First for context. Neither of us had ever been in a relationship. Surprising and odd sure, but I’ll leave it at that just for context.
Dating lasted a month before we started the relationship.
I honestly don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like or look like. So some of my uncertainties are from lack of experience.
Two parts to this.
First is that I found myself considering if I’d want to end things with her during our first weekend trip. When we first started dating she kept bringing up a date she had with this guy. Eventually I asked her to stop bringing it up. We were out of town in the city she had this one date. She wanted to go to this bar. She proceeded to tell me this was where her date was at. She said it was such a great date. I honestly felt so turned off by that. Why would I want hear about a great date she had with a guy on a solo trip to the city we were now visiting??
On the way to our destination she also randomly added in how hot a guy was in her friends band. I’ve noticed things like this a couple times. It really frustrated me that she didn’t even think how that might not be appropriate for her partner.
I grew silent 2-3 times on the trip and she just thought I was tired. Instead I was considering if I wanted to continue the relationship. I’ve felt a couple times like I’m not exactly what she wanted and I don’t understand why she feels it’s okay to bring past guys up or talk about how attractive other guys are right infront of me.
Tbh I think she is clueless. It’s normal to still be attracted to other people. Everytime I’ve brought things up with her she has always been every understanding. But I felt I was growing tired of her making similar comments and me having to bring them up.
2nd part. When we first started dating she seemed genuinely into me. She still seems into me but I’ve noticed things. Like we had some sexting going on and now I feel her responses are low effort. I’m concerned our relationship with stall out. I think making someone feel wanted and loved is a continual commitment you make. Not something you do at the beginning when in the honey moon phase.
She would write me little letters, give me photos of us, write me really cute texts .. she swooned when I complimented her..
Now I’m sensing early signs that she is giving less effort.
…
So I’m not sure if it’s normal to feel conflicted on ending things here and there. I did think through things after the trip and remembered how hard it was to find someone I clicked with and how I don’t want to throw it out. That the grass might not be greener..
I’m feeling like she had a “high” for the first month or so and now that we have been together for a bit she is starting to be less romantic.
Nothing I can do right now but see how things play out and communicate things I guess.
I just have moments where I feel madly in love with her. Then I have moments where I’m not sure how I feel. Even considering if I’d want to end it.
TLDR:
After 3months of dating I’ve had some moments where I considered if I’d end it. One reason being bringing up past dates and telling me about other hot men. I also feel like the “honey moon” phase is ending and she isn’t putting as much effort. it’s a bit hard for me to summarize my thoughts better.
6 comments
If at 3 months in you’ve already considered a breakup *several times*, that is enough of a hint to go ahead and do it. The first year should be fantastic, easy, and amazing.
>Tbh I think she is clueless. It’s normal to still be attracted to other people.
Actually, it’s not.
You don’t lose your ability to perceive that a person *could* be physically attractive, but if you’re in a monogamous relationship and you’re actually feeling “hot” for other people, as in you are personally feeling attracted to them, and are simply “fighting” the urge, that’s not normal: that only happens if you are entertaining the notion of trading-in your partner.
That doesn’t mean you actively want to leave them, but they’re open to it.
Relationships literally couldn’t work if people were perpetually compelled away from their partners – stability could not be had that way. In relationships where people are committed, they quite literally don’t feel any attraction towards anyone else, irrespective of how that person looks.
This is important because it means you are correct to suspect that there is something “wrong” with her obvious attraction to other people, and the degree to which her mind lingers there.
>2nd part. When we first started dating she seemed genuinely into me. She still seems into me but I’ve noticed things. Like we had some sexting going on and now I feel her responses are low effort
This is inevitable – she’s now seen you stopping and sulking and giving the silent treatment and complaining. None of these things are unnatural or things you should suppress, but they’re natural manifestations of the lack of chemistry or understanding between the two of you, and when we’ve seen our partner behaving this way it’s natural to lose our attraction to them.
The objective of relationships isn’t “to always maintain attraction forever”, it’s “to see if you can build a life together”. Attraction needs to be capable of diminishing because, in many cases, we’re meant to eventually conclude that we can’t build a life with a particular person – if we didn’t lose our attraction to them, we would not be capable of making that assessment.
