Until last year I thought I would die alone and was okay with it (m 25). I met her (26 F) in December and we hit it off, I have no experience with dating but she was kind enough to help me out. Basically she puts a lot of effort into this relationship (me too). But now (after 4 months) she wants to get married in a year or 2. I love her ( I think) but I am nowhere successful or responsible enough I feel. She is almost perfect with a great job, good salary, amazing savings etc. Plus i have a genetic condition which makes physical activities a bit harder and this condition has a 50% chance to transfer to my child. She knows this and is accepting of it , but why do I feel she is settling for less? I feel one day she will realise what a mistake this was. I am okay with living alone for the rest of my life, because i never thought I would find someone in the first place.
Should I go ahead with the marriage? How do I know if she is the one, I like her but the future is so uncertain it makes me….
4 comments
I think maybe you’re overshooting here- beginning to talk about the possibility of getting married someday, or in a year or two, is totally normal. My wife and I would sit in the aisles of bookstores and flip through wedding magazines and marriage advice books well before we got engaged just to talk about what that would look like for us someday.
Don’t overthink it. If she’s just saying hey, this is something I want in the future, maybe in a year or two, consider that a beautiful gift and a compliment. She sees a future with you, don’t get so caught up in the little details that you push her away.
I knew I wanted to marry my wife after dating for 2 months. We got married 9 months after we started dating. Been married 27 years. We started with nothing and built our life together. Getting married isn’t about what material assets or even person success you bring. Instead it is about what together you can accomplish. Studies show Married couples earn more money, live longer, have more sex, and are overall happier. And first marriages have only a 35% divorce rate compared to second and third marriages that have almost 65% divorce rate. This is where the 50% divorce rate comes. It really is just a small % that drive up the divorce rate. And if you don’t live together before marriage, your % of not getting divorce skyrockets.
Good luck, but remember marriage is about making a decision that you are going to love, honor, and cherish another person above all others. This is a decision you make and choose to act on. It isn’t just a feeling. Best decision I made in life.
When to get married is something that *both* parties in a relationship have to agree on based on mutual comfort and desire. You are not obliged to marry her because she presents you with the opportunity, or conform to her timeline if it makes you uncomfortable. Four months in *is* a tad soon to be making lifelong decisions (for most people, particularly those with a less-than-crystal-clear idea of what they want in life). It sounds like you are dealing with some intense anxiety around feeling worthy of your partner’s devotion. I would take some time to address this, rather than worrying whether you are successful enough to get married Marriage isn’t about what material things you have to give another person in the abstract so much as about feeling emotionally ready to commit to a life partnership with a particular person. In two years you could very well be feeling more secure and ready to take that step. It’s better for everyone if these decisions are organic, not forced. It sounds like your partner is a very understanding person, so I wouldn’t assume that just because she’s tossed out this general time frame it means she won’t hear your concerns and respond to them fairly. Talk to her honestly about your fears. If she loves you and wants to be with you, your comfort will matter to her.
This girl sees you for who you are, genetics and all. You are obviously underestimating some really good qualities in yourself! Look at it this way, if you future wife had a disease or accident that left her with permanent injuries, would you leave her? Of course not! I’d look upon this relationship as a blessing and just press forward with the goal of being the best husband and father you can be. There are lots of children waiting to be adopted, so if you decide not to have your own children, that shouldn’t stop you from being great parents. I would talk about that ahead of marriage though, just so you are on the same page.