So I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and we’ve started doing long distance. We have phone sex every now and then.
He’s very good with dirty talking, but I, on the other hand I’m a little shy. He’s had sex with over 20 girls while I’ve only been with one person before.
I want to give him pleasure but I feel like him constantly asking me to tell him things just puts me under the spot and make only makes me more uncomfortable talking. I told him before this is something I’m working on, but that doesn’t stop him from asking me what I’d want him to do to him. I’m comfortable with us video calling and masterbating together. I’m comfortable stripping and moaning. But I’m not comfortable talking for 20 minutes about all the things I want him to do to me. It’s not how my brain works. Any advice?
6 comments
Set boundaries
It is only 8 months now. You can move on to a more compatible man, you have a choice! Why continue to do things that you don’t like?
Honesty is the best policy. I’m sure they will understand or accommodate
A couple questions:
1. Are you uncomfortable because you feel like you don’t know what to say? You said you feel put on the spot.
2. If you were confident in your dirty talking, would that alleviate the uncomfortableness?
3. Do you have problems with the concept of dirty talking?
Just trying to get clarity on why you’re uncomfortable. The two big ways I see this is you are opposed to dirty talking or you feel like you’re not good at it (maybe there are other explanations).
If you are opposed to it, talk to your BF and explain the WHY it’s making you uncomfortable and see how he responds.
If it’s lack of confidence, talk with boyfriend and ask him for examples of things he likes to hear or for him to send you “material”.
There are a lot of things in relationships where we’re uncomfortable but we still do it cause it’s either the right thing or we love our partner. Examples: having difficult conversations instead of ignoring issues, seeing their family/friends even though we don’t like them, cooking/doing new hobbies/activities we might suck at but our partners like them.
Heathy example (true story):
Dancing makes me feel uncomfortable. My wife LOVES dancing. I’m uncomfortable cuz I know I’m not nearly as good as my wife and think I’m making fool of myself. I still go dancing with my wife because I see how happy it makes her.
Unhealthy example (made up):
My partner tells me she wants me to wear a particular style of clothing. This clothing is really revealing and it makes me uncomfortable. They keep pushing and trying to manipulate me into doing it. She doesn’t respect me saying I don’t want to do it and is pretty callous about it.
Which scenario do you feel more closely aligns with you?
All of the above is advice for a normal and healthy relationship and not an abusive one. I dunno how to say this but there’s a right kind of feeling uncomfortable and doing something and a wrong kind. One is tied to growth/maturity and the other is abusive.
It can be hard to ‘perform’ when you are not inclined to something. Maybe fantasize about sex with him/sexy movie scene and just describe it to him while he takes care of business?
If it is something you want to improve and learn about how to do it while being more confortable, i would say that you would need to train yourself. Reading erotica books, some scripts that would help you imagine more easily the scenarios that you could come up with. If the moaning and stuff works more for you, you can balance between the two. And if preparing a script or some key sentences helps, start with that, and it could be that after some times you’ll feel and be more confident !