I’m (38M)am finding it hard to date after my wife (32F) passed away

48 comments

1. One step at a time, one day at a time. Enjoy getting to know people who could be romantic partners and ease into it. Try not to think 10 moves ahead and psych yourself out. You’re not in a hurry so just take your time getting to know people organically.

2. Doesn’t sound like you are ready to date, are you in therapy?

3. My mom passed away when I was 12 from a ski-doo accident and my dad was very much in the same boat as you are in now.

   They had married at 19 and stayed together until her death at the age of 35. My parents also had that conversation and he also knew that even if tragedy struck him the world didn’t stop turning and he couldn’t stop living. He wanted to show us that life goes on anyways, you just have to do the best you can with what you have.

   Your wife was, I am sure, an amazing woman and you do very well to cherish her memory and keep her alive for your daughter so she can know who her mother was. But be very careful between cherishing her memory and idolizing her. She was a person and like any person she also had her faults too.

   My father met my step mother 3 or so years after and she once asked my dad if he still loved his first wife, my mom, and if he still loved her how could he love my step mom now. My dad took a moment to think about it and in the best way he could he explained that yeah, he would always love her, they where torn appart not because they stopped loving each other but because circumstances decided that was it. but he could love her memory and also love my step mother for the wonderful woman she was as well. that it wasn’t a competition because they each where cherished to him. She was the love of his life then, and now my step mom is the love of him life now. He could never compare them because it’s apples and oranges.

   These are 2 different people, you have to first take your dearly departed wife off the pedestal you put her on that makes you compare her to any other woman coming into your life now. cuz that isn’t really fair, once you do that. once you make her human again you can start realizing that not everyone is perfect, and you can start looking for a new partner without the shadow of the old one constantly in the background to compare these women to.

   Love isn’t something that can be divided, it grows and multiplies and just because you love a new woman does not mean you love your first wife any less. and just because you love and adore your first wife does not mean any other woman that comes after will be lacking, it just means they will be different.

4. I’m so sorry for your loss.

   Have you spent any time in therapy and grief counseling? If not, I would. And I’d be sure to find one who specializes in blended families so they can help you navigate this in the healthiest way possible for yourself and your kiddo.

   In my (44F) experience, it is a whole lot easier to date/partner with someone who is divorced—even amicably—than to be with someone whose partner died—for the exact reason you mentioned. It can feel like you’re constantly competing with a ghost and people tend to “glorify” a lost partner—only thinking of the good stuff so it’s like you’re in competition with a saint. It doesn’t feel so good.

   I’d also tell you that, again in my experience and in that of the stepmoms in the group I mod, that it’s far easier to blend in a new female partner in het relationship when the kids are under age 10. Once they get into the tween years, there can be a lot of competition for your attention.

   I’ve not suffered a loss like you. I did get divorced and it sucked but it’s not the same as experiencing a loss due to death so I can’t pretend to know how you feel. But I did love my (turned out to be gay) husband and when I started dating again, I did kind of hold him up for comparison in my mind because I didn’t marry the guy for no good reason, ya know? I kind of wanted to have all the things I’d had in him just…not gay.

   As for the mommy 2.0 thing, I’m glad you aren’t looking for that because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. I think you just have to make that clear. And don’t even think about exposing your kiddo to someone unless/until it’s a pretty sure thing. Something like 6-12mos minimum.

   I know you didn’t ask for dating advice but if I may….

   After my divorce, I took a year for myself/therapy. When I decided to start dating again, I made a profile on Tinder with pics of me doing the things l love and want to do with a partner (fishing, horses, dogs). If I saw a potential match, we’d message for a day or two then I’d set up a coffee or drink “date”. It makes no sense to me to waste a ton of time “talking” because once you actually meet in person, you usually know in 5 min or less if you’re at all attracted.

   I went on about 25 first dates, 10 second, and 1 third over 2 mos. Been with 3rd date guy (and his kiddo) for 5 years now and we are happy.

   I would strongly suggest that you not put any pics of your kid on a dating app but that you do mention you have a child and you have the parenting under control and are looking for a partner not mommy 2.0.

