on ice 🍾🍉
Then it’s fix your own plate and sit on the porch or a truck tailgate in the yard.
No one dresses up. People come in leggings, muddy boots, converse, overalls, whatever
Walking around the animal pens with a little nosh off charcuterie board and a bottle of champagne is pretty normal.
I would much rather see my friends and have a great time. Eat a little something and laugh till I’m crying on the porch. Then worry about silver spoons and flower arrangements
Btw we are late 30s to early 40s US adults
>Are you expected to arrive right on time?
Kind of. You’re expected to arrive pretty close to the agreed upon time, which would typically be a while before a planned serving time, during which time a host would often offer snacks.
>Do you bring a gift?
Bottle of wine or six pack of good beer would be considerate but not expected or counted upon.
>Are you expected to help with the dishes?
Not *expected* per se, but it’s a nice gesture and in most cases I’ll try to help out when a guest and guests of mine also tend to help out when I host.
>But mostly, is there a certain way to express you want to leave? Because it’s all a gradual process in France. 30-40 minutes can pass between the first “well, we won’t stay much longer!” and the moment we’re out the door. It’s annoying when your social battery is running low but you don’t want to be rude. Everything is made not to seem like we’re in a rush to get out.
Generally similar situation here.
> Are you expected to arrive right on time?
I hope not. Because I never do lol
> Do you bring a gift?
It depends. But if I was to bring a gift, it would probably be a dessert or a bottle of wine.
> Are you expected to help with the dishes?
I never expect anyone to help at my house. But I would probably offer at someone else’s.
> But mostly, is there a certain way to express you want to leave?
Well, look at the time. We have got to get going.
Depends on the people coming over and the occasion, really.
A few people that are family or good friends getting together is going to be different from a holiday party and different from a backyard cookout, etc. Generally the larger the gathering the less of a big deal it is to be late, especially for holidays when people might have other obligations.
Bringing gifts and helping to clean up all depends on your relationship with the host and the type of gathering. Alcohol is usually welcome, and for certain types of party it might be nice or even semi-required to bring some snacks or food. For christmas or some other holidays people will bring gifts, sometimes big ones for family or small ones for a game like pollyanna. Generally you don’t bring a gift to a dinner party or other party unless you’re really close to the people hosting and even then it isn’t super common.
The whole goodbye thing also depends on the individuals. I’m not really much for that whole thing you’re describing (it’s a stereotype that midwestern Americans do that but I’ve known people from all over that do) when I’m ready to go I’m ready to go.
Arrival time: It’s polite for your host to say something when you’re invited to indicate when they plan for the meal to be ready to serve as well as the earliest they’d like for guests to start arriving. Arrive in that window, no later than 15 minutes before the meal is supposed to begin.
Gifts/additions : highly depends on level of familiarity and formality. If asked “Can we bring anything / do you need anything,” by my best friend and his wife, I might ask them to pick up something extra like a small dessert, bag of ice, etc depending on the event. If I were going to a more formal party or somewhere I wasn’t overly familiar with the hosts, I might bring along a modestly priced but well rated bottle of wine, or a small bouquet or something…very contextual.
Helping with dishes: No. not usually. Close friends will often offer help, but otherwise the hosts are fully prepared to take on these responsibilities themselves after guests have left. Dishwashing machines are very very common in the US so the burden isn’t huge.
Leaving: wait for a lull in conversation, thank your hosts for their hospitality, state that you feel it’s time for you to depart, offering a small explanation if it feels appropriate, and say your goodbyes. “Well, it’s been a lovely evening, and the meal was delicious, but I think we’re going to have to go before it gets much later; we only hired the babysitter until 10:00pm / we have to be up early for work tomorrow / etc.” is a typical exchange.
It depends on the ages.
If its one of the boys with a current, they usually bring a gift, arrive an hour before eating, and stay for 1 to 2 hours after.
