I have been struggling with dealing with my boyfriend’s type/preference for a while now and I just feel miserable and hopeless at this point. When we first started dating I used to look at his following list (I know big mistake) and see women that didn’t look anything like me. A few had the ig models/influencers’ look/aesthetics. Very curvaceous, either they have big boobs or a big butt, face full of makeup, and always in revealing makeup. He of course was liking each one of their revealing posts on their pages. Now me on the other hand am on the skinnier side I guess you could say I have a runaway model body type. I’m tall (5”9) I have really small a cups and a small butt, my body shape is more rectangular. I don’t wear face of makeup a lot or super revealing stuff. I tried to ignore the fact that I didn’t look anything like who I think he obviously finds more appealing but it just got worse.
Eventually I told him seeing the girls he follows on instagram/twitter make me uncomfortable and asked if he unfollow them. We had a huge argument but after I expressed how insecure it made me feel he unfollowed them and he deleted his pages. After the argument weeks go by and I’m in the car with him taking pictures on his phone and scroll through his gallery just to go through the pics I just took and see a girl she’s not naked or anything but it looks like a screenshot of a video and i asked him who it was and he said he didn’t know and had to no idea it was on his phone. I don’t know why I felt so uneasy but I did so I asked him again when I got home that day then he says it was just a inside joke he was making with a friend and that it was actually his friend’s girlfriend (why does he need a picture of her ?) I didn’t believe him but I looked past it. He told me it did look kinda weird/bad that he the picture though and deleted it. I said I felt uncomfortable that even has pictures of women in his phone that aren’t me or someone he’s related to (is this dramatic ?) He said he would delete any other pictures in his phone of women.
Well on another occasion once again I’m taking pictures on his phone like he literally asks me to do this. I go through his gallery again to check the pics I just took but this time I see a girl literally topless boobs entirely out. Like it was RIGHT next to the pictures I just took. I realized it was a screenshot from an instagram live so I show it to him and again I ask who’s this. I was confused because he literally told me he deleted his pages.
He looked so shocked and starts saying he doesn’t know and literally freaking out. He swears he deleted everything off his phone and didn’t know how that was still there. I was so mad and forced him to take me home and literally starts freaking out again and nearly crying this time and apologizing. I couldn’t help but think he was apologizing because he got caught not bc he’s getting off to other girls while in relationship. I looked at the date of the picture and it was so recent too I think it was the day before.
I then asked if he has a sex/porn addiction and he says he does and started to tell me how it started when he was young and it’s been a horrible habit ever since. I was so disgusted/angry still I couldn’t help but think he was just saying that because he wanted me to sympathize with him so I didn’t break up with him. He then told me he’d delete everything (sexual pictures of women on his phone) Which means he had LOADS still. He told me he wanted to change and I could check his phone anytime.
He goes on this long spill about how he loves me, is only attracted to me, doesn’t care about or want those women he had pictures/videos of. Get this he even says he doesn’t like girls like that irl because he believes they’re not clean (so basically i’m the kind of girl he settled for bc health reasons ???) The following list already had me hurt but knowing that he was literally saving their stuff to get off to just mad me even more sad. Once again the girl in the picture was shaped the complete opposite of how I’m shaped which further made me think how he’s really not even attracted to me which he basically said anyways. I had literally sent him nudes before and he still felt the need to go jerk off to other women.
I started to find myself wearing skimpy clothes whenever I would go out with him. I started to compare myself to girls he lusts after and thinking maybe I should do my hair like them or wear this type of stuff and take pictures on my socials like this because that’s obviously what he likes. Of course I can’t change my body (unless i get surgery) to look more like them. I just started to feel super unattractive because I could never be exactly what he fantasizes about. Even started sending more nudes to keep him satisfied thinking that’d be enough.
I just hate how I feel like he’s really just settling for me because those girls don’t know he exists or probably even want him but if they did we wouldn’t be together. He’d finally have his “dream girl”. I’ve expressed this stuff to him and he continues to tell me how much he loves me, how attracted he is to me, how i’m the prettiest girl he’s ever been, how he thinks about no one else but me and the porn was just ruining him but I can’t believe him still. I know this is crazy but one day I got the password and went on his private/finsta account on my phone and he had so many girls’ (his type) pictures saved, literally just thirst traps of ig models and soft core porn.
He even messaged an ig model I’m assuming the girl he really wants. This was before we became official but idk why it still bothers me. What if he is secretly still like this ? I don’t know I guess you can say I do struggle with major self esteem issues. I’ve tried to break up with him so many times and he would just send me flowers, wrote me a love note, wrote me an actual has cried in front me. He even got me a promise ring to show how he committed he is to me. He keeps assuring me he’s not that kind of guy anymore but I don’t know what he does or who he is when I’m not around. How he loves my body etc etc. Even when we’re being intimate I can’t help but think I’m not enough still and he’s imagining those girls. I’ve started to become super self conscious about my shape. Even though he reminds how attractive i am EVERY second why It doesn’t make sense bc the women you get off to aren’t shaped like me at all.
It’s like every time an argument starts it’s about the pictures/women I saw. Everything is going perfect until that memory of finding those pictures comes back.
TL; DR : I really love him outside of all this stuff I swear like he genuinely makes me happy but I can’t help but think my insecurities aren’t ever going to go away. I don’t know what to do, knowing he used to get off to random girls on the internet is one thing and knowing he’s obviously sexually attracted to a certain body type that I don’t have makes me so sad. I don’t know what to do anymore .
4 comments
Why do you want to be with someone who feeds your insecurities?
You might take him at his word when he tells you that the “dream girl” you think he wants actually is a compulsive habit that is ruining his life. It’s not about you or how attractive you are. He hates those fantasy women. If you looked like them, he would hate you too. It is very sad, but it doesn’t mean he’s being dishonest when he says he’s attracted to you.
You are under no obligation to stay with him (and I hope you don’t, it sounds like he’s destroying you) but his addiction is not about you. He’s a damaged guy, and it’s sad, but you can’t fix him and it’s not your fault.
It sounds like he’s just using you to “keep him honest” and in a good relationship.
I’m not so sure this is a case of him lusting for other women who are not you, it seems like he has an addiction to porn.
As someone who’s also super skinny (103 lbs 5’2″ with a small chest), I’d be having self-esteem issues with this guy too. All that “I don’t know how that got there” is pure BS. He knows exactly how those pictures got there! He just can’t own up to his addiction and probably needs counseling.
All of that romantic stuff he does to try and keep you could be to keep him from falling deeper into his addiction by having a good person (you) in his life.
Serious red flags though. If it were me, I’d leave. I know, easier said than done, but if he’s going to be like that now, the future isn’t looking so hot.
I dunno. I’m on the fence with this one. This whole IG models thing is fantasy. Im saying this really kindly – You could be comparing yourself a little too much to other women. I can still understand your concerns though.
If he didn’t find you attractive, he wouldn’t have pursued you in the first place. Also there’s more to people than just their looks – he obviously likes the whole of you. If he didn’t love you he’d have thrown the towel in. Don’t you think?
He’s trying to be honest, although he did try to lie his way out of the whole snapshot picture on his camera roll is concerned. That possibly could have been fear. He’s being pretty open with his phone. If he had anything really sinister to hide you wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near it would you?
All that being said, tell him to keep to the boundaries that are set and not to lie. He needs to address this IG model thing – I don’t think I would feel comfortable with that either, and im pretty chill, so your not alone there! But maybe you could work on your self esteem a little bit – I mean, I’d kill to be 5 9 and slim build – so would ALOT of women I know. And, like I said earlier, there’s more to you than just the way you look.