   Good luck! I really do hope you’ll work with a therapist though because there will be some transitions in the future that a professional can help you with so everyone is getting their needs met in a healthy way.

5. To be fair, you have to go through quite a few dating encounters before you can hope to find one who is truly marriage worthy AND compatible with yourself.

   It might help if instead of trying to replace your wife, you just date with the intention of doing no more than dating. By which I mean light socializing – not random hookups. Another adult to talk to and do things with.

   When you least expect it, you’ll be smacked upside the head by a woman who is perfect for you. And when that happens, you’ll know it pretty quick.

   So in short, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your approach and your finding shortfalls with these ladies, just adjust your expectations.

   I’m sorry for your loss.

6. Engage a professional therapist if possible

   I’ve been (kinda) in your position and it’s impossible to find someone new to live up to the ideal you have in your head for your wife

   It’s going to take a lot of work to move past this but it’s worth it

7. Even though it’s been five years I feel like you’re going from 0 to 60, mentally, ever so slightly. Which makes sense! And is totally normal. But it’s likely putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I get that as a single dad you don’t have a lot of time to waste and you would like whoever you meet to be a good influence on your daughter (at a minimum). But instead of worrying about how she feels about being a stepmom or comparing your date to how you felt after years with your wife, try to go in with a “whatever happens” attitude. And that sometimes love can be a slow burn versus a lightning bolt. That doesn’t make it lesser, just different.

   The only expectation you should have of yourself is to get out there and be able to hold a conversation and exercise that dating muscle. That’s it for now! If you don’t feel it for whatever reason that is fine! That’s normal for a lot of us lol. You chalk it up to a good story and keep going. Stay open and you’ll be ok.

   It’s lovely that your wife gave her blessing so to speak for you to carry on without her but I am willing to bet that came with the caveat “don’t force it and for the love of god have some FUN!” ❤️ You are not doing her or you or your daughter a disservice by taking your time and being true to yourself. I doubt she’d want you to see this as a chore!

8. Well, you’re still in the grief process, obviously. You’ve come to the point that you desire companionship/relationship, but, from your post, you lack the “know how” to proceed, as your dating skills have had no nurture for years at this point.

   Given the uncertainty in your head, I would advise you to retain the skills of a therapist, who will be better equipped to help you parse through all the emotions with which you’re dealing, and enable you to move forward.

   I wish you well, and condolences on your loss.

9. It’s a small dating pool, but finding someone who also lost their spouse is beneficial. My Dad and his girlfriend are in this situation. It’s really neat to see them both talk lovingly about their previous spouses in front of each other and they each have so much understanding and compassion for each others past. There is absolutely no jealousy there.

   Love is not a limited resource. Time is the limited resource. Any new partner should understand that, and understand they have your limited time, but there is no limit to your love. For this reason there is no need to be jealous of a past lover.

10. I was in your shoes, my brother. My wife of 20 years passed when I was 43. My son was 16 at the time.

    I took a couple of years for myself and son. Dating had changed a lot.

    I have met some exceptional women who I have been totally honest with and had some wonderful relationships.

    I am currently dating a wonderful woman with no plans on marrying, but she knows that. The best we will ever be is domestic partners. I love her and she loves me.

    Just be honest with your desires, wants, and needs.

11. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t give any advice about the dating situation but I just wanted to say your daughter seems very lucky to have you. I’m sure you’ve done them both proud.

12. You’re not ready. Go easy on yourself, there isn’t a time limit on processing grief and a major life change. Once you’re ready, it will just naturally happen.

13. Your probably thinking you need to find someone who’s as amazing as her so you can love her the same. That isn’t the case, there will never be anyone like her and that’s okay, you may not even feel as intensely about someone else as you do her, and that’s okay

14. go easy on yourself OP. when you are ready, you will be open to new women and stop comparing. OR, figure out what was missing in your marriage and seek a new partner.

15. No matter what you do/say, there will always be someone who thinks you’re looking for a mommy replacement. That’s completely ok – they’ll filter themselves out for you, saves you time.

    Someone mature enough to see who you are and respect the relationship you have with your daughter, AND the relationship you had with your wife, will be worth the wait.