If its “family”(in laws, mom, brother) there is usually a food items as a “gift” to add to the meal. They all usually arrive 30 mins before food and leave 30 mins after. They come for free food, period. I hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner for 18 years and, one of the few good outcomes to my house fire, is I stopped for 2 years (except the spread I cooked for the hotel staff in 2018 for Thanksgiving) and have avoided any subject on the matter since.
Friends come and its casual. I cook better and extravagantly, and they know any added item would detract from the meal, so none are expected or needed. Friends come several hours early and leave several hours after.
It sucks. I have to deep clean the house before they come, usually order in food which I would prefer to eat at a restaurant, then clean when they go. It’s barely enjoyable. If they spend the night it’s so stressful.
When I invite guests over, I tell everyone to bring what they want to drink. Usually folks bring a bottle of wine or beer. Close friends who drink hard alcohol will keep a bottle for their use here, and I have a bar setup, tonic, and seltzers.
Over the past couple of years because of the everything I haven’t hosted as many guests, but my preferred way to do it is lots of appetizers and snacks in a buffet. I don’t host formal sit-down dinner parties very often.
I am from Minnesota and the long, drawn out process of saying goodbye is the norm. I’ve lived on the east coast in NYC and Philadelphia for half my life now, and here people say their goodbyes more quickly, it’s not rude to get up and leave. If it’s someone else’s party I even do the occasional “Irish goodbye” where I slip out the door without saying anything and no one has a problem with it.
First the appetizers.
Then the magic show.
Then its dinner time.
Eat dinner, have sex party, do drugs, fall asleep in pool.
I live in south Florida, so we run on Miami time. Which means, if you’re on time; you’re too early. Your host isn’t expecting you to get there on time. For a dinner, 15-30 minutes late is more normal.
I would always bring a gift, if going to someone’s house for dinner. Nothing expensive, maybe a bottle of Joyvin wine. It’s light, sweet and works for people who may not be heavy drinkers.
I have never been to someone’s house where they expected me to help with the dishes. But if you arrived before they were set up, offering to help set up.
When it’s time to leave, you slap your hands on your legs, turn to your partner and say, “Well, I guess it’s about that time.” That indicates you are going to leave.
If you are at someone’s house and they say, anything like, “We don’t want to keep you,” or to each other, “We’re going to need to wake up early,” it is an indication that it is time for you to go.
There are two types of dinner parties I’m most commonly involved with that I’ll focus my reply around: (1) the monthly potluck dinner parties I have with my core friends and (2) the more formal dinner parties I have with less close friends. The answers would be completely different for holiday meals with family/friends.
>Are you expected to arrive right on time?
Depends on which group of friends I’m with haha. If I’m not super close or haven’t been told otherwise I’d generally assume that you want to arrive as close as possible to the stated time, but not before. However it seems most of my friends live by an “add thirty minutes to be fashionably late” rule, so with the close ones I’d shoot for 30 minutes after the quoted time.
>Do you bring a gift?
For the potlucks yes! We all prepare something to spread out the burden based on whatever theme we chose. If it’s not a potluck, I’d bring at minimum wine or some cookies. However, I’ll also usually ask what I can bring. If they tell me something specifically, I’ll try to bring that. Otherwise I default to good ol’ wine or cookies.
>Are you expected to help with the dishes?
Expected, no, but we almost always offer to help. Sometimes that offer is accepted, sometimes not. Usually it’s as simple as collecting the dishes, rinsing them, and then pushing them in the dishwasher though. Nothing crazy complex.
>But mostly, is there a certain way to express you want to leave?
Say “I think I’ve got to head out” or “I think it’s time for me to run” and then say goodbye or finish conversations for another 30 minutes or so before actually leaving.
This varies so much based on your personal background. I’m ethnically Greek and I have a lot of Indian friends, we joke about being an hour or two late to stuff as being on time. I would never expect anyone to show up within an hour of an invitation. I’ve had people show up 4 hours late. It’s fine by me. And my in-laws are the “on time is late” type who sit outside your door a half-hour early and wait.
This is the kind of thing you negotiate and kind of explicitly have to discuss with people at some point because everyone’s idea of polite is very different on this.