Some context
Coworker is the lead in the team although I have more than 5+ years of experience in the field compared to her I am just helping out my boss temporarily with another side of the business until a replacement can be found.
First day on the job, I hear her socializing with the female customers about how creepy and disgusting all men were while male customers were present. There are many more stories like this.
I’ve begun to ignore her and just disengage unless mission critical but her antics started turning towards me. Calling me names while looking directly at me waiting for a reaction. Asking if I want to fight and making jabs on my appearance and age. I often hear the words “everything is his fault”.
I’ve notified my boss twice, with no action being taken still. Only requesting me to be understanding. I’ve spoken to my coworker twice to notify her of her inappropriateness and am watching to see if she will ignore my warnings.
Not sure what to do. I’m on the verge of quitting as this is not even my main responsibility in this company.
29 comments
Can you file an anonymous report claiming to be a “customer” acting completely disgusted and pissed off.
Probably just wants you to engage. Maybe to try and get you fired. Maybe just because she’s a shitty person. If you did engage it would likely end up being framed as though you started it.
I’d say she isn’t worth the energy. Just keep on ignoring. Especially if this is just a temporary position.
Looks like she very much would like to have an open confrontation. I have been baited before, and the moment I reacted it was an express hr-procedure. Lucky for me my reaction was not too bad, but I raised my voice and said a few general swear words. I managed to Get out of the trouble, but it was a horrible six months before I managed to move.
I would try to avoid her and ignore her if you can. If you know you cant take it look for a new job/internal transfer before you have yourself a very real problem. Managment has sided with her once, you dont stand a chance and people like this are master manipulaters.
She is looking for a fight, and you’re the most recent target. I’m guessing the bosses know what’s going on, they just don’t have enough power to let her go or else they would have gotten rid of her a long time ago.
One of the methods that I use is called gray rock method.
“The grey rock method is a strategy for protecting yourself from abusive or toxic friends, partners, co-workers, or family members. This method theorizes that, when dealing with an emotionally abusive, toxic, or narcissistic person, withholding your reactions can put a stop to their behaviors.”
[more information ](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method#:~:text=The%20grey%20rock%20method%20is%20a%20strategy%20for%20protecting%20yourself,a%20stop%20to%20their%20behaviors.)
Do you have documentation (email, etc)of the times you notified your boss? If not, do the notification in an email and reference the 2 prior times you notified them.
If you do have documentation escalate to HR. Explain the situation and send them the emails or whatever documentation you do have.
Before you do anything check your employee handbook, make sure there is a “no retaliation” clause. There should be other info in there about professionalism and civility. When you contact HR make sure to point out which of these your coworker is violating.
Is your company not big enough to have an HR department?
If they have an HR department this seems like a perfect situation for them to resolve.
Sounds like a metastasizing cancer.
She sounds like a monster who is trying to ruin you.
I think strategic thinking is necessary here, starting with do not engage at all with her. Avoid her at all costs, as much as you can. From there, I’d think long term – how much longer will you two work together?
If it’s indefinitely, I’d start thinking about finding another role somewhere else.
Sex discrimination. It’s a protected class thing. Document and escalate.
If you are not already, make sure you document everything. You want a paper trail of everything inappropriate that she says or does.
Keep a log with dates and times and anyone else that was present, including customers and specific coworkers.
1. Keep your hands clean and never reciprocate or stoop to her level.
2. Document everything.
3. Tell HR.
If there’s an HR department, you’re being harassed. Document and report.
If there’s NOT an HR department, just a boss, document her behavior, both towards you and around clients (if you record her on the phone and let her know you’re doing it, she’ll probably allow you to in order to show what a badass she is, at which point it’s admissible in court), then quit and sue.
Being the “better person” here is just going to end up with her winning. This is a knife fight. Treat it as such.
Can you pretend to be matter-of-fact with her and email her any of the things she says, but wrapped up in a question, so that you’re innocently asking her to double down on writing?
“Hey [sexist lady]! You’ve mentioned a couple times that [X (all men are pigs or whatever)]. I’m concerned that we may be artificially capping our customer base by not properly screening out the bad apples you mentioned. I’ll defer to your expertise here, but since the position of our company is [X], do you think we need to consider updating our [Y] policy to reduce our quantity of male customers and increase our revenue?”
Basically pretend like the obvious business decision based on the information she provides is to be objectively sexist, but that you both casually agree that this is her idea. See if you can get her to unwittingly agree in writing that she is being sexist, but without her realizing it.
Approach this in a way that makes the boss care ie she is being inappropriate around customers and potentially scaring away business.
This plus the idea of anonymously filing a customer complaint might get his attention.
Can you just go back to your regular job?
Find her man and fuck him. Than fall in love with him and run away together and start a healthy happy relationship. The kind where it’s so wonderful you don’t even care anymore and at the same time she facebook stalks him.