    This was me after 25 years, starting over again with a young teen to consider. Any new relationship will be based on your compatibility first, then they may get the privilege of meeting your kid. There’s a lot of time and conversation before you even get that far.

    So far as comparing – yeah, that’s normal. And it goes both ways. The more people you meet, the more you realize how many different personalities and perspectives there are. The key is, they’re ALL different. Hopefully one day you will meet that one person who gets it and it will feel natural. Different, but natural. I got really lucky and have been happy for 14 years the 2nd time around. It can happen, but you have to be open to it. Different is not bad or wrong, just different.

16. It sounds like you’re not actually ready to date yet.

    Don’t seek it out. Let it happen when you feel it.

17. You mention that you’re keen for companionship. Do you think maybe you’re wanting just that and not a physical relationship, just company?

    You may be forcing yourself when you’re not ready. Do you have any hobbies that you do with friends?

18. I had a maid that died early too. And I immediately jumped into something. I don’t even know what I was thinking. I think I was just reacting. Of course it didn’t last and I didn’t date for years after.

    I didn’t open my heart to love again for years. you just have to keep putting yourself out there and be patient and then when you don’t feel like dating, don’t date. Just one day at a time.

19. You need to balance that negative thought with a positive one. Ik it’s easier said than done but when you feel that thought pop up, think opposite.

    I’m sorry man, that’s rough. But you’re going to make it

20. Therapy. Introducing partners to kids that age can be tough. Have u talked to her about it?

21. I lost my partner to a brain tumour when I was 32, he was 42. I was a mess for two years, I couldn’t even hug my kids nevermind think about dating again. My partner was the most amazing guy. I decided to try dating after about 4 years, I compared everyone to him, I had built a big wall around myself to prevent getting emotionally attached or hurt. It was difficult at first, I lost part of my identity when he died, I wasn’t the same person I had been before and didn’t really know what I was looking for, I just wanted something to fill that empty sick feeling I had inside and try and feel normal again. I eventually accepted that you can’t move on with life if you are constantly living in the past. I knew I would never find anyone that measured up to my partner, I didnt really want to replace him, i wanted to meet someone different, that was just as great but in their own way. Getting out and meeting people surprisingly fun, I felt like a normal person again not just someone’s widow. It helped build my confidence again and I met some really great guys. I was honest about my situation from the start, it took me about six months of seeing the same person before I could let my guard down, he was amazing and we ended up in a relationship for four years. The only thing I couldn’t do was introduce him to my daughter, I wanted to protect her at all costs. I figured she had been through enough and I didn’t want to bring someone into her life that could potentially leave at sometime in the future. I also really struggled with the thought of getting emotionally attached and being abandoned in the future, I didnt think I would recover a second time. So i stuck with that rule over the years, I just dated etc outside my home, yes it wasn’t ideal and caused problems at times, its difficult to be in a relationship with someone when you cant really involve them in your everyday life. Im older now and single and my daughter is now an adult. I know everyone is different but I think putting her wellbeing before my own was the right think to do for us. I know I don’t need to say this but I think we all should be sure that any future relationships are going to be longterm before introducing to our kids, not just in our situation, just in general. I dont understand those who bring multiple partners into their homes without giving it a second thought about how emotionally damaging it can be to children.

    You will probably find it difficult at first, there are a lot of mixed emotions but stick with it. Try not to overthink things, go out and meet new people, be honest about what you are looking for, some women might not want to date a single dad especially a widowed single dad, personally I wouldn’t have a problem with it as long as I knew that you were ready to meet someone new and weren’t looking for someone to step into your wife’s shoes.

    You can only try and see how it goes, you might be pleasantly surprised. Losing a partner is devastating,, its a huge step in the right direction that you are now at the stage where you can think about the future, I hope that it works out great for you, you deserve to be happy, we all do ❤️

22. Don’t have advice just when you finally meet one make sure your daughter comes first, don’t force the step mom to be called mom unless your daughter wants too.

