I started working with this woman about 5 years ago. We worked remotely so we never really saw each other except maybe once or twice a year on business trips, but we always had such a strong connection, tension, and chemistry. We’d hooked up on these trips on and off for years.
It wasn’t just sex either – we had feelings for each other. But, because we lived far away from each other and only saw each other a few times a year, I didn’t really see it as anything that could truly be serious or long term. So I continued to date around these past 5 years, sometimes seriously and other times casually with other people.
That being said, she became my person. Professionally my right hand, and also one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I love her to death. She’s such a great girl with so many amazing qualities and has been there for me through thick and thin. I’ve thought about her every day since I met her.
I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have a great track record when it comes to relationships. Commitment isn’t something that comes naturally to me. I know this about myself and I don’t know I ever really see myself settling down with one person for good. So this situation with my coworker was perfect for me. Only seeing her a few times a year, having an amazing time together, and then getting to keep her as a friend while I pursued other options. That seemed to work for her too.
About 6 months ago we were on a business trip. Super romantic location and we had some of the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. I made a comment in the heat of the moment about how I wish she could come visit me or lived closer so we could see if this could turn into something serious. I meant it in the moment. I really did.
She then confessed she’s been in love with me this whole time but was too afraid to ask for more because she didn’t think I’d be comfortable with that. Unfortunately…she was right. It freaked me out.
We’d made plans for her to fly up to my city to spend time together but before she could make the arrangements, I told her we should stop sleeping together. I realized she is way too important for me to lose from my life and I’d rather keep her as my best friend than risk losing her if I try to be in a relationship with her. I know I’d fuck that up. I know I’d hurt her. I know I’m not emotionally available. She deserves better than that.
She was upset, obviously, but she told me she understood and appreciated my honesty. I told her how much she means to me and how I want her in my life until the day I die. I wanted to be friends but she told me she needed space from me so she could move on. She asked me not to reach out to her anymore. I respected that, reiterated how much I care about her and told her I’d be here whenever she’s ready to be friends. She wished me well and then we stopped speaking.
That was 6 months ago. She hasn’t reached out.
I caved 2 months in because she turned down a work project with me that she normally would always take on. I told her I’d love to have her on it and I still really want to be friends, but she responded and told me she still needs time.
Now I just found out that she put her notice in and she’s going to a new company. I’m devastated. I keep hearing our other coworkers talk about her calling them to say goodbye and she hasn’t called me yet. I don’t know if she will. I’m terrified that she’s going to leave the company and then just never talk to me again. I really meant what I said, I really want her to keep her in my life but it seems like maybe I hurt her too much and now she doesn’t want anything to do with me.
I feel like I fucked up one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I love her and I still have feelings for her but I know it wouldn’t be right to be with her. Is there any way I can still try to maintain a friendship here or is it best to just let her go?
**TLDR:** Broke things off with a friend/coworker that I’d been long term hooking up with 6 months ago, want to stay friends with her but she doesn’t seem interested. Is there any way I can make this right?
10 comments
you are foolish to think ex’s can remain friends how are you almost 40 and haven’t come to this realization? just move on leave her in the past.
You can WANT a relationship with someone til the cows come home.
If that person doesn’t want a relationship with YOU, you’re SOL.
You’re asking if you can “still maintain a friendship with her” but buddy, she’s been gone for 6 months. there IS no friendship. you aren’t working together, you aren’t speaking, there’s NOTHING to “maintain”.
Its likely she WON’T ever “come back” to try to rekindle the relationship. Unfortunately, this is what happens some times.
I would encourage you to consider your “commitment-phobic” lifestyle. I know that there are loads of people who don’t “settle down” with one person, and are totally happy. But if you are INTO a person and CAN’T commit to them even though you WANT to– that strikes me as “i have a bad habit i dont know how to kick” and not just “this is who i am”. Just a thought.
You just have to respect that she needs indefinite space. It doesn’t really matter how long it’s been – there’s no set expiration date on her feelings. You two want different things. It’s not going to be possible to be friends again until/unless you want the same thing – to interact like friends again – and are capable of doing that.
You may never hear from her again. She may be over you in the future, but she may also be in a relationship that precludes her from talking to her long-distance, former FWB.
The best you can probably do is be strictly professional LinkedIn connections, honestly.
Do nothing. If she hasn’t reached out, then she doesn’t want to be in your life. While you see her as being positive to your life, she has probably done a lot of introspection and has come to the conclusion that you are not a positive addition to hers, and for good reason. Even still, the way you talk about this is very selfish. It’s all about you, your feelings, what she adds to *your* life. You speak like she’s a personal resource you’ve lost access to.
I’ve been in her position. While her presence in your life probably enriches you, you probably have added nothing but pain and complication to her life. Learn from this and leave her be if you care about her wellbeing at all.
Leave her be my friend. What you want is cool, but she wants nothing to do with you so what you want is secondary…she doesn’t want to be your friend
Respect it
You feel like you fucked it up because you did, brother.
You- I wish we lived closer so we could give a serious relationship a try.
Her- I actually have feelings for you and I’d love that.
You- Actually nvm also I think we should should stop hooking up let’s just be friends.
You get what that looks like, right? It makes it seem like everything meaningful you said to her was lip service. How can she trust you now?
You get she’s probably leaving the company because of YOU, right?
The only way to make this right is to leave her alone.
You don’t want to put the effort in to have an actual relationship, but you want attention and sex, and devotion from one person. Cool, I wanna get paid and not go to work. I don’t think either of us is getting what we want.
There’s no gentle way to say this but if you actually loved her you’d be with her or you’d respect her choice to not speak with you again. She doesn’t exist to “stay in your life” she’s her own person
Why is your desire to be friends with her more important than her right to be left alone?
Leave her alone, she needs space, dont be selfish