Basically the title.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for 3 years and we’ve had a really good relationship. He’s nice, kind and respectful and is everything I’m looking for when it comes to his personality and looks, or at least I thought.. We moved in together last year and we’ve had really good experiences so far in terms of progressing from one chapter of our lives to another (we both graduated this semester!)
Where the problem began/begins(?): For a while now, there’s been some things I’ve been hesitant to do in the bedroom because of some previous trauma I dealt with when I was younger. He’s asked why and I’ve always brushed it aside letting him know it was a different chapter in my life that I’m not comfortable talking about. It’s lead to some arguments in the past but we’ve worked around it.
To keep a long story short – I was blackmailed the summer going into freshman year of college by someone who stole my phone at a party and made it seem like I texted racist messages to him. He threatened to leak these conversations to the college admissions staff of where I got accepted and I went full blown panic mode being a stupid 18 year old. I did everything he wanted me to and begged him not to leak the conversation. I was a virgin and I dealt with nearly 3 months of hardcore and rough sex acts on me in an effort to not have him go public with those screenshots. I was scared and didn’t feel like I had any proof that I could show to the police so I kept my mouth shut and endured it. He eventually went to college out of state and I never had to interact with him since as he doesn’t even live in the country anymore, thankfully. I’ve tried sharing this experience in more detail on a few subreddits anonymously before but it seems to get removed due to the blackmail and coercion aspects so I have always kept it to myself.
Back to the main point. As I mentioned, one of the things me and my current boyfriend have argued about is my lack of willingness to try some things in the bedroom. I’ve explained to him that it’s because of something in the past that happened to me and that I don’t really talk about it because that’s a dark chapter of my life that I’d rather not share with anyone. He’s always pestered me about it to open up more since I’m his girlfriend and that he should trust me. He’s been asking for months and months so I finally told him I’d be willing to talk about it. I explained the full situation to him and what had happened to me and the way he reacted was less than ideal?
He basically said that 1) I’m an idiot for not going to the police 2) That because I’m a white girl from the South (USA) that I probably hold those views deep down and 3) That’s not an excuse for not wanting to do things with your long term boyfriend who you love and trust.
To be honest, I’m at a complete loss. I don’t even really know what to say. I asked if him if he was joking since he’s a sarcastic person but he sounded serious when he restated those things. It basically lead into another argument where he now thinks I’m a complete idiot for not even being able to step up for myself. I’ve been at my parents house just trying to collect my thoughts but I honestly do not think I can continue to date someone who feels this way about me. This is exactly the reason I never share that moment in my life, I always feared no one would take it seriously and it would be brushed off and that’s EXACTLY what happened. I just feel like a lost a huge pillar of trust and confidence in my long term partner and I don’t know if this can be fixed. I also think these are red flags? Like the one about him thinking I’m racist deep down just because I’m a girl from the South is something I didn’t even know he thought of me? Am I just being crazy and unreasonable or is this something you all would agree with? Is it worth salvaging a 3 year relationship? I honestly am in love with him but I’m trying to be rational about his reaction without my rose tinted glasses and I really don’t know where to begin with it all.
Any help/advice/comments would be appreciated.
TL;DR: Boyfriend of 3 years made fun of me when I opened up about my past trauma and doesn’t take me seriously/thinks lowly me of. It’s lead into an argument when I was expecting support and now I don’t know if I can date him anymore. Is it worth saving a relationship and working through it?
6 comments
I hate to say this , but leave him. Its a tragic event and he didn’t even acknowledge your feelings. Imagine if you guys get married and have children, if something happens to them, how would he react? Sounds like he has no compassion and has some growing up to do.
Oof what a winner.
It didn’t matter what your reasoning was. If you said no to something it should have never been a fight. Period. The answer was no and you are not obligated to explain. Then when you did explain your sexual assault to him he both victim blamed and minimized it and then further pressed you to do the thing you said no to? You need to end this relationship because he is not a good person and almost as bad as the other guy, only instead of blackmail he’s using the relationship as his coercive tool.
I am so glad you’re already thinking of leaving. This guy is a huge walking red flag. His response to your trauma was fucked up, it’s more than valid to end a relationship over.
First off I just want to say I’m so incredibly sorry that happened to you and it was never your fault. You have never been to blame.
Your partner should never, ever make you feel as shamed as this man has made you feel right now. A relationship should uplift both people and what he is doing is the exact opposite. This should have never been an issue in the first place.
When you said you werent interested in acts like that because it was associated with something hard from your past the conversation should have ended permanently. Your consent should be the sexiest thing involved in a sex act everytime, everyplace, and with every partner. I’m completely repulsed by the idea of engaging in a sex act my fiancee does not enthusiastically consent to. He has been pushing this boundary for far longer than I think you are giving credit to, by the sheer fact that he has focused so much on it, to the point that you felt you had to share it with him.
Please leave him, I know 3 years is a long time but your partner should never make you feel as hurt as this man has made you feel. What he is saying to you is that your trauma is less important to him than *having sex*. That is a horrible thing to say to your partner. I am so incredibly sorry.
Are you going to continue with this relationship? And are you receiving therapy to help you process what happened to you and how your boyfriend reacted to what you confided in him?
I’m leaving my stbx after 11 years because I found out he doesn’t believe a wife has a right to say no to sex. He’s never been abusive in that way though. You shared an incredibly upsetting experience with your boyfriend to explain why you do or do not do things. And he boo hoos your story stating it’s not enough to prevent you from having the type of sex that he wants?
I hope that you permanently do not provide the type of sex that your EX wanted. He does not deserve it or you.