23. I’m writing as what I saw my mom do after she lost her husband. She didn’t even date for 9 years so if you’re ready you’re ready and that’s wonderful but you don’t have to be ready yet. And then she dated a few people that she knew wouldn’t be her new partner – just nice people to get her back in to the dating scene. Eventually she found someone with similar life experiences and goals! I think the big thing was kind of allowing herself to compare and remember and then when you’re actually ready you won’t be comparing so much anymore.

24. So sorry for your loss.

25. There are good women out there who not only will be open to loving you and your daughter but also honoring and respecting your late wife. Start a relationship and be honest about not wanting someone to come in and erase your wife or take her place because no one can do that. You might find that someone who has experienced this by either losing their spouse as well or who comes from a blended family are exceptionally open to this. But I know a lot of seriously kind hearted women who by their nature want to respect your wishes, boundaries and also give you time and not rush you.

26. I’m sorry for your loss she’s in a better place now I really hope she is

27. you have my support

28. Quite honestly I don’t think you are mentally ready to start dating again. Take some more time, get some therapy, and maybe just join a singles friendship group and go from there. You loved your wife and noone will replace her, but you can’t keep comparing everyone to her.

29. My husband died 10 years ago, when our kids were 9 and 12. I eventually met someone who I think my husband would have loved as much as I do. I actually say to him that I wish my husband and he could have been friends. I know it’s a sad cliche, but when you meet the right person, you’ll know, and they will understand that your previous relationship is part of who you are.

30. I mentally committed to never comparing my deceased partner to any new partner, and I never did.

    It’s OK to put a toe in the water of dating. If it doesn’t work out right away, that’s fine.

    All you can do is try and learn along the way.

31. I’m so sorry for your loss..
    You should try it.
    The worst that’s going to happen is you’re gonna find out you’re not ready. I’ve been single forever now (my own choice) and sometimes date.
    I see my dates as an opportunity to get to know my self. I focus on having a good time and good conversations. Sometimes I want to see them again and sometimes I don’t and both is fine.
    I can understand it’s hard not to compare but try to be open about it. See dating as an opportunity to get to know yourself. Take it slow have fun and then I’m sure the right person will understand and be patient.. ❤️☀️

32. My theory is that in your head you have convinced yourself that she was the one, that you’ve given up on a subconscious level. Maybe you just feel that giving up on her, even after her passing, isn’t allowed. You need to truly let her go, knowing that you will always remember her, knowing that you DESERVE to be happy with someone else. Give yourself the permission you need.

    If needed, you should consider a grievance counselor.

33. You seem nice. Hope goes well for you and your daughter. Dating is hard.

34. Dating past a certain age is no longer just about romantic dinners, late night texting, and all the lovey-dovey stuff. And especially when you are bringing along an offspring, most people would not say it, but very rarely would one accept it.

    When two people are romantically involved (esp. infatuation phase), ideally they would wish to have full undivided attention, love, and care. So, you got to show that this is not a hurdle both parties have to tackle right from the start.

    Thereafter would definitely be the financial aspect. Sure we might have additional baggage, but are you able to provide a stable home, have a planned out portfolio till you retire, and are still able to dote your loved ones (take them on trips, buy them (& family) gifts, etc).

    And finally, would they be able to see a future with you?

35. I wouldn’t automatically assume that a widowed or single dad was looking for a new “ mom “ for their child(ren) . I have never dated anyone that lost a spouse but it would be hard for me because I would already think they were comparing me to their previous wife and I know I could never live up to those standards . (Maybe that’s my own insecurities though )

36. I think if you are doing a good job raising your daughter, and you’ve waited five years before even starting to date again, I don’t think anyone is going to think you’re looking for “a new mother” for your daughter. Stop overthinking, just go out and socialize a bit and meet some nice women.

37. Also, internal (thinking) comparison is pretty normal, so don’t beat yourself up about it, just make sure never to say those comparisons aloud.

38. It seems you’re not ready for any relationship yet. Get your mind prepared and at the right time it’ll happing by itself. You’ve been honest in your assertions.

39. It seems you’re not ready for any relationship yet. Get your mind prepared and at the right time it’ll happing by itself. You’ve been honest in your assertions.

