For context, I was seeing this girl for a few weeks in September until we both parted ways, no hard feelings but neither of us felt like advancing things. She was kind and considerate but also kind of all over the place and hard to hold a conversation with, given her ADHD.
Fast forward to late April when I get a text at the end of April from her after 0 contact in all that time in between. It was saying how she had been doing some reflecting, was in a better place now and open to us reconnecting.
I wasn’t seeing anyone and thought why the hell not? We’ve met up a few times and true to her word, she seemed more grounded than she had been before.
On Friday, we’re hanging out at my place, when she gets a phone call and comes back very giddy. I ask what’s up and with an apprehensive look, tells me it’s a long story.
I have nothing but time so she starts explaining that two years ago she did a sham marriage where she’d get $50,000 in cash in exchange for the “groom” getting citizenship.
After picking my jaw up off the floor, she tells me the first $25,000 was paid after the wedding and the second $25,000 was coming in a week. And yes there was a whole ass wedding to commit to the bit, she showed me the pictures and even her parents were in on it.
I could tell she felt very vulnerable opening that up to me, so I didn’t feel right in respond in with my immediate visceral reaction.
Although this is basically a victimless crime, I can’t help feeling that someone who does this has a totally different set of values than I do.
How do I best approach this situation with her without coming across like an asshole?
6 comments
You should report it to USCIS, but honestly I have a hard time believing this to be true. To go through this process is time consuming. It requires submitting documents that establish the relationship, interviews, medical examinations, background checks, etc.
> I have nothing but time so she starts explaining that two years ago she did a sham marriage where she’d get $50,000 in cash in exchange for the “groom” getting citizenship.
Well, if it’s true…so she was willing to commit fraud, and be financially responsible for her “husband” even once they divorce?
In your shoes, I’d take 20 steps back from this woman. No need to get involved into this drama.
You need to let her go. Her values don’t match yours and it’s still a crime.
Keep out of that mess.
Coming from NY I know a lot of people in the green card game. I have a Brazilian friend that did the sham marriage. It’s not as cut and dry as people think. You need to go on vacation with your “spouse,” spend holidays together, immigration will interview your friends, family, etc. You can’t just get married and case closed. It’s a very intense process and lasts yearsssss. Then there is the divorce that also last for a while, even if it’s totally benign. A friend of hers offered to pay me mad money to do the same, but my mom went through 2 divorces and I saw what a bad marriage can do to your life. For all I knew the guy could renig on the deal, or pay cash but wreck my credit, fall in love and drag the divorce out, etc. It wasn’t worth the money.
Then I have an Irish friend that went the legal route. It was SO MUCH harder than the sham marriage, which as I said, was very difficult. Our immigration system is broken.
If I were you I would walk away. Even if it’s all true and the husband is cool with it, your entire life will be delayed and your relationship will need to be a secret. If you post one Instagram or go on a trip together etc, someone could see it and report the whole sham to immigration.
She sold her dating life down the drain for money. It’s a sorry situation but actions have consequences.
This isn’t a victimless crime. The country and its citizens are the victim of the illegal activity. There are reasons why laws are in place to stop where random person from becoming a citizen and she helped break those laws. You should break this off now, who knows what other things she will do that will land her in jail and ruin both your lives one day.
How do you approach it without being an asshole was your question. She doesn’t need to hear your judgements about what she did. Just stop contacting her, and when she asks you to hang out say you are not interested in pursuing a relationship with her, therefor you decline to go out again. Then say, have a nice day/night/bye. Then don’t return any more messages/calls.
If she asks why, just say, something doesn’t feel right, something is off/missing /no spark you are just not interested in her. You won’t be lying, she put the spark out with her news.
It’s time to go.