Of course, we can lose our attraction in scenarios where the relationship can actually be rescued, but in your case I don’t see any particular reason to suspect that your sense of attraction is leading you astray – you two seem incompatible. You’ve become disinterested in one another after the standard short amount of time that incompatible people tend to become disinterested.
All I can recommend is that you keep thinking – keep looking out for signs it isn’t right, and be courageous if those signs become certainty that it just won’t work.
Usually the “honeymoon” phase of dating ends in 3 to 6 months and that’s when many couples end up breaking up. She does sound clueless, it’s immature and unnecessary to talk about hot guys or past dates with someone she’s supposedly interested in creating a relationship with. I’m sure if you did that to her then it would be a problem.
If she already seems like she’s not interested in sex/sexting/romantic stuff anymore I mean cmon, it’s only the 3rd month of dating! In my personal opinion I’d say give it another month and see what happens but do not keep staying for another month to see if things change, it’s too early of a relationship for that. People don’t often have thoughts about breaking up as soon as they get together, they’re usually ecstatic and “in love.”
I wish you all the luck OP!
For the first part, did you explain to her why you wanted her to stop mentioning past dates and hot people – that you felt undesirable because of it, so you want to focus on your relationship and not other people outside it? I don’t know if she’s clueless or not, but some people like talking about those things with their partner. I agree though it’s in poor taste when dating someone new. If you’ve already told her and she still keeps doing it, that’s not ideal.
As for the second thing, I’d mention how things seemed to have settled down and that you’d like to keep on being romantic. I wouldn’t mention you think she’s putting in less effort because those kind of statements tend to get people defensive. Note it is normal for the honeymoon stage to simmer down after a few months. I would talk to her about love languages and what you want from each other too feel loved. Perhaps writing cute notes was too much effort and not sustainable she realized, but if she knew you really appreciated them, maybe she can do it more once in awhile.
Overall I’d definitely talk more before breaking up. All relationships will run into similar issues like this. Then you talk about it, and the person either agrees and makes changes and it works, or they don’t, and then you break up.
she is not clueless she is just inappropriate. she doesn’t sound like gf material to me.
So the first issue is something that a lot of people have to learn. This is her first relationship, so it makes sense that she’s struggling to find the right line. In a situation like that, I’m not looking for perfection from my partner, I’m looking for improvement: “Oh, my partner doesn’t like it when I talk about an ex. Now I know,” and it’s not that you can expect her to never mention him, but you can expect her to mention him less.
Similarly, “Oh, my partner doesn’t like hearing me describe another man as hot. Good to know.” Again, you can’t expect her to NEVER mention it, but you can expect it to come up a lot less. She’s learning.
These sort of things shouldn’t be dealbreakers. It’s a learning process. Even as you get more experience in relationships, you’ll find yourself brushing up against your partner’s boundaries, or her brushing up against yours. Sometimes someone will brush up against a boundary that you didn’t know you had! So, again, you communicate, and they strive to improve, without the expectation that they’ll be perfect.
One important thing about boundaries is that, “Of course they should have known not to talk about that,” is not productive. Everybody draws the “of course everybody knows you don’t …” line in a different place … and of course everybody assumes that everyone else draws it in the same place they do.
On her change in behavior, well, yeah, maybe the rush fades, and you guys will find a new equilibrium, and settle into it. Or maybe … she’s just going through something else. Sexual energy ebbs and flows. And a week or two of lower interest in it shouldn’t be a crisis. Sexting is something most people find less interesting once you’re actually having sex with somebody – it’s a fun flirtation, but once you’re actually hooking up regularly, it rarely has the same intensity (it might occasionally, if you’re apart for other reasons).
And also: not taking their partner for granted is something that most people have to learn. People don’t notice when they’re doing it. So again, instead of leaping to conclusions, let this be something you talk about. “Hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve done such-and-such, what’s that mean to you?” Don’t assume you know the meaning of her behavior, but note it and ask about it. Be curious.