40. This is 100% my worst fear of all time. It’s almost crippling to think about.

    I’m sorry for your loss. I cant offer any advice, but I truly hope you figure it out and get by.

41. I tried dating a few years after my husband passed in similar circumstances at 39 yrs old. We had 2 kids. In my dating experience, I dated guys who had kids, one was a widower, others were divorced. I was very aware that some of them may have wanted someone who was going to take on the emotional, mental and domestic load. They were specifically looking to remarry or get in a serious relationship/moving in together. Some men just wanted a fun date. Or a FWB thing. What is it you want? Do you just want to date various women? Are you looking for a companion? Do you want a serious relationship? (And yes, some women won’t want to date you, just like some men didnt want to date me). If you have a good profile and you read a potential dates profile, you should be screening for what you are interested in. You cant control what women are going to think. If they are turned off by the status of a single parent, they probably aren’t going to date single parents. You might want to be open to dating single mothers. Will you be thinking she wants a new father for her kids or will you both be looking forward to a fun date? Dating is supposed to be fun, right? Good luck OP. I hope you update us!

42. Hey! I recently met a Dad who has a daughter in same class as my 8 year old at a school event last week. I thought he was a real catch. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how great it was meeting him. I went on a field trip with the class a few weeks ago, and the classmate ( 8f ) had told me that her mom died from a car crash when she was younger. I can see that the dads doing an amazing job raising her. I cant wait to see him again and get to know more about him. You deserve to be happy, and comparing potential dates/partners/ect. to the best is important. I believe that it is setting the bar, so you will be able to find someone that you find fulfillment with.

43. You should talk to a therapist, this one may not be as hard as you think to overcome and a therapist can guide you through it so you can have another healthy relationship in the future, when you’re ready.

44. Dating has a learning curve when you have been out of it for a while. You have to just get out there.

    I was 52 when I divorced. I had not gone out on a date as a single since I was 27. I had to coach myself in a way at the outset, but after a while, I was comfortable.

45. I’m so sorry about your loss. I lost my best friend basically my child (my dog) recently and how I handled it is daily mindfulness meditation, supplements & exercise. The pain may never go away. I heard of people not being ready to get a new dog in 10 yrs. True love means the world.

46. From the point of view of someone who almost died in a car crash I can say that the one thought that went through my head during everything was “I just want my family to be happy.” It was one of the most powerful thoughts I had ever had. I didn’t much care about dying. I just wanted desperately to know my loved ones would be alright. So it is pretty much safe to say that your wife would be desperate to know that you and your daugher would find the strength to be happy even without her. I can understand that losing someone like that is traumatic and I am not saying you should just aim to replace her because that is not possible. But maybe you could give some nice woman a chance if it makes YOU happy? Maybe it helps you to do that if you think about it making your wife happy as well because in the end love is wanting your loved one to be happy and not sad forever. I believe she is always with you no matter what and that she would want you to experience the happiness that comes with falling in love again. But I also think you should do it at your own pace. Don’t rush. Let yourself grieve. It is ok to miss her tremendously and think it is hard to date again. But maybe one day someone nice will come along and make you feel happy and there is nothing wrong with that. I believe love is eternal and it goes on.

47. Therapy. Therapy and more Therapy.

    It’s a taboo and has stigma but the benefits out weigh everything else. I’d go to a therapist even if I didn’t have major issues as it’s a great outlet and gives you perspective. Finding the right one and connecting with them is vital for a positive outcome.

    It’s natural what you’re going through and you will
    need guidance getting back out there, coming out of your comfort zone.

    You’re brave to start dating and it’ll take time before you find the right person who you connect with.

48. Guilt of moving on is common and because you had such love for your wife, you will find moving on hard. Thats said its not impossible. No one will ever replace your wife, the relationship, the bond the love, it will always be with you and will never die but that does not mean you cant find all of that again with someone else. I would say that you need to open your heart again. Your not after a new mum for your daughter, but if you find the right person they will want to take on that role.

    Dont be alone just because your mind tells you that this is now your wife. Jump that hurdle, open up to someone new, open up to someone who will love you for who you are and what you have to offer including your daughter. There will be someone waiting for you and you just have to find them.