Sorry this is a long one
My S/O (39F) and I (40M)have been together for nearly 7 years living together for 5 years. I have two children both boys age 10 and 19, she has two kids as well 13 year old boy and 15 year old girl. Things have never been perfect as they rarely ever are, but over the last 18 months my s/o has gone to rehab 3 times for alcoholism, gone through counseling, AA meetings, met with specialists the whole thing…
Fast forward to about 5 weeks ago I went to the doctor and got blood results back suggesting I may have cancer. I spent the last 4 weeks freaking out going through tests scans, biopsies, etc. The whole time she kept right ahead drinking. So anyway I’m supposed to go see my doctor this past Friday and get a CT scan, the last test before we find out I’m positive or not. I get home that night and she’s drunk and tells me that I’m lying about the dr visits and that i must be cheating on her.
I didn’t sleep all night, I’m up all night worried about the results and it suddenly dawns on me…if I have to go through chemo and radiation and all of that…who’s going to take care of me? Who will drive me to my treatments, who will take care of me while I’m sick and/or dying. I spent all night just sitting up realizing that the past 5 years all I’ve done is take care of her, she doesn’t work, stays home, I pay all the bills, I cook, and take the kids to practices and school. I not complaining I actually like doing all that stuff.
So anyway she wakes up Saturday morning without a care in the world, like nothing happened. And I was about to let it go, but then she left the house to grocery shop and came home drunk. Ok I’m gonna let that go also, then I hear her on the phone with her ex ( my stepson father) talking about how I’m lying and I’m def cheating, and she doesn’t understand why bc she thinks I’m gay bc I haven’t wanted sex in weeks.
I fucking snapped, I mean I’ve def raged out before but this was on another level. I didn’t touch her but I told her everything I’ve been holding back for years. Asked her to not sleep in the room, etc. So Monday comes and I hear first from my boss who wants to know about my health then drops this news in my lap he wants me to move out of state. I told him I’d think about it. Then my Dr calls Holy Shit it isn’t cancer! I’m so excited I call s/o to tell her and all she says is “see I knew you were lying.”
So now I’m sitting at work all day and suddenly it hits me, I’m tired of this relationship, I’m not perfect but I feel like I’m fairly good, and everything she’s doing made me realize she has no respect for me, no gratitude at all and I’m the one trying to help and support her through her alcoholism while I’m possibly facing a terminal illness and she’s talking about weird stuff with her ex. So I came home and told her I’m done, I’m moving in 2 months, and that I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore.
Why do I feel so terrible? My guilt for her children is making me second guess my own decision. And I’m lying if I said I didn’t love her but how much van one person take?
Tl;dr: How far can a guy get pushed
4 comments
You feel terrible because it’s sucks, but she needs to get her life together and that’s not your responsibility. Focus on you and your kids. That is not a healthy household to raise them in. Get out while you can.
I can hear the relief all through this post. The relief that you don’t have cancer, the relief upon Your epiphany. That she is a huge drag and negative, and is contributing nothing to you or the relationship. IMO, your conscience should be clear. You’ve come this far, now complete this. ,you deserve your freedom from this, and she can make her own way afterwards. Honestly, do not let her guilt you into continuing to support her.
No you are not.. Alcoholics have to want to change, clearly she doesn’t… You have been a good husband and father to your kids and hers… that’s the sad part, leaving her kids.. You need to leave, so glad you do not have cancer.. Now, you have the rest of your life to live.. Decide if you want to go out of state for work, but consider how it will be for your kids.. The hard part is her kids, you will miss them, wonder if they are ok. Perhaps let one of their relatives know what is going on, and that you are leaving. Good luck.
NTA, but you might be [codependent](https://www.reddit.com/r/AbuseInterrupted/comments/brpsiq/characteristics_of_codependency/). ([Also](https://www.reddit.com/r/AbuseInterrupted/comments/99qs2z/breakups_are_hard_for_codependent_people/))
This has been a one-way relationship for a long time. You have been the caretaker, meeting everyone’s needs (possibly with the exception of your own). You haven’t been able to communicate authentically, because she’s not able to handle it. It sounds like you’re getting zero support of any kind.
This action feels to you like abandonment because you know she needs your support to avoid consequences, many of which will affect her children.
You are fortunate to have had a clarifying moment. Don’t write your decision off as impulsive–it’s been a long time coming. Put a two-month calendar on the wall and ‘X’ each day as it passes. Maybe post another question about how best to help her children.