Hi All,
So I am friends with this guy and we vibed through some of our hobbies.
As our friendship developed, he told me that ‘girls and guys can’t be friends’ and i’d said that I didn’t agree. But he said, he didn’t need female friends in his life. I brushed this off, because I like his company and we do a lot of cool activities together.
Fast forward, a month later, he tries to kiss me and I pull back and say no. He brushes it off. And I tell him that he needs to chill.
About a month later, after spending so much time with one another etc, I decide I want to kiss him. Now he is not my ‘typical type’, but I am trying to push past this and go for men who are caring and kind as opposed to lust driving and emotionally unavailable.
The kiss was nice. And he says he wants to take me out on a date once my gran leaves town, as she was living with me for 6w and needed me to take care of her.
Fast forward 7w. We sleep together. It was really bad. I cried after for 2 reasons: 1) the sex was so bad, 2) after my cheating ex I kinda promised myself not to sleep with anyone till marriage and felt like I had disappointed myself. But honestly, the sex was so bad. He is my height (something I have never been open to before – shorter than me), and also slimmer than me, but his character is lovely. But he didn’t make me come, and even though we were making out and heavy petting, I said I didnt want to have sex, and he kept trying it, so I guess I must have become seduced and just had sex. I don’t want to act like I didn’t consent. Was he forceful, i.e very passionate and kept kissing on me and trying to put it in etc, yes. But I could have got up and said STOP, but there is also a part of me that thinks ‘ I did it for him’, another thing I was really hurt by, from myself. I need to learn to say no.
I digress.
We kept seeing each other etc, and got closer. I still don’t feel that ‘OMG I want to rip your clothes off’ feeling, but I like our cuddles and activities. All this time, we had sex 4 times in total since Dec 2021, And he didnt make me come once. He doesnt even go down on me. Even though I have told him. Last week we had sex, honestly I wasnt even turned on, I just got lube, got it on, let him slide in, and let him finish. I don’t know why. I feel like my body is betraying me. Like, this is a nice guy, but 0 is happening downstairs. 0.
This is a man who is closer to marriage material than any of my ex’s and yet – 0.
He promised to take me on a date, and we keep chilling together and going out for dinners and activities etc. But never ‘ today we are going on a date’. I feel like we are dating exclusively (because I asked if he was talking to anyone else) without ever saying ‘we are dating/exclusive’.
Anyway: my question is: now I feel anxious, because I wanted to date someone properly so I could ask them questions significant for marriage purposes.
This guy believes in polygamy, but when I ask him, he says I am neither for or against. Red flag.
The guy loves that I am a tomboy – the minute I get emotional or sensitive over something (usually around him not defining if we have a future or not – I feel like I am in limbo), he says I am being emotional, or sensitive – is my period coming, you know the typical man BS.
Have I just been played by a ‘good guy player’?
14 comments
[removed]
***his character is lovely***
***I said I didnt want to have sex, and he kept trying it***
***Was he forceful, i.e very passionate and kept kissing on me and trying to put it in etc, yes.***
***This guy believes in polygamy, but when I ask him, he says I am neither for or against.***
***the minute I get emotional or sensitive over something (usually around him not defining if we have a future or not – I feel like I am in limbo), he says I am being emotional, or sensitive – is my period coming, you know the typical man BS.***
His character isn’t lovely, and he’s not marriage material.
Yikes.
He pressures you into bad sex.
You don’t feel like you can talk to him about how to improve the sex.
You don’t feel like you can discuss questions that are important to you to know for long term compatibility.
You’re spotting red flags around your relationship preferences.
He dislikes when you are emotional and makes misogynistic comments.
You deserve better.
He’s completely ignoring your intimate and emotional needs despite having them pointed out to him? Is that really someone you would consider marriage material? Don’t your needs deserve to be met too? More importantly, are these the kind of things you want to keep putting up with? Cause this guy reads like he has no desire to alter these behaviors.
‘This man is closer to marriage material than any of my exes yet’.
I shudder to think what your exes were like. This guy is absolutely NOT kind and caring.
Um, this guy isn’t a “good guy” player. He’s a fucking asshole.
FYI- it’s not “typical man BS” to tell women they’re being too emotional or ask if they’re on their period if they’re upset. Do NOT accept this type of bullshit just because he’s a dude. It’s 2022 and the actualgood guys know better by now.
Also, girl, you deserve good sex with your partner AND a partner who listens when you say no! This guy isn’t even trying and he doesn’t even care that during sex you’re just slapping on lube and letting him finish.
None of what you’ve written sounds like marriage material to me. What it sounds like is that you’ve left a difficult relationship that made you feel unworthy and that you’ve carried that feeling on into a new relationship. You have to understand that you ARE worthy of healthy, secure and good love. That you don’t have to accept whoever will take you. Dump this loser and find someone who will see your worth and treat you accordingly.
* I said I didnt want to have sex, and he kept trying it, so I guess I must have become seduced and just had sex.
What this is is NOT seduction. It is coercion and it’s not ok. I’m so sorry
That ‘men and women can’t be friends’ this was your first flag.
There is nothing wrong with having sex before you get married and you don’t to date someone Just because you think they are nice. Which he isn’t.
Please for the love of god dump this man. He’s not giving you anything you want in a partner!
Its not normal but its pretty par for the course based on how you guys started your weird relationship together.
Just friends >he tries to kiss you-you reject > He tells you he’s not interested in friendship > You kiss him > you guys have sex > regret sex, but have more regrettable sex > weeks go buy then the first date questions come out and he’s not responsive, leaving you confused.
That is a bit of a shit show. He’s not a player in this instance but you sound like you want to pin that on him to feel better. Just live, learn and don’t put out so many mixed messages and you won’t have to deal with nonsense and future players.
This is NOT a nice guy. Listen to your body!
I mean you do you, but this guy doesn’t sound much like marriage material to me. He pressured you into terrible sex, just what is so appealing about him?
This man coerced you into sex…after which you cried after because it was so terrible and because you felt you had betrayed yourself….
I’m so sorry this happened to you!
This guy sucks and you don’t even seem that into him. Why continue?
0? A real 0? If this person was perfect in every other way… would it work? …. And there seems to be a lot of other imperfections you have mentioned.
If this is a democracy I vote “ be done. “
RUN. Listen to that gut, don’t try to convince yourself. The ones who look good on paper but make you feel like shit are the ones you need to watch out for