That’ll teach her.
Nah but for real probably just get a new job. It’s one thing to have to deal with a shitty boss it’s another to have to put up with a job that, it sounds like, doesn’t care that you’re being treated like that.
Maybe let her car or something on the way out? (I’m kidding.)
Get a flip notebook. Take it out whenever she starts saying inappropriate things and write down what she’s saying along with the date. Don’t engage with this person otherwise. And look for another job.
Threaten to quit due to a hostile work environment and blame her as the culprit
That sucks I’m sorry. I work a a predominantly female company, my team is 15 ppl. Only 2 of us our guys. In our team meetings they often vent about their personal lives, many bash their husbands, which turn into “men do this or don’t do” I just zone out and wait until we actually start discussing work. Use to bug me bc i disagreed with a lot of it. Then decided it’s easier to just not care/pay attention.
Are you in Amercia? It sounds as though its an established enough company where it at least has an HR team. Her behaviour is harrassment in the workplace, and not to be tolerated even if its female on male harrassment. Company can be sued by you if you leave because of it as they are clearly not addressing the problem… unless you arent in country where this kind of thing has teeth then id look for another job or outperform her, become her boss and fire her.
Edit: having an HR team is not pre-requisite to being able to report the issue formally, and nor does it matter if you sue because of the lack of action. The company is liable for inaction regardless of HR policies or lack there of.
I’d have a last chat with your boss if there’s no HR dept there. Don’t mention you’re thinking of doing anything else.
If that doesn’t work, talk to an employment lawyer. In the meantime, document the piss out of this. Every day, journal what was said, done, who was there and your response.
As one of the few guys in a large office of women, I hear this all day long and no one will speak up about it, either gender. I know if I say something it’ll be seen as hostile and it’ll be the end of me. So I just stay in my area and do my work, and lift heavy stuff for everyone as requested.
I would begin recording these interactions. All it will take is one false accusation of impropriety against you and you’ll be the one in trouble. Start officially documenting your concerns and what’s happening, and keep copies for yourself as well
Start recording, speak to her directly and respectfully about it, document everything.
If you can’t speak to her like an adult, get some evidence you have spoken to your boss, contact hr, consider a lawyer.
Don’t let her get you fired without pay.
This is an HR issue. Your boss is in a difficult decision to do anything about it. Notify your contact in HR.
There’s shitty culture around this and it may make you feel like a pussy but that’s just double standard crap. If it’s making you uncomfortable or affecting your work performance, it’s harassment, and HR has to perform an “investigation” on it
There may be blow back that could affect your entire department. Example. I once worked in an office with a woman in her late 40s that sat in a corner cubicle. For whatever reason, she was entirely surrounded by other women which she would openly have inappropriate discussions with about men,sex, and dating. She would openly say things like “I love boys in their 20s cause theyre stupid.” I was 25 at the time. I never said anything to anyone but one day, the comments stopped, and the entire department of 40 people had to take a sexual harassment course.
Idk how many people connected the dots, but now I work in talent acquisition and I hear stuff like this all the time.
Honestly bro this is just how some girls at work are nowadays. She’s clearly trying to get a rise out of you, while also trying to see how far she can go without being called out. There are no clear answers, and shit is not fair. I’ve found that laughing, smiling, etc tends to show you’re not bothered and diminishes the other person a bit.
I don’t recommend this, but for example, I just quit the white collar world entirely and embarked on a different career that doesn’t have that kind of vibe (read: mostly dudes). Is what it is.
Go to the twoX sub and ask who there works at your job! Haha
Agree with the anonymous report, also pretend to be a customer and write a yelp review, etc. companies hate bad press.
* Start looking for a new job. Don’t quit unless you got another one lined up
* Record, and document, everything. This means every time you complain to your boss, or HR, you either do it through mail, or you send an email afterwards with a recap of your conversation. Every single time, no exceptions.
* Your boss doesn’t give a shit about you. He cares about covering his ass and getting his next paycheck. Bring up how multiple customers have complained about the attitude of your coworkers. Now that the company is losing $$$ with her behavior, he may start caring about it.
* HR doesn’t give a shit about you. I mean, to them, *Humans* are *Resources*, and they only care about protecting the company. Contact them, but make the conversation about the customers that have complained about your coworker, and about the discriminatory environment your coworker causes. You feeling bad doesn’t cost the company money; losing customers, and bad PR, do.
* Grey rock the shit out of your coworker. It sucks, but you’re already doing it, so keep at it.
I would line up a job and tell my boss that if something doesn’t change I’m leaving as she is creating a hostile workplace.
This is definitely a case of gender discrimination. Are you over 40? If so then your age is also a protected class in the workplace, and her comments about it are on the same footing as if she criticized your race or religion. HR should know about this.
Consult an employment lawyer. Ask them whether they think this is a hostile work environment.